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Great Apes Threatened By Global Warming!!! May 30, 2007

Posted by Michael in Economics, Food, Politics.
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Yet another crisis.

Apparently, as we shift away from fossil fuels to save our species from extinction, the increasing use of palm oil and so forth will threaten the habitat of great apes.

Great apes are facing an “inevitable crisis” arising from climate change, a leading conservationist has warned.

Dr Richard Leakey said that growing pressure to switch from fossil fuels to biofuels could result in further destruction of the animals’ habitats.

The chair of WildlifeDirect called for immediate action and proposed financial incentives to save forests from destruction as one possible solution.

He said: “Climate change will undoubtedly impact everything we know.”

I bet that “financial incentives” means that my taxes will go up.

Nobody seems to be thinking about the upside of global warming. For example, if the polar ice caps suddenly melt and Florida is submerged by cataclysmic flooding, I’m thinking that Social Security and Medicare would both be solvent. That’s a good thing, right?

I’m actually OK with the extinction of great apes. A few years ago, a gorilla jumped through my bedroom window and attacked me, so I had to wrestle with it. Like that Israeli guy had to wrestle with a leopard.

I finally subdued it with a Half Nelson. My kids thought this was hilarious, but this gorilla was actually dangerous. He looked mean.

So, if global warming wipes out these pests, I’m really pretty relaxed about it.

BBC NEWS | Science/Nature | Great apes ‘facing climate peril’

I realize that I have been remiss lately in offering excellent music selections. Sorry, I’ve just been lazy about it.

I’ll make it up to you with this one:

[sonific=6171853143e51f0d8d872839a7552a8e7ea6a178]

Comments»

1. Russ from Winterset - May 30, 2007

Damn dirty apes. They chose to lag behind the curve with evolution, and now their chickens are coming home to roost.

So global warming is going to wipe them out. The downside is that I’ll have a hard time finding a replacement for the gorilla-fur liners on my favorite mukluks. The upside? Ceasar will never be born, apes will never revolt against their human overlords, and Chuck Heston won’t have to kneel on a beach in front of the remains of Lady Liberty.

All in all, it’s a wash in my opinion.

2. Enas Yorl - May 30, 2007

Ceasar will never be born, apes will never revolt against their human overlords, and Chuck Heston won’t have to kneel on a beach in front of the remains of Lady Liberty.

Sorry, but this is wrong. If you recall, Ceasar was born to the sentient chimp side of the simianosphere, not the gorrilla side. No, I’m afraid that we’ll still have Dr. Zais (the orangoutanginian side) bossing the humans around.

3. Dr. Zaius - May 30, 2007

Piss off.
Oh, and it’s spelled Zaius, thank you.
Stupid human.

4. skinbad - May 30, 2007

Crazed gorilla? You better go with the Full Nelson.

5. Ricky Nelson - May 30, 2007

Dad?

6. John - May 30, 2007

Aren’t apes supposed to start speaking and eventually take over anyways? I say let’s keep doing what we’re doing so we can maintain our rightful hegemony over this planey. Besides, we can use their remains to make solyent green taste better…

7. John - May 30, 2007

Damn. I see I was beaten to the punch on the Heston references…

8. Muslihoon - May 30, 2007

OT: “orangoutanginian” somehow reminds me of the word “Merovingian”.

Question: in either would the “g” be pronounced as “j”?

9. Michael - May 30, 2007

Yes, the “g” in “Merovingian” is definitely pronounced as a “j”.

I don’t really know about “orangoutanginian,” but I should think so. My best guess is that you would use a “j” sound, as in “Tangiers.”

10. geoff - May 30, 2007

gingivitian

11. Michael - May 31, 2007

I was talking about the second “g”, obviously.

The first “g” in “orangoutanginian” would be pronounced as in “tang,” and not as a “j” sound.

12. Russ from Winterset - May 31, 2007

“Sorry, but this is wrong. If you recall, Ceasar was born to the sentient chimp side of the simianosphere, not the gorrilla side. No, I’m afraid that we’ll still have Dr. Zais (the orangoutanginian side) bossing the humans around.”

Orange Tangs & Chimps are pussies. Without gorillas as muscle, the apes will never take over the world. Sure they might evolve speech, sentient thought & the ability to apply for a Citibank Visa, but they’ll never wrest control of the planet from our species. The Orange Tangs will just sit around like stoners eating Nutter Butters & doin’ bong hits, while the Chimps will join all the annoying PETA & Earth First humans in being so effing concerned about our environment that they just can’t help torching SUV’s & releasing minks from fur farms.

No gorillas means no ape rebellion & nuclear war – which means no Ape City & Forbidden Zone with all of Dubya-Pee’s descendents wearing tinfoil on their faces & singing hymns to the cobalt bomb – which means no James Franciscus/Chuck Heston fight scene – which means Zira & Cornelius can’t fly the repaired spaceship back through the wormhole to 1970 Earth – which means Ceasar won’t be born & grow up under the tutelage of Ricardo KHAN! Montalban – which means that apes will never have the leader they need to take over what appears to be the same community college campus (check out the cool Soviet-style architecture) somewhere near Vancouver that they use for all the Stargate SG1 & Outer Limits episodes – which means that humanity will be saved……….until SkyNet goes on line.

13. eddiebear - May 31, 2007

^settle down now!

But back to the topic:

why is it everything is threatening everything? A few days ago, my grilled pork steak was causing cancer, now trying to reduce my carbon offsets will kill KoKo? Good grief! I’m just going to go back to drinking heavily and stabbing my cousin with a pitchfork!

14. harrison - May 31, 2007

Let’s just start BBQing the gorillas and end two problems.
No?

15. Russ from Winterset - May 31, 2007

What wine goes with gorilla steaks? White? Red? Nite Train?

16. harrison - May 31, 2007

Pretty much any wine made from grAPES.

17. eddiebear - May 31, 2007

mad dog 20/20

18. geoff - May 31, 2007

Barefoot Bubbly?

19. Ricky Nelson - May 31, 2007

Thunderbird.

20. Ricky Nelson - May 31, 2007

BTW, I’m in Rock ‘n Roll Heaven in case you were curious.

21. Bon Scott - May 31, 2007

Piss off you wanker. All the great ones are down here with me.

22. Dave in Texas - May 31, 2007

Night Train

23. eddiebear - May 31, 2007

^Ripple?

24. lauraw - May 31, 2007

A few years ago, a gorilla jumped through my bedroom window and attacked me, so I had to wrestle with it.

Riiight.

This is the kind of on-the-spot excuse Michael comes up with when his family hears a commotion and rush in to find him spooning with a zoo animal.

25. lauraw - May 31, 2007

I finally subdued it with a Half Nelson.

One of these days you’re going to have to explain to the kids how that term doesn’t normally mean a gloved finger.

26. Muslihoon - May 31, 2007

What is a Half Nelson?

27. eddiebear - May 31, 2007
28. daveintexas - May 31, 2007

A “Half Nelson” is 10 ounces of Jack Daniels and a Tickle Me Elmo laced with catnip.

Think of it as a emergency rufie.

29. Ozzie Nelson - May 31, 2007

What is a Half Nelson?

That was Harriet’s nickname for my naughty bits.

30. lauraw - May 31, 2007

It’s a wrestling hold, Muslihoon.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nelson_hold

31. John - May 31, 2007

LOL! I can see why Michael hates you guys…

32. skinbad - May 31, 2007

Musli,

A “half nelson” is a legal (at least it used to be) wrestling hold where the perpetrator stands behind the perpetratee and puts one arm under the armpit of the victim. Then the hand is brought up and placed on the back of the head. The perpetrator can then exert painful downward pressure on the neck. The allows Michael’s free hand to give the gorilla the courtesy of a reach-around.

The “full nelson” is illegal in wrestling and was, in fact, used by Tarzan to break the neck of one his gorilla rivals who was stupid enough to get all up in his shit. So there is precedent.

33. skinbad - May 31, 2007

Or you could just follow LW’s link. Of course.

34. eddiebear - May 31, 2007

What about the DDT or pile driver?

35. lauraw - May 31, 2007

this gorilla was actually dangerous. He looked mean.

Until you rubbed banana pudding across your chest, right? Then he turned into your huggable lil’ punkin, didn’t he.

36. Michael not Dave in Texas oh no not him - May 31, 2007

He looked mean

Bring that one to me! That one, over there, the sultry one with the fire in his eyes!

37. John - May 31, 2007

The allows Michael’s free hand to give the gorilla the courtesy of a reach-around.

Been watching Full Metal Jacket again, eh?

38. skinbad - May 31, 2007

LauraW got a complimentary DVD with her subscription to Beautiful Plants and Creative Profanity.

39. nicedeb - May 31, 2007

At least it was only a gorilla that jumped through your bedroom window.
What if it was your mother in law, again? Or Bigfoot? Or Rosie?

40. kevlarchick - May 31, 2007

I’m a big fan of The Clothesline. Works on my kid every time.

He rounds a corner, unsuspecting, and SLAM! He’s flat on his back with the wind knocked outta him.

41. daveintexas - May 31, 2007

Wasn’t there a fan at a Bengals or Browns game that ran out on the sidelines and got completely upended by a player with a clothesline?

I seem to recall it. It was hilarious.

42. composmentis - May 31, 2007

What if it was your mother in law, again? Or Bigfoot? Or Rosie?

Ever notice how those three are never seen together or at the same time?

lw, you are a jewel.

43. pattyann - May 31, 2007

compos, lw is a jewel, as is NiceDeb.

44. BrewFan - May 31, 2007

You all are jewels. Except Sweet Cheeks. He’s a family jewel.

45. daveintexas - May 31, 2007

what the heck happened to my Xiang Xiang post?

oh well. he died.

46. lauraw - May 31, 2007

compos, you’re too good to me.

The bathroom’s down the hall. Here, take these drapes with you.

47. pattyann - May 31, 2007

Drapes in a bathroom? They give us these itty-bitty windows over the tub here in Texas. And no basements. Did I mention no basements?

48. lauraw - May 31, 2007

Oh, we won’t ever be using these drapes again, Patty Ann.

49. skinbad - May 31, 2007

Or the bathroom. We’ll seal it like Chernobyl.

50. Anonymous - May 31, 2007

“Good grief! I’m just going to go back to drinking heavily and stabbing my cousin with a pitchfork!”

Hang on a sec there, crackerjack, who’s older? We need to straighten that out before we get out teh pitchforks and other agricultural enhancement implements.

51. geoff - May 31, 2007

Here, take these drapes with you.

You better send some girl’s soccer shorts along as well.

52. Muslihoon - May 31, 2007

I thank y’all!

53. PattyAnn - May 31, 2007

I have read that story and don’t remember drapes. Now i’ll have to go hurt myself laughing again.

54. Mrs. Peel - May 31, 2007

btw, skinny, Tarzan did not use the half-nelson against Bolgani, the gorilla. He had just acquired his father’s knife at that point, and that’s how he killed Bolgani, the gorilla. It was later, after Tarzan took over the leadership of the tribe of Kerchak (“great apes,” a species Burroughs invented, not gorillas), that he discovered the half-nelson and subsequently the full nelson in a wrestling match with Terkoz, who challenged his authority. However, he did not kill Terkoz, but rather forced him to say ka-goda, reasoning that Terkoz was no good to the tribe dead.

Tarzan did, however, use the full nelson to kill Sabor, the lioness, when she was trying to get into the hut where Jane Porter and Esmerelda were, and I think he uses it again in the later books.

And now you know!

55. William McKinley - May 31, 2007

You know, I sit here, reading Mrs. Peel’s comment.

And I know, in my bones, she did not google it up.

Well done. Very well done.

56. Dave in Texas - May 31, 2007

oh crap

57. Mrs. Peel - May 31, 2007

No google. I did have to refer to my copy of the book, though; I had forgotten that Tarzan leaves Terkoz alive.

58. Dave in Texas - May 31, 2007

I have two 1931 prints of a couple of Edgar R Burroughs works.

Found em in a church book sale in Delaware Water Gap PA in 1982.

Snapped em up for 1.25.

And you continue to amaze me.

uh, I mean, go to bed young lady!

59. lauraw - May 31, 2007

If you send her to bed early she’s only going to read her Tarzan books with a flashlight under tented bedsheets.

That’s what they do, you know.

60. daveintexas - June 1, 2007

*snif*

It’s so true.

61. Mrs. Peel - June 1, 2007

Well, would you rather have to punish a kid for staying up late reading, or for doing drugs or something?

62. Dave in Texas - June 1, 2007

Would she share the drugs?

63. skinbad - June 1, 2007

Thanks for putting me some knowledge, P. I read them all, but it’s been many years.

*hangs head in shame*

64. geoff - June 1, 2007

If you send her to bed early she’s only going to read her Tarzan books with a flashlight under tented bedsheets.

Hey, now. If a . . . person, say . . you know, just some random person picked as a for instance and not really resembling any person here . . . well, if that totally hypothetical person *did* happen to do such a thing . . . not saying, of course, that anybody ever would, well . . . is it really fair to criticize them 35 years later after they’ve grown up and had two kids and are so way much more mature and stuff?

True confessions: Monday night I started reading We Few (the thrilling, but not terribly well written conclusion to the 4-book March Upcountry series), and ended up staying up until 3:30 am to finish it. Wasn’t even that good, but I couldn’t stop reading it. Someday I’ll get some willpower.

…under tented bedsheets.

…look Ma! No hands!

65. lauraw - June 1, 2007

ewww

66. Dave in Texas - June 1, 2007

Don’t let the cat see that geoff. They think it’s a mouse.

67. geoff's cat - June 1, 2007

Don’t let the cat see that geoff. They think it’s a mouse.

Naw. Too small to be a mouse.

68. Kitty Nutlancer - June 1, 2007

OK, that inspired me to come up with the worst porno name ever.

69. Rod Slitter - June 1, 2007

Or maybe this one.

70. Tawny Sphincter - June 1, 2007

A ha ha haaa

71. Dave in Texas - June 1, 2007

Naw. Too small to be a mouse.

Were you at AoS last week when we were all having a contest to describe our manly “inadequacy”?

That was some fun.

Except it made me cry.

72. Fluffy Ballnipper - June 1, 2007

maybe this one?

73. Rocco Titbasher - June 1, 2007

NICE, Fluffy. I’m impressed.

74. Gus Pustulence - June 1, 2007

Hey, what are all you guys doing here? Back on the set?

75. geoff - June 1, 2007

I’m gonna need counseling now.

76. Ginger Muffin - June 1, 2007

I refuse to do another scene with Rod!

77. Fanny Leakey - June 1, 2007

Hey big guy. C’mere, I got somethin’ for ya.

78. harrison - June 1, 2007

Fanny Leakey

Compos Mentis?

79. Gina Yeasty - June 1, 2007

Ha!

80. daveintexas - June 1, 2007

Well this turned badly.

81. eddiebear - June 1, 2007

And you would expect otherwise?

82. Dave in Texas - June 1, 2007

Oh goodness no. I’m just surprised at how quickly we arrived here without alcohol.

83. Anonymous - June 1, 2007

Enos the penis?

84. daveintexas - June 1, 2007

you just now got that?

85. gill - September 24, 2007

im a man and i like othr men help

86. Ana - September 25, 2007

hi.. can u help me doing a school work about the geen apes and their extinction. thank u

87. raquel - September 25, 2007

*sorry:
hi.. can u help me doing a school work about the great apes and their extinction??? thank u…

88. jake - February 12, 2009

i think ur all lies ovbs a ape didnt jump threw ur window and u had to fight it off you would of lost idiot


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