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Lines Never Spoken May 21, 2007

Posted by skinbad in Commenting Tips, Sports.
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Rick Reilly writes the last page column in Sports Illustrated. He’s a good and often humorous writer. A recent column consisted of lines he says have never been used in the history of the world.  Such as:

Shaq, you shoot the technical.

Please, Carl Lewis, will you favor us with another song?

So you’ll be going straight from work to the Raiders game?

No way the Yankees can afford him.

I wondered about lines never uttered at Innocent Bystanders.

  • That treatment sounds kind of metrosexual to me. I’m worried about what the guys might say.
  • Boy, that dude is one big-time Vegas performer. Don’t know a thing about him.
  • I don’t think I’m going to renew that magazine. Beautiful Plants and Creative Profanity just isn’t me.
  • I really want to make the smart vehicle purchase.
  • I can’t thank my parents enough for the opportunity to play the clarinet. The cheerleaders all wanted a piece of my licorice stick. IYKWIMAITYD!
  • This legal opinion is far too obtuse to write at great length about.

You know you can do better. So do.

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Comments»

1. skinbad - May 21, 2007

Honey, I’m just camping overnight. One roll of toilet paper should be plenty.

2. skinbad - May 21, 2007

That’s a nice hat. Does it come in a smaller size?

For full coverage of this topic, check out my updates at kevlarchick.wordpress.com

3. mesablue - May 21, 2007

Let Wickedpinto drive.

4. mesablue - May 21, 2007

Where’s the poolboy?

Hey, where’s my wife?

I think I screwed that up.

5. Sobek - May 21, 2007

“This legal opinion is far too obtuse to write at great length about.”

HAH!

6. Sobek - May 21, 2007

Michael, that song was awesome!

7. Sobek - May 21, 2007

Interesting commentary over at Geoff’s place, but he could use a little more statistical analysis.

8. skinbad - May 21, 2007

Pistons, Bulls. Eh. Who gives a rip.

9. skinbad - May 21, 2007

#6 Yes! Can’t believe I missed that fat pitch.

10. TXMarko - May 21, 2007

Whew! That’s all the beer and pizza I can hold.

No thanks boys, I think I’ll just go home and cuddle with the wife.

11. skinbad - May 21, 2007

Please, Nice Deb. No more pictures.

12. Dave in Texas - May 21, 2007

So Dave, what’s new with the pool?

13. Dave in Texas - May 21, 2007

You know, I think I speak for everyone here when I say I think it’s great that Dave is so popular with the IB ladies.

14. Dave in Texas - May 21, 2007

Hanging out in Las Vegas with Lipstick and Kevlarchick? I don’t know – not really my cup of tea, you know?

15. Sobek - May 21, 2007

Go ahead and pull the trigger, Lipstick, if you’ve got the guts!

16. Dave in Texas - May 21, 2007

Laura, how about some more cat pictures?

17. Sobek - May 21, 2007

Has anyone else noticed Ace’s site is running really smoothly recently?

18. geoff - May 21, 2007

Is Lutheranism a good religion?

19. geoff - May 21, 2007

I never hear enough about tubers.

20. Sobek - May 21, 2007

You know, you call yourself Feisty, but I’m just not seein’ it.

21. Sobek - May 21, 2007

I sure wish Sobek would update his blog.

22. Pupster - May 21, 2007

“Good point Pupster, I’d never thought of it that way.”

23. Michael - May 21, 2007

“I miss Alessandra.”

24. Michael - May 21, 2007

“Michael, please explain that net neutrality issue again.”

“Michael, what’s your position on immigration?”

25. Pupster - May 21, 2007

“Wow, that was moving. Have you written any other poems?”

26. Russ from Winterset - May 21, 2007

“Hey WP, didn’t you serve in the Marine Corps?”

27. Russ from Winterset - May 21, 2007

“Sure Compos. No problem. It’s the third door on the left down the hallway. The febreze is in the lower right hand drawer of the sink, if you need it.”

28. Bosk - May 21, 2007

Man I can’t get enough of this cold weather!
I wish summer never came!

29. Bosk - May 21, 2007

Hey Honey! Did you want me to pick up some tampons while I’m out?

30. Pupster - May 21, 2007

“Why yes, Elder, I WOULD like to hear more!”

31. kevlarchick - May 21, 2007

Pupster, darling, please take me car shopping.

32. The Comish (sic) - May 21, 2007

I better not make that joke. It’s a bit too inside-ey.

Wait. They have music videos on YouTube now?

Sorry, but I don’t have time to read a post comparing 1970s rock bands to D&D monsters. I’m too busy training for my triathlon.

I don’t understand humor.

33. The Comish (sic) - May 21, 2007

I’d be a lot more likely to make out with you if you lost the Princess Leia outfit.

What’s so funny about a fart?

You know it’s good because it’s French.

I used to think like that … until Jimmy Carter set me straight.

34. Lipstick - May 21, 2007

Michael, that Batman costume looks great.

35. Sobek - May 21, 2007

Curse you, Louis Reard!

36. Sobek - May 21, 2007

Okay, now we’re just being silly.

37. Michael - May 21, 2007

Muslihoon, maybe you should look into religion.

38. Sobek - May 21, 2007

Can you believe how reasonable the Palestinians are being?

39. daveintexas - May 21, 2007

you people kill me.

Hey, so what was that whole “Pony” thing about anyway?

40. daveintexas - May 21, 2007

I can’t wait for Ace to give IB another open post weekend!

41. daveintexas - May 21, 2007

Anybody got a cute baby picture?

42. steve_in_hb - May 21, 2007

Rick Reilly sure was a standup guy to call Greg Raymer fat (“though a good 3 percent of that is muscle …”, and then chicken out when challenged to a racquetball game.

Rick Reilly is a modest guy and hesitant to write about stuff he doesn’t understand.

Rick Reilly’s jokes have a ripped from the headlines flavor – FDR, Stevie Wonder, and Nathan Detroit references are bleeding edge humor.

43. Russ from Winterset - May 21, 2007

You know, I can’t keep up with all the new posts on Jack’s site.

44. Pupster - May 21, 2007

RE: 31

KC, you could have stopped after “darling”.

45. daveintexas - May 21, 2007

darling is a killing word

46. lauraw - May 21, 2007

Sure you can borrow these cute shoes, Lipstick.

47. lauraw - May 21, 2007

That Dave sure has quite the foul attitude. It’s no wonder nobody ever asks him to guest-blog anywhere.

48. daveintexas - May 21, 2007

I’ve just grown weary of all this sexual innuendo at IB.

It’s probably me.

49. lauraw - May 21, 2007

So Sparkle, who do you like in the next election?

50. geoff - May 21, 2007

Do I need an address to ship this Xmas package?

51. Pupster - May 21, 2007

“You have a GARDEN?”

52. Mrs. Peel - May 21, 2007

You know who’s not side-splittingly hilarious? Iowahawk.

53. pony - May 21, 2007

that brewfan couch big tease

54. pony - May 21, 2007

pony joke! couch give it up like okinawan whore for WP!

55. daveintexas - May 21, 2007

I’m thinking about converting to the Lutherans.

Are they around Texas?

56. Sobek - May 21, 2007

Actually, that really clarifies things. Thank WP.

57. pony - May 21, 2007

brewfan couch give pony crotch-biter bug.

pony no joke

pony roll in mud all day and cry

58. Sobek - May 21, 2007

If McCain keeps this up, I’m going to change my mind about him.

59. daveintexas - May 21, 2007

You know, I think this whole “gun” thing is a bit too much.

60. steve_in_hb - May 21, 2007

It’s not just that Bush is a skilled communicator, you can tell he really thinks its important to forcefully advocate the what, why, and hows of his policies.

61. Sobek - May 21, 2007

Laugh all you want, but I still say Helen Thomas is probably a real tiger in the sack.

62. Sobek - May 21, 2007

I just sent in my donation check to Hillary, and man do I feel good about it.

63. Sobek - May 21, 2007

That’s far too much Hasselhoff for my taste.

64. Sobek - May 21, 2007

It’s kind of technical, Mrs. Peel, you probably wouldn’t understand.

65. mesablue - May 21, 2007

Hillary is sooooo hot!

66. BrewFan - May 21, 2007

Don’t eat me, Michael.

67. BrewFan - May 21, 2007

BrewFan, can we see more fishing pictures?

68. steve_in_hb - May 21, 2007

You know, this scene couldn’t be more wrong. Folks in Washington really do want an energized involved citizenry.

69. The Man - May 21, 2007

DRINK MILK

70. The Comish (sic) - May 21, 2007

I won’t do it if it costs me my dignity.

71. The Comish (sic) - May 21, 2007

[while doing pushups]: “98, 99, 100, 101, …”

72. steve_in_hb - May 21, 2007

I just can’t find a condom big enough.

73. kevlarchick - May 21, 2007

Brew, please be my tech butler.

74. daveintexas - May 21, 2007

Does this look infected to you?

oh wait. I’ve missed the point somehow.

75. mesablue - May 21, 2007

No, it’s not infected.

76. Lipstick - May 21, 2007

I just can’t wait to have kids!

77. harrison - May 21, 2007

I have no opinion on that.

78. daveintexas - May 21, 2007

I wonder what the poor people are doing tonight?

I think I fucked this up again.

79. Pupster - May 21, 2007

“Nice job staying on topic folks.”

80. Pupster - May 21, 2007

“Stop me if I’ve told this amusing anecdote previously”

81. daveintexas - May 21, 2007

Is this thing on?

82. geoff - May 21, 2007

“Did Jefferson really say that?”

83. Michael - May 21, 2007

“Your dog is ugly.”

84. steve_in_hb - May 21, 2007

“I have no opinion on that.”

You guys might as well stop – all will pale besides Harrisons rapier stroke.

85. harrison - May 21, 2007

That’s a very sensible point you make there, Steve.

86. Sobek - May 21, 2007

Steve, I think Skinny screwed up his own contest from the outset with this one:

“I don’t think I’m going to renew that magazine. Beautiful Plants and Creative Profanity just isn’t me.” Also, as noted, I liked the line about legal opinions being too obtuse to merit comment. But I’ll give Harrison his props.

87. Retired Geezer - May 21, 2007

I don’t think I’ve posted any links to my moronblog lately.

88. skinbad - May 21, 2007

I can’t give you what you want.

89. skinbad - May 21, 2007

Can’t chat right now. CSI Miami is starting.

I like to think of myself as a bitch whisperer.

90. Retired Geezer - May 22, 2007

Mrs. Peel said she loved the contemporary music at the last church service.

It was almost as good as the music at the Renassiance Faire.

91. lauraw - May 22, 2007

“You’re gonna scream and cream yourself when you see this startling new tree peony from one of Japan’s top breeders. Around a central boss of golden staminoides arises a puff of petals ranging from nipple pink to p**** pink. It seems to glow with an inner light, like a fucking phosphorescent meat-tunneling alien inside the chest of a victim. If you love tree peonies and you don’t like this one, go get your fucking head examined.”
-Beautiful Plants And Creative Profanity

92. Dave in Texas - May 22, 2007

West coast redwoods are the most phallic trees in North America. Rising powerfully out of the ground, erect and straight, when fully grown they achieve a length of nearly 300 feet. When you first touch one, lightly, at the base, you’ll tremble with excitement. If that doesn’t fucking get you off then nothing will.
-Beautiful Plants and Creative Profanity

93. PattyAnn - May 22, 2007

Man I can’t get enough of this hot weather!
I wish winter never came!

I understand why Mesa’s blog has more comments than KevlarChick’s.

(This one is with love for you, Mrs. Michael) Does that come in plaid?

94. eddiebear - May 22, 2007

We don’t have enough homemade videos out there

95. eddiebear - May 22, 2007

Does anybody know who won the World Series last year?

96. eddiebear - May 22, 2007

I really miss videos from Rammstein

97. lauraw - May 22, 2007

Steve_in_HB is a hopeless romantic…he’s talking about getting remarried!

98. eddiebear - May 22, 2007

I just love it when my crazy friends send me their emails wanting to discuss politics.

99. eddiebear - May 22, 2007

I think urinating on myself for the Brewers is a great idea

100. lauraw - May 22, 2007

Dave is graceful as a cat in his sandals.

101. eddiebear - May 22, 2007

I just love a Pistons-Cavs Series. It looks so exciting

102. Dave in Texas - May 22, 2007

Anybody got a recipe for rice?

103. lauraw - May 22, 2007

We’re all getting antsy for the next gardening post. Hurry!

104. lauraw - May 22, 2007

Anybody here know what Geezer used to do before he retired?

105. Wickedpinto - May 22, 2007

Let Wickedpinto drive.
oddly enough, I was the common DD when I was in Oki, of course, I was one of two people with a liscense, but thats ‘sides the point.

how about,

You know? she’s getting old, Laura should put the cat down.

106. Wickedpinto - May 22, 2007

Why does good lady geezer keep doing all that damage to her husband?

Is spudder having sex with a FEMALE cat?

107. Wickedpinto - May 22, 2007

“sobek is interesting.”

“geoff is cool”

“dr4 is reasonable.”

108. Dave in Texas - May 22, 2007

Cats are teh suxxor.

109. Wickedpinto - May 22, 2007

“Dave is SOOOOOOooooooo Manly”

110. skinbad - May 22, 2007

“You’re gonna scream and cream yourself . . . . “

I think I just did. Funnay.

111. Wickedpinto - May 22, 2007

I’ll just copy off of wicked.

112. doc - May 22, 2007

That DiT is too reticent, never opens up and shares the personal stuff.

113. Wickedpinto - May 22, 2007

You know what we need? More bubbles.

114. Wickedpinto - May 22, 2007

and links to absolute moral authority cuz Mesa hasn’t given us enough.

115. Dave in Texas - May 22, 2007

Can anyone here explain Federalism?

116. Sobek - May 22, 2007

Did you guys hear what Ellen Degeneres said yesterday?!?

117. Dave in Texas - May 22, 2007

I wonder what Michael thinks about this?

118. Sobek - May 22, 2007

Things will really improve around here once Ardolino gets posting privileges.

119. eddiebear - May 22, 2007

We need more kitchen and hot tub repair stories.

120. compos mentis - May 22, 2007

wickedpinto, you should seriously consider posting strings of consecutive comments in order to make yourself better understood and your thoughts more cohesive.

121. eddiebear - May 22, 2007

“Hey Oliver, you need to add some meat to your bones! You’re wasting away!”

122. compos mentis - May 22, 2007

lauraw, would it be inappropriate to ask you to ring the church bells this morning to gather the congregation for mass?

123. compos mentis - May 22, 2007

Michael, isn’t it nice to know that Innocent Bystanders has become the bastion of intelligent convesation for which you’d always hoped?

124. compos mentis - May 22, 2007

Bass players have long been known for their raw, sexual attractiveness and draw flocks of adoring, hormonally charged fans to them while lead singers and lead guitar players are left to linger on the sidelines hoping for sloppy seconds or leftovers.

125. Dave in Texas - May 22, 2007

Drummers are the nicest guys.

Really.

126. Bosk - May 22, 2007

Honey, lets get a pitbull this time?
:-)

127. Bosk - May 22, 2007

I crack myself up!

128. eddiebear - May 22, 2007

Hey Dave:

Have any medical or plant related problems recently?

129. Nice Deb - May 22, 2007

Hey, that Rosie O’Donnell’s had some intelligent things to say lately, hasn’t she?

130. Bosk - May 22, 2007

Yeah, Rosie is HOT!!!

131. Retired Geezer - May 22, 2007

Why yes, Geoff, I would love to see your John Denver shrine.

132. Michael - May 22, 2007

“Steve is an atheist, so I guess he must be immoral.”

133. Michael - May 22, 2007

“Hey Michael, what’s up with our traffic?”

Well, now that you ask:

IB Factoid Of The Day: Looks like we’ll top 300,000 Visits sometime tonight. Traffic is slow at the moment, so it could happen in the wee hours when the Asia-Pacific hits come in. At the latest, we’ll top 300,000 early tomorrow morning.

FYI, we are currently at 642,813 Page Views. That’s an awesome ratio of Page Views to Visits, especially when you consider the thousands of junk hits per month on the Jessica Alba pic that we got last winter.

134. skinbad - May 22, 2007

“The Jazz win their first NBA title!”

135. skinbad - May 22, 2007

Michael. Having the spam filter catch my comment about the Jazz is low. Even for you.

136. skinbad - May 22, 2007

Well. And there it is.

Nevermind.

137. Michael - May 22, 2007

So like a Mormon. Judgmental. During the Lutheran Millennium™, there will be a special reeducation camp to help Mormons with this problem. Skinny, I’ll try to make sure that you have some ducks to take care of.

138. daveintexas - May 22, 2007

I don’t really care about page views.

139. Russ from Winterset - May 22, 2007

“amish, if anything ever happens to the Mrs. and me, we want you to raise our kids.”

140. Retired Geezer - May 23, 2007

Wicked Pinto, could you take care of Spudder while we’re on vacation?

141. eddiebear - May 23, 2007

Screw Tuna Casseroles!

142. Sobek - May 23, 2007

I can’t believe people are still commenting on a post this old.

143. Nice Deb - May 23, 2007

The kids are always begging for my tuna casseroles!

144. skinbad - September 12, 2008

Obama’s Biden pick sure energized the Dems!

145. Mr Minority - September 12, 2008

I can’t believe people are still commenting on a post this old.

Ageist!

146. Lipstick - September 12, 2008

I just don’t get what the big deal is about Sarah Palin.

And her husband is so yucky. I wouldn’t hit that at all.

147. Mr Minority - September 12, 2008

Lips,
Beauty is the eye of the beholder. I agree with you, he isn’t my type either.

As for Sarah! I’d hit that!!!

148. reason - July 7, 2009

But seriously, guys…I need to get back to work…

149. Reginald Wingate - December 2, 2009

If you can’t trust a global warming scientist, who can you trust?

150. Dave in Texas - December 12, 2009

The Flag Counter, by the way, has a lot of interesting statistics.

151. Sobek - March 27, 2013

Good think Sobek is posting stuff again.

152. Sobek - March 27, 2013

November 2014 isn’t very far off, guys. Let’s start talking about Senate races!


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