State of the Blog

Esteemed blog administrators.  Fellow co-bloggers.  Loyal readers, mouth-breathing fools, women of loose morals and little common sense.  I am honored to address you today to fulfill the noble tradition of delivering this annual State of the Blog post.

The State of the Blog is nothing short of pathetic.  As you know, and as I’ve consistently said, when I first invited myself to post here I inherited a massive traffic deficit and a blog war with Bill Ardolino.  What was once a vast and proud army of female co-bloggers has dwindled to the X-chromosome’s answers to Quasimodo and Bigfoot.  What I’m getting at, here, is that the current dismal state of affairs is not my fault in any way, shape or form.

Some might say it’s strange that I would say I’m honored to address you, in light of what a moral and intellectual vacuum this place is.  To them I say, I am the change that we’ve been waiting for.  Also, I’m so wicked-butt-kicking awesome that everything honors me.  The fact that I’ve deigned to associate with you at all is not only a ray of light to you, but also an additional facet of my own amazingness.

But I wasn’t self-appointed to this position just to receive your accolades.  No, that’s only about ninety percent of the story.  I was also self-appointed to whip things into shape around here.  Some might say that it’s a lost cause, that you are simply too australopethican for remedy, and that my recent spate of restraining orders and those trumped up charges for transporting narcotics across state lines in the hollowed corpse of a runaway teen prostitute have drained me of the political capital necessary for such an ambitious agenda.  But I don’t intend to stop fighting.  Did the Visigoths give up when the Bushmen sacked Buenos Aires?  Okay, I’m still looking up the answer to that, but the point is that I’m not going to give up.

So I’m here to announce bold new plans for the new year.  First, I’m going to demand that Dave in Texas and BrewFan submit me a plan to increase traffic and ad revenues by the end of March.  I’m not going to give them any indication of how I want that done.  I just want them to do the work so I can get the credit.

Second, I’m going to call for an end to the divisive bitterness that too often plagues us.  Sure, we all know that Michael abuses his admin privileges by correcting spelling errors in his comments, but how many of you knew that he also deliberately edits errors into Pupster’s comments?  Now that I’ve ratted Michael out, I don’t want any more divisiveness.  I’m serious.

Third, I’m going to ban all of the Hostages.  Or to be more specific, I’m going to tell Retired Geezer to ban them all.  If this move results in a backlash of any sort, then I’ll blame it on him.  Otherwise I get the credit, because that’s the way I roll.

Fourth, I’m going to force Tushar and Sandy Burger to convert to Mormonism.  That’s right, I respect our country and our Constitution far too much to let them go on believing whatever non-Mormon things they believe right now.  Frankly, I don’t know why we let that dark-skinned fellow in here in the first place, with his Qu’ran and his prayer rugs and whatnot.  I’m putting Skinbad and Muslihoon in charge of this important task.  I also pledge to spend $400 trillion dollars of other peoples’ money on solid gold copies of the Book of Mormon for this purpose.  Some might say that is both unnecessary and patently insane.  But as I’ve consistently said, don’t hate the player; hate the game.

Finally, as noted above, this place is turning into a total sausage-fest.  KevlarChick is now in charge of bringing some more hot babes.  If she does a good job, I will spend another $500 trillion on a stimulus package consisting of whipped cream, scented lotions, and substantial kickbacks to KevlarChick.

In summary, Geoff hates America and the Constitution, and he’ll answer to Congress for producing charts that demoralize the population so much that the American people don’t want to pay a seventy-percent income tax.  And Russ from Winterset’s failure to develop downloadable bacon is his own fault, not mine.  Go Saints.