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Another dog assasination scenario April 28, 2006

Posted by kevlarchick in Personal Experiences.

I'm driving down my street and there's my dog Lucky sitting in the front yard, waiting for me.  Sounds lovely, right?  Good dog, right?  Wrong. 

She's not supposed to be in the front yard–somehow she got out. Does she come when I call?  No.  She takes off and I chase her in the car, calling sweetly "wanna go bye-bye?" 

Eventually, she jumps in my car door.  She's soaking wet and has obviously rolled in something dead.  Now I have eau de wet dog and dead animal in my car and all over me.  We get home, I throw my desecrated clothes in the laundry room and head upstairs to my room.  Lo and behold, there is her majesty, that inbred bitch, on my bed, on my PILLOW.  Befouling my pillow!

I don't own a gun.  I have several baseball bats, sharp knives, a nail gun, and some strong rope, however. 

All I've done so far is gone out and bought some cold beer. 

I want Dave's beagle. Or Civetta's horse. Or Pony. Somebody make me an offer I can't refuse.


1. Dave in Texas - April 28, 2006

I will trade you sight unseen, right the hell now, for this stupid beagle.

You don’t even have to give Lucky a bath before you send her.

2. Spurwing Imposter - April 28, 2006

put MOSES ina BASEKT and send his BEAGLEBUTT up the RIVER!

3. geoff - April 28, 2006

Took care of my sister-in-law’s beagle for a month a couple of years ago. It was the most destructive, stubborn, devilishly smart, and freakishly agile creature I’ve ever met. In that very long month it scratched all our tabletops, tore up our trampoline, ate myriad items off our counters and tables (including a souvenir starfish!), and chewed up the kids’ toys.

Beagles have the personality of a cat on meth.

4. Mrs. Peel - April 28, 2006

Calling sweetly was your mistake, KC. You gotta be firm.

5. steve_in_hb - April 28, 2006

I can trade you Jake, an old dog that needs six pills a day. He’s mean, especially towards drunk, friendly women. This is a bone of contention between us. The little kids in my development call him “the bad dog”. He also insists on sleeping under the covers.

On the other hand he’s a gamer. Always good to go. 2 years ago, I ran 2 miles with him, and he was less energetic than normal. I thought he was sick or something. The next day, he couldn’t stand up. I took him to the vet and found out that he had somehow broken his pelvis. He had jogged on a freshly broken bone without limping or whimpering. And yes I felt like crap for putting him through that.

6. kevlarchick - April 28, 2006

Peely, she won’t come no matter how I call her. Mother Bitch tones do not work either.

geoff–I’m thinking since you’ve been thru the baptism with the beagle, Lucky will be a mellow addition to your household.

Steve! Jake sounds like a sweetie. Does he hog the covers?

I’m drinking those cold beers now. Mmmm. Cold. Beer.

7. steve_in_hb - April 28, 2006

Not a hog, just obsessed with being there. He used to make one of my girlfriends very uncomfortable because he would jump in the bed as soon as we were finished having sex. She figured that meant he was watching. I told her that she should use that as motivation to do a good job – don’t want to put on a bad show.

Thankfully, he doesn’t roll in bad smelling stuff. The Lab I had in NJ was obsessed. Take her in the woods and she would find rotted remains of a deer, dead squirrel, etc. The worst was frozen deer crap – she would roll in it and eat it.

One time I was hiking with her and the wife. Heard the wife scream. I turned around and the Lab has a deer skull in her jaws. It still had scraps of fur and flesh on it, and she is just standing there panting with a look of sheer joy on her face.

8. Dave in Texas - April 28, 2006

Dogs teach us a lot about unconditional love.

9. BrewFan - April 28, 2006

Speaking of cold beer, I just bought a sixer of Leinenkugel’s Sunset Wheat. Fantastic!

10. steve_in_hb - April 28, 2006

Wow Dave, does somebody need a hug?

11. Dave in Texas - April 28, 2006

Hey, you know the best thing about a dog? They never have a bad day. They’re always happy to see you.

12. steve_in_hb - April 28, 2006

They don’t care what you look like, they just love you.

13. kevlarchick - April 28, 2006

Isn’t that why we blog? So no one has to see us rolling in dead things? And I’m always happy to see y’all.

14. Enas Yorl - April 28, 2006

Hey, we’re always happy to see you too Kevlarchick! We would be even happier if you got around to posting the final choices for the theme song here!

15. digitalbrownshirt - April 28, 2006

I think I’ll go hug my dog now.

“C’mere ya lil’ retard”.

He’s always happy to see me, but it’s probably because he gets a hand out everytime I come home from work. He’s like a panhandler that hangs around my porch.

16. blogidaho - April 28, 2006

DBS, does he have a sign, “Will bark for food”?

17. lauraw - April 28, 2006

I’ve offered to put my dog down several times for my husband, but he always declines.
My dog is what liberals think George Bush is: A retarded evil genius.

And he sleepwalks sometimes if he takes a hard nap in the daytime. When he sleepwalks he slowly approaches, growling deeply and ferociously and baring his teeth and snapping his jaws. Anybody who saw this would think they were a goner.

Then when I say, “Idiot, what are you doing?” he stops, looks extremely confused, licks his lips and pins his ears back and rushes up for forgiveness.

He’s so weird.

18. Dave in Texas - April 29, 2006

We had to put Missy down last October.

I hated that.


19. Muslihoon - April 29, 2006

This is so foreign to me. South Asians of Muslim descent almost never have dogs. Cats maybe. Birds and fish are okay. But Islam says dogs are impure, so we don’t keep dogs. To this day I don’t know how to deal with or relate with dogs. Looks like it can be fun.

20. kevlarchick - April 29, 2006

Muslihoon, I wouldn’t say it’s “fun”, but they are for the most part interesting companions. Pretty smart too, and very affectionate, which I love. And most breeds are a good form of protection for the family. The barking alone will send most troublemakers away. My dogs have always been extremely protective of my kids and me. I like a big ol’ dog with a mean bark.

21. lauraw - April 29, 2006

My dog comes to work with me every day. He’s my best buddy.

One day soon after I got him (he was two when I adopted him), a big dude was in my store asking me about prices, service issues, etc. Then he asked “Do you work here all alone?”

I said, “No, I have help that comes in from time to time.” Which was a lie, but I didn’t like the question.

Funny thing, though, the whole time the guy was talking to me, my buddy was sitting by my knee and staring a hole through this fellows head.
The guy said to me, “I don’t like how your dog is looking at me.”
I put my hand down to my dog’s shoulder, pointed at the guy, and said, “Tastes just like chicken, boy.” He never took his eyes off the guy while I was doing this.
Australian Cattle Dogs have incredible focus. This is the least scatterbrained dog I have ever met in my life, even by cattledog standards.

The guy got pissed and left, and when he was gone I gave my buddy a treat and a hug.
Drawbacks to this dog; I’d never trust him around children like I would a Shepherd or a Lab. He bites.

22. Dave in Texas - April 29, 2006

I have vague kid memories of our first dog, a Boxer named Saber. Dad told me when they brought me home from the hospital, he barked and yelled and banged on the door to come in. My mom was terrified. Dad put the choke chain on him, and it was all he could do to keep the dog from dragging him to my cradle.

When Saber got close, he took a few sniffs, then went to the corner and went to sleep. Dad said for the next 3 years he just kinda took care of me, never jumped up, herded me away from the gate in the yard, and barked like a monster when someone came by he didn’t like.

23. blogidaho - April 29, 2006

Lauraw and I probably agree that her dog is my dog’s Evil Twin.
Yeah, we’ve swapped photos, what of it?
They are both Australian Blue Heelers. Remember the dog with the red bandanna in Road Warrior?
“Incredibly Focused” are the two words best used to describe them.
Not too friendly… doesn’t want to be petted when she is staring at the ball at your feet.
“Hey I got a JOB to do, quit dicking around and throw that thing”.

24. lauraw - April 29, 2006

I came from a ‘cat’ family, we never had our own dog and I had been attacked on two occasions, once when I was 5 and another time when I was 9, by other people’s dogs.

I feared most dogs until I was in my 20’s. I got to know a couple of really cool ones and found that dog ‘language’ was natural and organic to the human mind once I gave it a chance. And also that if most dogs have a bias, it is in favor of women ;>)

Now I can’t imagine daily life without my buddies.

25. michael - April 29, 2006

Are you sh*itting me? Dog-photo-swapping is happening on the side? Along with the recipes and gardening discussions, this site has become a total disgrace to the AOSHQ Lifestyle™. I’m going to be afraid to show up for a flame war over there.

26. michael - April 29, 2006

Not to say that I’m not a dog person too. It’s nice to have a little buddy like Casey. She’s keeping me company while Mrs. Michael is away. I mean, her and the Vietnamese hookers.

27. lauraw - April 29, 2006

Yeah, because you’e so hardcore Michael, with the Batman tights and queer verbiage.
Dog photos would absolutely savage your carefully cultivated badboy image.

28. Batman - April 29, 2006

Michael is a crimefighter, Laura. You just can’t expect him to be like everyone else.

29. lauraw - April 29, 2006

OT- has Batman discovered ebay Platinum Reserve yet?

I never want to see any cartoon other than Achewood.

I think the head of Keith Moon would be a very nice Mother’s Day gift, especially if her interior decor could use a little touch of pale green.

30. Gabriel Malor - April 29, 2006

lauraw, I have often described naps/sleeping in terms of hardness. For example, sometimes you just feel like you’ve slept harder. I’ve never been able to explain exactly what I mean.

You wrote, “…takes a hard nap…”

And I LOVE you for it.

31. steve_in_hb - April 29, 2006


Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards suffered a mild concussion while vacationing in Fiji and was flown to a New Zealand hospital for treatment, a band spokeswoman said Saturday.

Media reports said Richards fell out of a palm tree and remained hospitalized in Auckland.


Does anybody else find the image of Keith Richards climbing a palm tree strange?

32. michael - April 29, 2006

The image of Keith Richards is strange – period.

33. Keith Richards - April 29, 2006

Av you ever snorted a fifth of Chivas up a guitar neck before?!

Didn’t think so!

34. lauraw - April 29, 2006

Hey Gabriel, how ya doing. I hate hard naps, myself. Always wake up feeling not right.

I can tell when my older dog has slept real hard on the couch. When she picks up her head one little jowl is hanging normally and the other little jowl is pasted flat to her teeth.

That always cracks me up.

35. Russ from Winterset - April 30, 2006

Laura & Geezer – fellow Blue Heeler owner here. My dog “Spunky” (named after a cartoon dog on Nickelodeon in the mid 90’s – never decide to name your new puppy after a massive tequila bender) is nine years old and starting to lose her sight, but she’s still uberprotective of her favorite people. The heelers are a challenge to train, but they pay you back in pure loyalty.

36. Rightwingsparkle - April 30, 2006

OMG! Your talking about dogs! somebody shoulda have alerted me!

I have a black lab mix (Shaq) and a Australian Shepard mix (Jewel) and they are the sweetest dogs EVER!!!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE them!

Lauraw, your sleepwalking story made me laugh. Dogs are so goofy stupid wonderful.

But don’t give me any sob stories about dog messes. You haven’t lived until a 2 yr old has taken his little sisters BIG poopy diaper and thrown it around a playroom full of toys. Splatter everywhere. It took 2 bottles of bleach spray, about 20 rags and most of my sanity to clean it up.

It was days like those that I wished pot to be legal.

37. BrewFan - April 30, 2006

Funny story ‘Sparkle! My big brother, when he was a little big brother, used the contents of his diaper for some fingerpainting on the wall next to his crib! Kids or dogs? I’ll take the dogs!

38. steve_in_hb - May 1, 2006

“It was days like those that I wished pot to be legal.”

Watch it RWS, Bart is going to start lumping you in with me and the rest of the Libertarians 😉

39. kevlarchick - May 1, 2006

Russ–that’s from “Rocko’s Modern Life”, no? Remember in the starting song you saw Spunky eating his own puke?
I had a beloved blue heeler named Spotty. Loyal, gentle, and very protective. Loved her so much.

40. Russ from Winterset - May 1, 2006

Good spot, KC. Yes, it was from that show, and I used to get all sorts of recognition from neighborhood kids when I called her by name. “Hey, that’s just like Rocko’s dog!” Now I just get laughs from people in their mid 20’s and some college students.

She’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer (I’m always having to save her from cows out at the family farm after she decides to herd their babies), but she is gentle. She did nip at one of my nephews a few years ago, but it was a markless bite and I think she was trying to herd him back into the supervised portion of the yard. She used to nip at my wife’s heels during walks when we were first married in 2000, and I probably laughed at that too much.

41. tina - October 8, 2007


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