Things To Do To Survive The Hot Pockets Recall July 15, 2008
Posted by eddiebear in Commenting Tips, Ducks, Economics, Entertainment, Food, Heroes, Humor, Literature, Man Laws, Music, News, Personal Experiences, Philosophy, Politics, Sex, Sports.trackback
Back when I was in undergrad and sometimes coherent, I all but lived on Hot Pockets. That lava hot cheese. That ambiguous “meat”. That funky sleeve thingy. All for $1.50 for two of them. That meant more money for alcohol, so you know, being the Biz School man I was, I allocated my resources properly and filled my freezer with Hot Pockets so that the essentials would be perpetually handy. And that fucking do-gooder down the hall complaining of the smell and flatulence? Go bite my ass, fuckface! I’m eating and boozing and getting laid. And you?
*ahem*
Anyway, I read with much sorrow today that there has been a recall of a shitload of LeanPockets, the “diet” spinoff of HotPockets.
About 200,000 pounds of the products, a spinach artichoke chicken package with two sandwiches, are affected.
This prompted a recall of the greatest stand up skit not featuring the late George Carlin (PBUH):
Anyway, what’s a lad to do while waiting out the recall? Here are a few suggestions:
Ponder whether or not Batman could really exist.
What’s most plausible about portrayals of Batman’s skills?
You could train somebody to be a tremendous athlete and to have a significant martial arts background, and also to use some of the gear that he has, which requires a lot of physical prowess. Most of what you see there is feasible to the extent that somebody could be trained to that extreme. We’re seeing that kind of thing in less than a month in the Olympics.
Thanks to Wisergenius for the above.
Steve Striker of Edwardsville planned to eat at least 24 doughnuts. He was working on 20 doughnuts when he reached the Worden pit stop.
“I don’t think I’ll make my goal. It’s tough to hold it back now,” Striker said as he was shoving five doughnuts into his mouth.
First-time participant Blake Stevens of Edwardsville said the ride was fun.
“I got to see some guy puke after eating 25 doughnuts, so that was interesting,” Stevens said.
Cope with the InBev buyout of A-B:
Q: What should I drink instead?
A: You have several options. You can drink Miller Lite, which is fucking terrible. You can also drink Coors Light, which is also fucking terrible. But at least Coors Light is an offical sponsor of the NFL. Also, when you open a Coors Light, a big fucking silver train comes from out of nowhere! And you can see your breath! And girls with big tits show up out of thin air! Awesome.
…
Whatever you do, DO NOT drink any Belgian beer. Belgium is renowned for making delicious dubbels and trappist ales that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. THIS IS A TRAP. It’s right there in the name: “trap”pist. You know who makes those beers? Bloodthirsty Belgian monks, who employ the beer as a sedative before FUCKING THEIR VICTIMS UP THE ASS. You keep that Chimay away from my family, you perverts.
Or, you could engage in some “bonding” with the USC Football Team.
You could drive scooters in Columbus, OH (I hear that is popular with some on this site).
It’s difficult to get an exact estimate as to how many scooters are being operated around the city, but some estimates are as high as 3,000.
“With the fuel injection engines, it should get about 100 miles per gallon under normal use,” Beam said.
But there are drawbacks.
Scooters are now mixing into the flow of traffic.
Dave Hughes and his wife have started riding scooters to and from work.
“It’s more of a respect thing and ‘you’re in my way kind of thing,’” Hughes said.
But as the price of gasoline remains high, scooters may not always be the vehicles that are “in the way.”
“We’ve been absolutely inundated (with a) 35 scooter backorder right now,” Beam said.
With a higher demand than supply, Central Ohioans should expect to see more and more of them as more are built and available.
Or, you could hang out with some Canadian Football Cheerleaders.
Folks, the choice is yours. Choose wisely.
I looked at the cheerleaders and of course, “The Replacements” with the stripper cheerleaders popped into my head. Go figure.
Actually, befitting Canadian folks, these cheerleader pictures are tamer than some of the ones Don Chavez has regarding NBA Cheerleaders.
Or, you could hang out with some Canadian Football Cheerleaders.
Cheerleaders, please.
Thank you very much.
those are trannies.
Well, the one with the biiiig smile might be.
Hot Pockets?!? Feh, feh I say!
I got by on Swanson Boilin Bags. Roast beef, turkey and gravy. .25 cents each when they were on sale at HEB.
And a big old bottle of Dr Pepper.
^I wonder what that would be adjusted for inflation.
Totino’s Tempting Toppings pizzas. About $0.65 each for a 12″ pizza. Not exactly a gourmet feast, but when you’re coming home drunk from the bars every night anyway why spend more than a dollar for your late-night snack?
I also got a LOT of those Swanson’s pot pies. Whenever I was completely broke, we would get the “store brand” ones, and mix them in with 10 for a $1 packs of Ramen Noodles. We supplemented our diets with all the rabbits, squirrels, pheasants & quail we could shoot on weekends during the fall, but we never did do a cost analysis of the cost of the meat vs. the cost of the bullets & shotgun shells we used to get it.
I am not much of a Hot Pockets kind of guy.
But I do love Jose’s Beef, Bean and Cheese Burritos. Followed by a couple of Ding-Dongs and you have the ultimate Stoner Dinner.
As to the beer, try Yuengling Lager or Premium. Made in Pottsville, PA.
I got by on Swanson Boilin Bags. Roast beef, turkey and gravy
I used to love those. I don’t know why they stopped making them.
those are trannies.
How dare you speak of my future wives that way!
^NTTAWWT
those are trannies.
I’m not a USC fan either.
I got by on Swanson Boilin Bags. Roast beef, turkey and gravy.
I remember those too. Used to boil ‘em up and put it on a piece of toast. Don’t remember ever having the turkey though, just the roast beast.
Cup o’ Noodles. 8 pounds of salt in a 16oz cup. MMMMM, now that’s some damn fine eats right there.
Hot Pockets? Burritos? Pizza? Cup o’ Noodles, even, while you all were undergrads? Buncha Trust Fund Babies! Two words (and a euphamism), people: Top. Friggin’. Ramen. With water heated in a cheap hot pot.
Next, let me tell you about how I had to hike to class in the freezing rain every day, uphill both ways…
…after feeding the chickens and sloppin’ the hogs.
You had chickens and hogs? We had cockroaches and pretended they were chickens and hogs! You had it nice!
Cockroaches?!? Unimaginable luxury! Oh what I wouldn’t have given in my youth to have a cockroach crawling all over my straw and ticking mattress. You lucky bastard.
Straw and ticking!?! STRAW AND TICKING!?! Why not stay in Buckingham Palace while you’re at it?
Thistles and ticks is what we slept on, and we were grateful for it. No putting on airs for us.
Ticks?! Well la-tee-dah, Mr. Fancy “We Had Ticks When I Was a Wee Laddie”. I would have given my right arm to have a few ticks back in the day. Many’s the night we cried ourselves to sleep, dreaming of other children playing with ticks, teaching them tricks and talents, and having a “Tick Circus”.
You had a right arm? Well, weren’t you a fancy lad, strutting about with your showy appendages! Why, I’d have given my left nut to have a right arm when I was young, but we couldn’t afford luxuries like that.
I’d have given my left nut…
LEFT NUT!!?!?!? You were able to retain your left nut?
Pa took ours when we were young to help pay for used thistles so we would have something to lay down on after working 21 hours a day in our landlord’s arugula patch.
Soiled elitists!
Oh yeah! Well you spoiled little brats should know when I was a ute I had to play the clarinet!
And I was raised with only one paraffin kit
^ Oh, you deprived child!
Soiled elitists!
Did you mean to say spoiled? Or were implying that they’re shitty?
Did you mean to say spoiled? Or were implying that they’re shitty?
I meant to say spoiled, but then realized that soiled was more appropriate.
^maybe we were talking about port a potties.
I think it’s only appropriate to link this sketch.