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The paraffin thing February 16, 2007

Posted by daveintexas in Economics.
Tags: ,




That was good.

Lauraw, I highly recommend.

I know, down here in Texas we don’t get winter hands. Not like you yankees do. But I admit I haven’t been taking care of the paws like I should have been, and they were gettin a little rough.

And then I watch this exchange between kevlarchick and lauraw about some kinda paraffin treatment. Like it’s something or whatev. So I ask them. And they titter and ignore me for a while, and then finally give me the details like I’m some kinda cave man or whatever and I can’t appreciate the finer things in life.

Well, I showed them today, yes I did. I asked Mrs. Dave in Texas “what’s up with this paraffin thing”? and she said “call Elaine and see if she can work you in this afternoon”.

Well, Elaine worked me in.

I will do this at least once a month in the winter for the rest of my life. I can’t wait to do my feet.

First, you get a massage. Elbow to pinky rub, with oil first, then lotion. She said that’s the key, oil, then lotion. Well what the hell did I know, I just slather on lotion and hit the bricks. I have been edumacated.

Then, the paraffin. It’s hot wax. You dip your hand in it three times.

I don’t think I can describe this part very well. Go do it and we’ll compare notes.

It was, nice. Yes, that’s the word I will use. Nice.



Then she wrapped my hands in plastic and oven mitts and let me rest for about 10 minutes in one of those massagy chairs. They don’t suck either.

After a while (I made two phone calls it’s easy with the head thingy) she came back and peeled my arms and lotioned em up again and sent me on my way.

I left a generous tip.

And I made an appointment for my feet.

I don’t care what you masculine bastards say to me, if you never try this, then yay for me and screw you.


1. kevlarchick - February 16, 2007

It rocks, no?

Everyone should have this done regularly. It would contribute to world peace.

Chicks really dig non callused hands on a man.

2. harrison - February 16, 2007


3. daveintexas - February 16, 2007


see above.

envy me. cause the chicks are diggin on me.

4. Retired Geezer - February 16, 2007

Where the Heck is that “Cranky Aunt” magazine?

I know it’s here in the Intertube somewhere.

5. Michael - February 16, 2007

Dave, Dave, Dave.

I never thought I would say this.

But please, just post this shit on your own blog and pimp it here, OK?

Man, I have to open a window to get the estrogen out of the air.

6. BrewFan - February 16, 2007

Pick up any good gossip at the beauty parlor?

7. BrewFan - February 16, 2007

Couldn’t you have just melted some candles in the privacy of your own garage? And I’ll bet you didn’t go to the range afterwards; wouldn’t want to scruff up those purty hands so quick.

[hee hee]

8. harrison - February 16, 2007

I keed. I was running a bar in a southern city awhile back and had a friend that was working on her massage degree. Every three weeks or so I would get the 1 hour session at bargain prices ’cause I was handing her card out across the bar. Very good for the overall well-being.

9. Pupster - February 16, 2007

Dave’s gone over to teh throw-pillow side.

We ignored the warning signs…

New boots…

Doesn’t like swimsuit models…

Fawning over recipes…



10. kevlarchick - February 16, 2007

*hands invitation to Dave*

11. Retired Geezer - February 16, 2007

I’m hopin’ Bart will give us some technique tips on proper use of the Epilady.

12. Tushar D - February 16, 2007

Dave, the ladies are treating you like you are one of them.
I think you are turning into a lesbian.
Rosetta will be glad to have you around.

13. Retired Geezer - February 16, 2007

Hey Big Guy, lemme know when you wanna get rid of the Kimber. The checkering on that Beavertail might give you such a scrape!

I’ll give it a good home in I-Dee-Ho.

14. Elzbth - February 16, 2007

Hey, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.

15. The Comish (sic) - February 16, 2007

Comish: “Hmmm….”

[looks around to see if anyone’s watching]

Comish: “… hmmm … uhh …”

[meanders over by the paraffin tub]

Comish: [whistles innocently]

[stands in front of the paraffin tub]

[looks around innocently to see if anyone’s watching]

Comish: “… hmmm …”

[sound of a zipper]

16. The Comish (sic) - February 16, 2007

Comish: [realizes he’ll probably never be allowed to post here again. probably shouldn’t post after drinking.]

17. Lipstick - February 16, 2007

Oh I need one of these treatments.

I’ve got (sob) desert hands!

18. Bugs Bunny - February 16, 2007

My, I’ll bet you monsters lead such innnteresting lives!

19. wiserbud - February 16, 2007

Did you get the French tips too? ‘Cause, from what I’m told, that is the absolute height of sophistication.

20. Michael - February 16, 2007

Hey, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.

That’s exactly how Brewfan came on to me.

21. lauraw - February 16, 2007


I haven’t ever had one, and this…this…man gets one before me.

*runs away crying hot tears of shame*

My hands….they are so rough. I should crawl away and die.

22. Michael - February 16, 2007

Yo Laura. I’m currently trying to mock that religion thread to death at AOSHQ. Wish me luck.

23. Lipstick - February 16, 2007

I want to crawl away in shame too, Laura.

Do you have a spare compost heap I can burrow under?

24. Pupster - February 16, 2007

Hey now!

Compost doesn’t post a lot, but when he does it’s funny!


Oh. Nevermind.

25. daveintexas - February 16, 2007


Ok IB wimmins, I ax you a question.

You know the touch of your man. His palm, fingertips. He’s shown you the goods.

Would you rather have a rough, dry skinned manly ditch digger hand caressing your boobies?

Or paraffin softened, tender warm “my guy” hands caressing your boobies?

I think we all know the answer. And I think half of these knuckleheads will be treating their hands much kinder than they have been.

I like to think this is my little contribution to relationship bliss.

I am a giver. Yes I am.

26. wiserbud - February 16, 2007

I imagine it will cut down on the need for Jergen’s in the DiT household as well.

So you got that going for you!

27. Tres - February 16, 2007

Guy’s ?
Who are you trying to kid here?
You all have a feminine side.
And you all touch it from time to time,
just that in Daves case it’s not going to chap and bleed .

28. Retired Geezer - February 16, 2007

Or paraffin softened, tender warm “my guy” hands caressing your boobies?

*tentatively raises t-shirt*

Just don’t tell Bart.

29. Bart - February 16, 2007

I’m not a wimmin, but I’ll field that question, DinT.

The Pointer Sisters said it best:
I want a man with a slow hand
I want a lover with an easy touch

Wimmin likes their hands just likes they likes their men…

Strong yet gentle. For the lack of a better phrase, women like to be man-handled. They want to be aware of your manly strength and power. But they also expect to be gentle. Yet firm.

Wimmin are funny.

(Oh, by the by, it’s a the mark of a gentleman to notice when his lady’s head is up against the headboard and pull her down the bed.)

30. daveintexas - February 16, 2007

well yeah, obviously

31. Mrs. Peel - February 16, 2007

Hmm, I may have to try this out myself. Anything that could help my hands would be great…my poor skin gets so torn up. Even in the summer, I still have trouble.

32. daveintexas - February 16, 2007

You should give it a shot Mrs. Peel.

It was very nice.

I had to put my hat in the corner, on the something or other.

But I have a sneaking suspicion they have guys with hats show up all the time.

33. lauraw - February 16, 2007

I don’t care if the man’s hands are generally tough, in fact I like it, so long as there isn’t some single sharp edge of dry callous draggin’ crost to irritate me, yannow.

I am so doing the paraffin next week when I get my hair done.
Was supposed to get it done Wednesday night, but they cancelled because of the storm.

To Bart: Because I’m blue-collar born and raised, when I worked in white-collar world I was unpleasantly surprised by the soft silky handshakes of the men there. Eww.
I also hate the feeling of shaking hands with anyone, male or female, who tries to shake with little limp fingers, instead of firmly clasping hands.
I have short little feisty strong hands. Mary Lou-Retton hands.

34. Dave in Texas - February 16, 2007

I can’t wait to compare notes.

It was marvy.

Yes it was.

35. Tres - February 16, 2007

While it’s a great treatment in salon it’s even better at home where you can access it a couple times a week for those really stubborn dry skin problems. They have real nice at home units small, quiet, and inexpensive. If done with a partner not real messy and if you and your partner are the only ones using it and you cleanse the hands fairly well before. You can just peel off the wax and just toss it back in for reuse till it gets cloudy from the dead skin cells. For the most part it’s very hygienic as there’s nothing organic but skin cells and hair in the bath and normally won’t spoil. Two warnings though the feet are way more sensitive than the hands and if you don’t like hot feet this won’t make you happy. Second open sores and or wounds will sting like the dickens and may contaminate the bath. Bonus this was originally used to treat arthritis and they still use it for that function. It’s fantastic for anyone that spends a great deal of time typing really loosens up the hand muscles and relieves joints. Cleaning is easy: they should all come with a light plastic grid for the bottom( it keeps you from touching the bottom of the unit and burning yourself). Take a stiffer but bendable wire coat hanger tends to work best hook it under the grid turn the unit off till the wax becomes a solid cold mass. Turn unit on for 5 mins and you should be able to pull the wax right out extract grid, wipe down and refill.

Former Aesthetician

36. Tres - February 16, 2007

sorry about the length of that im working on my WP merit badge

37. lauraw - February 17, 2007

You have to work on your opacity and offensiveness. I understood and appreciated everything you said.

38. geoff - February 17, 2007

In order to restore the cosmic balance, I’ll be thrusting my hands into hot sand per the standard kung fu training ritual.

I think, BTW, that the most important aspect of a woman’s hands is availability. But if the paraffin makes you happy…

39. Michael - February 17, 2007

I think, BTW, that the most important aspect of a woman’s hands is availability.

That is pretty much true regarding any female body part, if you think about it.

40. Wickedpinto - February 17, 2007

I used to do that with elmers glue, and once it dried I would rub the face of either the nearest friend, or chick that I wanted to offend.

41. Wickedpinto - February 17, 2007

Or paraffin softened, tender warm “my guy” hands caressing your boobies?

Men DEAL! they don’t cheat!

You’re a cheater!

Whats the sense in developing technique when there is a quasi-gay method of dodging the requirements of technique?

If our hands are that soft, then you lose the method of the body hair pet, or the nail pass over the point of the breats, or the nuckle rub.

You are over simplifying DiT. And for that? I will be FURIOUS with you for the next couple of seconds.


Personaly, when I shake hands with men who have soft, and freshly moisterized hands, I don’t trust them(in a proffessional environment anyways) Men should be men, in all their aspects, be it course hands, body odor, farting, or furious masturbation. A Man is a Man. Period.

42. Wickedpinto - February 17, 2007

I think it would have been more funny if I had said “or furious unlubricated masturbation” I think, but I’m not sure.

43. Dave in Texas - February 17, 2007

They be no hangnails or owwie finger thingys on this boy, not that I’m braggin but I am.

44. Knemon - February 17, 2007

So if you already have baby-smooth, pudgy-soft lazy girly-man hands, there’s no need for this treatment, right?


45. Dave in Texas - February 17, 2007

I can’t wait to see how many of you boys go do this and are man enough to admit it.

46. Retired Geezer - February 17, 2007

Gosh, you got me kinda excited about it. Mrs. G and I are going to go to Target today to see if they have a Home Model, so we can do it in the privacy of Camp Geezer.

Then we’re going to Bed, Bath and Beyond to pick out a Duvet.

47. Retired Geezer - February 17, 2007

Then we’re going to Bed, Bath and Beyond to pick out a Duvet.

*Michael fashions noose out of nearest rope*

48. Michael - February 17, 2007

I can’t wait to see how many of you boys go do this and are man enough to admit it.

I’m pretty sure you’re going to be the only one, Dave.

49. Pupster - February 17, 2007

My wife has the home model.

As far as I can tell, it’s primary functions are to hog-up critical bathroom counter space and smell like rotten candles.

Your mileage may vary.

No, I’ve never tried it.

No, I’m not going to.

Man law?

50. BrewFan - February 17, 2007

Man law!

51. BrewFan - February 17, 2007

“No waxing anything unless its your car or part of foreplay” – Man Law IB-1

52. Lipstick - February 17, 2007

I can’t wait to see how many of you boys go do this and are man enough to admit it.

Me: Honey, I’m going to get a paraffin treatment on my hands.

Mr. Lipstick: Sure, Sweetie, whatever you want.

Me: Your hands are pretty dry too…

Mr. Lipstick: *Look of horror* NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

53. Bart - February 17, 2007

This paraffim thing ranks one notch above Manicure on the “Gay things that Men Should Not Do or Wear” list.

1. Make-up
2. Perm
3. High Heels/Dresses
4. Pedicure
5. Parafimm thing
6. Manicure

54. lauraw - February 17, 2007

Bart’s so butch he can’t even spell paraffin.

55. Dave in Texas - February 17, 2007

The only one man enough to admit it Michael?

I can live with that.

56. Michael - February 17, 2007

The only one man enough to admit it Michael?

Let’s just say that this is going to be a special thing about you.

57. geoff - February 17, 2007

Perhaps it’s time to wax poetical.

58. Dave in Texas - February 17, 2007

hold me?

59. geoff - February 17, 2007

Dave in brambles = a Texan in a wicky thicket.

60. Pupster - February 17, 2007

Hot looking British beauticians…check

Furry purple crotch covers…ummm, I’m having second thoughts…

Stick with it, the last 30 seconds are the best.

61. Retired Geezer - February 17, 2007

Attention IB Manly Mens: You can be like Dave.

62. Retired Geezer - February 17, 2007

Dang, my post hit the spam bucket.
It was important too.

63. Michael - February 17, 2007

I found it.

64. compos mentis - February 17, 2007

Without reading a single comment on this thread, I can safely say that is the gayest goddam thing I have ever read.

Turn in your membership card.

65. Retired Geezer - February 18, 2007

I think we can all agree it took the category of Handblogging to a whole new direction level.

Dave, should I go with scented or unscented wax?

Don’t wanna spook the horses, probably unscented, I guess.

66. Retired Geezer - February 18, 2007

Holy Crap!
I just realized the paraffin post has knocked the Jessica Alba bikini post completely off the Top Post list.

67. Michael - February 18, 2007

I’m afraid that God Bless You, Louis Reárd is history.


Oh well, I suppose there are really not that many serious students of English prose in this world who are capable of appreciating the spare wit, elegance and style of that post. It was nice to be appreciated for a while.

68. Bart - February 18, 2007

What’s this have to do with the Parafim thing?

Can’t you stay on topic JUST ONCE in your life?

69. Bart - February 18, 2007

Is it me, or is someone secretly editing comments?

70. Michael - February 18, 2007

It’s no secret, Bart. I edit my own comments all the time. It’s pretty much the only privilege I get for the otherwise thankless task of serving as the Site Administrator.

Well, there is one other cool thing about the job. I have access to the Innocent Bystanders Dashboard Of Knowledge™ which tells me everything about the IB readers. For example, right now you are posting naked while rubbing ointments on hairless skin in order to smooth out the effects of your last visit to the tanning salon.

The Dashboard Of Knowledge™ sees everything.

71. Bart - February 18, 2007

Damn close.

72. lauraw - February 18, 2007


73. Retired Geezer - February 18, 2007

I’m afraid that God Bless You, Louis Reárd is history.

Naaah, three quarters of the traffic on my moronblog is Google searches for Paris Hilton’s Pooter or the World’s Ugliest Dog (could be the same thing).

It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

74. Mrs. Peel - February 19, 2007



75. Michael - February 19, 2007

It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Yeah. For example, 60% of the traffic on Dave’s blog is hits on the Italian Talk Show Hostess, and most of those hits are from me.

Ace is actually quite admirable about this. He knows that sex sells, but he keeps the pandering to a minimum. Ace wants his site to be about right-wing politics, and about Ace and his own whacky sense of humor. When we were guest-blogging, he told us straight up to avoid a lot of sexual stuff.

Ace has a lot of integrity, and I respect that.

76. Retired Geezer - February 19, 2007

When we were guest-blogging, he told us straight up to avoid a lot of sexual stuff.

I enjoyed guest blogging at Ace but it was scary.
Reminds me of the time Jessica Alba spent a week at Camp Geezer. I knew what to do but not how far to go.

On horseback trips.

77. harrison - February 19, 2007

Tourist: How do I get to Ace of Spades HQ?

Local: Practice, my friend, practice.

78. Wickedpinto - February 20, 2007

Mr. Lipstick: Sure, Sweetie, whatever you want.

I thought it was agreed upon by the IB mens, in concert with the discomfort Mr. LS has with being called “Mr. Lipstick” that he is NOT “Mr. Lipstick” OH! you can call him “Mr. LS” if you must insist, but in terms of the rules of guydom, he must be refered to in the long form as “Mr. LONG STICK!”

Even YOU agreed to the basics of that.

Lipstick? Please? You have been caring and feeding your man for sometime. You know he could use this little bit of effort. If you are uncomfortable with typing “Mr Longstick” or “largestick” then just say “Mr. LS,” so that we guys can express our mutual guyness, buy using the full form of the abreviation.

The only way that “Mr. Lipstick” works, is in a way, that you are too classy to be a part of, even though I have no doubt that you are in fact a part of it.

So talk to your husband, discuss it, and I think your husband would FAR prefer being “mr. LS” meaning “longstick” or “largestick” rather than the other insinuation I just made.

Trust me it’s a small thing(in terms of etymology) because there are 2 things guys LOVE about women.

1) obvious (even if it is false) praise of their physical gifts, and prowess

2) the unwillingness of other men to openly hit on their women.

Just saying.

go ahead and THINK! “Mr. Lipstick” but just say “Mister LS” so that he can picture it for himself in the two ways that I described.

“oh but he knows he has me, he doesn’t need that sort of childish reinforcement!” you might think.

Trust me. He does, in fact, that is the BEST kind of reinforcement.

79. lauraw - February 21, 2007

Well, I tried it last night while I was at the salon for a haircut.

I got gypped.
The chickie was not my regular gal, and she obviously wanted to go home early, so she did the absolute minimum of work she had to to get me out the door.

No moisturizer first, no hand massage. Just dip in the wax a few times and wrap.
I was so looking forward to the massage. *HUFF*

Then after the peel-off, she used a wooden stick to blop a little body butter on my hand and said ‘here, rub this in.’
And that was it.

I’ll have a proper treatment done when I go see my nice eyebrow lady later this week.
I’ts beauty week this week for some reason.

80. geoff - February 21, 2007

The chickie was not my regular gal, and she obviously wanted to go home early, so she did the absolute minimum of work she had to to get me out the door.

Probably exhausted after dealing with Dave. Next time make sure you go first.

What? There’s more than one of these places?

(That same errant mental approach led to my stumbling into several gay bars in Long Beach. I figured once I’d identified one, that was it – why would you need more than one? Then I wised up, finally realizing that there was a gay section of Long Beach. so all bars outside that area had to be OK, right? So then I realized that there are gay bars everywhere, and lots of ’em.

Now I’m a little more wary.)

81. lauraw - February 21, 2007

Ah. You thought you found THE gay bar. Pretty funny.

82. kevlarchick - February 21, 2007

Yes, we all need an Eyebrow Lady.

I hope you didn’t tip for that lame hand job. I know geoff wouldn’t.

83. Dave in Texas - February 21, 2007

No hand massage with oil before?

That’s bullshit. Bullshit I say!

You deserve better.

84. Lipstick - February 21, 2007

Lipstick? Please? You have been caring and feeding your man for sometime. You know he could use this little bit of effort. If you are uncomfortable with typing “Mr Longstick” or “largestick” then just say “Mr. LS,” so that we guys can express our mutual guyness, buy using the full form of the abreviation.

Done. And you’re right, Mr. LS likes the idea.

85. geoff - February 21, 2007

I think Mr. LSD has a nice ring to it.

86. geoff - February 21, 2007

After all, he’s been LipStickeD.

87. Michael - February 21, 2007

I remember accidentally walking into a gay bar with some buddies in Seoul, Korea. I happened to enter first. All my “friends” immediately recognized the error and made a hasty U-turn at the door. I just kept walking toward the bar until it finally dawned on me that (1) everyone was looking at me funny, (2) there were no women or non-Koreans present, (3) the decor was unusual, (4) my friends had all disappeared, and (5) I was not in the mood to make new friends.

I have never in my life performed a more awkward exit from any premises than I did on that evening.

My companions were laughing there asses off when I emerged. Then I had to endure endless lame jokes for the duration of the business trip. Bastards.

88. geoff - February 21, 2007

Pretty much had the same experience, but to compound my embarrassment, I blurted out “That’s a gay bar!!” as I exited, much to the amusement of those inside and out. Dignity. My watchword has always been dignity.

89. The Ghey Koreans - February 21, 2007

He riked us a rot the second time he came in bar.

90. compos mentis - February 21, 2007

Next we get to hear about Michael’s Buttman and Throbbin’ fantasy.

91. daveintexas - February 21, 2007

Asia is an easy place to make a bad decision fast.

92. sandy burger - February 21, 2007

I sometimes go to gay bars in San Francisco with a friend of mine who lives there. I’m sure there are some pretty freaky places, but the ones I’ve been to are pretty normal. Well, aside from the fact that almost everybody there is gay, that is. What I mean is, it’s not like I had to worry about getting raped in the bathroom or something; people just drink beer and chat like in any other bar.

Not a great place to meet women, though.

93. Dave in Texas - May 2, 2007

I hope you didn’t tip for that lame hand job. I know geoff wouldn’t.

Lame hand job? How bad can they be?

94. Noooooooooooooo!!!!!! « Innocent Bystanders - May 4, 2007

[…]   That’s right, you are looking at a paraffin bath in my master bathroom, purchased by Mrs. Michael today. She has been reading this site, and was seduced by a post published here by the Antichrist in Texas. […]

95. Dave in Texas for President! « Innocent Bystanders - January 25, 2008

[…] 2. Paraffin waxer. […]

96. Geoff Is Worthless « Innocent Bystanders - April 28, 2008

[…] and I’m interested in skin care (so long as it does not involve Texas gay stuff like paraffin wax baths, because I would never do […]

97. indoor playground - July 6, 2019

indoor playground

The paraffin thing | Innocent Bystanders

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