A Pope for everyone! May 7, 2007
Posted by kevlarchick in Religion.trackback
I know most of you are not Catholic and possess a healthy ambivalence towards the 2000 year old religious monolith. Here’s some light reading that may change everything for you. Pope Benedict XVI has published his first encyclical, entitled “God is Love.” Some highlights:
- Interesting discussion of eros and agape – sex is a really, really good thing.
- This quote: “We do not need a State that regulates and controls everything.” Il Papa probably packs.
- Several references to Vita Sancti Martini, which translates roughly to say “martinis are sacred and life-giving.”
What’s not to like?!
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Innocent Bystanders 
Spectacles,
Testicles,
Wallet,
Watch.
Looks like a good read.
DEUS CARITAS EST
My Latin is a little rusty. Ten carrots here?
Also, does the Pope really live in the woods or is that just an old joke?
Is an encyclical like that thing my mom bought for us to use for homework? A-Z with annual updates? If so, how come this is only his first? Is it just a Pope thing?
And, check me on this, I know I agree with him on the whole sex is good thing, but isn’t he relying on word of mouth?
It means God is Love, Dave. Caritas is like “good samaritan” love, which is different from agape or eros. And the word of mouth Popes generally use is the bible.
They will publish encyclicals whenever they feel like expounding big time on a big issue. JP II averaged about one a year. He was pretty prolific: http://www.usccb.org/pope/writings.htm
harrison, are you ready to make your confession? Or should I suit up for an exorcism?
If it’s a “less than big time exposition”, would he publish it like an email? Post it note?
oh, and the pictures are funnay
Well, B16 is from Bavaria.
Seriously, though. He is one of the most scholarly popes in history (including JP2). His emphasis has been the Eucharist.
As an aside, a few weeks ago they had the story of Jesus calling his Apostles. One of the words the original Greek used to imply what he was telling the Apostles (mostly fishermen. How ironic!) was a word for catching men. But the Greek word used was the word which means the equivalent of a rescuer catching a falling person. Kinda fitting, eh?
pssst. Don’t tell KC but I’ve actually read most of Dominus Iesus, and some of other his writings when he was in charge of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, and I even know “Benedict” means blessed.
His writings and criticisms of relativism are sound and well-founded.
Man, if this post doesn’t get RWS back, nothing will.
I doubt she’d party with the Pope like we would. We would throw DOWN, nowutimsayin?
harrison, are you ready to make your confession? Or should I suit up for an exorcism?
YOUR MOTHER SEWS SOCKS THAT SMELL!!!
*barf*
“Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith”. IIRC, that used to be called The Inquisition. They are responsible for stamping out heresy and enforcing Dogma and Doctrine.
Hard Core.
His writings and criticisms of relativism are sound and well-founded.
…but not overtly so.
…Inquisition…
Yes sir, but they’ve lightened up a bit. Their chief weapon now is surprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise…. their two weapons are fear and surprise…and ruthless efficiency…. I mean their *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency…and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope…. Ok, that’s four. Their *four*…no… *Amongst* their weapons…. Amongst their weaponry…are such elements as fear, surprise…. I’ll come in again.
I think there’s a comfy chair in the repertoire.
Yes, the Pope is a brilliant scholar.
No, those glasses just aren’t right for him.
Michael only likes the Pope because he sees a potential ally in his anti-Calvinist
purgecampaign.funny pictures.
On another topic, I desperately need help establishing a baseline normal response to a situation I am encountering at work. Can you guys please click through to my site and help me out? It’s the top post as of 7 pm.
I found a new Pope pic the other day thats pretty funny:
http://mbelow.dyndns.org:8080/Coppermine/displayimage.php?album=5&pos=400
One Pope is just so boring. Much more exciting when there were 3 guys running around as popes all having at least semi-legitimate claims to being chosen by the cardinals.
What is it steve that compels you to insult people of faith who are willing to poke fun at themselves?
Is it your sense of mirth?
There are a couple of regs who think highly of the Vicar of Christ (I don’t disdain him, Protestant that I am) doesn’t deserve centuries of dumping about oo killed oo.
You… something else.
Seriously. Are you pissed that the Catholics nubbed your online gambling gig? What?
Actually dave, steve was making an anti-pope joke in reference to the history of papal rule. Thats not out of line.
I think that it is completely fair ground. After all, the borgia’s DID kill an anti-pope before they become the borgia’s. . ./ vasals of (was it?) julius II?
Steve wasn’t out of line.
We all know I’m an atheist, but steve was referencing something real in just a way that it should be treated as snarky rather than offensive, because the split between the itallian and french popes was very real, and worthy of all the sarcasm that it deserves.
…im sure steve didnt expect the Spanish Inquisition….
If the pope speaks for god, how can their be 2 popes? how can their be multiple whatevers of cardinals, how is it that the pope is defined by politics, and is divided not just into two, but at a number of times into three, and how is it that we know which side one? “gods will” dictated which pope/anti-pope won the final conflict, but it was usually through deceit and manipulation.
Had a friend, very unusual guy, acted almost EXACTLY like I did,(as in foul mouthed irreverent, but ultimately a decent cat) but he was a 7th dayer. He would tell all the time, whenever I would interact with religious conversations (because I was/am honest about my ignorance of most of the dogma) and he would talk about how rome is the whore as though we were talking about which chick we were gonna bang (cuz we did bang a lot of chicks, he was older 31, his pool was much larger that bastard) but he didn’t judge, he didn’t hate, he simply described.
The church of rome, if you are a literalist, or at least a revelationist, is the best candidate at the moment.
It was fascinating, cuz this guy was more than a little dumb, but he could talk about this line of thought as though it was him just saying “hey dude?” so I looked it up and if I accepted his analysis, of the literal, then, well, he WAS!
Faith is a very complicated thing dave, I’m an atheist, but I think that the best people I’ve met are religious, I also think that the best of the best can deal with simple criticisms of their faith and religion because, for one man to challenge your faith, then your faith is weak.
I don’t think steve was trying to convert you, or any other. I think steve was just saying, I’m just say’n.
No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.
If I was projecting, I apologize.
I’ll wait for Steve to tell me what he meant.
oh, and WP, I’m a Protestant.
Look it up.
I’ll wait for Steve to tell me what he meant.
This is where it is you who becomes a dick dave.
Sometimes there is no answer to conflict, sometimes it just happens, and MOST OF THE TIME! it is the offended who go too far, and demand an apology for a thing. You aren’t even catholic, but by saying
“I’ll wait for Steve to tell me what he meant.”
You are looking for a fight. don’t worry about it, let the catholics deal with it. I’ve offended damn near every faith here, and I saw Steve being funny and sarcastic in his comment.
Chill brother.
oh, and WP, I’m a Protestant.
Look it up.
Lutherin? presbyterian? adventist? Millerite? shaker? Quaker?
All those who opposed the church of rome are protestants.
I wasn’t being insulting, sarcastic, or making some deep point. Just pointing out an interesting period in European history. There were multiple popes running around who had been elected by the cardinals. I find that fascinating and enjoy reading about it. Anybody who is offended by my light hearted reference to an interesting historical period should fucking grow up and stop being a pussy.
Truth be told, growing up in NJ, I’m more comfortable amongst the Catholics than I am amongst the other flavors of Christianity. They tend not to have the intense earnestness that is prevalent in many practicioners of the other sects. Again, coming from NJ, earnestness makes me feel uncomfortable.
The only thing I have against Catholics is that the weddings are a hassle. Having the service and reception all at the same place is just easier.
I like catholic weddings, though residential weddings tend to be rather grand events.
I’m a fan of ritual, but I’m also a fan of a free for all.
With Catholic wedding, you get calisthenics.
catholic weddings are better than eggrolls? I dont get it. I dont believe it either. i like eggroles. fucking papists.
Dray, Laura means the squating that you do while knealing and standing, and sitting and kneeling and standing, and sitting and kneeling and standing.
Attend a catholic sunday mass, it does sometimes seem like an arobics class, where you are never given instructions.
please dont call me dray.
i didnt spend 7 years going to fake internet name medical school just to be called dray.
coming from NJ, earnestness makes me feel uncomfortable.
NJ /NY area folks often have a mocking style of discourse that grates unpleasantly to others who weren’t raised in it. Those other folks feel like their patience for outrageous rudeness is being directly tested.
And it’s even worse when you can hear the accent. Certain NJ /NY accents always put me on high alert for Bullshit About To Happen, but so far for no reason.
Actually dave, steve was making an anti-pope joke in reference to the history of papal rule. Thats not out of line.
Yes.
We all know I’m an atheist
Yes.
This is where it is you who becomes a dick dave
Yes.
…demand an apology for a thing. You aren’t even catholic, but by saying
Yes. I am demanding apologies left and right.
Lutherin? presbyterian? adventist? Millerite? shaker? Quaker
All those who opposed the church of rome are protestants.
Yes. Yes.
Anybody who is offended by my light hearted reference to an interesting historical period should fucking grow up and stop being a pussy.
I’ll work on it steve, thanks for the advice.
i really hate Boston accents. It just grates on my nerves.
Wait WAIT WAIT WAIT FUCKING WAIT!!!!!
Did I just get blanket agreement about what is and is not offensive from Dave?
I just wanna verify that for the record, really, I do.
Attend a catholic sunday mass, it does sometimes seem like an aerobics class,
you should try one of those holy rollin pentecostal churches. It’s like Tae Bo for epileptics.
Had a friend who’s mother was one of those speakers of tongues.
Freaked me the fuck out when I first went to church with her (she was one of my best friends girlfriends, and a longtime friend of all of us) I stood up I moved away, and I probably cursed. “WHAT THE FUCK!” cuz I wasn’t warned at all.
Her mother never liked me again, even though I was the only one with an available car at the time so she could spend time with her boyfriend. I took on the habbit of saying something like “If your mother doesn’t trust the way I drive, then just tell her to follow us this time”
100% true story, I said that, cuz I refused to talk to her religionist insane tounge speaking mother. (I was an atheist even then) and her mother accepted. It was a false expression of faith, because she would follow me, while I drove her daughter, but she was “monitering” me.
Immediately her mother flashed her lights at me, cuz I was speeding, as in less than a block, so I responded in the proper wickedpinto sort of way(she lived across the street from one of the rather expansive sports fields that are all around my area) I slowed down, acted like I was pulling over, but really, I was aligning my tires to go over the curb, and I spit dirt all over her mothers car, as I tore through “miller park” away from her mom, and went exactly where I said I would take her.
After I was done, I went back, and I visited her house, and I told them that their daughter was safe. Her father, who liked me, listened to the whole story and actually laughed, I waited until her mother came home, and FLOGGING TORE INTO ME!!!
I didn’t flinch one bit, and when it was done, I said “you sat there while your daughter pierced my ear, twice, why should you trust me less than I trusted your daughter and you?”
No shit, she stood up and her husband stopped her.
My first piercing was when I was 14, by her daughter, and 15 for the third once again by her daughter (didn’t get a fourth until much later, and in a different place) and she didn’t care. OOOOOOohh I was a manipulative young man.
Anyways I still love that bit “you can follows to see how I drive” and I cut across a park at relatively high speed.
Note: I didn’t like her mother.
I like the Boston accent. Seems reasonable and homey to me.
Did I just get blanket agreement about what is and is not offensive from Dave?
Infer peacemaking.
I like the SoShy (SoChi) accent, it actually means what it says, most of the time.
Dave –
I’m truly astounded – no snark at all. In a million years I couldn’t construe my comment being interpreted as a jab at Catholicism. It was merely a reference to an interesting period in history.
If I understand your viewpoint, I chose to insult Catholics by referencing semi-obscure events from some 600 years ago when the Church’s internal politics resulted in some odd goings on?
Which is more likely? Steve has an axe to grind with Catholics and expressed it by referencing political events from 600 years ago. Or Steve joined a light hearted discussion of the Pope by joking that it was more fun when there were multiple popes?
Fucking 7th day adventists are the servants of satan!!
During WWII, they voluteered as guinea pigs for biological warfare, many died, but they willingly committed suicide.
Fuck the adventists!
I am too steve, this is the first time I called dave a dick without the intention of being funny.
I appologize, quite often because I have done things that make my more contemporary comments might be misconstrued.
Dave was referencing a period of catholic life that catholocicism should have apologized for. . . .who was it? leo the IV who created the abstinate clergy? I mix this shit up so much, sorry about that. Because it was a second reign of borgia, and the broad purchase of the cardinality, guaranteeing votes, and the absolution of all sins like. . .well his 2 sons, and daughter.
HELL!!!
Snap response?
What does the word “Lucretia” mean to you?
I don’t know, I just can’t warm up to B16 like the rest of you can. He’s just too damn…………Catholic for my tastes.
Oh, and regarding the SiHB/DiT/WP discussion: Comments about the history of the Catholic Church are simply making conversation. Those who want to ridicule the Holy Church usually make references to priests banging altar boys then getting absorbed into the “Bishop’s Priest Relocation Program”.
WP, whenever I hear that name, I think of the old 60’s song “Lucretia McEvil”. I think it was done by the same group that did “Spinning Wheel”, but Dave or Michael or R.G. probably know more about that than I do.
“NJ /NY area folks often have a mocking style of discourse that grates unpleasantly to others who weren’t raised in it. Those other folks feel like their patience for outrageous rudeness is being directly tested.”
No disagreement here lauraw. Except I would widen the region to include Boston/Philly. The flip side is that, from my perspective, people from other regions are boring and difficult to get to know because their conversation is so neutral and straight forward.
I had a gf from the midwest who used to say she could never tell when I was joking. My answer was that I’m always joking/teasing – it’s my default method of expression. But it’s very rare for me to actually try to insult or hurt someone with my words.
Guys…guys…come on now. We are fighting among ourselves, blue on blue, wasting valuable faith-based ammunition that should be directed against the REAL heretical enemy…Skinbad!
“Spinning Wheel”,
That doesn’t sound like a lovi’n spoonfull song (that was from memory, I’m not much a one for research)
ACK!!!! ““Lucretia McEvil”” Doesn’t sound like a lovi’n spoonfull song.
WP, Blood Sweat & Tears did those songs. The internet’s a wonderful thing, I really should have used its power when I first posted that comment.
Another one of their songs I always liked (I can never remember the song’s damn name) had pretty cool harmonica segment & a chorus like this:
..and when I die, and when I’m gone,
there’ll be one child born, in this world
to carry on, to carry on.
If you’ve ever owned a radio, you’ve probably heard that one.
I’m more modern punk and modern rock.
I only remember my pa’s shit, like I know that the the mills bro’s and shit for some songs, now Peggy Lee, I LOVE!!!
Well, those songs would still sound great if Me First & the Gimme Gimmes covered them.
WP, Blood Sweat & Tears started out in ’67, and their big breakthrough album was self titled, released in ’69. The song I referenced earlier was “And When I Die”. Here’s the lyrics to “Lucretia McEvil”. Maybe if we ask nicely, someone here with more Net Fu than the two of us will post a link to the actual songs. HINT HINT HINT
Lucretia MacEvil (David Clayton-Thomas)
Lucretia MacEvil
Little girl what’s your game?
Hard luck and trouble
Bound to be your claim to fame
Tail-shakin’ heart-breakin’ truckin’ through town
Each and every country-mother’s son, hangin’ ’round
Drive a young man insane
Evil that’s your name
Lucretia MacEvil
That’s the thing you’re doin’ fine
Back seat Delilah
Got your six-foot jug o’wine, woman
I hear your mother was the talk of the sticks
Nothin’ that your daddy wouldn’t do for kicks
Never done a thing worth-while
You’re just an evil woman-child.
(spoken) ooh, Lucy, you just so damn bad
(Instrumental Interlude)
(Bridge) Devil got you lucy
Under lock and key
Ain’t about to set you free
Sign sealed and witnessed
Since the day you were born
No use tryin’ to fake him out
No use tryin’ to make him out
Soon, he’ll be takin’ out his due
What-cha gonna do?
Lucy MacEvil
Honey ya been all night?
Your hair’s all messed up, babe
An’ the clothes you’re wearin’
Just don’t fit ya right
Big Daddy Joe’s, payin’ your monthly rent
Tells his wife he can’t imagine where the money went
Dressin’ you up in style, evil woman-child.
From the “OFFICIAL” BS&T website.
One great thing about being Catholic:
In St. Louis, we have a tradition of trivia nights as fundraisers. The Catholic ones ALWAYS. And I mean ALWAYS. Have copious amounts of beer. The Episcopal and Lutheran ones have beer as well, but not as much. The Baptists…bah!
I attended a trivia night at the private boarding school where my wife attended. It was Catholic. They actually ran out of beer after 3 kegs. They had to tap the stash the nuns had to keep a near riot from breaking out. And this was a blue blood aristocratic boarding school for sexually repressed young women.
And yes. My wife wore THE OUTFIT. Pre baby, she still fit into it at 30.
Try it Pupster. I’ll just rope-a-dope your asses. My maxi-pad/Wrangler comment must have touched a nerve.
eddie?
Thats HOT!
and even more hot in a very incorrect way considering the fact that she was aged and pregnant.
HOT!
Don’t get me started on full pregnant and hot, I might look like a perve.
Was that out loud?
I still think she’s hot. And that’s not some fearful husband talking. She actually dresses more hip now than before the baby. I don’t know why. And I don’t care.
She was very attractive while with child. We tested that urban myth about spurring early labor. I tink it worked by a day or so. Now she’s all worked up wanting another. My Little Princess is sweet and smart and pretty, but she is like the energizer bunny. I may drop over having to care for two of them.
BS&T were pretty good in their day. They had a pretty neat album cover that pictured the band members with little identical clones sitting on their laps.
(Child is Father to the Man).
They may have been the first band to use a big horn section.
Or it might have been the Chicago Transit Authority who had a hit with a long version of “I’m a Man”, then they changed their name to “Chicago”.
Still they have the worst song ever recorded; Color My World.
Worst. Song. Ever.
Eddie, a friend of mine, when I told her that I never found her attractive until then, she thought it was just male bullshit, since she was a co-worker, and I was just saying wat guys say.
But, because I had co-workers who were women, and they were asexual, it actually accentuates the femininity of a woman when she is pregnant. Example.
True story.
we were on a short “hump” and one of my co-workers was pregnant, of course she had a lesser load, she was only deuce gear, no pack, but one guy started to fall out of the hump.
It was a short hump, but rather quick, a little better than 4, rather than an average of 3 miles per hour.
Anyways, a friend of mine who really wasn’t out of shape he gave up on purpose (thats a different story, and in truth I don’t blame him, he got screwed) So in comes Sherry (the pregnant female on the hump) running to the rear of the line (I know, I was already there alternating betwen the various female hump drops (no shit women almost always drop, it isn’t anti-woman, it’s anti-accomplishment) dragging them back up to the front so I could rest.
And there I am dragging two women, carrying one extra pack pushing them to the front before they fall back again, and I’m next to a pregnant woman running backwards dragging a male friend friend in front of her screaming somthing like “MOVE BITCH! I’m PREGNANT, you want me to have this fucker now!!!”
I laughed throughout the rest of the “hump.”
NJ /NY area folks often have a mocking style of discourse that grates unpleasantly to others who weren’t raised in it.
I hate that NJ/NY tendency, being a rather delicate and sensitive Ohio person myself. Those northeastern buttfuckers really piss me off.
I’m truly astounded – no snark at all.
Steve, I was surprised as well. I took your comment as a wry and humorous reference to historical facts. Dave grossly overreacted, in my opinion. He owes you an apology.
Dave, we all know that Steve is an atheist. That does not mean that he is hostile towards Christianity (like Andy). He is not. Steve was just making a joke. Lighten up.
Which is more likely? Steve has an axe to grind with Catholics and expressed it by referencing political events from 600 years ago. Or Steve joined a light hearted discussion of the Pope by joking that it was more fun when there were multiple popes?
The latter, of course.
My bad.
Don’t know that I agree with the pile-on-Dave ethos. He may have read too much into Steve’s statement, but bitter experience (not with Steve) has shown that people who single out those sorts of events in a general discussion are often trying to push somebody’s buttons.
And in that case, the best defense is a good offense.
And in that case, the best defense is a good offense.
OK. But not with our resident atheists, like Steve or Laura. They deserve some credibility around here, both as to their moral integrity and their tolerance of religion.
But not with our resident atheists, like Steve or Laura.
That may be true – I skip most of the religious threads since I’m an agnostic/atheist as well, so I don’t know their track record. But I know many atheistic folk that I otherwise respect who go nonlinear about religion, so in the absence of other evidence, Dave’s objection didn’t seem wholly out of bed.
But Steve explained it and Dave apologized, so I probably shouldn’t stir things up anymore.
Laura is an atheist? I thought she was a questing agnostic/lutheran.
dave –
I’m just glad things are resolved, because I had no intention to offend.
geoff –
So, because other people act like assholes about a certain subject, my comments on that subject should be viewed with suspicion? Thanks for the vote of confidence after some two years of exchanging comments.
Nah, Steve,
In my experience geoff is a bit of a follower, (no offense geoff, you are) and so once he see’s someone like dave or me, or you or mike or others taking offense, geoff over-reacts (no-offense geoff, you do) so BAM!
conflict.
You handled everything perfectly steve, even though others haven’t *glares at Dave* honesty in statement and confusion in accusation when misunderstood.
Alls cool, at least with me steve, and that is actually more than it might seem. You meant no offense, in fact, I didn’t even see offense, and as an atheist I was knee deap into how many peoples asses who derided faith?
You simply made an honest statement. I don’t know if I’m over reaching my “gravitas” here, but I don’t think you did anything wrong. The only reason I think that might be a small allowance, is because I’m the first to appologize, and even _I_ don’t see any reason for you too.
You were misunderstood, and that isn’t your fault. See my N word comments in that one thread at Aces.
So, because other people act like assholes about a certain subject, my comments on that subject should be viewed with suspicion?
As I said above, that subject in particular doesn’t correlate well with other subjects, so I just took it at face value. As I also said, I don’t have enough experience on these threads to add any context, so I just took it at face value. As I further also said, singling out the foibles of a religion could be taken as a slight against that religion, so I could understand Dave’s interpretation.
But then I read a lot into what people say – often far more than they intended. Conversely, I expect people to read all the way into what I say, which turns out to be a miserable style of managerial communication.
Anyway, I don’t recall saying that I agreed with Dave’s interpretation, just that he should be cut some slack as well.
geoff?
I’m an atheist, I slight religion constantly. the argument you are raising against steve is completely different.
read what he said, and you will find the context. He’s not hateful, he might be atheist or deliberate agnostic, but he is not hatefull.
chill brother.
He’s not hateful, he might be atheist or deliberate agnostic, but he is not hatefull.
Never said he was. Never even implied that he was. I have no beef with Steve or his comment. I said that I could see how a beef could be taken with his comment, so people shouldn’t dogpile on Dave.
There was an understandable misunderstanding. Steve explained himself, Dave apologized, end of story. I hope.
Oh, sorry geoff, I’m still on the defensive with the whole Amish thing.
BTW. in that situation you both fucked up, so did dave, and so did whoever the other guy was.
“sorry” says it all, this is text, it isn’t cock and poot conflict, it’s just fucking text, and thats how most react, thats why amish rocks.
BTW. in that situation you both fucked up, so did dave, and so did whoever the other guy was.
Could be. If you actually read through what I originally said you’ll find it was pretty benign – along the lines of “I understand that he was joking, but it’s over my line.” After he told me to “fuck off” I got a whole lot pissier. My attitude then, as it is now, is that Amish is a very, very funny guy, but that it’s not worth interacting with him if my wife is going to be the butt of those sorts of jokes.
So I pretty much don’t, but I don’t think there’s any widespread suffering as a result.
cool geoff, just don’t spread it in THIS case.
Always know what and how and why, know what I mean?
I can, slaughter an enemy in an instant, and in fact, I almost always aproach them with my knife (a shitty one, I prefere my fairbairne which I sold after recieving my brothers titaniam 4″ flip) and they almost always back off, sometimes I hit them with the hilt, I don’t live in a nice place.
My point? You are surrounded by friends. Most will work to understand what offended you and appologize.
Some of us, Like me? I sleep with my brothers “wedding gift” which SUCKS next to my fairbairne(I was broke) which I sold, so I hold a 4″ knife rather than an almost 12″ (actually 9″, I actually had a wrist sheath at one time, well, I was a teenager, but I did have it damnit!!!)
anyways, I sleep to this day within immediate reach of my 4″ flip knife, cuz I know how to use it, and I will.
I’m . . . to quote SCI-FI, . . . and my own experience, and anyone who is defending themselves NOT A COP!!!
If anyone invades my space, my mothers space, my brothers space, or my fathers space (well thats negotiable, in my fathers case, his new wife is not a point of defense.) I will kill them if I am within arm’s reach. I say that because I know a lot of people who own guns, most of them illegal, and they cant shoot for shit. My knife is faster, also my knife is absolute if I decide to use it.
Just say’n.
Me too, thanks steve.
Everybody else, thanks. When’s training camp?
WP, don’t ever become a professional referee. And you should probably lay off the amateur /hobby work too.
Skinbad turned me into a newt.
*stares at Pupster*
Skinbad turned me into a newt.
Is that like a mudpuppy?
No dogpiles!
We had a little Schism, is all.
Steve remembers. Dave respects the history.
im thinking about buying one of these shirts:
http://shop.gawker.com/cgi-bin/shopper.cgi?preadd=action&key=DFT05
Laura is an atheist? I thought she was a questing agnostic/lutheran
I thought she was black.
I’ll take two.
two of the “dont free paris” t shirts.
not the godless black hunchbacks.
You can’t chance a spring awakening and at least not be a wickan.
quick question – i just upgraded to Windows Media Player 11 and i cant figure out how to get the damn thing to display the track title/artist name/kbps. It shows it in a tiny box in the corner but you can only see part of it.
I also cant get it to show the total running time of whats playing. Which makes it a bitch when youre trying to burn a cd and need to know how many minutes you have left.
Any help?
…I got better.
*makes list*
Jobs that WP should probably *not* consider:
1. Hostage Negotiator.
2. Ombudsman.
3. Feral Cat Trainer.
proof reader
WP:
That’s a woman!
4. Massage Therapist
5. Career Counselor
6. Bomb Squad Technician
7. Fed Chairman
8. Space Cowboy
Oh wait, he’d be good at that.
9. Concierge
10. Suicide hotline operator
11. Emcee at the annual Shady Acres Retirement Community ball.
12. Pope
13 Folk Singer
14 Toll Booth Collector
15 Press Secretary
I neglected to pimp the exciting conclusion to last week’s tales of explosions and mystery,,.
http://fasterthantheworld.com/2007/05/everything_i_needed_to_know_about_explosives_i_learned_in_kindergarten.html
11. Diplomat
12. Women’s College Basketball coach
13. Police Officer (Vice)
14. Customer in a Connecticut shipping store.
I was about to say “televangelist,” but I actually think he’d be pretty good at that for some reason.
When all else fails, kick WP. Thanks guys, I was really feeling nostalgic for my junior high days. Carry on.
bartender
I’m gonna dine with a bunch of Catholics tonight. And by dine, of course, I mean snack while getting totally wasted.
Thanks guys, I was really feeling nostalgic for my junior high days.
Somebody give doc a wedgie.
And yes, it takes years to master this level of asshole-fu.
20. Peace Rally Media Liason.
21. Spelling Bee Moderatur.
22. Chief Investigator for Law & Order: Bitch Breakin’ Unit.
23. Advance man for the “Kucinich ’08” Presidential Campaign.
24. The guy who gives doc a wedgie
24. Secret Service agent that runs beside the limo for the President.
(anon was me, darn it)
Not to be spreading tales from the schoolyard, but when they chose Cardinal Ratzinger, I heard a lot of grumbling in Catholic circles; they didn’t seem to like him much. But it seems to me that Pope Benedict has managed to win people over, and most Catholics have come to like him quite a bit. Just impressions and gossip, but still interesting to me.
I don’t know sandy. There are plenty who wished once JPII died, there would be a “breath of fresh air” in the Vatican. Things would change, become more “progressive” – as if there would be some sweeping announcement declaring homosexuality, promiscuity, abortion, etc as beautiful expressions of human love.
I had to laff. As if.
As for kicking WP, I can’t speak for that bastard Pupster, but I’m sure everyone else was just messing around.
These modern Popes are so honest! Remember when you could get absolution for a little indulgence? Those were the days. Hahahaha. Just joking.
BTW, skinbad, how long does Pupster have to be a newt?
I mean, Jeebers, you’ve proved your Mormon-fu. We get the point.
*Bing Bong*
Until the next Wrangler recall. It’s a short sentence.
Skinbad,
I’ll have you know, you heretic, that though my parents were in an arraigned marriage, there was love.
That magical kind of love that only happens when a bitch is in heat. It’s bigger than a piece of paper issued by the state.
Call me a bastard if you will, but if AKC recognizes the union as legitimate, who are you to judge?
And your name tag is crooked.
*turns off lights*
*disconnects doorbell*
*hides in basement*
Apologies. I didn’t realize you were papered. For your sake, I’m glad your parents were able to pull off “the tie”.
I can’t believe no one expected the Spanish Inquisition!
And your name tag is crooked.
I refuse to look down. You’ll do that finger in my face thing.
Going home for the day. Pope out.
Where does “Pope out” come from?
havent you ever heard those Gregorian Chant guys cover the Surfaris?
Treacher started it.
havent you ever heard those Gregorian Chant guys cover the Surfaris?
Treacher started it.
Pope: “Islam Can Suck It”
— In a televised statement this morning, Pope Benedict XVI lashed out at critics of his earlier comments on Muslims, referring to said critics as a “pack of crybaby snake-charmers” and recommending they perform various humanly impossible feats of flexibility and colonic accommodation.
“Fuck you,” he added.
“Why don’t you have a seat on my pointy-ass hat,” continued the Bishop of Rome. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you, Abdul? We all know how you camel-jockeys swing, out there in the desert. Yeah, those long cold lonely nights out among the dunes. You bunch of faggots. We [Catholics] might fuck little kids, but at least we don’t strap bombs on them when we’re done and drop them off at the bagel shop. Sure, we treat our women like shit, but if we made them all dress like fat ninjas, there wouldn’t be a single full pew in the whole fucking world. I mean, it’s 2006, how do you assholes get away with it? That part I kind of admire, actually. Jesus H. Christ, this stuff is good.”
After pausing to drink deeply from a bejeweled chalice, His Holiness then closed his statement with, “I got your Allah right here,” emphasizing his point by tugging sharply through his robes at his own scrotum.
“Pope out.”
Thanks, dr4.
Michael and everyone who kicked me, can I reproduce those portions at Mesa’s place?
And LauraW,
I STARTED well, I just flagged off at the end. I’m working on it.
8. Space Cowboy
Oh wait, he’d be good at that.
I’m affraid of heights.
25: relationship counselor
26: sensitivity trainer
27: licquor stor clerk
28: english teacher
29: advice collumnist.
Michael and everyone who kicked me, can I reproduce those portions at Mesa’s place?
OK with me.
It was the STARTING that was the worst.
LAURA!’S A MEANIE!!!
She wants to squelch my free speach, LauraW is a commenterist, as well as a Blogist, and a …
I don’t have the heart for it, I’m just being a jackass.
Of course, WP. I was thinking we need to come up with more unsuitable jobs for IB commenters. Like LauraW:
1. Tanning consultant
2. Chiropractor
3. ettiquette insturctor?
4. veteranary euthanist
5. Lead singer in a soul music band
6. Impartial participant/judge.
actually, if the dem’s win in 08 and she were lib she would be so qualified, but otherwise not.
Anybody wonder what it would be like having her handle your package? God knows I have, at first I thought it was a joke, cuz I was crushing on LauraW then I THINK I realized she worked for UPS. and I came to the conclusion that it wouldn’t take that much for my package to be abused simply cuz she is that moody.
Really, is she only pleasent DURING her period? 🙂
She can handle my package if I can rub her squirrel.
MRS! GEEZER!!!!!! MR! GEEZER’S BEING GROSS!!!!!
random inclusion.
They had been married for less than a year and brides were always beautiful. Then he looked at her again. Nope, she was definitely more beautiful.
You are lucky men, and you are beautiful women.
Dave in Texas:
1. Botanist
2. Person from somewhere other than Texas
3. Pyrotechnician
WP:
35. Children’s Book
fucking HUGE tits!Author36. Editor of The New Yorker
“…can I reproduce those portions at Mesa’s place?” – WP
Sure thing bubba. We kid because we love.
37. Church Youth Camp Counselor
38. Editor of “Readers Digest”
39. Romance Novelist
Donna trembled slightly as Travis (pussyshit names these guys have) took her hand, she wasn’t scared nothin, she was kind of gettingt HOT and that gave her kind of a shudder thing like when your back getts cold but you knowwhat I mean and thats nether here nr their, her bouncy tits gave a nice little shake meanwhile, and he thought that was kind of nice so he kissed her, DEEP THROATED her, actually and it was SO FUCKING HOT, you had to be there…
Oh my God. I’m sooo going to keep writing that if its slow at work today.
Anybody want to work on the next chapter, fine by me. This could be a thing.
lol lw! No, I think you are doing a wonderful job. That funny shit brought a tear to my eye.
Sobek – heh. True on all accounts. I’m a lousy carpenter too.
Travis whispered breathlessly into Donna’s ear, the sweet smell of ginger and lilac filling her nostrils which flared, like a cat’s. “You’re shaking my love. Shaking, shaking like a polaroid picture. Lend me some sugar”. Donna’s heart stopped beating. A full ten seconds or more, dammit the arythmia was back! Not now, dear God not now when he was so close, when he was so available, so ready, so lonely with a capital H ifyouknowwhatimeanandithinkyoudo. She coughed and kick started her fluttery heart, and mumbled a sweet apology. “Travis, love, there’s something you should know about me”, she whispered back.
“What dearest” he asked as he nibbled softly on her earlobe”.
“I have to be careful darling” she replied, “I have acute angina”.
Travis pulled her close and kissed her deeply, then whispered back into her ear “yes, you do. Your tits are pretty too”.
Donna flushed upon hearing these words. She felt weak
in the knees, but she stood anyway, the toilet seat liner
still stuck to her ass and sweaty legs.
I’m not gonna say it, compos! LOL
acute angina, HAH!!
Travis sensuously peeled the liner from the back of Donna’s sweaty legs.
“Man that sound makes me HORNY, reminds me of when I was in the MC on TDY in OKI and I took this native girl out in the BOONIES in my 1970 AMC Gremlin and she moved around on the back seet which was made of genuine imitation plastic stuff. Nothing turns me on like the sound of sticky skin peeling off seat covers.”
Donna touched his hand gently, “Not so fast Darling”, she breathed.
Crap, close my Italics tag please.
“YOU ARE MEAN!!! MEANIE STOPPIST!!” Travis shouted straight into her fucking face, but if you saw the expression, which it made Donna laugh instead of pissed off lke youd assume by that, and they both laughed a while in that knowing glow of the moment. Hold on, 100% no bullshit, Donna suddenly flashes her tits and they are 110% LARGE NATURALs, Travis almost took a dump he was both laughing and horned up so bad.
shit, forgot my italics altogether
But I’m gonna POP! babe, said Travis. You know that feeling you get in your nuts, well not YOUR nuts, obviosly wehn yur about to frost the donut? Well, I’ve got that feeling pretty much alla time prolly cuz of that time I was swapping out some EC2-4 parts for that asshole boss I had and just for shits I was naked and oiled up and my wang touched the power supply. SHAZZZA
Hey! Damn thing ate half my missive. Oh well.
I was naked and oiled up and my wang touched the power supply
Can’t
Breathe
Let’s take it down a notch or three, Travis said as he stared soulfully into her cleavage. You mean tons to me. TONS! I dont tell every woman I take to my car after happy hour this, but you. You need to know. I’m your flesh dildo. Now pull your effin hair back and c’mere.
Oh dear. I must work today. WP–glad you’re a good sport.
Leaning back, Travis lit a cigarette and took a long pull off of the warm bottle of Night Train. You handled everything perfectly Donna, even though others haven’t *glares at Dave*.
Travis could hardly believe his luck as he generously sprayed Coca Cola on the back seat of the Gremlin Pimpmobile, A frikin CHEERLEADER whos dad owned a lickuer store but he dint like me at all after i spun a donut on his lawn.
Meanwhile, LauraW’s customers are wondering what is so funny and why is she laughing as she enters their shipping data into the computer.
REAL Coca Cola, not that RC Cola imitaton crap from
TexasOhio‘customers?’
Not now, during the first gorgeous run of Spring weather. I’ll be seeing them all tomorrow and Friday when they realize they totally spaced on Mother’s Day.
You guys are seriously killing me.
“MOTHER’S DAY”?! Travis blurted out, and smacked his foreSKIN. “God that’s Sunday”! Donna reached across the seat for her bra and grabbed the panties from Travis’ head. “You didn’t know”? she asked. “Of course I knew” he lied. “No one loves their mother more than me including Oedipus”!
“That is 100% no bullshit too” Travis said, flicking the cigarette butt across the street and turning the key in the ignition. He threw the Gremlin into gear and slammed the accelerator, throwing dust and gravel behind him in a cloud. As they reached cruising speed, he began to sing softly to himself. “Been drivin all night long my hand’s wet on the wheel”..
The radio started playing a forgotten song – a favorite from Elton John:
Broke a bitch, broke a bitch
Broke a bitch’s back
Stone cold sober makes my thoughts stay on track
Broke a bitch, broke a bitch
`Cause I blog more than you
It’s the way that I move
I was a Ma-rine too
“Whoa-whoa-,” he started, as his thoughts turned to his brother, his brother’s wife, his dad, uncle, nephew, drill instructor, last boss, 6 previous lovers, Retief, and various useful Japanese phrases.
“-whoa,” he finished.
Suddenly, blue and red lights began flashing behind them,
illuminating Donna’s big ole titties and prompting Travis to put on his 3-D glasses and light a smoke.
Travis looked in his rear view mirror. It was the fuzz. “Donna, could you stop looking out the back window and get that hairy thing outta my face for a second so I can see what’s going on??”
Travis pulled over. A state trooper’s car pulled in behind. Soon, the officer was asking for license and registration, and Donna let out a horny moan upon seeing the patrolman’s muscular torso. She read his name tag. It said Dick Mahogany.
“Random thought,” thought Travis. “What do you buy a mother you love, but hate, but you now, really LOVE, DAMMIT!”
“Donna, no offense, I love your aboriginal ass to peices, but your going to have to walk the rest of the way home, I’ve got some shopping to do!”
“What’s THAT?”
DonnyDonna exclaimed!“WHATTHEFUCKDOYOUMEAN?” Travis replied.
“That, taht THING, hanging from your rearview mirror”.
Travis reached out and carefully, lovingly you might even say reverently if you were religus BUT I AM NOT, and kissed it and put the chain around his neck.
“It looked like a Crockodile” Donna said disgustedly.
Travis gave her a look that said pretty much what you thought it might say if you had ever been a MC recruit in OKI with a big (shocked) Wang.
“I may not believe in little-g god but I do believe in Sobek” Travis replied softly.
Donna wisely shut the fuck up.
“Retief”
That put me over into the guffawing group.
Donna opened the door to get out. As she did, several envelope sfell onto the ground. Opening one, she realized with horror that it contained a letter to Travis’ gay lover. Strangely, the text made little sense, had several misspellings, and most of the time Donna couldn’t tell what the fuck Travis was trying to say. Each one she opened was similar, but the strangest thing was that, not only did each letter have the same date, but each began in a strange way . . . MIchael?
Good timing, Michael is probably busy making Lawyerly Decisions.
“Random thought,” thought Travis.
Nice Deb, ohmigod you funny
“I love your aboriginal ass”
Wonder who Nice Deb is molding her Travis after?
Travis pulled a badly wrinkled piece of paper out of his wallet, “I’d like to share some poetry with you. It’s something I read once on the Internet”.
Donna melted, it’s not often you meet an ex-Jarhead who had a sensetive side, she thought.
“It’s called ‘Chance Some Spring Awakening'”, Travis began tentatively.
Poor WP, I wonder if his ears are burning.
Man, I’ve been missing out.
Funny shit.
Meanies!
Knemon, welcome to the moron side of the Force.
I can feel the stupidity flowing through me.
And if you don’t feel more moronic after stopping by, you are refunded the price of admission
Seriously? 100% no bulls*t, this one time I saw these NAMBLA KIDDIE PORN LOVERS and it reminded me of this old drill sargeat I had (lauraw, have I mentioned how much I love you?) who I think once told the ACLU HATES AMERICA! to go f**k off. I think he was made at me ‘cos I did his daughter in the back of a JEEP that I was supposed to be using to get some supplies, but he was usually pretty cool. SQUAWK SQUAWK!
I dunno. What’s the nocturnal/diurnal rhythm among the Splitters? I get my best moroncommenting done between the hours of 11 PM and 4 AM, Eastern Standard. (E.g., the “Get there fustest with the mostest” thread somehow became a three-sided argument over Harry Turtledove alternate history krep, reaching well over 100 comments – most after midnight).
Is there a FAQ? Cuz I don’t wanna jump into this without knowing the ground rules.
I’m … I’m scared, is what I’m saying. Be gentle. (This is sort of like rushing a frat).
“Whoa-whoa-,” he started, as his thoughts turned to his brother, his brother’s wife, his dad, uncle, nephew, drill instructor, last boss, 6 previous lovers, Retief, and various useful Japanese phrases.
“-whoa,” he finished.
lmfao. shaking. tears.
Knemon, we
liedprovided info about some stuff in the About section.It’s all true.
As far as you know.
It’s all true.
100% no shit.
spam filter, agh
Poor WP, I wonder if his ears are burning.
As far as I know, WP hasn’t lit himself on fire in almost a week.
It’s a record.
family shit.
Chapter 3: Hardcore Anal
Trevor watched her ass as she waled away, the dude’s name was trev, right?, andyway some gay shit name, and he wasn’t an ass man but THAT IS ONE FINE ASS rockin away on the sidewalk, and he’s beginning to wonder if he made a mistake, I mean WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES,( even you Dave) just kidding!!
He’s like,
“DONNAAAAA!!! RAAARRRR!!!”
She flashed her vag and it was ON,!!.
With a DEVO reference, no less!
I highly recommend their recent concert video, Live from the Land of the Rising Sun. They’re still Big in Japan. (you can just FFWd through the political foolishness in between songs).
They rock surprisingly hard live.
It is common internet knowledge that WP wraps his private parts in Reynold’s Wrap ™, I assume to prevent fires.
“100% True story,” Travis said. “One time a guy insulted my Donna’s sweet brown aboriginal ass, said “BUBBLE BUTT”, or some insulting shit like that and I had to thorw a chair out the window. I mean I THREWW THE CHAIR out the window, with HIM in it. FUCKER! Made a MANIAC outa me!
That’s what he calls a ‘hobo dinner.’
#203
Now see what y’all have done to Nice Deb?
Uh huh. Looks like the project to corrupt Nice Deb is pretty much complete.
I guess we can shut down this site now and send her back to AOSHQ.
It is common internet knowledge that WP wraps his private parts in Reynold’s Wrap ™
Hey – I do the same thing. Except in my case it’s to prevent freezer burn.
#207
Jefferson, is that you?
now, I am NOT a violent person, sometimes I have to GET violent, but its not by intention you understand, that’s just what happens sometimes, but the one!! thing!!! that always sets me off …
oh man, if that catch’s on my history of goonery is gonna get even uglier.
Hey come on, I was just channeling Wickedpinto.
You think you could ever wash that stuff off deb? It ain’t easy, I know, I been wallowing in it for some time.
You’re not so bad, WP. Actually, you’re kind of sweet.
What’s the nocturnal/diurnal rhythm among the Splitters? I get my best moroncommenting done between the hours of 11 PM and 4 AM
On a typical day, we get about half our traffic during the day, and half after the 5-6 p.m. commuting slump (which is about to happen).
Traffic is usually good until at least 1 a.m., and then drops off quickly until it picks up again the next morning. The Sitemeter data for last night was pretty typical.
I’m referring to Eastern time.
My impression is that commenting activity sort of corresponds to the traffic data, except that I think it is somewhat skewed to the evening surge of traffic rather than the daytime one, and it can vary a lot depending on what’s going on in the threads.
garsh.
Like lenny from “of mice and men”
Not speaking for Nice Deb, but more like Lenny from “& Squiggy”
Don’t squarsh it!
that would be funny mesa.
Wickedpinto in the vernacular of the depression era west.
WP as Tom Joad — “get back on the truck ma, before I break your ass!”
WP would probably be better as one of the bystanders during the bank robbery from “Raising Arizona” instead:
“Hold on there sonny. If’n we freeze, we can’t rightly drop, and if’n we drop, we’re gonna be in motion. Which is it?”
I can picture WP as ‘Sailor’ from Wild at Heart.
Sailor: Did I ever tell ya that this here jacket represents a symbol of my individuality, and my belief in personal freedom?
Lula: About fifty thousand times.
Yeah, that’s him, Mesa.
My son just showed me, 300 For Kids. It’s probably made the rounds by now, but in case you haven’t seen it, it’s pretty funny:
Do any of you listen to The Bob and Tom radio show? They have a recurring character named “Donnie Baker”; who is what I imagine WP sounds like in person.
I swear to God I do. I’ll say it right to his face.
this guy?
No, not even close, if you actually believe that, then if fortune ever blesses to being allowed to stand in my presence, you will like shit yourself and just how normal I really am.
That clip was awful.
I think Donnie is pretty funny on the radio, and that’s the voice I hear in my head when I read your writing.
If fortune ever blesses me with your august presence, I will buy you a beer. It’s what I do. Compos might shit himself, but that’s just what HE does.
If fortune ever blesses me with your august presence, I will buy you a beer.
Time to practice my WP impersonation and score on some free beer.
You’ll be amazed at how much WP can put away.
Pupster is good for beers, I’ll vouch for that.
Pupster is good for beers, I’ll vouch for that.
I don’t believe you. Pupster and I live in the same town. I tried to get together with Pupster at a local joint — Cosmos — and he told me it was a gay bar. I’m not making this up. Pupster, call me out if I’m lying.
I swear on the graves of my sainted alcoholic Swedish Lutheran ancestors, I just thought the guys at Cosmos were friendly.
Hint for Michael: Bars called “The Manhole” are not named such because they are the favorite hangout of local sewage workers.
Bars called “The Manhole” are not named such because they are the favorite hangout of local sewage workers.
That’s what got me in trouble in Long Beach. I should have realized that there were no miners anywhere near “The Mineshaft.”
Pupster, call me out if I’m lying
I don’t think pup wants to relive that memory, goodness knows I don’t.
Was that out loud?
Thanks for the tip, Steve, but my favorite place is now a friendly joint called “The Glory Hole” so your advice does not really apply.
There are a lot of “dicks” dining joints. Basicaly they are a bunch of long tables, you pay way to much to be surrounded by a bunch of raucous assholes and it’s a lot of fun.
In chicago, It’s “dicks in rear” cuz the entrance is off the street and rather by the lake or the river, I forget which. There is also Dicks by the dock” (I think thats it) in SD and I think in houston there is another “dicks” place, though I forget what it’s title was, I’ve never been there.
Imagine ed debevicks only the customers are assholes, rather than the wait staff.
That formula of homo-erotic referencing isn’t absolute, but a decent basic axiom.
Dallas-Dick’s Last Resort. Absolutely filled with assholes. I met my husband there. Of course, if he happens to read this, he wasn’t one of them.
The post script on the invitation from Michael to have a beer was what made me pause;
“P.S. Wear something daring.”
Pups, I live near you and Mikey. I’ll go to the gay bar with you! Those guys know how to DANCE.
If anyone loves bbq (I LOVE BBQ) and you’re in downtown Chicago, I recommend a walk to Navy Pier to stuff your face at a place called Joe’s Bebop Cafe. It’s not fancy, it’s very reasonably priced, and they make their own microbrew. I had half a chicken, beans with cornbread, and fries for $15. Pints of brew were $4 I think. Maybe $5. I was in heaven.
I was in heaven.
“And then I crapped myself.”
lol.
F’n bite me 🙂
Bars called “The Manhole” are not named such because they are the favorite hangout of local sewage workers.
I recall one in Waco in the late 70s called “The Other End”.
I appreciated that they made it clear what they were all about in case you really didn’t want to go.
I appreciated that they made it clear what they were all about in case you really didn’t want to go.
And yet, curiousity still got the better of you. Not that there’s nothing wrong with that.
Sorry, compos. Just couldn’t resist.
Ok, it’s settled then.
KC and Michael, meet me at “The Blue Oyster” for beers.
I might be late…start without me.
Blue Oyster…
Sounds like a Working Class Lesbian Bar.
The Blue Oyster, I believe, was the name of the bar in Police Academy, no?
It was.