A Great Idea For Valentine’s Day February 13, 2007
Posted by Michael in Ducks, Economics.trackback
How about a trip to the zoo for a romantic dinner and tutorials on wild animal sex?
TAMPA, Fla. – Genevieve Chandler has been visiting the Lowry Park Zoo since she was a kid, but the tour she got the other night was definitely not the G-rated fare of her childhood. Among the things Chandler, 30, and her date learned on their “Wild at Heart” zoo tour: Male pigs have a unique corkscrew endowment and impressive, um, output; manatees have orgies and don’t really care if their partners are male or female; and a male porcupine has only one four-hour window a year to mate — very carefully, of course.
I bet hearing about corkscrew pig schlongs would really get Mrs. Michael in the mood for love.
Valentine’s day is the time of year when zoos around the nation seek to woo a new adult audience with risque tours that couple champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries and candlelight dining with impressive facts about how animals do the wild thing.
Erm, maybe I should not be so skeptical, but I have got to wonder whether this is going to be a really great dining experience. The food would have to be pretty good to get you to ignore the aroma of zebra poop wafting through the premises.
Credit for the concept goes to Jane Tollini, a former penguin keeper at the San Francisco Zoo. Tollini conceived the idea two decades ago while watching her penguins’ courtship ritual, which culminates in what she describes as “bowling pins making love.”
“The keepers get there early and we see things that other people don’t see,” Tollini said. “And I went, ‘My God, that’s fascinating.’ You know the old Peter Sellers line, ‘I like to watch?’ You kind of go, ‘Oh my, my, my. How big? How many? How far?’ It was unbelievable.”
She set the ritual to Johnny Mathis — the makeout tunes of her generation — pitched it to her bosses and a new zoo tradition was born. The idea soon spread to other zoos.
I could have guessed that this got started in San Francisco.
San Francisco calls it “Woo at the Zoo.” New York City’s Central Park Zoo calls it “Jungle Love.” Zoo marketing folks in Boise, Idaho, named the tour “Wild Love at the Zoo.”
I could have guessed that those filthy stinkin’ spudders would go for this concept.
Despite the blunt talk on the tour, many in the Saturday crowd in Tampa were coy about their reasons for attending.
“I really like the zoo and I thought it was a nice thing to do with my boyfriend for Valentine’s Day,” Chandler said.
Her most memorable statistic: “whales have like 10-foot-long whatevers.”
I actually once saw a bull elephant with an erection. This happened at the zoo in Hamburg, Germany when I was still a teenager. The experience scarred me for life. I really do not need to know that whales have a ten foot long “whatever.”
I once went to Africa for a couple of months to visit a friend in the Peace Corps and the animal lovin’ postcards were all over the place. I sent a few to my only nephew at the time (he must have been about 4). I knew it would bother my sister-in-law so it naturally filled me with glee. When I got home my brother told me the nephew had them put up on his wall because he loved the pictures of the animals “wrestling” so much. His wife had to wait quite awhile for him to lose interest so she could take them down. Good times.
Oh. And yes Michael. The elephant, not the lion, really is the king of the jungle.
This is just wrong. I know males compare *things*, but watching to get hints? Whatever.
Porcupine mating.
In case you were curious.
Admit it. You were, weren’t you?
And you’re sorry you clicked that link, aren’t you?
Never go to a zoo in the spring.
Trust me on this.
Ditto on the elephant info. It’s HUGE.
manatees have orgies and don’t really care if their partners are male or female
I’m new here so I want to be respectful and not just barge in and start crap but….
I didn’t know wiserbud was a manatee.
Need A Sexy Plan For Valentine’s Day? Take Your Lady To The Zoo To Learn About Boar’s Penises
Hot. Honestly, zoos are offering Cinemax After Dark type shows for couples, wherein you get to find out which animals are better hung than you, so you know which ones to stalk and kill. In related news, I feel vindicated….
A better idea would be to tell anyone who suggested this to find a corner and euphemism themselves.
Boise, Idaho, named the tour “Wild Love at the Zoo.”
Yeah, they totally rejected *my* suggestion, “Screaming Spudder Sex ~ Vultures on ViA6ra”.
Mrs. G and I have witnessed Horsey Humpin’ since we moved here.
In other news, I assisted the Vet with my Gelding’s, uh, Castration.
Never mind the animal sex. Ace was married???
Yeah, it was all “Here ya go little fella, have some hay…come on in the barn…that’s a good fella…don’t mind that guy with the giant rubber-band…”
Then snap-bang-boom-plopplop.
DaveinTexas got no idea. You best watch your OWN, Geezer. I still gots teefers.
Ditto on the elephant info. It’s HUGE.
Male elephants are also somewhat unique in that the penis, when not aroused, is entirely retracted inside their abdomen. You won’t see anything on a normal trip to the zoo. So it is all the more impressive when Dumbo gets frisky and that “whatever” emerges.
To satisfy the prurient interest common to most, if not all, IB visitors:
An elephant’s junk
Also, a song on the subject that I’ve always liked. [The song. I liked the song.]
Never mind the animal sex. Ace was married???
Of course he was married. Something fucked up his life and turned him into a reclusive blogger. It had to be a woman or a chemical dependency, and Ace just does not seem like a junkie to me.
buncha biological ecotarrists
From Mrs. Peel’s link on porcupine love:
“Perhaps the strangest aspect of the interaction is male urine-hosing of the female. The male approaches on his hind legs and tail, grunting in a low tone. His penis springs erect. He then becomes a urine cannon, squirting high-pressure jets of urine at the female. Everything suggests the urine is fired by ejaculation, not released by normal bladder pressure…. In less than a minute, a female may be thoroughly wetted from nose to tail.”
I didn’t know Wicked Pinto was a porcupine.
I’m still pondering the fact that apparently, some biologists were sitting around saying something like:
“Hey Herb, you know how male porcupines pee all over the females like a urine cannon before doing the deed?”
“Yeah, what about it, Lester?”
“Do you suppose they get that kind of velocity and hose pressure from regular ureter muscles?”
“I don’t know. What else would it be?”
“Maybe it’s the ejaculation muscles.”
“Ejaculating urine?”
“Sure, why not?”
“Let’s find out. Where are those federal grant request forms?”
Sobek:
I’m trying to go to bed. So just knock off that funny shit, OK?
C’mon, Michael. You know that information was only gleaned via federal tax money. Which, I can only imagine, was exactly what James Madison had in mind when he wrote the “tax and spend for the general welfare” clause in the Constitution.
George Washington: “I say, Jimmy old boy, shouldn’t this governing document provide for federal dollars to research porcupine coitus?”
James Madison: “Of course. What do you think I am, some sort of fool?”
GW: “Well, it’s just that I don’t see anything in here about porcupines at all.”
JM: “I think it’s strongly implied in this tax and spend clause.
GW: “Couldn’t you make it a little more clear?”
JM: “Well, if you’ll look at all those discarded drafts I have strewn about, you’ll see I’ve been trying to specifically state that Congress shall have the Power to Tax and Spend for the General Welfare, including but not Limited to scientific Research into the musculature of the Male Porcupine Urine Cannonde,” but I just can’t seem to find the right words.
Madison’s frequent references to federally-funded porcupine sex research in the Federalist and his personal memoirs and correspondence are what eventually persuaded Scalia and Thomas to swing their votes and uphold the constitutionality of the Porcupine Pooter Research Act of 1993, in the landmark Sullivan v. Union of Scientists You Wouldn’t Trust to Babysit Your Children, 907 Cranch 276, 564 U.S. 1282 (1997).
My ex is a veterinarian. I learned a lot from him. Just to add a nugget to this exciting thread and its ejaculatory expostulations about size and propulsion….. The corkscrew piggy unit is that way because the pig is so rotund that if he didn’t screw in, he’d roll off. Now, if he rolls off after he’s screwed in, he spins. Also, the elephant does not move during coitus. His penis has muscles that move the penis during coitus. Elephants aren’t exactly frisky, agile creatures, so that’s probably a good thing. It’d be bad if the male had to do the serious humping considering the size and died with his ‘junk’ stuck in the female. oops. It probably wouldn’t be a good thing for the female elephant’s back either. The spinning porker image … ha.
Also, the elephant does not move during coitus.
Wow. Small world.
He then becomes a urine cannon, squirting high-pressure jets of urine at the female.
Dad?
died with his ‘junk’ stuck in the female
Could you explain to me again why this is considered a bad thing? Cause I’m thinkin if your number’s up, there are worse ways to die.
Me personally, I got a plan. I’m gonna get shot when I’m 87 years old, at four o’clock in the morning, on the golf course.
By a 37 year old jealous husband.
Wow. Small world.
You ain’t lyin’.
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i learnt a valuable lesson today. thank you internet
“Could you explain to me again why this is considered a bad thing? Cause I’m thinkin if your number’s up, there are worse ways to die.”
Probably. But think if you’re a pig. And rigor mortis set in before the feed guys came along. Unscrewing that stiff spiral unit would take a backhoe and poor Miss Piggy. eeu ow damn…
The zoo tours are all very well, but I’m just worried they’ll start a dating agency. Oh wait, isn’t there one outside of Seattle?
“Petting zoo”? Sorry, it had to be said.
Oh wait, isn’t there one outside of Seattle?
You are the raincoaster. We’ll take your word for it.