Innocent Bystanders

Today’s Words Of Wisdom For A Lousy February Day February 18, 2009

First of all, make sure any chimps you have at a party are tame.

He brushed his teeth with a Water Pik, logged on to a computer to look at photos and channel-surfed television with the remote control.

But on Monday, the wild animal in him came out with a vengeance.

The 200-pound animal viciously mauled a friend of his owner before being shot to death by police.

Investigators are trying to figure out why — whether it was a bout of Lyme disease, a reaction to drugs, or a case of instinct taking over.

“It’s hard to say what exactly precipitated this behavior,” said Colleen McCann, a primatologist at the Bronx Zoo. “At the end of the day, they are not human and you can’t always predict their behavior and how they or any other wild animal will respond when they feel threatened.”

Travis attacked 55-year-old Charla Nash as Sandra Herold frantically stabbed her beloved pet with a butcher knife and pounded him with a shovel. Nash was in critical condition Tuesday with “life-changing, if not life-threatening,” injuries to her face and hands, Mayor Dannel Malloy said.

Police said they are looking into the possibility of criminal charges. A pet owner can be held criminally responsible if he or she knew or should have known that an animal was a danger to others.

Police said that Travis was agitated earlier Monday and that Herold had given him the anti-anxiety drug Xanax in some tea. Police said the drug had not been prescribed for the 14-year-old chimp.

Secondly, no matter how friendly you think a lion is, never grab his testicles.

Alex said: “I was showing another warden that Jamu trusts me completely.

“People can’t believe it’s real when they see the picture. I tell them ‘yes it’s real, I’m holding a lions’ b****’.”

And, finally, no matter how much you want to do so, never stick your man-junk in a grinder.

It is understood the 23-year-old was working in Northgate when he was injured just after 2pm.

A Department of Emergency Services spokeswoman could not identify the type of grinder that had injured the man or detail how he came in contact with the device.

Although the extent of his injuries is not known, paramedics who treated the man at the scene were able to stem the bleeding.

Cheers.