Ahh…Parenting! Or, Where I Officially Have Become My Father. April 22, 2009
Posted by Edward von Bear in Ducks, Economics, Family, Gardening, Man Laws, News, Personal Experiences.Tags: cheapskate, I blame Mare, man this sucks, money, spongebob references
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Our house still is in the Stone Ages with DirecTV, with one of the more basic packages around. One of the channels we do not get, and I refuse to pay for, is the one that shows nothing but horse races from around the country.
Well, the Little One spent some time over at my parents’ place a few nights ago, and celebrated the fact that they have the Mega Wallet Raper HD Package, which includes her newest favorite channel to watch with Grandpa. Upon returning home to my cave, this conversation ensued when Little One asked to watch the channel in question:
Daughter: “Daddy, where is the horse channel?”
Me: “You mean the horse racing one?”
Her: “Yes”.
Me: “We don’t have it.”
Her: “Why?”
Me: “It costs extra money, and I refuse to pay for it.”
Her, after a contemplative pause: “Why don’t you spend money?”
Me (here is where the transformation occurs): “Because I am not made out of money.”
Her: “Why?”
Me (mildly agitated): “Because I don’t want to spend the money!”
Her: “You are just like Mr. Krabs.”
Me: “It could be worse.”
Fin.
What’s the movie with Liz tailor where she has to have the horse put down?
Was that national velvet?
If you can’t find the movie, then get old yeller, and tell her that “yeller is LIKE a Horse, dogs are like small horses, let’s just watch the movie.”
By the end of the movie she will fall off of her horse kick for a while, buying you some time.
Is it Black stallion? There is a horse euthenasia movie, but I don’t know which one make her watch that.
True story, have a cousin, who is quite a bit older than I am and he used to beat the snot out of me (not brutaly, but regularly)
As a little kid, he used to watch flipper all the time, and then he saw a docu on pbs where a dolfin died, and ever since then he couldn’t watch flipper cuz he kept crying.
Give your daughter a euthenasia of horses movie, and she will cry everytime she see’s a horse, and BAM! situation is remedied, until she needs therapy after she’s 18, and if she doesn’t go to college, It doesn’t affect your premium.
I call it obamequicare. Just kick the can down the road.
WP, the Liz movie is National Velvet. The Black Stallion is a beautiful movie, and the horse does not die.
It would have if WP & I had anything to do with it.
No, the Black Stallion is cool. He would not make good glue or dog food. He’s better than human.
Wow, LauraW’s a White Zombie fan? I never would have guessed.
Best White Zombie song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ezcoy-Lz8p4
You ever have a band that you hate everything they do, but they have one song you like?
And let me just make two points of clarification with respect to my last two comments. First, I don’t need any old codgers shaking their canes at me and yelling about kids and their crazy rock ‘n roll, because I’m far more likely to listen to Simon & Garfunkle (for example) than either of the linked bands.
Second, and more importantly, it is the height of indignity to stand there, noses upturned and moustaches finely waxed, with your monocles and your snifters of carefully-aged brandy, and lecture my generation about musical and visual aesthetics, when you grew up in the era that produced this:
Scene last night at bedtime, whereupon the generational Pupster family circle of dysfunction closes just a little bit tighter around my neck:
Pupster – “So, basically you lied to me?”
Boy 1 – “Uhm…well…”
Pupster – *Hard-ass stare*
Boy 1 –
Pupster – You looked me right in the eyes and lied.
*deep in/exhale through nose*
Boy 1 – “I felt REALLY BAD about it afterward.”
DON’T TALK SHIT ABOUT EARTH WIND & FIRE.
I keeelllll you
…and don’t ever, ever, EVER loan anybody your White Zombie cassette. Bought that stupid, awesome thing over and over and over again.
Great driving music for a leadfoot.
Remorse is good. And Sobek, DON’T TALK SHIT ABOUT EARTH WIND AND FIRE!
hahaha lauraw! GMTA.
What do you have to say for yourself, BrewFan? How can you soak in your smug self-satisfaction, Michael? Have you no shame, Dave?
Look what you’ve done! Look upon it and weep, not only that such a thing was ever made, but that you then had the audacity to commit it to celluloid, to preserve forever a record of the depths of your infamy! For you were not content that your own kind should be exposed to such a thing, but that it should live on, always ready to sting the unsuspecting eyes of your own children, your own grandchildren, and your posterity through all generations of time.
“Ah,” you cry, “but we are not to blame! It’s not our fault we spent two entire decades so hopped up on LSD and mescaline that it actually seemed like a good idea!” Dare you make such a defense, sirs? Dare you hide behind your own voluntary intoxications, when the result was to cause the involuntary intoxication of uncounted masses for years to come? The drunkard is a mean and lowly creature, indeed, but far more inferior is the drunkard who, with full knowledge of the risks, takes bottle in hand and then ventures out into polite society! Scandal and infamy, for such a person is as surely responsible for the results of his conduct as the blackguard who cries “the Tories are coming!” in a theatre crowded with Whig partisans.
*Sobek pauses to readjust his tri-cornered hat and powdered wig, which have been knocked askew during his wild declamations and accusatory gesticulations*
But I say, that in the very act of inflicting untold horrors upon those to whom your hearts should have been most solicitous, you have done nothing less than testify against your own souls, and in the open court of the bar of Almighty God Himself. You show yourselves to be more guilty, more reprehensible, more deserving of howls of execration, than any turncoat who sold his country for cankered metals, who trampeled upon the ideals of freedom for the approbation of tyrants. And to add villainy to villainy, the very act of filming such a cultural abomination evidences not only your violation of the laws of God and man, but also the perversions of your soul that you thought it no shame to preserve such a record. Nay, but rather you gloried in that which you did, exulting, “and who will ask me, ‘Why hast thou done such?’ and who will demand ‘by what right hast thou so acted?’”
Ladies and gentlemen, fellow countrymen, lovers of freedom, brothers and sisters of human excellence, how long can you gaze upon such notoreity and not be moved with such choler as to break out in a fire of righteous indignation, to rain fire upon these workers of destruction as Almighty Jehovah did upon Sodom, to salt their fields as the Lord did to Gomorrah, to throw eggs at their vehicles as Elijah did to Ahab? But rise up, and be men, and take a stand for true and just principles, lest your own children look upon you lowly, and demand why you did not insist upon justice, and thereby perpetuate injustice.
Racist.
Sobek why do you want to keep the black man down?
Don’t tell anyone, but I actually like “September.”
I bet you don’t like this either
I don’t usually like live stuff, but this is really good:
And I think you all must admit the high quality of my impassioned speech. I was totally born in the wrong century.
Yup. Good stuff Sobek.
And you don’t have to be shy about liking ‘September.’ If you can listen to that song without shaking your ass even just a little, you are not human.
Rubberband Man! I know every word. Heh.
Nice shoes.
Where the heck did you crib that speech?
*Sobek slaps Michael in the face with a white glove*
*the white glove had an anvil in it, a la Bugs Bunny*
Rubberband Man! I know every word. Heh.
*Throws a huge shoe at Laura*
Don’t give me an earworm!
Know what I hate? Madagascar. Not the movie, which is okay — certainly not worthy of full-on hatred. I hate the entire country of Madagascar.
Don’t get me started on hate. I had a ‘root planing’ at the dentist’s this morning. 2 hours. I want to know why Obama hasn’t taken a stand on that torture.
Hey croc god, how about dispensing some free legal advice? My wife changed jobs in 2005. In 2006 we rolled over her Fidelity 401k into a Fidelity IRA. Last week I got a letter from Fidelity saying that when they did the rollover that some of the funds were not yet vested so they want me to send them a check for about $1000. We have no documentation to support whether their claim is valid and the company was sold about 2 years ago. I find it interesting that no documentation accompanied the demand like a vesting schedule or a letter from the company asking for their money back. What should I do?
My advice is to ask someone who knows what the heck a Fidelity 401k and a Fidelity IRA are. Sorry, bud. If you want info on Deeds of Trust or fraud in Nevada, shoot me an e-mail.
You guys are worse then hookers. Can’t you even give me the legal equivalent of a handjob here? Sheesh.
If your hooker messes up, you don’t wind up with a three-year lawsuit filed by a multinational bank, with concurrent investigations by the FBI and IRS.
I will say, you can always demand they show you some paperwork.
Unless you have an extremely creative hooker, that is.
Brewfan, call them up and tell them if they want any more money for Obama they can fuckin come and take it! Be sure to say “fuck”.
*the preceding should not be construed as legal advice. Dave in Texas is not licensed by the Texas Bar Association in any area of legal specialization, but he is a cutie patootie ain’t he?
I will say, you can always demand they show you some paperwork.
Dry hump.
Great, so now I feel like BrewFan’s prom date.
and don’t ever, ever, EVER loan anybody your White Zombie cassette
True story, but first.
“cassette?” really you got the cassette? It’s not like zombie came out in the 70′s, CD’s WERE the common form at the time.
Now true story,
I was in the Marine Corps with a guy named Germann, he was one of the most insanely selfish people on the planet, all he wanted to do was party and fuck (though chicks REALLY did not like him) but he just had a powerful MC personality, at least during peacetime, and most of us guys liked him, cuz he was funny.
He saw my CD collection and he borrowed my CD “Tool” “Tool” “FUCK! never thought you’d like Tool you tight ass!” or something like that.
Note: I’m not that different now than I was while I was in, but at portions while I was in, others thought I was a tight ass, that should give you some small insight into Marine Culture.
I knew Germann while I was in my E-school, or T-School or whatever people want to call it, after MCT.
I let him borrow my Tool CD’s, cuz I had 3 of them, I also let him borrow my Marylin manson, and my Ministry CD’s, and one of my LARD cassettes.
He returned everything but my “Tool” CD’s, and I called him on it.
“Aw fuck dude, I think I lost them, you can search my room.”
so I searched his room, couldn’t find them.
“nevermind, it’s all cool.” I ate the loss, and I didn’t mind, he was a cool cat.
I go to my 3/4 school (simultaneous training for additional MOS’s) and then I get stationed in Oki.
a few months later, he shows up in OKI on a float, and I’m about to go to the brig, and he gives this big toast to me at my “getting put away” party (thats what my friends called it, I had asshole friends)
Germann THOUGHT he knew who’s party he was attending, but I wasn’t present when it started, so when he see’s me he gets very loud and obnoxious, and starts telling “when we were in school.” stories.
and I follow up with, “yeah and you stole my Tool CD’s.”
“OH! fuck! that’s right, that’s you, dude, I totaly lost them, but I love tool so I bought new copies, I’ll give them to you, let me get them.”
He runs off and get’s the tool CD’s he “bought” cuz he liked the band so much.
He comes back, and gives me the CD’s, and I said, “you ‘lost’ my cd’s'”
“yeah dude (he said dude a lot) I felt so bad, cuz I didn’t want you to think I stole them or something.”
I popped the case, from one of the CD’s, the part that holds the CD? you know how you can pop it out of the case? that’s what I did.
On the back of the holder, is a bright orange label that has my name and my home address. The CD that Germann “bought to replace,” was actually the CD he (and I believe him) accidentaly stole from me.
See, when you are in, cuz you move around so much, you are taught to mark EVERYTHING! And I marked my CD’s by marking my cases with bright orange labels with my name and rank and home address.
Germann started laughing and apologizing, and he left, saying “I’ll be right back, I gotta see if I have any more of your shit.”
He was a wack job (a very entertaining wack job, but a wackjob nonetheless, he was also a fellow chicagoin.)
Dang, Pinto, that story was actually kinda funny and worth reading.
Are you sober?
Rubberband Man! I know every word. Heh.
Oh yeah. Really impressive:
Doo doo doot doot do doo doo doot doot do do do doot
Guaranteed to blow your mind.
I am right now.
I still think that eddie could minimize his economic efficacy by convincing his daughter to watch animal farm.
I mean really, who doesn’t love boxer (yeah lefties, I ACTUALLY read the book unlike you retards, who quote orwell, not because you read orwell, but because you have a big book of quotes, that you don’t understand you fucksticks. Get back to me after you’ve read “Meditations.” and even then, you probably got it from “Big book of liberal quotes.” Fucking retards)
Have her watch Animal Farm the cartoon, and when boxer dies, she will be affraid of having a horse, or pony.
Random thing, while I was in, one of my radio monikers was “boxer.” and one of the people who I worked with got the reference, “If you are the workhorse boxer, then you must work without food or water, and aren’t allowed to talk, so please be silent.”
I hated the guy, but I appreciated him getting the reference.
Though our CWO took to calling me “workhorse.” which was an insult to the other people I worked with.
also, he had a lot of my CD’s, but that’s cuz he gave me his copies rather than mine.
He was a wack job (a very entertaining wack job, but a wackjob nonetheless,
I just thought that was worth repeating.