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Fashion Police Report October 29, 2006

Posted by Mrs. Peel in Ducks, Economics, History, Personal Experiences, Philosophy, Travel.
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Ignore that “Mrs. Peel” up there. This article is by the Fashion Police. Recently, we had occasion to make a patrol at the Texas Renaissance Festival, and we have some comments that certain attendees may find helpful.

  1. Mirrors are useful devices that, when employed properly, can reveal such problems as skin that ought not to be exposed and hair that needs washing.
  2. Memo to blond men who fancy themselves as archers: Just because Orlando Bloom can pull it off without looking 100% gay doesn’t mean you can.
  3. When wearing corsets, one should check below the corset for an unsightly roll of fat. Such rolls should be concealed.
  4. Similarly, one should check above the corset to see if one’s breasts appear to be badly misshapen due to the effects of the corset.
  5. “Man-boobs” should always be concealed.
  6. If your stomach is such that you can draw two eyes on your abdomen and make a mouth with your belly button, that, too, should be concealed. (We observed at least one female as well as several males who would benefit from applying this rule.)
  7. To maximize the usefulness of chain mail, wear a full suit of it. Leaving one’s midsection vulnerable is not recommended.

In all seriousness, do these people just not look in the mirror, or what? I can sorta understand the guys, but how can a woman not know when she looks completely repulsive?

Also, what the hell were little kids doing there? What were their parents thinking?

Anyway, overall verdict: Boring, expensive, and full of unattractive people, creepy people, and people who think making suggestive comments to attractive young women is being “in character.”

So, go or don’t go.  It’s up to you.

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Comments»

1. pupster - October 29, 2006

No pictures?

What did you wear Mrs. Peel?

What are you wearing right now?

2. geoff - October 29, 2006

I think your experience was pretty much exactly as I described, though in my day the bare midriff issue wasn’t significant. Maybe everybody from back then outgrew their costumes.

3. Sobek - October 29, 2006

“Memo to blond men who fancy themselves as archers: Just because Orlando Bloom can pull it off without looking 100% gay doesn’t mean you can.”

You and I have very different opinions on Orlando the 100% gay archer.

4. kevlarchick - October 29, 2006

I have learned that repulsive is a relative term.

5. Mrs. Peel - October 29, 2006

I was thinking Orlando looked only about 90% gay, Sobek.

6. are you going to finish that, amish? - October 29, 2006

I have learned that repulsive is a relative term.

Thats no way to talk about your inlaws kevlar.

semi on topic: Has anybody else noticed just how many women dont seem to buy larger clothes sizes as they get fatter? Useually dudes will just buy baggy clothes to cover up their disgusting body, but a lot of girls nowdays insist on squeezing into the tightest clothes they can find no matter how chunky they are. Weird. Ive always heard that women were extremely self conscience. Whats up with this? Just because youve put on some weight doesnt mean that you cant still dress nice.

I went and saw the Prsetige last night and you wouldnt believe how many fat people there were at the theatre. Not that theres anything wrong with it, its just such a huge change. it wasnt like this when i was growing up. Heck it wasnt like this 20 years ago. Americans are getting HUGE!

Cover that shit up people.

p.s. Two little kids are in a hospital, lying
on stretchers next to each other
outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over & asks,
“What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in
here to get my tonsils out
& I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing
to worry about. I had that done when
I was four. They put you to sleep, &
when you wake up they give you
lots of Jell-O & ice cream.
It’s a breeze.”

The second kid then asks,
“What are you here for?”

The first kid says, “A
circumcision.”

“Whoa!” the second kid replies.
“Good luck buddy. I had that
done right after I was born –
Couldn’t walk for a
whole year.”

7. Dex - October 29, 2006

Hey, since you guys are posting recipes and medieval stuff, you might dig this: http://www.medievalcookery.com/recipes.shtm

In case you want to get medieval on your kitchen.

8. Al Gorsky - LORD OF THE HINTERLANDS! - October 29, 2006

To whomsoever it mayest concerneth,

Regarding thy remaks upon our recent Renaissance Festival – Thou art Lucky that we dost burn witches at the stake and not bitches.

Verily methinks thou art quite uppity for a one legged strumpet.

9. Frank Wilson - Marquis de Shrewsbury - October 29, 2006

I say screwest thy Pottage of Turnips and thy Marmelade of Quinces master Dex. This unipedaled Harlequin dost not deseve such finery.

Instead I doth think that she might enjoy a bit of crow. Methinks that the wench is simply loathe to admit that she actually had a good time at our fair.

For Truly Our Renaissance Festival Doth Rocketh out witheth its Cock Out!

10. Jim Thompson - Marquis de Shrewsbury - October 29, 2006

I say screwest thy Pottage of Turnips and thy Marmelade of Quinces master Dex. This unipedaled Harlequin dost not deseve such finery.

Instead I doth think that she might enjoy a bit of crow. Methinks that the wench is simply loathe to admit that she actually had a good time at our fair.

For Truly Our Renaissance Festival Doth Rocketh out witheth its Cock Out!

11. I hate this motherfuckin Spam filter! - October 29, 2006

I hate this motherfuckin Spam filter! [Asst. Site Administrator - We sincerely regret the inconvenience and would like to offer you a coupon for 50% off of your next 5 comments as a token of our gratitude for your patronage]

12. Dave in Texas - October 29, 2006

Mama told me not to go.

Mama told me not to go.

That ain’t the way to have fun, son.

That ain’t the way to have fun.

13. Muslihoon - October 29, 2006

Has anybody else noticed just how many women dont seem to buy larger clothes sizes as they get fatter? Useually dudes will just buy baggy clothes to cover up their disgusting body, but a lot of girls nowdays insist on squeezing into the tightest clothes they can find no matter how chunky they are. Weird. Ive always heard that women were extremely self conscience. Whats up with this? Just because youve put on some weight doesnt mean that you cant still dress nice.

Reminds me of a very interesting line from a song I like:
Well I’m an eight-ball shooting double-fisted drinking son of a gun.
I wear my jeans a little tight
Just to watch the little boys come undone.

I’m here for the beer and the ball-busting band.
Gonna get a little crazy just because I can.

– Gretchen Wilson, “Here for the Party”.

14. Wickedpinto - October 29, 2006

Memo to blond men who fancy themselves as archers: Just because Orlando Bloom can pull it off without looking 100% gay doesn’t mean you can.

Orlando doesn’t look 100% gay, but he comes it at 97% gay with a 4.6% margin of error.

15. Feisty - October 29, 2006

Criticizing a crowd of Ren-Festers for being awkward-appearing is akin to criticizing the attendees at a cerebral palsy summer camp for being a little awkward-appearing.

16. Mr Minority - October 29, 2006

But I thought the whole purpose for going to the Renaissance Festival was to see the odd people. I mean, other than Austin where else can you gather such a strange group of people, dresses up in weird archaic clothing, eating smoked turkey legs, juggling, swinging swords and using thees and thous. I mean it’s better that the airport for people watching.

[For those that have never been to Austin, that is normal. You ought to try Eyeore's Birthday Party, it's ancient Hippie Heaven (you can always pick-up cheap tiedye and bead jewelery there). I actually saw a grown man in a diaper riding a large tricycle.]

17. lauraw - October 29, 2006

So you had fun, then?

18. Dave in Texas - October 30, 2006
19. eddiebear - October 30, 2006

That’s nothing to 500,000 drunk Cardinals Fans after 3 days straight of revelry. Some of them reminded me of Ren Festers by Sunday night.


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