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The Official Innocent Bystanders Anniversary™ March 30, 2007

Posted by Michael in Websites.

According to Geezer, this coming Sunday is the Official Innocent Bystanders Anniversary™.

 (Not  “Blogiversary” — an expression used at other sites which I hate and which does not apply to IB.)

The earliest posts were actually in late March of 2006, when we were kind of getting organized, but April 1 was the official day when we installed the Sitemeter and went public.

To celebrate this occasion, we are preparing a number of festive events and promotional offers.

 1.  Free manicures and paraffin hand treatments by Dave in Texas, who has been diligently researching this subject (at the cost of his manhood).

 2.  Free full-body Epilady hair removal by Bart.

3.   Free horse rides from Retired Geezer.

4.  If you are lonely, Skinbad will sign you up for free  weekly home visits from missionaries.  Pupster can vouch for the efficiency of this service.  *Bing bong*

5.  For free, Kevlarchick will open her mini-blinds at a strategic time designated in advance.  (Michael will advise as to the proper bush you should hide behind for the correct viewing angle.)

6.  Laura will ship water lily tubers to anyone who asks, for free!

7.  Free travel advice from Lipstick regarding any frickin’ place on earth you might want to visit.  (When you get there, note that her footprints are still showing.)

8.  Free deletion of six offending comments at IB, courtesy of Brewfan, the Assistant Site Administrator.

9.  Free initial legal consultation  from Sobek (that means he gets a chance to present you with his contingent fee contract).

10.  Free tutorial from Mrs. Peel on your choice of (1) John Steinbeck, (2) Fun facts about electromechanical energy, (3) How to have a great time at the Renaissance Festival, or (4) How to sell a Jeep Cherokee.

11.  Free emergency kit of Adult Pampers and Handi-Wipes designed by Compos Mentis.

12.  Free sleep aids from Geoff (these are actually just the graphs from his blog, which analyze something to death).

13.  Whatever you want for $200 from Feisty.

Thanks to all of you for volunteering these services to make the Innocent Bystanders Official Anniversary™ a big success. 

Any additonal suggestions or offers to make this event special would be welcome in the comment thread below.


1. Michael - March 30, 2007

Hey Skinbad, the Jazz got their asses kicked tonight. 🙂

2. Retired Geezer - March 30, 2007

With each free Horse Ride, you get your picture taken with Spudder the Feral Cat.

3. Retired Geezer - March 30, 2007

Michael usually comes up with an appropriate song.

*taps foot*

OK, who wants cake?

4. daveintexas - March 30, 2007

I am shameless.

Happy Anniversary.

5. eddiebear - March 31, 2007

Maybe RG should provide some “memorabilia” from his showbiz days (or at least something involving Boise State and the Fiesta Bowl), Laura should offer to ship one of those attack squirrels, Michael should send out sutographed photos of him in his Batman garb, or Dave should offer to engrave your name on one of the bricks of his hot tub.

6. eddiebear - March 31, 2007

Damn. I meant “autographed”.

7. eddiebear - March 31, 2007


While I appreciate the cake offer, I am still trying to finish off the cake and ‘Nilla Wafers Cheesecake/Cupcakes my wife made for our daughter’s second 2nd B-Day Party last week.

8. Retired Geezer - March 31, 2007

Memorabilia… hmmmm.

OK, Just for Eddiebear

Why you insert a pause between Okla and homa.

9. Elzbth - March 31, 2007

Has it really been a year? I remember the beginning, ’cause I was there. So was the couch. And the pony. I had nothing to do with either, by the way.

10. Feisty - March 31, 2007

13. Whatever you want for $200 from Feisty.

Except anal and things like “hey Feisty, come over and rake my leaves.”

11. Pupster - March 31, 2007

14. A personalized Wicked Pinto stream of consciousness post, just submit a topic (and a “safe word”).

Congratulations Bystanders!

12. Dave in Texas - March 31, 2007

I was going to say “paint my house” but you already know the joke Feisty.

(at the cost of his manhood).

small price to pay really. no big deal.

13. harrison - March 31, 2007

April 1st, eh? How appropriate.
Congrats to us.
It couldn’t’ve happened to a better bunch of folks.

14. Michael - March 31, 2007

I forgot — Barb the Evil Genius is offering a free home defense system (consisting of one Lutheran Tuna Casserole suitable for throwing at intruders).

15. BrewFan - March 31, 2007

What about RWS? How about a sex chat?

16. Michael - March 31, 2007

That’s a great idea, Brew! I don’t know why I didn’t think of it. Let’s add it to the top of the list:

1. Call 1-900-SPARKLE™ for 20 minutes of free hot sex chat. Moans and heavy breathing included!

(Maybe we should make that 10 minutes. I don’t want anyone to hurt themselves.)

17. harrison - March 31, 2007

I just tried that number. It’s $9.99/minute with a twenty minute minimum.
But worth it!

18. daveintexas - March 31, 2007

Barb the Evil Genius (did I spell that correctly) could just leave it on the porch.

Dogs will bark. Children will cry. It won’t be pretty.

I think she should send some to the Sunni triangle. Kick those effers around with some serious ordnance.

19. Russ from Winterset - March 31, 2007

I could set them up with front-row tickets to my new one man Kabuki adaptation of “Come Back to the Five and Dime, spurwing plover, spurwing plover”. I feel that the subject matter will help this four-hour epic make up for the fiasco that happened when I tried an interpretative dance number based on the collected works of Wickedpinto.

Twenty minutes of hot talk from RWS? Does that have to be 20 CONSECUTIVE minutes, or could you break it up into four 5-minute segments…….or maybe even ten 2-minute ones? Not that I would need that sort of an option, youknow. I’m just asking for a friend……yeah, that’s it. A friend.

20. harrison - March 31, 2007

40 half-minutes?

[Note from Site Administration: Dude, you could at least pretend to be a Minuteman!]

21. Feisty - March 31, 2007

1. Call 1-900-SPARKLE™ for 20 minutes of free hot sex chat. Moans and heavy breathing included!

Funny inside joke there. Although, as far as I remember, the caller must moan and breathe heavily for her to know what to do.

22. daveintexas - March 31, 2007

busy signal

23. Michael - March 31, 2007

Although, as far as I remember, the caller must moan and breathe heavily for her to know what to do.

Good tip, Feisty! I think most of us can figure out how to vocalize so Sparkle gets the proper cues.

Oh, by the way, Sparkle sent me an email, and she gaurantees that she will be wearing a cheerleader outfit when you call!!!

P.S. If, during your “session,” she happens to call you President McCain, just ignore it.

P.P.S. Sparkle, please don’t hate me. You know me. I’m Lutheran. You should have low expectations. 🙂

24. Wickedpinto - March 31, 2007

8. Free deletion of six offending comments at IB, courtesy of Brewfan, the Assistant Site Administrator.

Yeah courtesy of the ASA, but at the expense of me.

25. harrison - March 31, 2007

[Note from Site Administration: Dude, you could at least pretend to be a Minuteman!]

It was for Russ’ “friend.”

26. Barb the Evil Genius - March 31, 2007

Alright, alright, I’m busy making the Tuna Casserole even as we speak. But you know, we *did* just have a potluck at church this Wednesday night.

And yes, Dave, you spelled it correctly.

27. Michael - March 31, 2007

And yes, Dave, you spelled it correctly.

Dang, you people are so unforgiving. It’s tough to be a spelling Nazi when you forget to spellcheck your own comments.

Hey, I’m the Site Administrator. I’m just going to scroll up and correct that little faux pas.

28. geoff - March 31, 2007

…and your italics end tags, too.

29. Dave in Texas - March 31, 2007

Michael, I keed because I love.

Ok gang, off to see the Praha Bros. I look sharp.

They’ll ask me to play a few tunes in the second set. Should be fun.

30. Michael - March 31, 2007

…and your italics end tags, too.

Screw you, Geoff. Go make a graph about something!

31. eddiebear - March 31, 2007


Thanks and well played! Sorry I didn’t respond earlier, but I was out all day at a family gathering and didn’t return until 8PM.

Seeing that picture prompted me to dig out a picture I had taken at a charity trivia night about 18 months ago. It involved something for the children. We won against a table sitting next to us with a woman who can hear but is a teacher at the local Central Institute for the Deaf (I remembered her because her sons were there as well and were high school classmates of mine). She is an expert lip-reader, and I noticed when I caught a glimpse of her staring at our table as we discussed our answers.

Anyway, enough of that. Here’s the picture.

32. Michael - April 1, 2007

Eddiebear, I had forgotten that you live in St. Louis. I used to live just a few miles from CID (I was in Tower Grove East — CID is in the Central West End). It’s an institution that St. Louis can justifiably be proud of.

Those are two hot ladies in that picture. I always thought that St. Louis had more than its fair share of good-looking women.

33. Michael - April 1, 2007

Wow, I’ve just been looking at the website of my old church — Messiah Lutheran on South Grand. When my kids were little they went to Messiah Lutheran School, which was just around the corner from our house. That brings back a lot of memories.

34. eddiebear - April 1, 2007

Yeah. I screwed it up by being in the picture, though. The missus is still a bit tweaked about the picture, even though she was there at the time. And besides, it was for the children. Or something. Either way, the important thing was that the beer was free. Also, some lady from St Louis won Miss America recently and is now on that Dancing WIth The Stars show. I don’t know her name, but she is hot.

My high school was about 15 feet south of CID on Oakland Ave south of US 40 and near where you stayed. That’s why so many of us did our senior service projects there. That month absolutely opened my eyes and changed my perceptions of people. As for my old scool, the Jesuits who run it have bought up so uch land to create a “fortress campus” complete with gates, fences and the like. I should know. I receive fundraising requests all the time. They all cite somewhere in there “Admajorem Deo Gloriam” at some point. As if a new football stadium is doing the Lord’s work.

As for the ladies, I agree there are many good looking ones. My wife is included in that mix. I am truly fortuntate. She is smart, good looking and cultured. All things I am not. Sadly, I am reluctant to publish her (or my daughter’s) pictures. I may be a pale, fat slob who works too much with numbers, but they are off limits.

35. eddiebear - April 1, 2007

The Grand/Arsenal area is experiencing explosive growth. It is so different from what it was 10 years ago. A bunch of “Flip That House” types have been buying up homes nearby and renovating them. A lot of young professionals are moving into that area, and the MO Botanical Garndens in Tower Grove Park is now one of the best plant places in the country. My wife likes to take oyr daughter to the new play area for children that is supposed to resemble Mark Twain’s Missouri.

36. eddiebear - April 1, 2007
37. Michael - April 1, 2007

I remember when the Japanese Garden at the Mo. Botanical Gardens was fairly new, and the annual Japanese Festival was just taking off. The Taiko Drummers they would bring in from Japan were always a big hit.

We were Members at MBG. If memory serves, that place was always good for a spectacular orchid show about this time of year.

38. eddiebear - April 1, 2007

I’m not sure about the orchids, but for the Japanes Gardens, they now have Sumo exhibitions every year. They also had a fantastic Chihuly display for all of 2006. They bought for $1mil one of his displays for permanent exhibition. To me, the roses are the best.

My daughter loves to feed the Koi at the Japanese Garden as well.

39. Michael - April 1, 2007

BTW, I learned an important life lesson at MBG — an unattended male with infant is irresistible to women.

When Son Michael was a few weeks old, I took him by myself to MBG for a stroll in the Climatron. It was the dead of winter, and I just thought he should experience the sights and smells of a tropical rain forest. So I was walking around, holding him up to flowers and stuff. It was amazing. Women were just coming up to me like I was magnetic.

I’m really looking forward to being a grandfather.

40. Michael - April 1, 2007

They also had a fantastic Chihuly display for all of 2006.

We had the Chihuly display here in Columbus a couple of years ago. It was great. As you gaze upon one glass sculpture after another, it’s hard to figure whether he is more fixated on penises of vaginas. He keeps you guessing about that.

41. Michael - April 1, 2007

To me, the roses are the best.

The English garden is a real gem, just to stroll, sit and relax in the shade. It’s near the old Henry Shaw home. I also like the lawns where all the crocuses pop up in the early spring. They are dense like weeds on that lawn, and they just make you feel better after a long winter.

I also like the original name of MBG — Shaw’s Gardens. When I lived there, that is what people still called it. It resonates with the history of that very special place, and a unique man.

42. Michael - April 1, 2007

Little known fact — thanks to Henry Shaw, that area of St. Louis (including my former yard) is the host to really big earthworms that are native to Africa.

43. Wickedpinto - April 1, 2007

Back when I had my maltese, I lied about my maltese all the time.

My poochy would growl and snip at any stranger who approached me, but cus it was a maltese chicks would approach me all the time, cuz he was a well. . .

I mean, maltese are about the cutest damn things ever created.

Anwyays, (no leash) my little macky would growl and snip at air, and be tough, then I would calm him while I would say, “he needs to see us touch, and realize we aren’t enemies, just be calm.”

then my little pussbag poochy would set the stage for easy entrance pooteroconnivization.

44. Wickedpinto - April 1, 2007

I know that my second cousin hooked me up a bunch of times, can you imagine what my nephew or niece could deliver?

45. Wickedpinto - April 1, 2007

Quick note:

I know the potential, but while I recognized the potential while I would care for my cousins daughter, I never took advantage of it, it actually made me feel dirty, what kinda retarded whore needs something thrown in her face like that?

I saw it basicaly as that chick saying “I’m a skank, but give me one excuse, OH! what a cute excuse!” But that excuse was MY cousin, and hypotheticaly in the future, MY nephew/niece.

You know what skanks? the reason you can’t find good men is because you are always looking for excuses. STOP!

Just be a woman, and be the woman that you are. You will find that most men actually like real people.

46. Wickedpinto - April 1, 2007

and most men like real women.

I’m just saying (noone share any of this anywhere, or I will have to go into a few months of dick jokes to rehabilitate my reputation)

47. Retired Geezer - April 1, 2007

The missus is still a bit tweaked about the picture,

Good thing you didn’t work with me at my last job

48. Retired Geezer - April 1, 2007

it’s hard to figure whether he is more fixated on penises of vaginas

Penises of Vaginas? That’s the little man in the boat, right?

49. Retired Geezer - April 1, 2007

Speaking of Chihuly, Mrs. Geezer gets a little woody excited when you mention his name. We went to see him speak in Boise a couple of years ago.

If you like Stained Glass, you should go visit the museumofglass.org in Tacoma, Washington. We went there to see the Chihuly exhibit in 2003.

50. Retired Geezer - April 1, 2007

*not trying to match the WP comment count*

Today was the day that Daylight Savings Time *used* to happen. I advanced our clocks manually 3 weeks ago but the bedroom clock is a Smart Clock so it did it again today. Looks like we won’t have the usual scramble to get to church on time today.

Anybody else have that happen?

51. Retired Geezer - April 1, 2007

Chihuly exhibit in 2003.

Did I mention I got an hour’s less sleep?

52. eddiebear - April 1, 2007


I bow before my superiors. All I work with is a bunch of fat old men.

As for accidental chick magnets, my daughter seems to be one as well. When I take her to the park, all kinds of wimmins come out of nowehere and want to talk, even though I am not a prize and have the look of a married dude. Me, I’m just interested in ensuring The Little Princess doesn’t fall off the swing. Besides, I just couldn’t imagine the strain, headaches and financial stress of having two women at the same time.

53. Dayngr - April 1, 2007

Happy Birthday Blog and Happy Blogiversary. It’s mine as well. Keep up the good work!

54. skinbad - April 1, 2007

Late to the party. Yes, Michael, the Jazz continued their 25-year (or something like that) losing streak in San Antonio. It’s hard to talk smack when your opponent can just point at the scoreboard.
The Spurs are good, but the Jazz are improved. We’ll see.

RG, we were visiting my folks over the weekend and my Dad’s watch did a funny hiccup. It went back an hour, which is not what I would have expected. Then this morning, it fixed itself.

It’s been good to know you all in this weird way for the past year. Thanks for making this a fun hangout.

55. Wickedpinto - April 2, 2007

Yeahp RG,

I freeked out for a minute, when I realized that all my clocks were “wrong” except for my “smart clock.”

Then I got online, and tuned into the weather channel, and TV guide, and I realized, that computers ain’t that Effing bright.

Reality is a much better measure of reality, than compu-lazi-automitimizition.

56. The Official Innocent Bystanders Anniversary™ « Innocent Bystanders « Think Tankers - April 2, 2007

[…] Happy belated anniversary, y’all. Keep up the good work, because anyone can blog…   […]

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