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Wishing for plumber’s butt May 18, 2006

Posted by kevlarchick in Personal Experiences.

I have asked a few manly men this question: what's the big deal about calling a plumber? Most responded "I can do most plumbing myself." 

'Zat so?   

After 3 days of doing dishes in my laundry room sink, the Man of the House finally calls a plumber who, with a 35-foot snake (now there's an image), sends about 20 years worth of funk out from under our slab and on down the sewage line.  Lovely.  Smelled really pretty too.

Ever notice how plumbers relish describing the contents and appearance of the "funk?"

Anyway, problem solved in 30 minutes for a hundred bucks or so.  And no plumber's butt!  Priceless. 

Along the same lines, I have a new friend.  There is an ant living in my bathroom sink; he's been there about three days.  Just one, lonely little guy moseying up and down the porcelain.  I don't have the heart to drown him. I haven't been washing off my makeup or brushing my teeth or anything, and I won't until the little fella moves on.  Saves wear and tear on my funk-free plumbing, too.


1. michael - May 18, 2006

Why not be a hero? Take the little guy outside and set him free!!! Then you can wash all that gunk off your face.

2. Battalion16 - May 18, 2006

Tell me if I have this correct, please. You won’t brush you teeth or any other hygenic act that requires HOH from your bathroom sink because there is a single ant inside? Are you turning hippie on us? Is this a Midwest chick thing? Help this simple firefighter understand that workings of the female mind.

3. Dave in Texas - May 18, 2006

Help this simple firefighter understand that workings of the female mind.

There’s a reason you think that doesn’t make sense. Her explanation is not going to help.

4. michael - May 18, 2006

understand that workings of the female mind

Dude, that’s just not going to happen. Get over it.

5. kevlarchick - May 18, 2006

Fellas! Simple ones! This ant and I–we have a connection. We observe each other daily in a peaceful and contemplative way. There is no drama in our relationship; no stinging, no menacing buzzing. Why would I want to spoil that? Set him free? He IS free! And he has chosen to hang with me.

In the meantime, I’m waiting for a big rainstorm, then I’ll run outside and turn my face towards the heavens. Hygiene, shaving, etc. is overrated. Praise Gaia!!

6. kevlarchick - May 18, 2006

“HOH”–must be firefighter’s lingo. I had to reckon back to chemistry class for a second there.

7. BrewFan - May 18, 2006

“then I’ll run outside and turn my face towards the heavens”

Don’t forget to hug your trees.

8. Mrs. Peel - May 18, 2006

You’re not using a MoonCup, are you, kev?

9. Mrs. Peel - May 18, 2006

dude, I hadn’t read the testimonials before. Here’s my favorite: “However, as I am 49 and approaching the change with heavy periods, a not too wonderful pelvic floor and a vagina that hates foreign bodies in it…” (Emphasis added.)

Later in the testimonial, she mentions her husband.

10. steve_in_hb - May 18, 2006

Since Ace and this blog are infested with discussions of women’s issues and Mrs. Peel broek the seal. A buddy of mine used to work at a company that bought and ran OB/GYN practices. Basically, they made money by consolidating inefficient small practices and running them more effectively.

In his first week at the job he suggested to a group of coworkers that the company change its name to something that communicated their dedication to their customers. He suggested “At Your Cervix”. It was not well received.

11. BrewFan - May 18, 2006

lol, steve.

12. Mrs. Peel - May 18, 2006

“I think it is great. For all the reasons mentioned in this site, but also because of the different relationship it allows with your menstrual blood. It is no longer ugly, stinky and associated with trash because of it’s [sic] destination. It’s precious and beautiful, bright red and glittering …and then you decide to discard it. And every time I do, I think that I should instead find a way to turn it into a work of art, some kind of ode to femininity…”


13. michael - May 18, 2006

I’m thinking we’re overdue for another policy statement.

14. Gabriel Malor - May 18, 2006

Please, michael. DON’T HESITATE!

15. kevlarchick - May 18, 2006

Redirect! I do NOT use the moon cup. And I don’t discuss my “lunar cycle” with anyone.

Good news! Major torrential downpour in progress outside and very few trees since I’m in the ‘hood. I shall be cleansed, even though I’m at work.

How can one lonely little sugar ant living in my sink bring out the Earth Mother in all of us? Holy harmonic convergence, Batman!

16. Mrs. Peel - May 18, 2006

O/T: I just got a notice in the mail from Jeep, addressing me by name as a “valued Jeep owner.”

It’s a conspiracy, I tell you.

17. michael - May 18, 2006

Well then, sell the damn thing!

18. Anonymous - May 18, 2006

I initially misread the headline as “wishing for a plumper butt”.

19. sandy burger - May 18, 2006

That was me, not Bart; I forgot to sign in.

20. Bart - May 19, 2006

It was definitely something I would have said.

Mmmm. Plump butts.

21. Mrs. Peel - May 19, 2006

I guess we know why Bart’s so mean to me.

I’m just not up to snuff.

22. Bart - May 19, 2006

I’m not mean to you.

I treat you like a little sister…

that I never wanted.

23. skinbad - May 19, 2006

“a vagina that hates foreign bodies in it…”

Another reason to build that wall on the border.

24. Mrs. Peel - May 19, 2006

Michael, Bart’s pulling my pigtails again!

25. BrewFan - May 19, 2006

“Michael, Bart’s pulling my pigtails again!”

More euphemisms? Is pigtail pulling required before burying the duck?

26. kevlarchick - May 19, 2006

UPDATE: My little buddy is gone. And I’m clean now. It was beautiful while it lasted, like a pigtail pulling session.

27. Mrs. Peel - May 19, 2006

Brew, a mature fellow like you should know that there are many rites to be observed before one’s waterfowl can be properly interred.

28. blogidaho - May 19, 2006

I came late to this party and felt I should add something funny to the thread.
Then I realized I couldn’t top anything that has already been written.

That statement about the ‘…not too wonderful Pelvic Floor’ kinda intrigues me though.
What could that mean?
I’m curious but I really don’t want to know.

29. kevlarchick - May 19, 2006

Geezer, I’m fixin to tell you about the pelvic floor, since this thread is centered around “womyn’s issues.” After you spawn a child or two, the muscles down there that hold everthing up and in become stretched beyond their original elasticity. Let’s just say what a guy likes best down there slowly loosens.

Warping and sagging are good words to describe this. Sometimes the floor just falls through, which invokes the “not too wonderful.”

Do your kegels, ladies! Geezer, please don’t ask me what those are. Ask Mrs Geezer.

30. blogidaho - May 19, 2006

Heck even *I* know what kegels are… Crunchy Bagels.

31. Mrs. Peel - May 19, 2006

But whom do I get to ask if I don’t know what you’re talking about?

Oh well, I don’t like children anyway, so I guess I won’t worry about it for now.

32. kevlarchick - May 19, 2006

I’ll tell you Mrs Peel, but this might not be the best place for that. Even if you never have kids, kegels come in handy for other activities.

33. BrewFan - May 19, 2006

“Brew, a mature fellow like you …”

Thanks for not saying ‘old fart’ 🙂

34. michael - May 19, 2006

You do a kegel when you cough, and especially when you sneeze. So, don't cough or sneeze and replicate everthing else that happened below the belt line.  

 Here's the Wikipedia article.

35. Mrs. Peel - May 19, 2006

*looks it up on wikipedia*

Ah, I see. Isn’t that the same muscle that contracts when…You know what? Let’s just abandon this line of conversation.

36. michael - May 19, 2006

Yes, it’s the “you know what” muscle. It’s also the muscle used by both men and women to stop urinating. Truly a versatile little chunk of tissue.

37. blogidaho - May 19, 2006

I’m amazed that this thread didn’t get hijacked from it’s original premise about Plumbing.

38. Lipstick - May 19, 2006

I am so not having children.

39. daveintexas - May 19, 2006

Picture if you will, pulling a pot roast through your nostril.

It’s kinda like that.

40. Lipstick - May 19, 2006


Luckily, I have never had the slightest urge to have children.

41. Bart - May 19, 2006

kegels come in handy for other activities.

Yeah, like when you need to smuggle drugs and a bomb into a prison for your baby’s daddy.

42. kevlarchick - May 19, 2006

Ladies! Don’t have kids either.

43. Dave in Texas - May 19, 2006

Carol Burnett said labor pains are something like taking your lower lip and pulling it all the way over your head.

44. Bart - May 19, 2006

By the way, the expression is “plumber’s crack.”

45. Lipstick - May 19, 2006

KC, You have kids, right? A warning from one who knows?

46. kevlarchick - May 19, 2006

Yeah, I have spawned twice. My boy is 15 and my girl 12. Don’t do it Lipstick unless you have a STRONG, PRIMAL urge. It’s a huge deal. Childbirth is the easy part. My kids are interesting creatures, now they’re actually fun, but that has little to do with me.

I had my kids early–maybe I was too immature. By the same token, I have matured little in 15 years, except for the whole pelvic floor thing.

47. Lipstick - May 19, 2006

Wow, KC, I’ve thought the same thing! e.g., Unless you have such a strong desire for kids that you would willingly and gladly make all the sacrifices necessary, don’t do it.

Thanks for the honesty and wisdom from one who knows.

(My years of fertility are dwindling anyway, and I’ve always felt like this.)

48. Dave in Texas - May 19, 2006

My last year of fertility was 1991.

Barring surgery, that’s it. And frankly I’m not interested in a scalpel gettin near the twins anyway.

49. Bart - May 19, 2006

I don’t have any kids. If and when I decide to have kids, I will definitely adopt. I think there are plenty of unwanted children out there who need a family, so no need to make a new kid.

I’d hate to get a lemon, though.

50. Mrs. Peel - May 19, 2006

Are you married, Bart?

51. Bart - May 19, 2006

Unblelievable! I just wrote a semi-detailed comment about my love-life and it ot deleted. Oh, well.

The short answer, Pee, is no, I’m not married.

52. Mrs. Peel - May 20, 2006

I’m going to assume that was an unfortunate typo.

53. Bart - May 20, 2006

Oops, did I forget the L?

Sorry, Pi.

54. michael - May 20, 2006


I didn’t delete anything, and no comment by you is in the spam filter.

55. Lipstick - May 20, 2006

So come on Brat, Re-write it!

Oops, did make a typo? 🙂

56. Bart - May 20, 2006

It was nothing interesting, Flipper.

It was about how I’d be one of those guys who becomes set in his ways and comfortable living a life of singlehood. But someday I’ll reluctantly fall in love with a feisty young woman who manages to breakthorough all the bariers to my heart.

Then, my life-story could be made into a movie starring Hugh Grant and on of the Olsen twins (doesn’t matter which).

57. Mrs. Peel - May 20, 2006

But someday I’ll reluctantly fall in love with a feisty young woman who manages to breakthorough all the bariers to my heart.

Well, shit.

58. kevlarchick - May 20, 2006

Bart, Peely wants to know more, and she’s a feisty young thing…and Lipstick and I will be looking on with interest.

Wouldn’t it be the sweetest thing if….

59. michael - May 20, 2006

Wow. This discussion has suddenly brought out my romantic side.

Think about it, Bart. She's hairless, has the ample derriere you favor (sufficient at least to compel her to give up her beloved Dr. Pepper), and actually is older than her jailbait appearance would suggest.

What more could you ask for, huh?

Oh, I forgot. She's smart, funny, has decent values and is gainfully employed, so right there you have some extra features to go with the important stuff.

60. Mrs. Peel - May 20, 2006

And I’m not getting married today! *happy dance*

I would never have made it down the aisle. Halfway at most before I turned tail and hauled ass.

61. kevlarchick - May 20, 2006

Not today, Peely. But you never know….

Bart, she’s a catch.

62. Dave in Texas - May 20, 2006

I am reluctant to comment on this thread.

It won’t stop me though.

63. Bart - May 20, 2006

Nothing against amputees, but she has only one leg.
We won’t be able to take long walks on the beach. I’ll be walking; P will be hopping. It won’t look right.

Mrs P, today was your planned wedding day? That must give you mixed feelings, no?

64. Mrs. Peel - May 20, 2006

I hate beaches. Too dang many jellyfish. Besides, I’m not sure Bart would fit in very well in Texas.

Nope, no mixed feelings at all. I’ve never had even half a moment’s regret about ending the relationship. In fact, I wish I had ended it in December ’01 instead of December ’05.

65. michael - May 20, 2006

Mrs. Peel is right about this — Gulf Coast beaches suck, IMHO. They actually sell Adolph’s Meat Tenderizer all along the Texas Gulf Coast because it’s supposed to alleviate the pain from getting stung by the jellyfish.

Plus, a seagull crap-bombed my head the first time I went to Corpus Christi, so my initial impression was not good.

66. kevlarchick - May 20, 2006

Peely, I can testify about effing jellyfish. Worst pain EVER. Big fat hypodermic needles filled with cortisone work much better than meat tenderizer.

67. Bart - May 20, 2006

I wouldn’t fit in very well in Texas? (Okay, I’ll ignore the not-so-subtle hint that I would be relocating.)

Cowboy boots, cowboy hat, and a big belt buckle and I’ll fit in quite nicely, thank you.

68. kevlarchick - May 20, 2006

Peely, are you READING this?? Somebody needs to teach Bart how to two-step, pronto.

69. Mrs. Peel - May 20, 2006

Bart, I would freeze to death anywhere north of the Mason-Dixon Line. I can barely even handle College Station winter.

Ok, maybe you’ve got the clothes down, but what about the accent?

70. Bart - May 20, 2006

After a few years in Texas, I’d sound just like George H. W. Bush.

71. michael - May 20, 2006

For starters, Bart, you have to learn how to ma'am women. It's weird down there. Elderly men will address any female older than 13 as ma'am. Mrs. Peel appears to be at least 14, so the appropriate answer was:

Yes ma'am, after a few years in Texas, I’d sound just like George H. W. Bush.

72. michael - May 20, 2006

BTW, for all my fellow native-born Yankees, ma’am works pretty well up here too. After years in Texas, upon my return I noticed that it is exponentially easier to strike up a conversation with a woman in a bar if you lead off by ma’aming her. At least, in my experience it works way better than calling her Sweet Cheeks or something.

73. geoff - May 20, 2006

Yes ma’am, after a few years in Texas, I’d sound just like George H. W. Bush.

…or “Yes ma’am, I shore would like a look at that there Jeep Cherokee.”

74. Bart - May 20, 2006

How about “Yes’m”?

75. Mrs. Peel - May 21, 2006

I was going to say that I wouldn’t respond well to someone calling me “ma’am,” but then it occurred to me that if I were out dancing or something and a tall, strapping fellow moseyed up to me, cowboy hat in hand (said hand preferably also sporting an Aggie ring), and said in a thick Texas accent, “Howdy, ma’am. Would you care to dance?” I would melt.

But on the other hand, if the pimply teenager bagging my groceries called me “ma’am,” I would be affronted. So I guess it depends on the situation.

76. michael - May 21, 2006

How about “Yes’m”?

That's black, not Texan. There's a difference.

if the pimply teenager bagging my groceries called me “ma’am,” I would be affronted.

You would be affronted without good cause; the ma'aming by the bag boy is not effrontery in Texas. (Love the subtle differences between those words.)

In any event, this is not likely to happen. Ma'aming is a subtle art in Texas that depends upon accurate assessment of age differences. You can ma'am up (young male to much older female), you can ma'am down (old male to much younger female), or you can ma'am sideways (male to female of about the same age). All of these are considered as gallantry.  You don't ma'am diagonally (male to female with about a ten-year age difference, either up or down) because this can be offensive.   If a Texas male of any age is unsure of the age difference between himself and the female, he is not likely to ma'am.   In the case of Mrs. Peel, who appears to be 14, mistakes by pimply bag boys are possible, and should be taken with good humor.

77. blogidaho - May 21, 2006

You can ma’am up (young male to much older female), you can ma’am down (old male to much younger female), or you can ma’am sideways (male to female of about the same age). All of these are considered as gallantry.
You don’t ma’am diagonally (male to female with about a ten-year age difference, either up or down) because this can be offensive.

Sounds a lot like Transactional Analyisis from Eric Berne’s book – Games People Play.
Pretty neat book, probably out of print by now.
Some games I remember:
1. “Why don’t you?” “Yes but”.
2. “See What You Made Me Do”.
3. Wooden Leg.
4. General Motors.

78. Mrs. Peel - May 21, 2006

My contention is that it should be clearly evident from various clues such as my maturity, very nice car, and Aggie ring that I am at least 21. (Aggie ring requires 95 hours.) People who aren’t observant enough to notice these deserve filthy looks. Particularly if they’re pimply bag boys who are also eying me.

79. michael - May 21, 2006

I remember that book, Geezer. It was all the rage about 30 years ago. TA was sort of like Freud Lite, if I recall correctly, with Parent/Adult/Child instead of Superego/Ego/Id.

80. Bart - May 21, 2006

Come to Massachusetts and asking how many people know what an Aggie is.

81. Mrs. Peel - May 21, 2006

I’ve been to Boston, actually…

…for an Aggie wedding.

No fooling.

82. elzbth - May 21, 2006

I just had new toilets installed Friday. Which reminds me, is the term plumber’s “butt”, or is there another word used there?

83. daveintexas - May 21, 2006

We’re so conversational.

I’ve lived in Texas since I was 10. We moved here from my native state, Alabama.

Took me about 15 years to change “yew all” into “y’all”.

Now, you’d never know I had a problem.

84. kevlarchick - May 21, 2006

Bart calls it plumber’s crack.

Peely, I wouldn’t know an aggie ring if it bit me on my spectacular ass. And I lived in College Station and elsewhere in Texas for several years, ma’am.

85. blogidaho - May 21, 2006

I expected Michael to know about that book. Yep, you got the Parent/Adult/Child thing correct.

It was mind-opening for me.
I still see people playing those games.

86. Dave in Texas - May 21, 2006

Aggie rings are distinctive in that they do not have “options”, i.e. every Aggie ring pretty much looks the same. The school shield is on the top, no stone or anything.

I have an East Texas State ring that has the state “Lone Star” symbol on it, gold like the rest of the ring. Ags often mistake it when they briefly glance for an A&M ring.

Aggies like bright shiny things anyway…

Since ETSU is now Texas A&M Commerce (the name of the little town in east texas where the school is) I suppose I am technically an Aggie or sub-aggie, whatever they call them.

87. Mrs. Peel - May 21, 2006

Actually, you can get a diamond in the shield, but that’s not supposed to happen till you get your first million. I personally think it looks ugly that way, but then I hate diamonds. I also hate gold-toned jewelry, so it’s fortunate that white gold was still being offered when I got mine.

88. daveintexas - May 21, 2006
89. Lipstick - May 21, 2006

Oh, do you see how Dave also displayed his luxury car keys in the photo?

I’ll bet he’s the kind of guy who says: “Oh, I’m waiting for the valet to bring my Porsche around”.

Watch out Mrs. Peel, he’s a player!


90. Feisty - May 21, 2006

Mmm…luxury car keys…..

Lipstick, don’t hate Dave cuz he’s a playa, hate THE GAME, yo.

91. sandy burger - May 21, 2006

For a while there, I was giving serious consideration to having a T-shirt made which says “I am a player hater”.

92. daveintexas - May 22, 2006

yeah well I can’t be a playa if Mrs. Peel is the same age as my eldest daughter babe.

Dear Feisty calls this “straight dad” syndrome. And I’m all covered up in that

Mrs. Peel is near enough to mine eldest’s age to make me want to arm up and shoot any stupid doof who would threaten her. Same sentiment I’ve got for my kid.

Damn. Now I have two more daughters. Holy Toledo.

93. Lipstick - May 22, 2006

Just pulling your leg Dave.

I know you’re a good guy.

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