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Dave’s “Afterburner” chili recipe October 28, 2006

Posted by daveintexas in Food, Terrorist Hemorrhoids.
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It’s getting cold outside.  Time for a big ol pot of chili.  This is how we make it in Texas.

Afterburner Chili
From memory (I have patented this over many many years).Ok, 2 lbs ground beef or chili beef.
2 cans pinto beans (or your fav. I’m not picky)
4 cloves of garlic, diced eensy teensy (do it yourself! you will thank me again and again!)
half a sweet onion, diced not quite so fine. You want to chew these little goobers.
15 tbsp chili powder
1 tbsp paprika
1 tsp salt (to taste, I like a little less salt)
1 tsp white pepper
1 tsp black pepper
12 tsp cayenne
1 tsp ground cumin (I recommend fresh. mmm!)
16 tsp
Tabasco. God bless General McIlhenny. Did you know he was a Marine? OOO-RAY!
12 jalapeno peppers, diced so fine you can’t tell what it was
5 habanero peppers, after filling out the forms from the EPA for handling toxic waste. diced similarly to Mr. Jalapeno. Imagine a cute Veggie Tale face. And cut it off.
4 cans agua (water, you silly caucasians)
1 tbsp masa flour
3 oz. Maker’s Mark (yeah, you could use Jim Beam. But call it your recipe, not mine)

The ground beef should be “chuck”. Not the neighbor’s kid, ground chuck. Small “c”. 15% fat. Don’t drain a drop of it. That grease enhances the “Dave experience”. Brown that beef. Pour those beans. Pour in all that other stuff. Mix and simmer according to common sense rules of mixing and simmering. You’ve done this before…I have no secrets here. Except the masa….save it until you’ve simmered for about 45 minutes, then mix that in some hot water and pour it into the brew. Drink 4 Foster’s while you do all this, and down one shot of the whiskey. It’s just more fun that way. It also enhances the “Dave experience”. Simmer another half hour or so or until you just can’t stand it anymore and eat the stuff.

Grated cheddar, chips, fresh diced onions, that just enhances the “Dave’s Chili” experience. Knock yourself out. Tomorrow morning, have a bowl of ice cream handy, your favorite flavor. Not to eat. To sit in. Enjoy.

Here is an account of a guy not from Texas being invited to judge a chili contest.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted”.

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie’s Maniac Monster Chili…

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick!

Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 — (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two whole beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy people.

Chili # 2 Austin’s Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili… Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 — A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer…

Chili # 4 Dave’s Black Magic…

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing!

Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili…

Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover…

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive!

Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, it could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It’s really pissing me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety…

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 — Holy shit!  My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, burning, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. I can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili…

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. ***I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili…

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he would have reacted to Dave’s chili?

Comments»

1. compos mentis - October 28, 2006

That story makes me laugh every time I read it.

Thanks for the recipe Dave. My youngest son and I are the only two in my house who like spicey food, me much more so than he. Habañeros though, are a mother.

2. kevlarchick - October 28, 2006

Why does chili have to hurt? Why does Dave feel the need to sweat profusely while eating? It doesn’t have to be that way!

I’m entering mine at a church contest/dinner tonight. We Midwestern Irish Catholics like the chili with crackers and cold cold beer. And I’ll sleep just fine after a fully belly.

3. lauraw - October 28, 2006

Some kind of complex Texans have about machismo and poisonous food.
I like mine mild, though I have been known to down some pickled stuffed jalapenos from time to time, when I forget about the 2am sweats.

4. daveintexas - October 28, 2006

Good Tex-Mex should hurt.

Hurt so good. Come on baby make it hurt so good. Chili without fire doesn’t feel like it should, so make it, hurt so good.

5. a-a - October 28, 2006

Does anybody know how to make bourbon chicken? Not like they have have at Chinese joints – theirs is always too sweet. I hate that. There is this crummy all you can eat place called Ryans(i think its a chain, but i dont know if its nation wide) that serves bourbon chicken that has more of a spicey taste and isnt sweet at all. It depends on whos cooking it that day but there usually arent any peppers in it or anything. Its odd tasting. It isnt hot. It really isnt “spicey.” It just feels like your taste buds are being kicked into overdrive by a massive dose of MSG. I actually think that the sauce that Ryans uses is actually pre made and the cooks just pour it all over the chicken before they grill it or wok it or whatever.

Im really not much of a cook, or else i might be able to identify some of the flavors. Maybe theres some worcestershire sauce in there. I dont know.

Any help?

6. Myron - October 28, 2006

Here’s my chili story. About the time I helped the cook make chili. It was not appreciated by everyone.

7. Mr Minority - October 28, 2006

Dave,
I am going to start the famous Texas argument – Chile should NOT have bean in them.

Just meat and sauce.

Also for you non-Texans if you want good Texas chili without having to go through the rituals (yes, making good chili involves sacrificing something to the jalapeno gods) pick up a bag of Carol Shelby’s Chili (that is the same Shelby that created the Shelby AC and the Shelby Mustang Cobra).

8. chili recipe - go for the burn « Elzbth - October 28, 2006

[…] For the aficionado of self-inflicted pain in pursuit of chili euphoria, Dave in Texas posts his recipe for “Afternburner” Chili right here. […]

9. Michael - October 28, 2006

Is there anything worse on the planet than that “Cincinnati-style” chili with a cinnamon flavor?

I was a judge at a United Way chili contest fund-raiser at work one time and kept bumping into cinnamon. People in Ohio who serve that shit should be shot on sight.

10. BrewFan - October 28, 2006

Worse yet, here in Wisconsin they put macaroni in it! One of the few times I’m ashamed of my fellow cheesers.

11. Michael - October 28, 2006

Macaroni. Wow.

I can’t think of anything more depraved that that.

Well, yes I can. I’ll bet those filthy stinkin’ spudders put potatoes in chili.

But you expect stuff like that from them. Wisconsin Lutherans should be held to a higher standard.

12. kevlarchick - October 28, 2006

Michael! Don’t you like 3 ways?!!

13. Dave in Texas - October 28, 2006

bunch of pussies

14. geoff - October 28, 2006

Michael! Don’t you like 3 ways?!!

I love that 5-way Skyline Chili, but it doesn’t like me. Before I can even finish I have intestinal adventures a la Compos Mentis.

Love fire food, though. Normal chili doesn’t abuse my system at all.

15. Mr Minority - October 28, 2006

bunch of pussies

I second that motion

16. Michael - October 28, 2006

I hate Skyline Chili.  If I were just a little bit more emotionally unbalanced than I already am, I would be shooting at Skyline Chili stores.  In my Batman suit.

So, don’t push me.

17. Mr Minority - October 28, 2006

Chili is a food that should enjoyed, savoring the rich mixture of MEAT and chili sauce. Not meat, sauce, spuds, macaroni (that is total sacrilege) or any other kind of vegetable or pasta (other than maybe beans, pinto beans! not lima beans or garbanzo beans).

The other nice thing about chili is that the cook can make it as hot or mild as they want. It can be hot for Texas women and children, mild for Yankees and foreign pussies or REAL hot for Texas men.

Little know fact: Texas Chili has been known to rid you of intestinal parasites. Good thing to know, isn’t it?

18. kevlarchick - October 28, 2006

*mumbling*

I lose the chili contest at church and I didn’t use fuckin cinnamon or macaroni, buncha broke down old men with flabby bellies callin me a pussy…

Time for another beer. Is beer okay?? Is a Yankee girl allowed to drink beer around here?!!!

19. Dave in Texas - October 28, 2006

Oh beer enhances the whole “Dave chili” experience.

Oh my yes it does.

20. sandy burger - October 28, 2006

Here is a scene I like from a Simpson’s episode where Homer eats some ridiculously spicy chili and begins tripping. I’m thinking Dave’s chili is probably something along these lines.

21. lauraw - October 28, 2006

Yes. It turns the 2 a.m. shuffle of pain to the throne, into a Six Flags flume ride.

Texans sprinkle crack on their breakfast cereal. I’m not trying to joke around or start a vicious rumor or anything.
Its actually the law in Texas.

22. Dave in Texas - October 28, 2006

flame on!

ya Yankee knuckleheads

23. lauraw - October 28, 2006

yeah yeah yeah

yer not so tough

24. Wickedpinto - October 28, 2006

I cheat a lot.

I tend to use a 1/2 ground beef, 1/4 breakfast sausage (deeply rendered) 1/4 of course chopped /chipped beef round.

I like your spices, I ditch the habenero, and I mix a single ancho, course, and go with 3 cerrano’s (roasted.) I don’t mix my peppers, but I think that the paprica is important, gives it a nice deep red coloring.

As for the beens, if I cheat, I just use brooks chili beens, if I don’t I stew them in brown sugar.

I don’t like massa, I like overcooking a small portion of arborial rice, like a long time kinda overcook, and only use the water. then after the last of the liquid (all from the rice stew) is added, let the chili simmer for about 2 hours. You get a thickness, but you don’t get a bite in the broth, while the “broth” is still thick.

But other than my tastes conflicting, I like your recipe (I only disagree with the habenero, I only use the BIG chili’s for greens.)

25. Wickedpinto - October 28, 2006

Why use Tobasco, when you can buy a tobasco, and just add a teaspoon of vinegar?

When I prepare the meat, I prepare the ground beef (not picky for the beef filler) I saute’ it with the cumin in it, that way you can taste the beef seperate from the other flavors. I do the same with the course ground round (I don’t trim it, so it works out like chuck in it’s fat content, only round seems to be a touch cheaper here) then I remove the round/chuck, whatever selected particular course meet, and I don’t drain, then I saute a whole white onion in the rendered fat of the course beef.

I’m not a “cook” or any such, I operate almost exclusively by feel and by smell. (the rice trick though was taught to me by my great aunt (my great uncles wife) blanch.) I have a lot of stories of how I learned to cook, all of them consist of me being a young teenager being my aunts or great aunts little bitch while rooting around in the garden, and burning my hands on Blanch’s canning kettle. But hey? what are young boys for?

BTW, my aunt blanch only lived with her husband, my uncle, who barely ate, but I NEVER EVER visited her house, announced or unannounced, and that old bitch was always cooking something, in a big fucking pot.

She was the first person I knew with a true double convection oven.

Who the fuck was she cooking for? She was 70, my uncle was 74, (then he died at 76, and I got a story about him, but it is disgusting. Basicaly the story is “he had arthritis and emphezema, and long toenails” you can fill in the rest. I’m still scarred.)

But I enjoy cooking.

26. Retired Geezer - October 28, 2006

*thrusts scrawny chest out proudly*

Yeah, I made Chili.
I put Potatoes in it.
And Pineapple.
I won a prize.
F’n sue me.

Recipe here.

27. Retired Geezer - October 28, 2006

Dude, the spam filter ate my post and my Idaho Spudder Chili recipe.

28. Michael - October 28, 2006

I’ll go look for it.

UPDATE:

OK, I restored your comment, but I’m ashamed of myself for doing it.  The spam filter was right.  Chili with potatoes is just dirty stinkin’ spudder stuff that demeans this site.

29. Remember the Amish - October 28, 2006

It can be hot for Texas women and children, mild for Yankees and foreign pussies or REAL hot for Texas men.

Fuckin Texan Pussys!

Texas is a state full of Mexicans and pansies who werent tough enough to cut it in Tennessee.

habaneros? jalapenos? are you kidding me? what kind of men are you? Youve never had chili until youve had amish chili. Whenever i get a hankerin for some homemade chili i just snort a blend of Sterno, cocain, and carol shelby chili powder and stick my tongue to the bottom of a hot skillet.

30. Lipstick - October 28, 2006

Time for another beer. Is beer okay?? Is a Yankee girl allowed to drink beer around here?!!!

ALWAYS, Kevie.

31. lauraw is screwing with Amish for the halibut - October 28, 2006

Whenever i get a hankerin for some homemade chili i just snort a blend of Sterno, cocain, and carol shelby chili powder and stick my tongue to the bottom of a hot skillet.

Cocaine?

Pussy.

32. Mr Minority - October 29, 2006

Fuckin Texan Pussys!

Texas is a state full of Mexicans and pansies who werent tough enough to cut it in Tennessee.

Do you realize that there are no Amish in Texas? That’s because we played Cowboys and Amish at one time.

And I think you are missing the point about Chili, it is not the hotness of it that makes it good, it is the flavor. And just because we can consume habeneros like they are friggin’ bon-bon allows us to make our chili more flavorful (personally I like the flavor of serranos better).

I bet if you Yankees ever had real Texas chili, you would needs a tongue and asshole transplant. And lucky for y’all those part are interchangeable in YankeeLand.

33. Dave in Texas - October 29, 2006

I’m awake now and I need a bowl of ice cream.

ow.

34. lauraw - October 29, 2006

I wish you people down there would take a break from making sweet love to your sister and think about how hurtful those Yankee stereotypes are.

35. Mr Minority - October 29, 2006

laura,
I got nothing against Yankees, in fact I know a few. Even the guy that pumps my septic tank is a Yankee, and I tolerate him.

36. anonymous - October 29, 2006

“Even the guy that pumps my septic tank is a Yankee”

Wait – Mike Piazzas got traded by the Mets?

37. kevlarchick - October 29, 2006

Yeah, the war’s over. You rebels LOST.

38. Malcolm R. - October 29, 2006

Mighta been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong side.

39. Michael - October 29, 2006

People, please. If we’re going to have a military do-over, I say let’s restart the War of 1812. We still owe those Canadians a good beating.

40. Retired Geezer - October 29, 2006

Yeah and don’t forget the Fwench.

41. Dave in Texas - October 29, 2006

I wish you people down there would take a break from making sweet love to your sister and think about how hurtful those Yankee stereotypes are.

I apologize for my boorish behavior.

Anyone want some chili?

42. Dex - October 29, 2006

I’ll have some, Dave. And some Blue Bell to wash it down, if you’ve got any.

43. Mr Minority - October 29, 2006

We still owe those Canadians a good beating.

by Michael

Yeah and don’t forget the Fwench.

by Retired Geezer

Here! Here! You are right! We are all Americans now, and a common foe is always more fun to bitch slap anyway.

And actually, if we storm Quebec, we get a twofer, the Canadian and Fwiggin’ Fwench!

44. Benjerk - January 11, 2007

Not bad. I halved the recipe and doubled the amount of habanero and serrano (used that instead of jalapeno)…on accident, but it still could have used a little more heat.

45. For Michael | Innocent Bystanders - January 24, 2015

[…] party at their home in Ohio. They were planning food for this big get together and for some reason they took my chili recipe from a post […]


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