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Und Jetz Etwas Ganz Anders August 30, 2006

Posted by Sobek in News.
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As part of my on-going efforts to bring some scintilla of culture to you gutter-dwelling heathen, I now present to you Act 2, scene 3 of Ivan Turgenev’s A Month in the Country, as performed by the Royal Scottish Llamas.  Funding for this performance is in part from the generous donations of Steve and Robbo, who contributed the money they usually spend on brandy snifters, smoking jackets for the average Saturday evening.

 

The scene takes place in a drawing room, early in the morning.  Ysalev is seated at the desk, looking through papers.  After some time, he gives up, rises and walks to the window.  Matvei enters from the study, carrying a duster.

llama01.jpgMatvei:  You rang, sir?

llama05.jpgYsalev:  Yes — er — send the bailiff to me, will you? —

llama01.jpgMatvei:  Very good, sir.  [Going, then remembering something.]  Oh, excuse me,sir —

llama05.jpgYsalev:  Yes?

llama01.jpgMatvei:  The workmen digging at the dam —

llama05.jpgYsalev:  What about them?

llama01.jpgMatvei:  They’re waiting to know what they are to do now.

llama05.jpgYsalev:  Oh.  Tell them I shan’t be a moment — say I’ve been delayed.

llama01.jpgMatvei:  Very good sir.

llama05.jpgYsalev:  Is Monsieur Ratikin in the house?

llama01.jpgMatvei:  I just saw him in the billiard room, sir.

llama05.jpgYsalev:  Ask him if he would be so good as to take a glass of wine with me in here.

llama01.jpgMatvei:  Yes sir. 

[He bows and goes into the ballroom, nearly running into Anna Semyenova as she enters from the hall; she is in breakfast toilette and carries a cup of chocolate and a card-box.  She is in a genuine state of agitation, but appears determined to let everyone know it.  She looks at Ysalev, who does not stir.  She looks at letters on occasional table behind sofa, moves across and deposits the card-box on the table; he looks up quickly, sees her and goes back to his papers.  She sighs explosively, and sits on the stool; he still pays no attention to her.]

llama04.jpgAnna:  Arkasha —

llama05.jpgYsalev [turning]:  Oh, Mamma — I didn’t see you — [Rising, crossing, and kissing her on the brow mechanically.]  How are we this morning?

llama04.jpgAnna:  Well, the Lord be thanked.

llama05.jpgYsalev:  Good.  [He returns to his paper.]

llama04.jpgAnna [with a deep sigh]:  As well as can be expected — Matters might be worse —

[Seeing that  he takes no notice, she draws a deeper breath, almost a sob.  He turns to her.]

llama05.jpgYsalev:  Were you sighing, Mamma?

llama04.jpgAnna:  Arkady Sergheich Ysalev,  I am your mother.

llama05.jpgYsalev [back to his papers]:  Really, Mamma, that’s no news to me —

llama04.jpgAnna:  You’re a great big man, Arkasha, grown up to Adam’s estate — but I am the one who dangled you on my knee.  It’s a wonderful word, “Mother.”

llama05.jpgYsalev:  Mamma, please do explain what you’re hinting at —

llama04.jpgAnna:  My dear, you know perfectly well.  Arkasha, you married an excellent wife —

llama05.jpgYsalev [spitting foul liquid all over the floor]:  Yip!  Yip!

llama04.jpgAnna:  Whose conduct up till now has been beyond reproach —

llama05.jpgYsalev [trying to bite Anna]: Yip!  Orgle orgle!

llama04.jpgAnna [spitting near where Ysalev just spit]:  Yip yip!  Orgle, orgle!  Jane Austen!

llama05.jpgYsalev [Still spitting.  The floor is getting too covered in the vile stuff for either Ysalev or Anna to stand up properly]: Yip!  Sir Edmund Burke!  Gratuitous domestic posting!  Yip!

llama04.jpgAnna [still spitting.  Criminy, don’t these things ever run out of saliva?]:  Yip!

[Two llama handlers rush onto the stage and try to get the increasingly agitated llamas back into character.  They quickly realize that all sense of decorum has been irretrievably lost, and they must cut their losses.]

Exeunt all.

Comments»

1. John - August 30, 2006

That was Hot!. Hot llama XXX theater. Spitting llamas.

Reminds me of a nude alpaca I saw once …

2. Ace of Spades HQ - August 30, 2006

A Bit of Culture for the Drooling Retards at Ace of Spades — Sobek

See, Innocent Bystanders is the place where all the intellectuals in the comments like to hang out. A place where people use words like “Turgenev.” As opposed to you cretins, who laugh-snort at trashy nomenclature like [shudder] “pooter.” I don’t…

3. Michael - August 30, 2006

Sobek, you need help.

4. HayZeus, Inc. - August 30, 2006

The comedy genius of Sobek

Innocent Bystanders presents a comedy sketch in which the Stately Llamas are gently and mercilessly mocked to great humorous effect. Recommended reading, indeed!

5. Sobek - August 30, 2006

Hey, I’m not the one talking about nude alpacas.

6. Sobek - August 30, 2006

Well, other than in that last comment. But that’s the only time I’ve ever mentioned nude alpacas.

7. Sobek - August 30, 2006

Crap.

8. Andrew - August 30, 2006

That was brilliant.

9. BrewFan - August 30, 2006

Bravo, maestro. Bravo.

10. lauraw - August 30, 2006

Very, very funny.
I loaaaathe you.

11. skinbad - August 30, 2006

It was very boring at the beginning but got much better toward the end. I’m glad I read it before seeing the movie.

12. Alpaca Pron - August 30, 2006
13. Feisty Alpacan Herder - August 30, 2006
14. lauraw - August 30, 2006

Anybody else having trouble with Ace’s site?

15. skinbad - August 30, 2006

Yes. I see no content, just the sidebars.

16. A. Weasel - August 30, 2006

Wow…Sobek broke Ace’s site.
Now that’s some powerful funny.

17. Dave in Texas - August 30, 2006

somebody goobered it up and it wasn’t me!

18. A. Weasel - August 30, 2006

Come on.. You are the only one who knows how to goober stuff.

19. Retired Geezer - August 30, 2006

Oh Great. My one chance to achieve Nirvana Fame Superstardom Mediocrity and one of you Morons Guest Posters breaks his blog.

20. lauraw - August 30, 2006

I been working on a post about Welfare Reform since yesterday. Tried to post it and got a ‘fruitcake error,’ whatever the Hell that is.

I should stick to funny cat pictures.

21. daveintexas - August 30, 2006

Or flowers.

check that. Way too racy.

Hey, I finally got my Sobek interview. I’m gonna be famous!

22. John - August 30, 2006

Welfare reform? Garbage in, Garbage out.

The whole site’s down now, which usually means that someone is trying to fix it.

There are some similarities here … Strange:

1) The last time we guest posted, the site went down right at the beginning
2) The last time we posted, the Seattle Jewish Community Federation had just been attacked. Now this lunatic in SF has targeted Jews. Still not sure that it’s a terrorist, but I’d put money on it. The family’s already calling him unstable.
3) The last time we guested at Ace’s, Dave was a goober. And he’s still a goober.

Just kidding on the last one …

23. Sobek - August 30, 2006

And let’s not forget the fascinating discussion we had last time about Ivan Turgenev…

24. lauraw - August 30, 2006

Welfare reform? Garbage in, Garbage out.

Ah.
Guess I’ll just crumple up this work from the heart and throw it on the floor and squish it and kill it now and go curl up on top of the pile of shoes in the closet where it smells weird but its dark and no one can see me.

*stifles sobs with a pair of pink espadrilles*

Oooh, I forgot about these. They’re cute and will totally look great with shorts.

25. sam - August 30, 2006

So, none of you “intellectual” morons know how to get in touch with Ace or Pixy?

26. The Comish (sic) - August 30, 2006

See? This is the reason why I never use llamas in my theatrical productions. They’re great with delivery, great with blocking, great with subtext, and they’re generally willing to put in overtime, but they Just. Can’t. Do. Accents. It’s ridiculous.

27. BrewFan - August 30, 2006

Yes, sam, we do. But we don’t want to. Nyah-nyah nyah-nyah nyah nyah!

28. The LLama Butchers - August 30, 2006

Llamapiece Theatre

Courtesy of Sobek, hanging out now at Innocent Bystanders, comes this moving piece of cul-chah: Act 2, scene 3 of Ivan Turgenevs A Month in the Country, as performed by the Royal Scottish Llamas. Other productions scheduled for this season…

29. Anonymous - August 30, 2006

sam:
So, none of you “intellectual” morons know how to get in touch with Ace or Pixy?

I’ve never tried it, but I hear that if you turn out all the lights, look in the mirror, and say his name 3 times, Ace will appear behind you and make a D&D joke.

30. Solo - August 30, 2006

It’s official.

I am gullible.

I not only read thru that entire post but I then read thru all the comments.

You’ve probably saved me years of personal investigation.

Thank you so much.

And in the spirit of it all….

*spits*

– Solo xxXxx

31. John - August 30, 2006

Laura, The pink whatevers look great. Really. And the welfare thing really is working out for the best.

The closet could use some light dusting, though. But the Welfare Reform thing….? Great.

32. Muslihoon - August 30, 2006

Why’s Ace gone? I can’t figure out why even though it seems that I should be able to. I’m confused.

33. BrewFan - August 30, 2006

Musli,

He’s moving.

34. Muslihoon - August 30, 2006

Thanks, Brew! He should invite all of his “morons” to his new-domicile-warming party.

35. riderone - August 30, 2006

Oh. My. God. That is HILARIOUS!!!!

36. riderone - August 30, 2006

Oh. My. God! Too funny! PLUS I just bought *Fathers and Sons.* Harmonic convergence?!?!!?

37. Michael - August 30, 2006

Harmonic convergence?!?!!?

No. More like harmonic distortion.

38. Krmdll vcv poidjgfdgf fdgfjglsngg gfgxxcviji dgfdgofijxcivjc ageroij asgdgiuj dsgoihjjkngddgf sgd dfgfghy - September 1, 2006

spam?


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