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Viking Christmas December 1, 2006

Posted by Retired Geezer in Religion.

My ex-neighbor, Charlie, works for a guy who descended from Vikings. He wanted Charlie to make a Julebukk for the upcoming Caldwell Christmas Parade.

Norway has its gift-bearing little gnome or elf. Known as Julebukk or “Christmas buck,” he appears as a goat-like creature. Julebukk harkens back to Viking times when pagans worshipped Thor and his goat.

Now you need to know that Charlie is not too bright a humble Sheet Metal Dude.

Here’s his creation, he made it out of, you guessed it, sheet metal pipes covered with straw. Pretty neat job for a Tinner. I like the Braided Straw Horns.

I think it looks pretty cool.

During pagan celebrations a person dressed in a goatskin, carrying a goat head, would burst in upon the party and during the course of evening would “die” and return to life.

I think if somebody burst into one of *my* parties carrying a frickin’ Goat Head, he would be asked politely to leave. Either that or he might “die” and not return to life.

During the early Christian era, the goat began to take the form of the devil, and would appear during times of wild merry-making and jubilation. By the end of the Middle Ages, the game was forbidden by the Church and the state. In more recent times the goat has emerged in the tamer form of Julebukk.

So… what kind of Godless Commies live in Caldwell, Idaho, anyway?

Christmas Around the World.


1. eddiebear - December 1, 2006

So, does he take people like a viking?

2. a-a - December 1, 2006

I dont remember the part of Tutonic mythology where it said that one of Thors goats had a beer bottle sticking out of its left eye…

3. kevlarchick - December 1, 2006

Goat’s Head Soup. Yummy in my tummy.

4. Retired Geezer - December 1, 2006

a-a, I think that there’s the thingy on the Sheet Metal Break tool whatsis in the background.

Or one of Charlie’s beer bottles.

5. Mr Minority - December 1, 2006

Hmmmm, Viking does goat, that’s better than hunter does dead deer.

6. Dave in Texas - December 1, 2006

goats head soup?


7. Don Carne - December 1, 2006

Viking christmas?

8. Rightwingsparkle - December 1, 2006

The goat as the devil? That might explain goatse or whatever the hell that horrid thing on the internet is called. (a picture I have NEVER clicked on btw, when the unflapple I know on the net get grossed out by something..I DO NOT go there)

Where have I been you ask? Don’t ask….;-)

9. Michael - December 1, 2006

Where have I been you ask? Don’t ask….;-)

That’s just wrong, Sparkle. You are such a tease.

Especially because Dave in Texas has been spreading a rumor that you quit blogging to carry his love child!!!!! I mean, I hate to be a snitch and all, but I thought you should know.

10. Pupster - December 1, 2006

Google keeps records of all searches.

Oddly enough, your not the first hit to IB for Viking Goat.

We don’t judge here.

11. Rightwingsparkle - December 1, 2006


You wouldn’t be the first to say that…;-)

The thing about Dave is OBVIOUSLY a vicious rumor since we have heard ENDLESS stories of his “clip, clip.” If you know what I mean. Heh.

12. Rightwingsparkle - December 1, 2006

I just love Dave’s Christmas story and the pictures. I may take some pics of my decorating (I am worst than he is) and post them.

13. Michael - December 1, 2006

I don’t know, Pupster. We’ve started getting a few hits again from the search term “Cherokee D Ass.” Maybe that’s what Sparkle was winking about.

14. Pupster - December 1, 2006

Cherokee D Ass?

Uh, no…that’s me. Sorry.

*reviews help file “how to bookmark*

15. Dave in Texas - December 1, 2006

I knew no one would fall for that schtick after my havoing regaled you all with mine humorous V anecdotes.

16. Amish Puts them on the Glass - December 1, 2006

If anybody is interested in finding out who Cherokee D’Ass is you might want to go here:


p.s. Do you think that outfit makes her ass look big?

17. Retired Geezer - December 1, 2006

humorous V anecdotes.

Uh, shouldn’t that be Cringeworthy?

18. Michael - December 1, 2006

No shit, RG. My twins are still hiding out somewhere behind my kidneys.

19. A - December 1, 2006

humorous V anecdotes.

Dave and Mrs Dave?

They arent like us. Nope – Not.Like.Us.

20. lauraw - December 1, 2006

Amish, I pure hate you.

I never, ever, EVER learn anything good on the intertubes.

21. amish after school special - December 1, 2006

“I never, ever, EVER learn anything good on the intertubes.”

So untrue laura. Internet is our friend. heres a sampling of just a few of the quality things i have learned while looking at online educational videos(porn):

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman out of a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy cummers.

11. People in the 70’s couldn’t cum unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his
half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman’s butt.

14. Men always groan “OH YEAH!” when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they “high five” each other.(and the girl isn’t disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don’t exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the
bushes,the boyfriend won’t bash seven shades of shit out of you if you
shove your cock in his girlfriend’s mouth.

19. There’s a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by
giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patients cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend,
she’ll only be momentarily pissed off before ****ing the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches… or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man’s cock, it’s important for him to
remind her to “suck it”.

26. *******s are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all
parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man’s
trousers and find a cock there.

29. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand
firmly on the back of the kneeling woman’s head and the other proudly
on his hip.

Disclaimer: I stole this from another site. Pretty sure some of you wouldnt like the sites…uh…adult content.

22. Dave in Texas - December 1, 2006

I’m sorry, what? I don’t speak Spanish.

23. Dave in Texas - December 2, 2006

No shit, RG. My twins are still hiding out somewhere behind my kidneys.

Did you happen to catch this story?


I was trying to describe the wound a .22 would leave in your nad by explaining it as stabbing yourself with a small phillips screwdriver, but that seems a bit inaccurate… would probably be more like placing your nad on a cutting board, putting the screwdriver right up against “righty”, and driving it through by hammering the screwdriver with a mallet.

Does that sound about right?

24. Pupster - December 2, 2006

You are forgetting proximity powder burns. Heat the screwdiver with a blow torch first.

25. Dave in Texas - December 2, 2006

oooo, yeah, good catch pups

26. Pupster - December 2, 2006


27. Dave in Texas - December 2, 2006

would a screwdiver be a member of the mile low club?

28. lauraw - December 2, 2006


29. Pupster - December 2, 2006

Sleigh bells ring, lauraws bitchin’
In the store, humpy’s itchin’

To take a vaccay, but she’s there to stay
Shipping out your presents over-land

Better ask, for the bulk rate
Double tape, she is irate

You make a mistake, by waiting too late
Shipping out your presents over-land

30. Retired Geezer - December 2, 2006

Bring it in, She can pack it
fragile glass, she won’t crack it.

Tubers and toys, for good girls and boys
Shipping out your presents over-land

Outboard motors, we can do it.
Grand Pianos? Ahh screw it.

The plans that we made, The squirrels we saved.
Shipping out your presents over-land

31. Michael - December 2, 2006

Jeebers, Dave. Yes, I saw that article and then spent about 45 minutes scouring my cerebral cortex with a Brillo pad. Thanks for reminding me.

*Michael clears throat*

I’m dreeeeaming of a freight Christmas
Just like the ones I always hate
Where the patrons are bitching
And parcels I’m pitching
Humpin’ to make sure they’re not late

I’m dreeeeaming of a freight Christmas
I hate that guy from UPS
May this season of hell quickly pass
And you IB folks can kiss my ass

32. PattyAnn - December 2, 2006

I think this is a record. I laughed at every single posting on this. I hope this doesn’t mean I’m beginning to understand y’all. NTTWBABT

33. lauraw - December 2, 2006

You guys. Too much.

34. Dave in Texas - December 2, 2006

Just get your presents shipping their jin-jing jingling way,
I’ve got a truck load of shit, gotta send it over to dayyyy

Her store is full of people waiting till the last minute again,
you know that while she’s bitchin her eye tick’s twitchin in-sane!

Pack it up, tape it up, shove it out,
the door, Let’s bring her some more,
She’s grinding teeth at night you know.
Tape it up, pack it up, shove it up,
your ass. Just cram it up fast.
Oh look here’s a transmission kit
that weighs a thou-sand POUNDS!

Her nails are split and bleedin
no time for readin a book.
Five oclock better get here cause she is wearin that look.

Let’s bring one more damn package
and take ten minutes to choose,
If we should send it 3 day or shippit
overnight while you snooooze!

35. Anna-Lys - December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas on you and Julebocken
from a female Viking 🙂

36. One of My Fondest Christmas Memories « Innocent Bystanders - November 27, 2007

[…] One of My Fondest Christmas Memories November 27, 2007 Posted by daveintexas in Crime, Music, Philosophy, Women Ranting. trackback Writing happy Christmas songs for our dear friend LauraW. […]

37. Retired Geezer - November 27, 2007

[They come]
Dashing through the snow.
To the quick-stop wrap and mail
Better not kill these fools.
Cause I’ll get sent to jail.
You want to ship a Whaaat?
And get it there today?
You want to use my scale?
And you don’t want to pay?

Oooohhhhhhh… You know the rest.

38. Pupster - November 27, 2007

All I want for Christmas is a frozen fish
A frozen fish
A frozen fish
Gee if I could only have a frozen fish,
Then I could give you a con-cus-sion

‘Cause if I hear just one more time
“How much more for next day air delivery?”
I’d swing that mackerel at your head
So fast that it would whistle

All I want for Christmas is a frozen fish
A frozen fish
A frozen fish
Gee if I could only have a frozen fish,
Then I could give you a con-cus-sion

39. Michael - November 27, 2007

*to the tune of “What Child Is This”*

What crap is this that must be sent, to family on this day?
The family will, with voices shrill, toss that junk away.
This, this, is Christmas shit, the sweater that will never fit.
Hail, hail, we pack and ship, your stupid gifts anyway.

40. Michael - November 27, 2007

*To the tune of “Jingle Bells”*

Bubble wrap galore
Styrofoam peanuts
My customers want more
I hate their slimy guts

Give me a frickin’ break
A big grandfather clock
Makes my body ache
Eliminating shock

Pack and ship, pack and ship
Christmas makes me spew
I just need a frozen cod
To whack the IB crew


Thank yew, thank yew verry much.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Elvis has left the stadium!

41. Lipstick - November 27, 2007

But there’s still a creepy guy in a cape hanging around.

Quick, dial 911!


42. mesablue - November 27, 2007


Is that Viking for Juicebox?

43. skinbad - November 28, 2007

Lauraw, the hunchback shipper
had a hump that rocked and rolled.
And if you ever saw it,
it would make your blood run cold.

All of the other morons
used to laugh and sometimes stare.
They never let poor Hunchy
model backless eveningwear.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
An ass-munch came to say:
“Lauraw with dorsal skin so tight,
won’t you send this overnight?”

Then all the vultures loved her
as they shouted out with glee,
Lauraw the customer shredder,
thanks for composting his body!

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