Beat Down May 12, 2009
Posted by Sobek in News.trackback
A long time ago, when I was a wee blogger just knee high to the Llama Butchers, I found a funny blog called Beat Down, or something like that. Basically, the co-bloggers would state who needed a beat down, and the appropriate object to be used in said beat down. I have no idea where that blog is, or whether it still exists. But I do know that humor about savage beatings is inherently funny. So with that in mind:
10. Tim Geithner, with a sock full of untaxed nickles.
9. Dave in Texas, with heterosexuality.
8. Joe Biden, with a ream of other peoples’ resumes.
7. Michael, with pure Lutheran casserole.
6. Wanda Sykes, with a piece of scrap metal from United Flight 175.
5. Skinbad, with a can of caffeine free Coke.
4. George Lucas, with the un-tinkered-with film reel of A New Hope.
3. Harry Reid, with a feather (anything heavier than that and I’m afraid I’d be advocating murder)
2. Nancy Pelosi, with a syringe full of Botox, wrapped in CIA memos showing she knew about waterboarding in 2002.
1. Jean-Pierre Jeunet, with the script for Alien: Resurrection
Who/what did I miss?
re: 1
Don’t even fucking go there, and we won’t dismember you. Slowly.
And at least it was better than Alien3.
correction: change “won’t” to “might not, assuming we’ve had our shot of whiskey for the day, and our painkillers, and our joint ache isn’t acting up too badly at this particular moment.”
No nice piece of hickory?
Megan?
*runs like the wind*
Barney Frank, with Rosey O’Donnell’s vagina.
I think you are thinking of the following blog site, right?
People who deserve a beat down
Personally I love the site… It has a humor that I can identify with…:-)
Rosey O’Donnell’s vagina, with 1,000 gallons of flaming jet fuel.
Hah!
Sobek, with the Thummin and a mushy banana.
Michael said: “Megan? *runs like the wind*”
Indeed. And I wanted to – um… [trails off, watching the dustclouds] Dude. I wasn’t going to hurt you. Well, not *yet.*
1000 gallons of flaming jet fuel, with unmeltable steel girders.
If that’s OUR Megan, it’s freaky that she picks now to show up. I was just thinking of her last night, for the first time in a long time.
ooh ooh I want to do tiny tim geithner give me a few hours and I will give it my best shot
ooh ooh I want to do tiny tim geithner
Ummm….Vmax? NTTAWWT. ‘cept there is. A lot wrong with that.
In honor of our Albanian visitor:
Communism, with freedom and prosperity.
In Honor of Libya:
Ghadaffi with a JDAM through the chimney
KC’s bottom, gently, with a nice piece of hickory.
The Pakistani government, with 30-year-old karma.
Manny Ramirez, with a functioning ovary.
Michael, with the Westminster Confession of Faith
Hi Megan! *waves*
Lauraw, with a framed and autographed photo of Charles Laughton.
Edward Von Bear, with an orange croc
Yes Laura, it’s your Megan.
Hi Brew.
Megan!
I thought of her yesterday when I saw an Idaho vanity license plate, that said:
BUTTERS
I shit you not.
wiserbud, with Rosetta’s purse.
Skinbad with a Special waffle turner.
BTW, we’re still enjoying that homemade syrup you gave us.
Russ with a hard-frozen pound of TURKEY Bacon.
[reading Ace's comments list] …is it just us, or has there been some kind of explosion in the online lesbian population recently?
BrewFan, with a bucket of stink bait, a block of moldy cheddar and a copy of Brett Favre’s imminent contract with the Vikings.
The Hostages, with 632 comments calling each other gay.
BTW, we’re still enjoying that homemade syrup you gave us.</i<
Then you’re consuming it too slowly. I’m glad you like it.
Skinbad, with an HTML for dummies book.
Megan, that may have to do with krakatoa’s latest overnight post.
How’s your health these days?
Crap. Yours?
I feel alright, I guess, but I never go to the doctor, so who knows. There could be a gigantic tumor eating up my spleen as we type.
Are you neglecting your dietary requirements?
No, we have an IV tube plugged into our right bicep as we type. You?
Dave in Texas with Lauraw’s hump.
Mmmm, sounds delicious. I bet that really sticks to your ribs.
I just toasted and inhaled 1/2 a No. 9 from D’Angelo’s because I’m tired of waiting for hubby to bring me ‘breakfast.’ At 11 am.
I don’t understand how one goes several hours without dying of malnutrition. Must be a metabolism thing.
I want a fucking steak.
Geezer with some deflated Vegas showgirls funbags.
#36 oh darn. Rough me up.
Hi Megan.
Pony, with a Berkline Stratolounger.
Know what you mean, been craving a good steak lately myself. Finally had a decent ribeye last night at a good local steakhouse.
And Michael, with the fuckin Wittenberg Door.
I really miss the days when only white male landowners were allowed to vote.
#36…yeah…I don’t think Geez is clear on the ironic/ poetic justice angle we’re going for here.
Dave is not an anti-humpite.
I really miss the days when only white male landowners were allowed to vote.
Me too. Women were happier when they were chattel.
*looks around*
Oops.
*runs like the wind*
LauraW, with a shipping box full of live emus that I needed to arrive in Dushanbe early yesterday morning.
Michael, on most days, most women deserve to be nothing more.
Because women are stupid.
Oh Megan, you are trying to draw me out.
I’m not going to fall for it.
I don’t think Geez is clear on the ironic/ poetic justice angle we’re going for here.
*Geezer gives it another try:
Mrs. Peel with a J.K. Rowling autographed copy of Deathly Hallows weighted with a dodecahedron die purchased at a Renaissance Faire by a Swing Dance teacher who owns a Jeep Cherokee.
*Geezer sits back exhausted.
Draw you out of what? You’ve always been a weak-kneed pussy-footing “women’s-rights” advocate everywhere you went, Michael. Everyone knows it. No one would ever believe that you had an inner caveman lurking beneath the surface.
We’ll bet you eat “organic tofu” and think holding the door for a date is a perpetuation of slavery.
Geez, I’d really like to defend you Michael but I think she’s got you pegged.
Hopefully you’re into that.
Michael, with Megan.
Oh Megan, you are trying to draw me out. I’m not going to fall for it.
Good idea, Honey. Consider who is at home with all weapons and ammo and 24-hour locksmiths on the speed-dial.
Great supper planned. Come home hungry, Sweetie-love.
Crocs?
Dammit!
Musli, with some poor Urdu grammar.
Yes, Cathy.
I want to know how the heck we got 22 hits from Estonia already.
Entirely coincidentally, we just got 22 emails from girls asking me to buy them.
by a Swing Dance teacher who owns a Jeep Cherokee.
…by a one-legged Swing Dance teacher who owns a Jeep Cherokee.
Compos Mentis – with a bottle of Ex-Lax
Rosetta – with a bottle of shampoo
Geoff – with a Pie…….Chart
Spurwing Plover – with a grammar book and a dictionary.
Michael – with a bag of bat guano
Tushar with a 44 oz. Slushee and a Slim Jim
and a dancing cobra
Skinbad – with a bottle of moisturizing cream
TBOM- with anything that is actually funneh.
Robert Gibbs- With Dick Cheney’s Shoe
Keith Olberman- With a lead pipe…in the study.
DiT – with a Mesa Guitar Amp, and two heavy ass speakers.
Pajama Momma – with turtle poo
Chuck Schumer – with a media blackout
Chris Mathews- With a normal person’s leg.
#71, heh.
Theresa Heinz Kerry, with an empty gin bottle.
Chuckie Wrangle- With a subpeonea to a deposition about his various homes.
Janine Garaffolo- With some soap and an injection of STFU.
Bill Maher- With a bloody Koran and a rusty scimitar.
Bombing Billy Ayers- With a case of US Flags, Tag-Team Swung by a group of Disabled Veterans.
Christopher Hitchens, with a Syrian Nazi’s boot.
What, too soon?
John Edwards, with Christopher Reeve’s spine.
D’Oh bama – with the collective works of Adam Smith, Frederich Hayek, Ludwig von Mises and Milton Friedman.
Tushar with a tea bag
Michael Moore – with a Atkins book.
Perez Hilton with a Tiara
Sohos – with ticklish feathers.
Joe Biden-with a handicapped Hindu’s Wheelchair.
BrewFan – with a slab of stinky Swiss cheese.
Mesablue – with a 10 pound bag of bacon.
Wait. He will love that.
Bart, with a sack of freshly-shaved leg hair.
BiW – with a clown posse.
Sohos-With a bratwurst
Bart, with a sack of freshly-shaved
leghair.FTFY
fuck. Chest hair.
Tushar-With a curry wurst.
Yes, they exist:
http://www.len.ro/photo/cooking/slides/curry_wurst.jpg
eh. idiots.
Laura, AIM is still shivaxid@ -whatever. gmail, yahoo, whatever you had earlier. Look us up.
xbrad-with regrets and failures
Michael with Batman’s codpiece.
Uniball – with a box of pens, or a pair of balls, depending on what is his current explanation for his handle.
BIWIC-With the full weight of Washington State Disbarment
At some point, don’t you morons stop pretending that you’re being clever?
Uni, used to eat currywurst all the time when I lived in Germany. Good lunch.
Megan, with my hurt feelings.
Megan at 102, no, we take every good idea and beat it like a dead horse…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IU1bzZheWk
Megan – with a tall glass of ST*U juice.
Because honestly. Shut the fuck up. It wasn’t “a good idea” to start with and it’s not a good idea now.
Megan-with a dead horse.
Megan-With a douche.
BrewFan with PattyAnn
What??
>>BrewFan with PattyAnn
Ooooh! Kinky!
sobek is a dumbass living on the fumes of Michael’s farts. And Michael himself isn’t that funny either. You would not be reading this blog if it weren’t for Ace.
Live with it, children.
>>Megan-With a douche.
TBoM! Don’t hit on Megan.
Tushar-With a slurpee
Ace – with the New Comment Thingy
Sohos-with google eyes
Megan- with Michael’s farts.
Ok, now I’m just recycling.
115 I will help you, Tush
Wow, what’s up with Megan? Is she still pissed her daddy didn’t win the election?
>>Tushar-With a slurpee
Ha! A repeat.
Well, Skinbad said Slushee. So yours is totally original.
* “Rich” – don’t you dare address us unless we know who the fuck you’re supposed to be.
#115 hahahahaha
Same goes to you, brad.
Megan, you should see my cock.
Megan – with Rich’s pennies.
Tushar-With unreasonable expectations from his parents to become a doctor.
Megan:
I gave up clever for Lent
Unexpectedly, Uniball made us laugh.
>>Tushar-With unreasonable expectations from his parents to become a doctor.
Fack! That is hitting below the belt, Uni.
Tushar- with a bar of soap
Uni,
my expectation is that one of my kids will become a US Marine. The other most probably will become a thief.
Really, Uniball wins the thread.
Tush:
So one of your little ones has a political ambition?
TBoM – with stale bathwater.
““Rich” – don’t you dare address us unless we know who the fuck you’re supposed to be.”
Well I was supposed to be a pretty princess but that didn’t quite workout as planned 39 years ago.
Tushar,
Those sound like reasonable expectations.
>>So one of your little ones has a political ambition?
Eddie, he will be a thief. No son of mine will sink so low to become a politician.
Tushar – with a red ink stamp pad
Tush:
True.
TBoM – with a TRO
#135
Rich – okay, you made us laugh. You may live.
But, question: how long exactly did it take you to figure out you weren’t a pretty princess?
^When Rosietta turned him down
ps. Answer in inches and we *shall* kill you. By inches.
“how long exactly did it take you to figure out you weren’t a pretty princess?”
Megan, he’s still conflicted. Somedays, he thinks he’s Rosetta.
When Barbie started to make me feel dirty…in a good way.
Uniball – with his stack of Big Black Ass magazines
wait wait wait
Rich is Rosetta?
No, Megan, I was just insulting Rich
>>Somedays, he thinks he’s Rosetta.
DON’T TALK SHIT ABOUT ROSETTA!!!
Can we talk shit TO Rosetta still?
^why not? What else are we going to do?
>>Can we talk shit TO Rosetta still?
Oh, that you can do.
Rosetta, I will hit you with a bag of used tampons, you man-lesbian!
Shit, someone needs to catch us up. Last we heard Rosetta was a mostly like-minded heterosexual male.
Mesablue – with a 10 pound bag of bacon.
Wait. He will love that.
Add in an insane redhead swinging it. No…Wait!
Megan,
Rosetta (Rosie to his friends) picked up the moniker of “man-lesbian” because folks who’d never heard of the Rosetta Stone thought Rosetta was a woman’s name. So we kid him about his gender and sexuality.
ah, we used to do that ourselves.
You would not be reading this blog if it weren’t for Ace.
Live with it, children.
Someone is woefully misinformed. I wouldn’t be reading this blog if we Hostages didn’t like picking the noses of the Bystanders, and then making them eat their boogers, between their bouts of hitting themselves.
Never been a big fan of Ace’s, although I do read it from time to time.
And who in the name of Sox’s removed sex organs are you to be using the royal we??? Last time I looked, that was reserved for Emperor Misha I.
#157
“Someone is woefully misinformed. I wouldn’t be reading this blog if we Hostages didn’t like picking the noses of the Bystanders, and then making them eat their boogers, between their bouts of hitting themselves.”
Well, um. If you enjoy that sort of thing, we guess you have our permission to knock yourself out.
Just leave Laura alone.
The rest are yours to do with as you please.
You would not be reading this blog if it weren’t for Ace.
Nobody reads this blog
#158
We’re the princess of the Vanishing Throne.
>>Just leave Laura alone.
No way! I have first dibs on her hump.
The theme song to Laura’s vag
So here I went and wrote up a rosettish beat down for TG in my spare time at work and it turns into a Hostage beatdown thread. Damn and it looked like it was fun.
Why cannot I screw off at work?
>>We’re the princess of the Vanishing Throne.
Somebody stole the toilet in my out-house too.
I don’t call myself a prince.
Vanishing Throne
I thought it was because it disappears under all the fat rolls
http://inventorspot.com/articles/kneeling_bench_keeps_splashes_and_pride_minimum_27528
You mean this throne?
Tush, I don’t want to alarm you, but you really are starting to take on Hostage-like characteristics. Pointed observations, random explosions of teh funneh, and a joyful eagerness to kick TBOM in the junk whenever the mood strikes you.
Before you know it, you’ll be laughing inappropriately in awkward moments.
Would you prefer “The Throne of Glass and (something like) Steel?” Though that hasn’t been used since over a thousand years before Christ.
^That’s what I heard when I called my credit card company to complain.
Hmm-mmm.
Finally we get a visitor from Bulgaria. I can close the stupid widget now.
Careful Tush…BiW looks like he is trying to recruit you into his Court of the Disappearing Nutsack
BiW, I have been running with the Hostages & IB crowd waaay longer than you think. I have known Rosie, DiT, Wiser, Michael, Laura, PJM, PA etc for almost 4 years.
I admit, Megan, that I checked, and both glass and steel had been invented a thousand years before Christ.
Damn you!
Huh. We didn’t know that. Thanks Michael.
for megan:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGMMjFPWv3s
[puts on some Judas Priest to get the godawful sounds out of her head]
…so *very* not nice.
skulks back to own blog
BiW, I have been running with the Hostages & IB crowd waaay longer than you think.
It’s true. I’ve bought more Slurpees from Tushar than I can remember.
You drove away Sohos! This means WAR!!!!!
choose your sides and weapons!!!
I am going with a box of Total. And some Salt.
Oops. My bad
Hurting SoHoS?
Unacceptable.
FUCK SALT@!
Not hurt just going to go do more PT be back soon!
It’s fun to imagine Glenn Reynolds reading this thread and thinking, “Jesus, I actually linked these retards!”
“Jesus, I actually linked these retards!”
Ha ha ha ha!
Lime flavored Slurpee with vodka = magnificent brain freeze.
Do you all remember when Meegan couldn’t pronounce the name “Barry?”
It’s fun to imagine Glenn Reynolds reading this thread and thinking, “Jesus, I actually linked these retards!”
BrewFan had the same thought. hahaha! Welcome Powerline blog readers! hahaha!
The next person that comments on this thread has to clean up after the BrewFan-composmentis lemon party.
Hello, everyone! What’s new?
Hahahahaha. Someone’s a dick. AND DON’T TALK SHIT ABOUT MAN-LESBIANS!!!
Happy Birthday, Michael.
Mesablue with a 1973 Hammond B3 and a Mesa Boogie Mark I.
He won’t walk away from that shit.
crap. It’s Michael’s birfday. Good thing I already made a birfday cake for him.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/saclandtrader/3525846567/
Megan, check your gmail addy??
Holy moly, almost 200 comments on an IB thread. Who the hell divided by zero and ended the world?
Why wasn’t I notified?
And 200. I’m spent.
Was it good for you?
“Who the hell divided by zero and ended the world?”
Not me, but I did just get a hyperbola to touch the asymptote. (Note: not a euphemism)
but I did just get a hyperbola to touch the asymptote.
Ok, my calculus is rusty (as in 40 yr old silo rusty), but I’m pretty sure that’s not s’posed to happen.
Brew it was too short. But my momma said I should get used to that
“…but I’m pretty sure that’s not s’posed to happen.”
It just takes some patience, is all. Most mathematicians just give up too easily.
Hahahaha Sobek. You know what that reminded me of? My mother w/ a jigsaw puzzle. Have you ever watched someone try each piece in every available spot? That’s her.
How the hell do Guam and Puerto Rico qualify as countries?
Folks, I hate to say this, but two of those flags in the sidebar are bogus. In the last two days, we’ve only really racked up 87 actual countries.
but
two ofthose flags in the sidebar arebogusa cry for help.FTFY
Wow. When was the last time a thread got more than 25 comments here?
Congrats, Sobek. You may just be responsible for bringing this place back to life.
You should be very proud of yourself.
Sobek is teh IB viagra.
I gots teh spam bucket blues. Somebody help a brother out.
Oh yeah viagra wouldn’t trip a wire.
Noooooo.
If Sobek is Viagara, doesn’t that make IB……
Nah, forget it. Never mind.
Now that I think about it, this place is a little more throbbing than usual.
Wiser, I did better than a hundred comments on my “Least Cited Judicial Opinions” and “Southern Mississippi Cities that Least Rhyme With the Word ‘Snort’” posts, too.
That would be last December.
That would be last December.
And yet, everyone calls this Michael’s blog.
Such an injustice….
Heck, we still got a 2,000-comment thread in the archives we can go back and read any time.
Fanx, Mr. inTexas.
Why is wiser always trying to pick a fight?
Abused at a tender age by a tranny nanny?
Why is wiser always trying to pick a fight?
What fight? I was congratulating Sobek on a fine, interesting and fun thread. I am impressed with his work here.
What’s wrong with complimenting a mna on a job well done?
He think I H8 him.
I do not.
I plan to kill him with mercy.
I plan to kill him with mercy.
You so good to me, DiT.
Paperback Writer.
Back when McCartney needed dental care.
Me so horny
DiT is good to everyone. He love you long time.
Be right there, honey
Sure was fun to trash Dave’s thread at AOSHQ last night.
Trash? That was sweet of y’all.
Especially you Michael. Thank you.
Dave is such a sweetheart. I can’t figure why you all enjoy being so mean to him.
And Dave, mock me if you will, but the video I just posted actually works. Paperback Writer does not.
Fuck you, Dave. Don’t you try that “killing with kindness” crap with me. I see right through your bullshit, all the time. Yes I do.
You will notice that I did not participate in the trashing of Dave’s thread.
I, personally, would never want to destroy or deface the creative efforts required to make a humorous, yet informative post, such as Dave is capable of providing.
Michael, why are you trying to start a fight with Dave?
He seems like a decent person.
Fuck you too, Wiserbud. You can’t talk to my friend Dave like that and get away with it.
Nor did I trash Dave’s thread. Even if I had known about the trashing I wouldn’t have participated. Probably.
Well, it is quite obvious that this is not the friendly, inviting blog that I was led to believe it was.
While you have not offended me, Michael, you have certainly disappointed me with this vitriolic outburst and your obnoxiously rude behavior.
Is Mrs. Brewfan still waiting?
Tell her I’ll be there in June.
Eh, the flash mob at DinT’s post was fun. Until Michael came in to kill the funneh.
Until Michael came in to kill the funneh.
eh. It’s what he does……
All this attention is very humbling.
Thank you.
No, No! No need to be humble, Dave.
You deserve this.
You guys are awesome.
*smoke jetting out of both ears*
Will you frickin’ pansies please go somewhere else?
Tell her I’ll be there in June.
email me with dates so we can get together for a beer or three.
No wonder the IB Wimmins like Dave better than Michael.
*Makes mental note to work on humility.
Ignore him, Dave.
He’s just jealous of your brilliantly funny observations on everyday life, which is only surpassed by your ability to express them in creatively hilarious ways.
email me with dates so we can get together for a beer or three.
will do, guaranteed.
And wiserbud’s plan to individually meet each and every Hostage, IBer and moron continues apace.
Dave’s one sexy bitch. When I visit Texas, Dave’s house is my first stop.
Well, except Michael.
For some reason, I’ve never had the desire to actually meet Michael.
Dave does bring some class to this joint, doesn’t he? Why, if it weren’t for him, this place would be severly lacking in culture and sophistication.
severly? Me no likey laptopses. My heavy hands are much better suited to a titanium, full sized keyboard.
I’m going to delete this site right now. Yes I am. Don’t you push me any more. I have my finger on the button.
*looks around*
Hey Wickedpinto, where is the button?
Dave does bring some class to this joint, doesn’t he?
Whenever I think “Dave in Texas,” the first word that comes to mind is “class.”
He just oozes class and weeps sophistication from every huge pore on his body, don’t he?
My heavy hands are much better suited to a titanium, full sized
keyboardcock.*FTFY.
*Not as funny as Dave could come up with, but not bad
I have my finger on the button.
Ummmmm, Michael?
that’s the wrong button…..
*Not as funny as Dave could come up with, but not bad
heh. I can only imagine what Dave would have done with that one.
I just bet it would have made me cry with laughter.
That damn button is around here somewhere.
*checking WordPress FAQs*
Well, good night to all of you brilliantly funny, deeply charming and incredibly interesting people.
And you too, Michael.
Hey PJM, you are always welcome here.
And I can cook burgers and dogs faster than your kids can eat them.
I think.
256 comments without a boost from The Pinto? That’s impressive. Now watch him come in and drag it past 1000.
oh yeah, and Geezer….with a feral cat.
Hey Russ, good to hear from you!
Now watch him come in and drag it past 1000.
Um, that’s not happening any more.
Whenever I think “Dave in Texas,” the first word that comes to mind is “class.”
The class is “special ed” but it’s still class.
It’s fun to imagine Glenn Reynolds reading this thread and thinking, “Jesus, I actually linked these retards!”
[chokes back a sob]
O.T. Question I asked at H2 and they ignored me, Go figure.
I finished 6 Sci-Fi books. I am forcing myself to read 2 of the following
The Forgotten Man, Amity Shlaes
Liberty and Tyranny, Mark Levin
Joker One, Donovan Campbell
The 5000 year leap, W. Skousen
Any thoughts?
O.T. Question I asked at H2 and they ignored me, Go figure.
I was going to say something snarky about your misguided expectations on the thread at H2, but then stayed my hand.
I haven’t read any of them, but they sound interesting. You should do book reviews – maybe at Mrs. Peel’s.
I haven’t read any of them Vmax, so, as with my non-response over “there”, sorry.
I did ask at Peel’s Geoff, I think she read Forgotten man.
I bought them all and they are sitting on my coffee table, so I will read them all but before I buy more fiction, I try to work in one or 2 of the classics or something that is edifying or scholastic.
I am tending to Joker one and liberty and tyranny, then I will order more fiction.
No Prob TGSG, There are a surprising number of book readers over at H2, If they were not in party mode I would get good advice.
vmax, I am reading Liberty and Tyranny. It is quite good. HTH.
Cathy is reading Liberty and Tyranny, and she thinks it is great. She’s going to make me read it.
I’m reading a biography of William Tecumseh Sherman.
It seems he had some emotional problems.
I’m working on a book about Stonewall Jackson, and how Lee’s failure to follow Jackson’s lead on strategic issues doomed the Confederacy to failure. Good read so far. Plus I’ve got the usual 3 or 4 other books/short story collections that I’m working my way through as well. Not to mention all the time spent poring over parts manuals for the 7200 flex-fold planter, the 724 cultivator and the 568 big round hay baler.
I’m reading a biography of William Tecumseh Sherman.
It seems he had some emotional problems.
Yeah, but I’m sure blazing a trail across the South helped.
I’m reading a book on Madison and Hamilton and their role in bringing us the document D.C. loves to ignore…The Constitution.
How do you peel a egg?
How to peel an egg.