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Jack Move or No Jack Move? December 8, 2006

Posted by BrewFan in Personal Experiences, Science, Women Ranting.

I’m in my cubicle today, clipping my fingernails while I’m monitoring a job thats running and all of a sudden the person who works across the aisle stomps over and says in an outdoor voice, “Hey, are you clipping your fingernails?”. Being an honest sort of fellow I said, “Why yes. Yes I am.” They said, “Well, I can hear it over in my cube and its a very annoying sound, like fingernails on a blackboard!” I’m a consultant and this is a customer so I couldn’t ask the obvious question which was, “Then how do you clip your fingernails? With earmuffs on?”.

Here’s what I want to know; was it a jack move on their part to call me out in front of the office? Or, was it inappropriate to be clipping my fingernails? I’m thinking attention to personal hygiene by a computer nerd should not be discouraged but I may be wrong.


1. Mr Minority - December 8, 2006

The guy was an ass, but since he is your customer, there isn’t anything you can do about it.

Unless you want to slash his tires on your way out. Just saying.

2. Bart - December 8, 2006

Sorry, but that sound is annoying. Do that shit at home…in private.

I don’t even like it when I hear people sniff and blow their noses.

3. Retired Geezer - December 8, 2006

Do you file your nails?

Nah, I throw them away.


4. skinbad - December 8, 2006

Doing them over the garbage can I can live with. If you’re just letting them fly it would bother me. But I wouldn’t have said anything. His was a jack move. A guy in front of me was doing it at church a few weeks ago and I wanted to rap the back of his head with a hymn book. But I used to clean chapels in my college days so that might have come into play. I usually go outside when I need some work done. Then I can nod to my neighbors as they drive by with my big toe in one hand and clippers in the other.

5. lauraw - December 8, 2006

Public nail maintenance is disgusting; but you were in your cubicle. I don’t know how public that is. Its not like you were picking your nose or burrowing in your ears.
I suspect that the problem is, you’re too nice. Nobody messes with the real weird bastards.

You should bring an oiled sirloin to work. When you hear this person’s voice nearby, place the steak on your desk and unwrap it.
Start to slap it in a gently rhythmic fashion. Mutter ‘unh,’ every once in a while.

They’ll leave you alone in the future.

6. Press On Amish - December 8, 2006

The same thing happened to me Brew. And me, being the nonconfrontational type, i just decided to stop cutting my fingernails:

the customer is always right.

7. Enas Yorl - December 8, 2006

Some people are weird about fingernail clipping at the office. I was doing it one time in my cubicle when someone dropped by – If you were to judge by her reaction you’d have thought I was taking a dump in the trashcan. Whatever.

8. Bart talks grooming and other interesting stuff - December 8, 2006

While we on the topic of grooming…

By now, y’all know that I’m a pro-hairless body. Well, I’ve got my routine down to a science. Every Friday afternoon, I can de-hair my entire body in 1 hour.

I use 3 Braun epilators held together with an elastic band. I don’t know what it feels like to get a tattoo, but I can tell you that 80 tweezers at once tweezing your bodyhair doesn’t tickle.

9. daveintexas - December 8, 2006

Groom at home.

Bring the clippings back. Throw them on his keyboard.

10. Mr Minority - December 8, 2006

I can de-hair my entire body in 1 hour.

That was waaaaay too much information for me. I need a vodka tonic now.

11. a-a - December 8, 2006

“I can de-hair my entire body in 1 hour.”

Well im sure it doesnt take too long if youve never developed pubes.

12. Michael - December 8, 2006

Here’s what I want to know; was it a jack move on their part to call me out in front of the office?

Of course. If it was an annoyance, the person could easily have just said so privately and politely. I’m sure you would have respected their sensitivity about it.

I don’t even like it when I hear people sniff and blow their noses.

Bart does not like it when his girlfriend sounds excited, so I would take his opinion with a grain of salt.

A guy in front of me was doing it at church a few weeks ago and I wanted to rap the back of his head with a hymn book.

*astonished stare at skinbad*

In church!?!?!?! An usher should have bludgeoned his head to a bloody pulp with the offering plate.

Here’s a grooming tip — Mrs. Michael just bought us a Phillips sonicare™ electric toothbrush on the recommendation of her dental hygienist. I love that damn thing. I always thought electric toothbrushes were the dumbest idea ever, but this thing is great. Apparently it is some sort of technological advance in the field — it vibrates at approximately one bazillion cycles per second. The bristles are soft and you are supposed to use light pressure, so its actually more comfortable and better for your gums. It beeps and pauses every thirty seconds so you can cover the four major tooth surfaces evenly for the dentist-recommended two minutes of brushing.

13. lauraw - December 8, 2006

We’ve had the sonicare for a couple years and we love it.

Brush heads are kind of spendy though.

Are you telling me you remove all the hair on your entire body? Even down there?

14. lauraw - December 8, 2006

I think if I saw a man that was bald as a baby down there, I


I can’t even finish the sentence. Its too goddamned weird.

15. Pupster - December 8, 2006

I’d say Jack move, most people would not have a problem with it. People who DO have a problem with hearing other people’s noises in cubical land end up muttering to themselves about swing-line staplers and burning things down.

Ode to my cubicle…

16. Mr Minority - December 8, 2006

Since we are talking about grooming etiquette, is it acceptable to pull out those irritating overly long nose hairs that stick out your nostrils in public?

I want to know so I don’t commit a faux paux at a fancy restaurant.

17. daveintexas - December 8, 2006

True lauraw,

But this is hilarious.


18. Mr Minority - December 8, 2006

I think if I saw a man that was bald as a baby down there, I…

Would you put baby powder on it for me? Pleeeeeeease?

19. Enas Yorl - December 8, 2006

There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It’s breath-taking. I suggest you try it.

20. onehorsephoto - December 8, 2006

Clipping your fingernails is fine. So is punching that loud-mouthed MFer right in the face. Makes a great story for the Christmas party.

21. lauraw - December 8, 2006
22. Bart's Girlfriend from Alabama - December 8, 2006

you can cover the four major tooth surfaces

Yep, both top teeth and both bottom teeth.

23. Retired Geezer - December 8, 2006

Am I the only one who uses a file on my nails? I never cut them.
I have a big metal file on my Gerber Macho Tool, it works great.
I guess it’s another division; Cutters and Filers.

Anybody else?

24. Michael - December 8, 2006

Anybody else?

Nope. Nobody else uses shop tools on their nails.

Well, my Dad used a wire cutter on his toenails, but he grew up in the Great Depression. You have no excuse.

25. HayZeus - December 8, 2006

There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It’s breath-taking. I suggest you try it.

😆 If you hadn’t said it I would have. :mrgreen:

26. Spudder - December 8, 2006

There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum

I’d like to try that with Wickedpinto.

*extends talons*

27. Elzbth - December 8, 2006

From clipped fingernails to shorn scrotum in 8 comments. That’s what I love about IB.

28. daveintexas - December 8, 2006

you peeps are insane.

29. sandy burger - December 8, 2006

Brewfan, the guy sounds like a dick.

Having said that, why would you even have nail clippers in the cube with you? Mine are at home in the bathroom cabinet.

30. Michael - December 8, 2006

From clipped fingernails to shorn scrotum in 8 comments. That’s what I love about IB.

There was a time, Elzbth, when I had a dream. I dreamed that I would be the Site Administrator of an intertubes forum devoted to dignified and scholarly discussion regarding matters of public importance.

I had a dream that day.

I dreamed that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed on my website, and all flesh shall see it together!

I dreamed that commenters would come from the red hills of Georgia to Lookout Mountain in Tennessee, all united in contributing their witty comments to a single noble purpose. Our voices would rise together in solemn assembly, and we would say: let freedom ring!!!

From every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, the IB commenters would hasten the day when all of God’s children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, “Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!”


Needless to say, the dream has died. We are talking about clipping nails.

Anyway, I really do endorse the Phillips sonicare™. That is a great little electric toothbrush. Well worth the price.

31. daveintexas - December 8, 2006

I use it on my scrot

32. kevlarchick - December 8, 2006

One Horse, you’re so scrappy lately.

Brew, since you’re a CONSULTANT, you are free to do as you please. Break that bitch.

33. sandy burger - December 8, 2006

I can’t even finish the sentence. Its too goddamned weird.

Extra optical inch, baby.

34. kevlarchick - December 8, 2006

I think over 2/3 of you have a significant buzz on. I’m jealous.

Goodnight sillies. *hugs*

35. Michael - December 8, 2006

Brew, since you’re a CONSULTANT, you are free to do as you please. Break that bitch.

Erm, Brew, I suggest you break that bitch right after you send the last college tuition payment for your youngest.

Which, by the way, I am going to do next week.


36. daveintexas - December 8, 2006

Oh I wish I had a buzz goin.

I’m fixing chairs.

You can’t do that drunk.


37. Bart talks grooming and other interesting stuff - December 8, 2006

Whoa whoa whoa.
I’m not a homo or a weirdo.

Of course I leave a little hair in the, um, nether regions — armpits and between the legs. I trim those areas with my trimmer. Truth be told, if it didn’t hurt so much, I’d get rid of that hair, too.

You ever pull an armpit hair?


But the rest of me is as smooooooth as a bowling ball.

And tanned.

So I’ve got that going for me.

38. lauraw - December 8, 2006

You can’t herd cats, Michael. Sorry. Can’t be done.

You can probably lure them to a few open tins of Fancy Feast and drop a big net on them, though. That would be quite the thing to see, a big net full of angry cats.

Another thing you could do is put the Fancy Feast on a raft just at the edge of a lake, with a rope attached so you could pull the raft afloat and see what they do when they realize they are surrounded by water. That might be interesting.

Another cool experiment: put several tins of Fancy Feast in the bottom of an enormous glass vat, with steps up to the top so that the cats could get up there and jump in. Make sure the walls of the vat are tall enough that the cats can’t jump out. Set up a concrete mixer over the vat, and start slowly dripping concrete in there when you have like two dozen cats in there scrapping over the food. THAT would be pretty cool.

Try this, in a pinch: put like, oh, twenty open cans of Fancy Feast in an empty lot, and wait for the place to fill with cats. In covered cages nearby, you’ll have three hungry baboons, and ONE coyote that is hopped up on methamphetamine….

39. Michael - December 8, 2006

Goodnight sillies. *hugs*

Yeah, goodnight sweetie.

*big friendly hug*


*Michael pretends not to notice soft resilient boobage pressure*

40. lauraw - December 8, 2006

You only spend one hour per week plucking almost all your bodily hair out.

Whew. Glad you let us know you’re not a weirdo, dood. We were worried there.

41. Dave in Texas - December 8, 2006

wood glue.


42. Bart talks grooming and other interesting stuff - December 8, 2006

I’m a multi-tasker, lauraw. I can epilate AND surf the web and talk to imigainary people.

43. Dave in Texas - December 8, 2006




44. Bart talks grooming and other interesting stuff - December 8, 2006

Here’s a tip:

Do you waste money on expensive teeth cleaning at the dentist’s?

Rembrandt makes the best, by far, teeth whitening products. And Listerine just came out with a whitening mouthrinse which is also very good. The key is to swish it around for at least a minute.

My teeth were so white that someone asked me if they were fake. So I eased up on the whitening.

45. lauraw - December 8, 2006


You are funny.

46. Mr Minority - December 8, 2006

I read somewhere that the Betuki tribe in New Guinea shave the hair from their bodies, shaping their genital hair in the shapes of animals, monkeys, panthers, snakes and so forth. But they were also known for having sex with river plants.

Correlation? I have no idea.

47. Michael - December 8, 2006

Sounds like Laura has just about polished off a bottle of wine.

I’m going to sing for her.


*clears throat*

*to the tune of “What Child Is This”*

What crap is this that must be sent, to family on this day?
The family will, with voices shrill, toss that junk away.
This, this, is Christmas shit, the sweater that will never fit.
Hail, hail, we pack and ship, your stupid gifts anyway.

Thank yew, thank yew verrry much.

Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the arena

48. Muslihoon - December 8, 2006

Bart is hereby a certifiable metrosexual.

He must get hit on by men. And women want to shop with him.

Let us take a moment to sympathize.

49. Bart - December 8, 2006

It’s weird.

Men are afraid of me and women are jealous of me.

50. harrison - December 8, 2006

With WP it’s the other way around.

51. Muslihoon - December 8, 2006

Maybe because the men are afraid you’ll turn them; and the women ’cause all the men are fixated on you?

52. daveintexas - December 9, 2006

Here comes UPS
here comes UPS
right down Melody Lane
He’s got Christmas crap
tons of boxes that
made Lauraw in-sane!
Schmucks walk in with the same tired story
“Send my boxes to-daaay”
Pay their charges with rolls of pennies
this goes on for fifteen more daaaaaaays!

53. lauraw - December 9, 2006

Aww its not so bad. The anticipation really is the worst part.

Has been lower volume than usual yesterday & today because of a sudden cold snap. Yesterday 90% of the sparse customers were men whose wives had sent them out into the cold to do errands.

They had no idea what they were shipping or why; they only knew they had to complete the mission.

That was kind of cute.

54. daveintexas - December 9, 2006

Oh hell yes, we know how to follow orders. We only get the dope on a “need to know” basis.

Or, and I’m just saying this is possible, we might have been told exactly what we were doing, and why, but we only committed to memory the executional details of the mission.

In case we uhm, got captured by the enemy and tortured or something.


55. Retired Geezer - December 9, 2006

I think we should take a collection to send Dave in Texas to Lauraw’s place of business.
In disguise, of course.

*Headline – Local Businesswoman Under Indictment for Bizarre Shipping Rage Incident*

56. lauraw - December 9, 2006

spoke too soon about that break I was getting.

10:30 and jsut ran out of places to put things. Another wave pulling up in the lot. I’m not stressing. I have all day, and tomorrow if need be.

57. daveintexas - December 9, 2006

move some hobos around

58. Pecker Problem Perplexes Pediatricians « Innocent Bystanders - December 14, 2007

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59. Dave in Texas - December 14, 2007

I had forgotten how funny this was.

60. IT Consultant Guy - December 14, 2007

I’m clipping my nails at work. So there.

61. Dave in Texas - December 14, 2007

I’m clipping my toenails at work.

62. Retired Geezer - December 14, 2007

There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It’s breath-taking. I suggest you try it.

I meant to ask this before; what is the breath-taking part, the shorning or afterwards?

63. IB Factoid of the Day « Innocent Bystanders - October 19, 2008

[…] has published 3,205 posts and 81,962 comments since we launched on April 1, 2006.  Meaning, our dignified and scholarly discussions regarding matters of public importance result in an  average of 25.6 comments per post.  That strikes me as really high for a site our […]

64. GodocroretA - October 23, 2008

There was this guy see.
He wasn’t very bright and he reached his adult life without ever having learned “the facts”.
Somehow, it gets to be his wedding day.
While he is walking down the isle, his father tugs his sleeve and says,

“Son, when you get to the hotel room…Call me”

Hours later he gets to the hotel room with his beautiful blushing bride and he calls his father,

“Dad, we are the hotel, what do I do?”

“O.K. Son, listen up, take off your clothes and get in the bed, then she should take off her clothes and get in the bed, if not help her. Then either way, ah, call me”

A few moments later…

“Dad we took off our clothes and we are in the bed, what do I do?”

O.K. Son, listen up. Move real close to her and she should move real close to you, and then… Ah, call me.”

A few moments later…


“O.K. Son, Listen up, this is the most important part. Stick the long part of your body into the place where she goes to the bathroom.”

A few moments later…

“Dad, I’ve got my foot in the toilet, what do I do?”

65. eddiebear - October 23, 2008


66. Finally, An Intelligent Discussion Regarding Matters of Public Importance « Innocent Bystanders - April 23, 2009

[…] April 23, 2009 Posted by Michael in News. trackback Finally, a discussion of matters of public importance that comes close to what I had envisioned for Innocent […]

67. Lipstick - February 23, 2011

I can’t believe I never weighed in on this.

No clippy in the office! I had a guy in the next cubicle do this for 2 years and the sound just grated on me. Of course I was too chicken to say anything about it, but your cube is not the place for personal grooming that produces detritus.

68. Michael - February 23, 2011

Man, I have been waiting for four years to find out what Lipstick thinks about this.

I am at peace now.

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