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BUMPED: New Theme Song Contest May 30, 2006

Posted by Michael in Music.

From the "Pupster" comment thread, I note these attempts at manipulating me into running a new theme song contest, given that the last one was a total fiasco:

18. elzbth – May 28, 2006[Edit]
Poor KC. Michael, you should place the responsibility for the Theme Song poll upon your big, manly shoulders so we can get this thing over and done with.
19. kevlarchick – May 28, 2006[Edit]
Elzbth is right, you little shyster. Man up and pick a song. You stole my idea and fluffed it up to make me look weaker than usual.

Can you believe the nerve of these chicks?  Do they really believe I am so easily managed?  Sheesh.  Elzbth tries the old flattery ploy, then kevlarchick challenges my manhood while at the same time trying to sound pitiful. 

Hah!  I scoff at your feminine wiles.  I am immune to the trickery of women.

So, I'm going to run a new theme song contest, but I just wanted to make it clear right up front that Elzbth and kevlarchick had absolutely nothing to do with my decision.  It's just the right thing to do.

Here are the rules:

  • To nominate a song, post a link to a VIDEO of that song.  If we are going to adopt an official theme song, we should have a video that we can watch for inspiration.
  • Only one nomination per commenter will be considered.  If you make a nomination and then find something you like better, you can withdraw an earlier nomination.  You can also propose a song and appeal for someone else to nominate it if you have used up your nomination. 
  • The first person posting a link to a song will be considered the official nominator.
  • Nominations must be submitted by midnight E.D.T. on Wednesday.
  • Comments lobbying for your favorite nominations are, of course, welcome.
  • After the nominations are closed, I will select as many finalists as I deem appropriate in my sole and absolute discretion.
  • If links are proposed for multiple versions of the same song and that song is a winner, I will pick the one I like the best.  We will only vote on one version of a song.  The first person nominating the song will still be the official nominator, regardless of which version I choose.
  • Once the finalists are selected I will put up a post directing you to one of those polling sites so that you can vote.  I will announce at that time the deadline for voting.  I suppose we should allow about a week. 
  • One vote per person, please, regardless of how many IP addresses you have at your disposal.  I am counting on you to refrain from the sort of fraud and chicanery that tainted the last election. (Heh.)
  • I am withdrawing my objection to really gay-sounding songs, in view of my recent obsession with a certain YouTube video.
  • The song receiving the most votes will be the Official Innocent Bystanders Theme Song, and a link to the winning video will be posted on the "About" page along with an acknowledgement of the official nominator.
  • Remember, Elzbth and kevlarchick had absolutely nothing to do with me running this contest.  I am not placating.

If memory serves, we have tried a couple of different polling sites and decided that one of them was better.  I would appreciate a comment from anyone who knows which one that was and can provide a link.

I look forward to creative and artistic proposals from all of the many musically inclined commenters that visit this site, and I am confident that this contest will be conducted with the dignity and decorum that is the hallmark of Innocent Bystanders.

 To get things started, I hereby nominate . . .



1. Feisty the Internet Whore - May 28, 2006

I still want to nominate Gem Sweater!!!

You yearn, you burn
With desire
Your pants are ON FIRE!!!!

2. HayZeus - May 28, 2006

You’re requiring a video now?!

You suck. 😛

3. sandy burger - May 28, 2006

For the moment, I nominate Lotion. I originally saw it on Ace of Spades HQ, but since this site is an Ace rip-off of sorts, that seems appropriate. Truth be told, I’m not a Silence of the Lambs fan. I just think the poodle is cute.

4. Pupster - May 28, 2006

I’m not a big fan of the Jackass boys, but I like this song by Roger Alan Wade- “If your gonna be dumb, you better be tough.

*Sorry, without the “html for retards interface” I’m lost.*
**clicks say it with crossed fingers**

5. elzbth - May 28, 2006

mumblegrumbleneeds a videogrumblegripe

O.K. Let’s try this


6. MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy » Blog Archive » How DID you skip this song? - May 28, 2006

[…] Maybe better suited to Wednesday, huh? By way of Innocent Bystanders. […]

7. Bart - May 28, 2006

I’ve got the winner right here.

Personally, I like the acoustic version better (very sexy), but this is all I could find.

8. Bart - May 28, 2006

Baby got back?

Baby got book. As in the Holy Book.

Check it.

9. Bart - May 28, 2006
10. Michael - May 28, 2006

Yo Bart. Read the rules — one nomination per commenter. Which is yours? You can propose more tunes and seek to enlist a champion for your alternates, but I need to know which one you’re actually nominating.

11. geoff - May 28, 2006

Probably too mainstream, but the Christopher Walken Weapon of Choice video still cracks me up.

12. Bart - May 28, 2006

The first one. Billy Idol’s Rebel Yell is my nomination.

13. sandy burger - May 28, 2006

I’ve changed my mind. Now my nomination is for The Heist.

14. Bart - May 28, 2006

Chamomile Muthafucka!

15. sandy burger - May 28, 2006

So, I’m house-sitting for a friend in San Francisco tonight. More specifically, I’m dog-sitting. I’m taking care of her dog for the night, which entails giving it food and water, and taking it for a walk.

Now, it turns out that when you take a dog for a walk in the city, you have to clean up after it. In other words, you’re supposed to bring a garbage bag along with you to scoop up your dog’s crap.

Well, I think it’s time to go handle some dog poo…

16. sandy burger - May 28, 2006

Yeah, I mastered that dog poo. Showed it who was boss.

Sorry for the threadjack, but maybe some of those lurkers Michael was talking about wanted to know. And if your old pal Sandy doesn’t stick up for the lurkers, who will?

17. kevlarchick - May 28, 2006

I’m with HayZeus. What’s with the video requirement? Lame.

Anyway, thanks Mikey, you big strong hunka man. Thanks for removing the burden from my shoulders, you non-placating manly man.

I won’t be nominating anything. I’m a follower.

Rebel Yell is an all time favorite of mine, Bart. But Gem Sweater’s got it goin on.

18. sandy burger - May 28, 2006

Bart, believe it or not, I don’t even have any chamomile tea. I’ve got Earl Grey, some yerba mate, some kind of green tea, and various hippied-out teas that are decaf or herbal or whatever. But no chamomile.

I’ve just added it to the shopping list, though, which means I should have some by early 2007 at the latest.

19. sandy burger - May 28, 2006

I like Rebel Yell, but could we tone it down a little to Rebel Yelp? I wouldn’t want to frighten the neighbors.

20. lauraw - May 28, 2006

Video req. is BOGUS, Michael.

Most of the best songs for this site are pre-video era.

My vote would be for Float On, Long Version, by The Floaters. If there were no video requirement.

For those who don’t remember it, its a 70’s soul-type groove. Each individual band member steps forward to talk about what they like. The music ties it all together and also the refrain…”float, float onnnn….float on, float onnnn…”

And there were half a dozen others too that were real good.

But because this all happened BEFORE VIDEO, fuck it all.

The rules.
For the Love of Gaia, can you not be an Executive for five minutes and pare that shit down?

21. blogidaho - May 28, 2006

I’m stickin’ with my original nomination:

Combine the following ingredients:
1. Driving beat.
2. Guitar driven power-rock melody.
3. Charismatic Lead Singer.
4. Excellent costumes.
5. Scantily clad wimmen dancers.
6. Jacket with the World’s longest fringe.
7. The Wrenching, Teasing Feeling that Pony may suddenly gallop into the picture.
What do you get?
The musical version of “Girls Gone Indian”. AND the latest nominee for our Theme Song.

Some of you have seen this before and have already realized what song I’m referring to. (Those would be the people stamping their feet and whistling.)

Fellow Bystanders, I give you… Apache, it’s got it all.

I just copied my previous comment, it was worth 6 votes last time.

22. Bart - May 28, 2006

Rebel Yell acoustic version is da bomb.

Use Barry White to set the mood, then play Billy Idol when yer burying the duck.

23. steve_in_hb - May 29, 2006

Bart –

Re #9

Thank you for pointing me to the greatest cultural achievment I’ve ever witnessed. Old school rap, cheesy Japanese animation, leering sexuality – everything that warms my heart.

24. steve_in_hb - May 29, 2006

Does “Choco Party Good Good” count as a song?

25. Feisty the Internet Whore - May 29, 2006

i STILL can’t figure out how the Apache girls did that whole junior-high quality dance without flashing

26. steve_in_hb - May 29, 2006

Oops “Choco Party” Link


27. lauraw - May 29, 2006

After seeing Geezer’s video of Apache, I hereby withdraw any current or future vote.

If that is to be a representation of this group-blog, however, I don’t want to be one of those chicks.

I’d like to be one of the trees in the background please, or perhaps a noble cowflop which has been tread underfoot.

The main dude is definitely Michael though. No doubt about it. That’s the guy.

28. lauraw - May 29, 2006

OK, upon another view, leave me out of that video altogether. I’m pretty sure the trees and cowflops were defiled by that display as much as the humans.

Well, maybe not the tan girl that doesn’t actually touch the lead singer. I can be her, as long as its generally known that she died violently shortly after the video was made.

KC, who are you?

I kind of see you as the tubby (not really) blonde chick who is SO INTO TOUCHING GEEK FLESH.

29. blogidaho - May 29, 2006

That's one of the reasons I chose that video, Everybody is representin' Represented; Michael, Brew, Skinbad and the rest of the Crimefighting Thugs.
And the Innocent Bystander Babes.I'm doing the lighting and combing the fringe between takes.

30. Bart - May 29, 2006

I wanna be the guy on the bongos.

P.S. Chamomile Muthafucka!

31. blogidaho - May 29, 2006

Yo, Site Administrator. Close my tags please. Something went rong.

32. Geronimo - May 29, 2006

That is the stupidest damn thing I have ever seen.

Except that lead faker has a really cool Gibson Les Paul.

Ok, I vote apache.

33. steve_in_hb - May 29, 2006

Looks like Apache is running away with it. The cheese is hard to beat.
Can there be a Theme Dance/Ritual? If so, I nominate the All Blacks doing the haka. This is an example with my favorite rugby player leading them in the pre-game ritual.


34. sandy burger - May 29, 2006

That Apache video is by the Tommy Seebach Band.

35. kevlarchick - May 29, 2006

lauraw, who am I?

Think fringe, fleshy belly, no tan, stroking and worshipping that hot geek guitar flesh. Oooh yeah. That’s me.

36. blogidaho - May 29, 2006

Which one is Elzbth?

37. BrewFan - May 29, 2006

I’m voting Apache. I kind of identify with the drummer. The squaws may be all over the keyboard dude while the cameras are rolling but everybody knows the drummer always gets the girls. Its a law or something Thomas Jefferson said. One of the two.

38. Elzbth - May 29, 2006

I just read R.G.’s question (Which one is Elzbth?), so I’m going to have to go with the world’s strangest Barbie and Ken. There’s my vote.

39. blogidaho - May 29, 2006

Re: Michael wanting to know what is the best online voting.


You can make a quick and dirty poll instantly.

Create an account and you can customize you poll.
Practice using some innocuous questions and then set up the real poll.
I like the fact that you can see the stats right after you vote. (or any time thereafter)

Here’s an example of an important question that needs to be answered. I put this poll together in about a minute.


40. blogidaho - May 29, 2006

Elzbth wrote: I just read R.G.’s question (Which one is Elzbth?), so I’m going to have to go with the world’s strangest Barbie and Ken.

So which one do you feel best exhibits your Vowellessness, Barbie or Ken?

41. Michael - May 29, 2006

Thanks, RG.

42. Elzbth - May 29, 2006

Alas, neither. I could never match Ken’s graceful dance moves or Barbie’s contortionist-like ability to play with his own hair.

43. Stansbury - May 29, 2006
44. The Comish (sic) - May 29, 2006

I was going to nominate this song, performed by my girlfriend:


You’ve got to keep in mind that she’s sort of the Jasper Johns of song. Johns revolutionized art by creating beauty in his paintings without the convention of form. Well, this singer gets rid of some of singing’s most treasured conventions. Like the ability to sing. Or rhyme. Or wear clothes that don’t look like Hefty bags. However, she pretty much maxes out the ability to tease her hair. So it’s a balancing act.

But upon further review, doesn’t it have to be Apache?

45. BrewFan - May 29, 2006

That was so bad, Comish (sic), that it generated and ODBC error 🙂

46. Bart - May 29, 2006

What was that about? (Emphasis on That)

47. Michael - May 29, 2006


Girlfriend my ass. That was Feisty, wasn't it?

48. Sobek - May 29, 2006

Greatest video of all time is Beatie Boys’ “Sabotage.” There can be no disagreement. I will personally fight anyone who says otherwise.


49. Michael - May 29, 2006

I’m kinda like struggling with how to figure out the protocol for telling a millenia-old old crocodile god that his taste in music really sucks big time.


50. Sobek - May 29, 2006

The song itself is somewhere between “good” and “really good.” The video’s the thing.

51. Feisty the Internet Whore - May 30, 2006

Didja know there was a Gem Sweater Museum?!?!?!? Since it’s in Boston, perhaps Ace could swing by to pick up chicks.

I know i’ll be there!

52. skinbad - May 30, 2006

Gem Sweater gave me the shakes. I’ll vote Apache. Maybe this could be our official medley:


53. Muslihoon - May 30, 2006
54. Elzbth - May 30, 2006

So are you going to create a poll?

55. Michael - May 30, 2006

Yes, Elzbth, but the rules say that nominations will be open until midnight E.D.T on Wednesday.

56. elzbth - May 30, 2006

Sorry. My nagging hormones kicked in a day early.

57. mesablue - February 13, 2007


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