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Noooooooooooooo!!!!!! May 4, 2007

Posted by Michael in Man Laws, Personal Experiences, Philosophy, Politics, Religion.

Deep down, I always knew this would happen. I knew  that the day would come when the seemingly harmless hobby of commenting at Innocent Bystanders would have terrible repercussions.

That day has come. Evil has invaded my home.

This is Dave's Fault


That’s right, you are looking at a paraffin bath in my master bathroom, purchased by Mrs. Michael today. She has been reading this site, and was seduced by a post published here by the Antichrist in Texas.

Now it is sitting in my bathroom. Calling to me. Beckoning. Looking at me with open yearning. Trying to make me a homosexual.

I swear on the grave of each and every one of my alcoholic Swedish ancestors (my mother’s side of the family) — I will not succumb! I will not degrade my hands in a paraffin bath!!!

Man, I am upset. I need to regain my composure. I need an excellent music selection.


Actually, it’s not entirely Dave’s fault. The real villain is Ron, the construction contractor in charge of our ever-expanding kitchen renovation project (+hall +foyer+bar+laundry room). Apparently Ron the Contractor suffers from chapped hands, and he was telling Mrs. Michael that the paraffin thing was really great.

Bastard! I should fire his ass.


1. daveintexas - May 4, 2007

It’s entirely my fault Michael.

The contractor thing.

Total bullshit.

2. Elzbth - May 4, 2007

Give in to the dark side, Michael.

3. Michael - May 4, 2007

It’s entirely my fault Michael.

You’re just trying to protect Ron. I’m thinking I’ll outsource his job to Bangalore. Or maybe Northern Virginia. I bet I could get HayZeus to take his place.

4. daveintexas - May 4, 2007

I think I neglected to mention I had a full manicure today.

Dang my hands feel good!

5. mesablue - May 4, 2007

I bet that thing would hold a bunch of chili cheese dip.

6. Michael - May 4, 2007

Dang my hands feel good!

Get thee behind me, Dave in Texas.

7. daveintexas - May 4, 2007


give it a shot.

8. daveintexas - May 4, 2007

I need an excellent music selection.

You’ve needed one for months.

9. Mrs. Michael - May 4, 2007

Maybe you’re looking at this all the wrong way.
Soft hands offer benefits… …for others.

10. daveintexas - May 4, 2007

I recall this particular advantage being forwarded.

You don’t need soft hands.

Just shave off the hangy thingys.

11. mesablue - May 4, 2007

I tried to de-gheyify this thread. But nooooo, DinT takes it to new levels.

12. geoff - May 4, 2007

Get thee behind me, Dave in Texas.

So much for avoiding homosexuality.

13. genghis - May 4, 2007

Mesa has the right idea…it’s a fondue pot.

Try using flavored wax (or even liquored-up wax)

As to Mrs. Michael’s comment, it’s also a boon to us single guys. I’m sure I’d appreciate a soft hand once in a while.

14. Feisty - May 4, 2007

Ah the complaints of the privileged. Send it to me if you don’t want it!! A girl needs soft hands as to not chafe…well…you know.

15. Michael - May 4, 2007

Ah the complaints of the privileged.

Bite me. Your little house in the slums of St. Paul, with an actual dirt-patch yard, is a lot nicer than than the 50X12 trailer that I was living in at your age. Don’t play the fucking “privileged” card on me, missy.

16. Wickedpinto - May 4, 2007

I have not been turned, but I think that as long as you START! with shaving your sack, and dipping your sack first, then, you are less a chick, and more a porn star.

Look at it that way, and I suggest, you trim first, then use a mach 3 for the actual close shave, then you powder your junk, and THEN dip it.

At least that is the regimine I would follow.

17. Wickedpinto - May 4, 2007

Awww, the poor tax lawyer michael is better off than the desperate red headed whore, who doesn’t relize that shit dies in old homes.

Pick on someone your own size (btw, I’m not even close to your size economicaly, you should fight with sobek)

18. Michael - May 4, 2007

Wow, Pinto, I hadn’t thought of that. You could use that paraffin bath on your junk.

Plus, I actually use a Mach 3 razor. Hmmm.

19. Wickedpinto - May 4, 2007

I suggested it to Dave about a month ago.

Though in a guy sorta way.

20. Michael - May 4, 2007

Pick on someone your own size

I already told you — I’m cranky. I miss Bart. I’ll pick on Feisty if I feel like it.

21. Wickedpinto - May 4, 2007

Michael when you have an appadravia the options expand exponentionaly.

22. Wickedpinto - May 4, 2007

Feisty ain’t posting, you are kicking a dog that only barks, but barely growls!!!

MAN up Michael and be fair. Even _I_ did that you meany!!!

(of course you know I’m dicking around right?)

23. Michael - May 4, 2007

Give me a break. I’m showing some restraint. I haven’t called Feisty a Calvinist yet.

24. Wickedpinto - May 4, 2007

I don’t even know what that is, but I’m offended, or am I I don’t know, I’m something, and I will elaborate at my own convience!

25. Wickedpinto - May 4, 2007

I already told you — I’m cranky. I miss Bart.

Do you wanna dip your junk in bart? I think Bart would oppose that process.

26. Michael - May 4, 2007

See, I would not hesitate to tell Feisty that she is a supercilious bitch. Which is true. That’s just moderate and fair-minded criticism.

But you gotta really despise someone before you call them a Calvinist.

27. Wickedpinto - May 4, 2007

Please expand on calvinism, I read about portions of it in the 1632 series by eric flint, but I never got a taste of what it means.

How is calvanism more heretical than luterin offshoots from the kingdeom of christ that is catholicism?

28. Wickedpinto - May 4, 2007

Oh shit, you ACTUALLY WILL expand on what a calvinist is.

29. Sobek - May 4, 2007

WP, I don’t think I’m in the same financial league as Michael. There’s an old saying that if you live like a lawyer in law school, you’ll live like a law student when you start practicing law. I think the same goes when you start popping out babies while in law school.

I’ve got the education to get into Michael’s league one day, but I sure ain’t there yet.

30. Michael - May 4, 2007

How is calvanism more heretical than luterin offshoots from the kingdeom of christ that is catholicism?

WP, the specific debate I’ve been having with with Brewfan has to do with the Calvinist doctrine of eternal security (which Lutherans reject), which in turn relates to the doctrine of election (which Lutherans endorse).

In short, Calvinists believe in the notion of “once saved, always saved.” In other words, if there is a moment in time when you genuinely accept Jesus, you can’t thereafter lose your faith or your place in heaven.

Lutherans, (and, to a greater extent, Catholics) teach that faith requires some maintenance, with the ministry of Word and Sacrament, and that faith can be lost.

There are biblical passages that go both ways. I personally think it’s just one of those things we will never fully understand.

31. Wickedpinto - May 5, 2007

“once saved, always saved.”

I totaly read that on first pass as “once shaved, always shaved” But I’m a perv.

32. Barry in CO - May 5, 2007

Do it. You know you want to.

33. Dave in Texas - May 5, 2007

I often marvel that Lutherans find God this weak.

Did I say often? I meant occasionally.

34. mesablue - May 5, 2007

Calvinists also believe in predestination and a finite Heaven — some crazy stuff.

I was born in Grand Rapids, MI to a Dutch mommy. My grandfather was a Christian Reformed minister before the “Big Split”. He was pretty much agnostic after that. A bunch of hypocritical bastards if you ask me. Stoves in the basement, pregnant teenagers (not allowed to do anything else), bars with darkly lit rear entrances and bonus points for turning in your neighbors to an elder for anything and everything.

I got a kick out of telling the zealots that I was a Catholic everytime they tried to castigate me for playing outside on Sunday — I was only four years old. We then moved to Chicago and away from the crazy people.

I dated a bunch of chicks that went to Calvin College (think hot Dutch chicks), Ann Arbor was a little lacking in comparison — those girls had some skills that mommy and daddy would not be proud of. Oh, and Hope College girls were the bomb diggity. God, I miss those days.


35. mesablue - May 5, 2007

We moved to Wheaton, though.

If you know anything about Wheaton, you’ll see the humor in that.

Think Billy Grahamm.

36. Feisty - May 5, 2007

Don’t play the fucking “privileged” card on me,…

Hey, I lived in the trailer from 2001-2003…Paid $10,000 for it, and the county auctioned it off when I couldn’t pay my $400 lot rent for a few months, and no one even bid $1000 on it, so the park took it over and I was left with nothing. That thing’s pipes always froze in the Winter, for example, and when I was too poor to unthaw them (it was about $120 per unthaw), the sewer pipe would back up solid with ice, so when I’d flush the toilet, the toilet waste would back up into the bathtub. This happened about 3 times per Winter. For Winter ’01 and Winter ’02, I lived in this trailer with a non-functioning furnace that did nothing but switch off and on every once in awhile, just enough to keep it about 45 degrees in there and saturate the joint with deadly carbon monoxide. I’d be dizzy and short of breath each morning (sometimse to the point of being unable to stand up) and would take CO breaks by heating the trailer with the oven, which kind of sucked because the bedrooms and the kitchen were on opposite ends of the joint, so I’d sometimes sleep on the couch and push it near the oven.

This is around the time of the genesis of the necessity of whoredom, BTW. I”m TRYING to claw my way out of this bullshit….The slums of St. Paul are torturesome in a different sense, but at least I have a friggin’ heater.

37. Barb the Evil Genius - May 5, 2007

If you need some back-up, Michael, I’m there for ya. Or, you know, I could just stay out of it.

38. Wickedpinto - May 5, 2007

I was actually being facetious (what the hell is the spelling of that?) I didn’t mean to be a dick.

39. Michael - May 5, 2007

Hey, I lived in the trailer from 2001-2003…

Feisty, I really don’t think you’re going to beat me at the poverty game.

Have you stood in line at Krogers and paid for your groceries with the embarrassing funny money? You know, the multi-colored and extremely conspicuous USDA Food Stamps?

Did you ever sell your beloved twelve-string guitar so you could take your girlfriend on a date?

That thing’s pipes always froze in the Winter, for example, and when I was too poor to unthaw them

That just means you’re dumb. In the fall, you gotta get some crummy clothes on, crawl under your trailer and wrap those PVC water pipes with heat tape, especially when you live in places like Minnesota or Michigan.

Even if they’ve already been taped, you gotta check for short circuits. You can see the burn of the short circuit on that tape.

I learned this the hard way.

40. Michael - May 5, 2007

Or, you know, I could just stay out of it.

Stay out of it. The doctrine of election is a dead end.

41. daveintexas - May 5, 2007

even when I was poor, I was rich.

I was blessed beyond my capacity to take it in.

I was loved, and I did nothing to earn or deserve it.

I still don’t deserve it. And yet I still am. More than I know how to express.

42. Feisty - May 5, 2007

Um…i HAD heat tape…when it’s 10 below in MN, the heat tape sometimes isn’t adequate…in addition to the $120 thaw charges, I replaced the heat tape as well to the tune of $500 once that I remember. If you want an itemized list, I can go down it…There was a plumbing issues with the sewer pipe that caused it to freeze, and there’s no heat tape for underground sewer pipes…So, my park would pay for that to get un-froze in addition to what I’d pay to get my personal pipes to get unfrozen. It was basically a disgusting mess all the time in the winter.

I never had foo-stamps…I did, however, have medicaid for a little bit, but since my income WAS above the maximum by always about $50 per month, I just said fuck it and paid for my insulin and shit out of pocket. i shopped at Aldi for food to save money and in my mom’s cupboards when there was no money for food. I at least had my mom to hit me up with a bag or two of groceries if i needed them.

Now I’m considered “solid middle class” but am still paying back the debts generated in 2001…I went from $80 in credit card debt to >$60,000 in three years due to Mr. Fabulous’ jail, drinking, gambling, and impulsive shopping coupled with my belief that he, with his college degree and whatever else, would seek and keep employment. So my middle class money all goes to debt…now I’m just fucked if a big expense comes up or, as in the case this past year, if I’m targeted for vandalism and theft monthly. Otherwise, I’m still stingy like I’m living in the trailer with my food and clothes and other miscellany.

In short…enjoy the fact that you have your parafin scrub thingy.

43. Michael - May 5, 2007

I still don’t deserve it. And yet I still am. More than I know how to express.

Dave. you sound like you’re high on Vicodin again and you’re about to go paraffin dippin’. You’re just about ready to “chance some springtime awakening.”

44. Michael - May 5, 2007

I replaced the heat tape as well to the tune of $500 once that I remember.

See, once again, that just proves you’re dumb. The heat tape is cheap. You just need to get some shitty clothes on, crawl under the trailer, and wrap those pipes.

I just said fuck it and paid for my insulin and shit out of pocket.

You’ve got me beat on the health issues. I can’t compete with diabetes. I’m ridiculously healthy, thanks to Michael’s Fitness Regimen™ of Jack Daniels and Marlboro Lights.

45. steve_in_hb - May 5, 2007

For Michael and Feisty:

46. Feisty - May 5, 2007

Exaaactly, steve. BTW, steve, email for crapsakes. You know what I’m talking about.

Michael, you try to put heat tape on when it’s 8 or 15 below outside when you’re a 21 year old girl with a useless degenerate male living with you who paid the kid next door to mow the lawn….OF A MOBILE HOME LOT when we had a lawnmower. $500 is worth it when it’s that cold out. You can’t even run to the car in the morning without getting frostbite.

Remember, the shitty part of this whole story is that after I got enough together to fix the heat tape, buy a new furnace, and all that, my mobile home was auctioned off by the county to pay back lot rent and I got nothing.

47. genghis - May 5, 2007

What a bunch of poverty wusses. Every once in a while, if my manservant isn’t around, I actually have to issue a command to my voice-activated digital thermostat. I truly cry no tears for you.

48. daveintexas - May 6, 2007

I was born a poor black child.

49. lauraw - May 6, 2007

$60,000 Feisty? What a fucking waste.

I’m usually against it, but have you looked into bankruptcy? I understand the law has changed, but maybe you could still lighten your load.

50. Michael - May 6, 2007

In short…enjoy the fact that you have your parafin scrub thingy.

Now that was just a mean thing to say. 🙂

51. composmentis - May 7, 2007

Get thee behind me, Dave in Texas.

So much for avoiding homosexuality.

LOL geoff! I’m really disappointed in myself that I didn’t think of that, but that just made it funnier when you said it. You funny f’er.

And yes, I’m just now reading this thread for the fist, er, I mean first time.

52. John - May 16, 2007

Huh, who would have thought? I stumble across a straight man’s blog only to find something, well…so damn gay! Sheesh I’m gay and never even heard of this parrafin hand thingie before.

Btw, Wickedpinto with a blog? Shit. I blame Ace. Now his moron minions are spreading the message and the world will never be the same…

53. Michael - May 16, 2007

Glad I could help point you towards getting gayer, John. (Actually, Dave in Texas deserves all the credit.)

Thanks for visiting.

54. Michael - May 16, 2007

BTW, John, did you like my excellent music selection for this post?

I thought it was pretty gay, but I’m not really an expert.

55. daveintexas - May 16, 2007

It’s not gay.

It’s gentlemanly.

56. daveintexas - May 16, 2007

cept for the music. That’s gayer than RuPaul at a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

57. John - May 16, 2007

No thanks, Michael. I may be gay, but that parrafin thing-a-ma-jig is just…well, TOO gay. Would be perfect for women in general and queer Yankee I suppose, but I’m from the South and even the gays down here shake their heads in disgust. As for the music, WTF?!? What’s next, the Mick Jagger/David Bowie 1985 video? Dude seriously, through some chili in there when your wife’s not looking. Give me Bob Seger, Toby Keith, or Aerosmith any day over that shite.

58. lauraw - May 16, 2007

Would be perfect for women in general and queer Yankee I suppose,

Ok, the yankee bashing has got to get brakes. I am sick of it, and deeply, deeply offended.

When you cut her, does a Yankee not bleed?




59. daveintexas - May 16, 2007

When you cut her, does a Yankee not bleed?

No idea. Couldn’t make it past the defillade.


60. geoff - May 16, 2007


Unlikely. They don’t get up to Connecticut much.

61. harrison - May 16, 2007


You break this old Southern gentleman’s heart. Such language.

62. eddiebear - May 17, 2007


This sounds like a normal visit of mine to my inlaws.

Oh, Laura, you should have thrown a “Freakin” in there somewhere to make it truly New England.

63. Michael - May 17, 2007

As for the music, WTF?!?

*Michael sits down at the IB Site Administration Workbench and attempts to reset the “gaydar” settings*

64. steve_in_hb - May 17, 2007

eddiebear –

I think “wicked” used in every sentence is the true indicator of being a New Englander.

Southerners –

Please stop sending NYC your queers. They pour in from hellholes across OK and TX and within six months have become elitist cosmopolitans judgemental of any who don’t live in Manhattan or certain parts of Brooklyn. They are overwhelming New Jerseyans’ ability to tolerate bullshit.

65. John - May 17, 2007


Ma? Is that you? Please Mommy Dearest, I swear I got rif of all the wire hangers!

66. John - May 17, 2007

*Michael sits down at the IB Site Administration Workbench and attempts to reset the “gaydar” settings*

Well at least I didn’t post the Blue Man at the “gay pride” parade that Ace had on his blog a few months. Sheesh, a lil’ Jagger & Bowie together and everyone flips. Then again, apart they are butt-ugly as hell so one can only imagine what they look like together. Sounds like something out of Wild Gay Kingdom, a sight even wildabeasts would run in terror from. Hmm…I think I just grossed myself out. Perhaps some Draino in the eyes to remove the horrid image…

67. daveintexas - May 17, 2007

steve, we don’t want our queers. deal.

68. eddiebear - May 17, 2007


Actually, when I am at work, and I hear a guy from New England over the phone use wicked, I imagine some guy with a bad goatee, a Red Sawx Cap, and a jacket/hoodie comso (for winter), or a T-Shirt and jeans shorts combo for summer sitting down the 3rd base line at Fenway, with a beer in one hand, and some underwhelmed galpal from Southie in the other. Oh, and he’s usually pissed drunk by 3 in the afternoon.

69. eddiebear - May 17, 2007

I meant combo. Dammit!

70. Wickedpinto - May 17, 2007

Don’t forget, the tight pronunciation of “total.”

A job, I had that absolutely sucked shit was as a truck dispatcher for a cheap lazy and more than a little abusive transport company. So shitty they changed their name twice in the 5 months I worked for them.

Lots of immigrants, none of the truckers were local, and I was the most popular non-female dispatcher, cuz I couldn’t help but find humor in their accents.

My favorite worker, was the scottish guy, I forget his name, I can ask a friend who took my place when I finaly quite, and he would know.

That scottish guy, was HILLARIOUS! to talk to, I swear, I never once talked to him without him using the C word about damn near anyone. Not to mention the twin cities dispatchers I worked with who would go all canadian scandy on me, and make me laugh.

Where did that come from? I don’t know, but it’s probably best not to ask.

71. Geoff Is Worthless « Innocent Bystanders - April 29, 2008

[…] Still, I like tomatoes, I’ve had basal cell carcinomas, and I’m interested in skin care (so long as it does not involve Texas gay stuff like paraffin wax baths, because I would never do that). […]

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