The Most Horrifying Commercial Ever

So I was watching television today, and Magnum was performing to his usual high standards, by which I mean he did his detective work while riding around in a little red Ferrari and/or wearing little white shorts. Mmm, yes. Alas, I do not have Tivo or whatever it’s called, and therefore my appreciation of said shorts is all-too-frequently interrupted by commercials.

Now, as consumers of American television, we all know what the topic of a commercial featuring women with dreadfully earnest expressions who are speaking in low, heartfelt tones is likely to be. If you don’t want to know the exact subject of this particular one, don’t look below the jump.

I knew I was going to hear about something that would be appropriately categorized in “Personal Experiences,” and that would most likely feature a blue liquid being used to symbolize any relevant bodily secretions.

But I wasn’t expecting this.

“Do you suffer from unpleasant feminine odor?” an announcer inquired. “Perhaps your vaginal pH is unbalanced. You should try RepHresh” (pronounced “refresh”).

I raised an eyebrow.

“Use RepHresh after activities that may affect your vaginal pH,” the announcer continued, “such as after your period–”

At this point, a soft female voice interjected, “RepHresh.”

“After intercourse,” the announcer went on, then paused briefly.

“RepHresh,” whispered another woman, seductively.

“And after douching,” the announcer concluded, as a third woman murmured throatily, “RepHresh.”

I stared at the television screen, my mouth fallen open in horror and incredulity. I had no idea there were still women who douche. Don’t you know that’s just asking for a yeast infection? You might as well use WD-40 for lubrication and be done with it.

Anyway, ladies, be sure to keep your vaginal pH around 4.5. That’s the healthy level according to the RepHresh clinical studies.

(For comparison, that’s about the same pH as acid rain.)