Public Service Announcement April 13, 2010
Posted by skinbad in Commenting Tips, Technology.trackback
Tip of the Day from the Moronosphere: 
If you should ever feel the need to call your internet provider and rip them for the glacially slow and intermittent download speeds you’ve been putting up with for the past week, you might want to eliminate the possibility that the whole problem really could be the scroll wheel on your mouse going out on you.
Word to the wise (and to your mother).
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You’ve just entered the realm of tech support legend.
HAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Say, you guys wouldn’t know how to fix the coffee cup holder on my computer, would you? You know the little drawer thingy that slides out to hold my coffee cup?
I spilled a teensy bit of coffee on it and now it won’t come out very fast.
Poor design if you ask me.
“I need a bigger mouse pad because when I get the mouse to the far right edge of the pad, the cursor is still in the middle of the screen. Get me a bigger mouse pad NOW!”
–Actual tech support call received by Mr. Lipstick
I remember freaking out when I couldn’t do anything with my computer because the screen just froze and was unresponsive.
I killed it with the power button and brought it back up, but the screen was still frozen. I could not do anything.
Eventually I figured out that the mouse needed new batteries.
I’m not going to tell you how long it took me to figure that out.
True story.
Life is just too complicated now!
Back in the day, when something broke, you knew it was BROKEN.
*chews on a piece of straw and rocks in rocking chair
Yep. Those were the days.
*eats some dirt*
yup.
If you have two different computers on your desk, each having two screens, you better know which of your mouses (mice? meese?) works with which set of screens. When tech support guys come to your desk and fix your problem, they give you a look usually reserved for dung on your shoes.
I had no idea that the mouse wheel could effect the download speed of your machine.
That idea that such a thing could happen would never have even occurred to me.
Shit like that scares me because I don’t see the logical connection between the two.
It doesn’t affect the download speed. A page would pop up and I would scroll and scroll and finally it would move. I would scroll more and after a delay of a couple of seconds, it would move. It felt like a phone call that had a bad connection. I finally realized that if I grabbed the little scroll box on the right and dragged it or used the up and down arrows, the whole page was loaded just fine.
What is this little scroll box of which you speak?
Moron-Chimp’s typewriter looks like my mom’s when I was a kid.
Pressing down on keys TOOK FINGER MUSCLE… and EFFORT to PUSH each key DOWN about 2 1/2 inches.
I never have been able to find the “any” key.
Not one of you would recognize a mimeograph machine or carbon paper.
I used to make the the church bulletins on a mimeograph machine.
OK, I turned the handle until my arm got tired.
And carbon paper is the type of paper that you are not supposed to crumple up into a ball and then wipe your hands on the living room furniture. Lesson learned.
I used to use carbon paper back in the day. Ran off copies and had to collate and staple by hand too. That’s slave labor, is what it is.
Not one of you would recognize a mimeograph machine or carbon paper.
Been there. Don’t miss that.
Me too.
And White Out and correction tape.
I remember when all we had were stone tablets and chisels…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!!
Not one of you would recognize a mimeograph machine or carbon paper.
Used carbon paper in high school typing class… and on the job.
Can still smell mimeograph. Like Pupster, used the machine at church.
You had stone tablets and chisels?? Pure luxury! All we had were sticks and dried turds, and we were grateful to have those.
Sticks and dried turds? Fie on your coddled upbringing! When I was a lad, we took notes in class using our teeth and the flesh on an arm.
And we were the lucky ones who got to go to school.
>> Not one of you would recognize a mimeograph machine or carbon paper.
Au contraire, old frer. I also remember gettin high by the blueline machine in drafting class.
Huffin that shit was like, I dunno, screwing a pissed off cougar.
…
did I say that out loud?
I’m with Dave. Ooo ooo! That smell…
… ‘cept for the screwing the cougar part.
>>When I was a lad, we took notes in class using our teeth and the flesh on an arm.
You had teeth? And flesh? All I could do was rattle my bones, and draw shapes in dust.
OH, ho ho, check out Junior Rockefeller, living in splendor with his luxurious dust lying all about him!
We’d have killed for a few motes of dust to help us, back in the day.
I had a half a cup of dust for breakfast this morning.
Very low carb.
The things we do for Science.
Is half a cup of dust motes Atkins approved?
Dust in high in fiber.
Polyester, mostly.
Polyester?
http://tinyurl.com/kq759e
I know there’s a lot of human skin cells in household dust, so yeah, Atkins approved.
Be careful what you eat: http://tinyurl.com/e25s7
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
I know there’s a lot of human skin cells in household dust
And it’s positively delicious!
Each of you humans provides food for about a million of us. You’re too kind, really.
We repay the favor by always keeping you company. No matter what you do, you’re never alone. You have hundreds of thousands of friends, all the time.