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The Innocent Bystanders Global Warming Cookbook™ July 29, 2007

Posted by Michael in Food.

August is coming, and it’s going to get hot. Real hot. Especially because our poor vulnerable planet, our beloved Mother Gaia, is under attack by SUV drivers emitting greenhouse gases that cause GLOBAL WARMING.

It’s been a while since we posted recipes, and Mrs. Michael had a great idea. Let’s strike a blow in the fight against GLOBAL WARMING by posting some cool recipes to help us through August.

Here’s Mrs. Michael’s entry:

Keeping Cool while the Globe Warms will be a cinch with recipes like this!


  • 1 pound smoked breast of turkey meat
  • 1 cantaloupe
  • Pea pods or frozen peas
  • 1 can black beans or kidney beans, drained of liquid
  • 1/2 red onion or small bunch of scallions
  • 1 each of a red, green, and yellow bell pepper
  • 1 cucumber peeled and seeded
  • Poppy Seed dressing, or other sweet-sour dressing like Catalina or Russian

Chop, dice, julienne, or slice all ingredients and fold together in a large bowl. Chill for a few hours and serve.


I can vouch for the fact that this deceptively simple recipe is a hit at Casa Michael. Everybody loves it. The poppy seed dressing is your best bet. It really works well with the melon.

You are invited to fight GLOBAL WARMING by posting your cool August recipe in the thread below!


1. Wickedpinto - July 29, 2007

Yeah thats the IB authorized meal, even though it doesn’t have any hot sauce. As though dave would eat one nibble of that.

2. harrison - July 29, 2007

You need to put in a warning for the amount of preparation time needed to make this dish.
It takes forever to “Chop, dice, julienne, or slice” frozen peas.

3. Retired Geezer - July 29, 2007

Aunt Vickie’s Broccoli Salad

1 medium red onion, finely diced
2 –3 large bunches broccoli (take just the flowerettes and make them small)
1 pound bacon (cut and cooked until crispy)
1 cup raisins


1/4 cup sugar (I use Splenda)
1/2 cup mayonnaise (I use Miracle Whip Light)
1 Tbsp. vinegar

Top with sunflower seeds

It’s a real crowd pleaser.
Mrs. Geezer made it yesterday for dinner with friends.

4. lauraw - July 29, 2007

harrison, you lazy bitch.

Mrs. Michael minces those peas by hand with a razor blade. She gets about thirty pieces out of one pea.

5. harrison - July 29, 2007

harrison, you lazy bitch.


6. Pupster - July 29, 2007

Chilled Olive Salad

1 jar green olives, stuffed
#12 bamboo skewers
1 bottle vermouth
1 bottle vodka

In a tall glass, pour a small amount of vermouth and swish around to coat the sides of the glass

Discard vermouth

Add ice 3/4 of the way to the top of the glass

With bamboo skewer, impale olives to the same height as the ice in the glass

Pour a small amount of the olive juice (brine) into the glass, just enough to uncover the first few olives in the jar

Pour vodka over ice slowly, until liquid level floats ice in glass

Stir with olive skewer until well chilled and blended


Repeat as necessary

*Bonus – Through experimentation, try to find the perfect ratio of sips to olives*

7. Dave in Texas - July 29, 2007

I ain’t eatin nuthin with peas in it. Reminds me of poppin pimples. Bleh.

8. Mrs. Peel - July 29, 2007

Yeah, that sounds great. Serve me up a big heaping of that. Only, hold the peas, hold the peppers, hold the dressing, slice the cucumber and the onion into very thin slices, put the turkey, a couple cucumber slices, and one or two onion rings between two pieces of bread, preferably of the croissant variety, and serve the cantaloupe on the side. Now we’re talkin’!

9. Mrs. Peel - July 29, 2007

I’d like to amend my above comment to indicate that only about 1/4 pound of the turkey, at the most, should be in the sandwich. And I wouldn’t really combine cucumbers and onion in the same sandwich.

Here is a good dessert that is tasty and easy to make.

Very Simple Fruit Cocktail

-Fruit (Your call which types. I like this best when the fruits are strawberries, raspberries, blackberries, grapes, and maybe kiwi or banana as well. But this will work for any fruit.)
-Ginger ale
-Whipped cream

1. Before dinner, wash fruit and/or cut into bite-size morsels as necessary. Mix in a large bowl and chill in refrigerator.
2. Eat dinner.
3. After dinner, get out your stem glasses (like this one). Put a scoop of mixed fruit and a bit of ginger ale in each glass (enough to get the fruit wet, but not enough to fill the glass).
4. Finally, add whipped cream on top to taste.

There you are – a cool, refreshing, and delicious dessert that also happens to be at least marginally healthful. (In the South, we can take anything that’s good for you and make it very, very bad for you.)

10. Mrs. Peel - July 29, 2007

by the way, my first comment wasn’t meant to insult Mrs. Michael’s recipe, but rather to make fun of myself for being a picky eater, while also recalling that story where the guy wants two slices of toast and ends up having to order a BLT and tells them to hold the bacon, hold the lettuce, hold the tomato, hold the mayo, and toast the bread. Or something.

Anyway, I just realized that my comment probably didn’t come across well without the information one would ordinarily get from the tone of voice and body language. So I wanted to say: no offense intended, Lady Michael.

11. harrison - July 29, 2007

Mrs. Peel, this one?

12. mesablue - July 29, 2007

Pupster’s recipe gets my vote. I substitute gin for vodka in my olive salad, though.

13. daveintexas - July 29, 2007

I’m more of a gin and tonic guy when I’m having gin with my salad.

14. Michael - July 29, 2007

Pupster’s recipe gets my vote.

Me too. That’s the best salad recipe I’ve ever seen.

Now I’m starting to believe there is some hope that we can defeat GLOBAL WARMING.

15. Lady Michael - July 29, 2007

I just got on today and laughed my tushy off reading this comment thread. You guys are a scream!! Laura and Harrison chopping up tiny peas got me good!

Michael can attest to my laughter. He is one floor below me and even with the doors closed I’m sure my har-hars and guffaws are annoying him down there!!!

Geezer — we love that broccoli salad — but we also add shredded cheddar cheese and substitute Crasins (dried cranberries) instead of the raisins.

Mrs. P — as soon as I started reading your comments I began to think of the scene from Five Easy Pieces. No offense — at all. I had a good laugh!

Pupster — I love your salad — but I’m with Mesa — I prefer gin… Bols Dutch gin — icy cold and no ice. Dave, have you tried Bols?

BTW — I sent Michael a great photo of my salad — but I noticed he didn’t post it. Too bad! It’s real pretty.

16. Michael - July 29, 2007

Oops. I didn’t notice the photo. I was too busy composing my hilarious global warming intro for the recipe.

17. mesablue - July 29, 2007

Michael’s still figuring out this here blog, er, commenting thingy.

18. Lady Michael - July 29, 2007

Thanks for posting the photo, Sweetie!

19. Pupster - July 29, 2007

Gin? Hmmm…
*makes note in cookbook*

20. lauraw - July 29, 2007

I saw a part of an old Doris Day/ Clark Gable film this morning.

Clark Gable made a martini by shaking a vermouth bottle, wiping the moistened cork around the edge of the mixing pitcher, then filling with vodka and ice.
Laughed my ass off.

Here’s a very refreshing recipe on a hot day. I haven’t made it in years, and am just guessing at the measurements. But it’s pretty hard to screw up. It’s just ice.

Cantaloupe Ice

3/4 cup sugar
1 cup water
1 Tbsp lemon juice
1 smallish ripe cantaloupe, peeled and cubed

Sugar and water go in a small saucepan. Heat to boiling and let it cook a couple minutes. Set aside to cool a bit.

Puree the cantaloupe in a blender or processor. You may pass it through a fine sieve if you’re fussy like that, or just add the lemon juice and sugar syrup and blend like I do.

Freeze in an ice cream maker.

OR (old fashioned method)

Pour in a container and cover. Place in freezer, scraping and stirring every 30 minutes or so until frozen firm and fluffy.

I’ve done this recipe with honeydew melons too. It’s very good, but they have to be dead ripe.

21. daveintexas - July 29, 2007

I have not tried Bols (it’s been a few years since I really had any gin – I was kind of a Tanqueray guy).

lauraw, was the movie “Teacher’s Pet”?

22. bartwing plover - July 29, 2007


23. Pupster - July 29, 2007
24. lauraw - July 29, 2007

My favorite Italian ice is almond ice. I like lemon ice which is the basic stuff, and also I love the homemade stuff made from other fresh fruits, but I have to get to the Hartford bakeries now and then to get my almond ice fix.

In Philly I know they call it ‘Water Ice,’ which is evidence of high levels of lead in their drinking water and of the general mental retardation in that area. Water Ice. For Fuck’s sake.

But anyway: Is Italian ice a regional thing or do you Southern and Western folks make it too?

25. Retired Geezer - July 29, 2007

I wouldn’t really combine cucumbers and onion in the same sandwich.

Disclaimer: I don’t cook.

But even I can make this:

Cut up cucumbers, tomatoes and onions.
Put ’em in a bowl.
Add vinegar.

26. eddiebear - July 29, 2007

I just grilled some pork chops soaked in tequila lime juice and then covered in flour.


27. Lady Michael - July 29, 2007

Laura — I love cantaloupe and I think I’ll be trying your recipe. Sounds very refreshing.

28. lauraw - July 29, 2007

It is the best snowcone ever, Mrs. Michael.

29. eddiebear - July 29, 2007


My wife’s cucumber salad has onions in it and it is very good.

30. lauraw - July 30, 2007

This was my first instinct, but didn’t want to say it before:

My Italian grandmother used to make a Summer salad of orange slices mixed with slivered fresh onions and a little piquant dried oregano.

We ate this as a side dish to whatever meat was on the table Sunday lunch. Went quite well with fish, rabbit or pork. Bright and fresh flavors. Sweet mixing with savory is very traditional fare.

But today, not so much. What has happened to our American cuisine?

I have an American recipe book passed down prematurely to me from my mother in law, that has the most horrific recipes in there that I haven’t tried. All cultures that were here about 1940, their recipes are in it.

They seem horrific to me because I am becoming one of the macaroni and cheese people, against my will and upbringing.

Somebody bring me a goddamn half-cooked snail like Nonna used to make. I’ll huff it right out of it’s shell. With some garlic and olive oil.

Set me aright with foods again.

31. geoff - July 30, 2007

I am becoming one of the macaroni and cheese people

Pasteurized processed cheese food. It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

32. Wickedpinto - July 30, 2007

Pico de gaillo and a lightly toasted flower tortilla.

33. Wickedpinto - July 30, 2007

I sent Michael a great photo of my salad
is that what you kids are calling it nowadays?
(what an easy goto joke)

34. forged rite - July 30, 2007

Kraft Macaroni and Cheese

1 box Kraft Macaroni and Cheese


butter and milk (if you’re rich)

1sliced hot dog (if you’re super rich)

Boil water

Add macaroni and cook until water boils over and puts out flame

Drain water (use a colander if you’re a weak girlie man who’s afraid to get a little scalding)

Stir in butter, milk and glorious mystery powder

Add raw sliced hot dog because you forgot to cook it

Eat right from pan since all your dishes are piled up in the sink

35. Michael - July 30, 2007

Forged Rite:

You got the recipe right, but you forgot to mention that this dish should be washed down with Jägermeister and a Red Bull.

36. Michael - July 30, 2007

Or, if you’re not super rich enough to afford Jägermeister and a Red Bull, it goes well with beer.

37. Slublog - July 30, 2007

Chicken Tortellini Salad

2-3 chicken breasts
I bag cheese tortellini
I bag of the frozen vegetable mix that includes broccoli, cauliflower and carrots
1/2 – 1 bottle light Italian or Caesar dressing
Grated parmsean cheese

Cook chicken breasts any way you choose – I prefer grilled for the flavor. Cook the rest of the stuff and allow it to cool. Mix together, add the dressing to taste and toss. Sprinkle with cheese.

38. Lipstick - July 30, 2007

Pepper Slaw

1 Head of Cabbage
2 Small Carrots (or 1 big one)
1 Green Pepper

[The three ingredients above were added by Site Administration to fix this recipe!]
1 Cup White Vinegar
2 Cups Sugar
1/4 Cup Water
1 tsp Mustard Seed
1 tsp Celery Seed

Boil 1 minute, stir, cool.

Shred a head of cabbage, add 1 tsp salt and set aside 1 hour.

Dice carrot and pepper and mix all together when sugar-vinegar mix has cooled.

[Site Administration: Add 6 dashes of Marie Sharp’s Belizean Habenero Pepper Sauce while mixing.]

You will have extra sugar-vinegar mix which can be refrigerated for months.

My mother puts paprika on top of the slaw, but I prefer it without.

Finished product can be frozen.

39. lauraw - July 30, 2007

What kind of pepper and how much?

40. Lipstick - July 30, 2007

Well, that’s the thing. I don’t use any.

Maybe it’s called that because of the sprinkling of paprika on top just before serving (which I don’t like)

Anyway, it’s lighter and more summery than regular cole slaw.

41. lauraw - July 30, 2007

In the recipe above you told us to “dice carrot and pepper.” But there’s no quantities in the ingredients list.

This fills the reader with petulant fury. The reader is pouting.

42. Lipstick - July 30, 2007

Oh darn. I just take some of a carrot and some of a green pepper, finely dice them and throw it in. It adds a bit of color to the slaw.

Sorry for the confusion.

43. Sobek - July 30, 2007

Not sorry enough.

And forged rite, you’ve effectively summed up my entire college gastronomic experience.

44. daveintexas - July 30, 2007

Dump Tabasco ™ on all this stuff and all will be well.

Trust Davey.

45. See-Dubya - July 30, 2007
46. Lipstick - July 30, 2007

Not sorry enough.

Yeah, prolly.

The Pepper Slaw speaks: Bite me Sobek

47. daveintexas - July 30, 2007

Yeah, like I’d rush anywhere to save a cat.

On the flip side, while I was driving to Dallas today, I learned that Sam from Sales is on before 8 now.


48. Michael - July 30, 2007

But there’s no quantities in the ingredients list. This fills the reader with petulant fury.

Oh darn. I just take some of a carrot and some of a green pepper, finely dice them and throw it in. Sorry for the confusion.

Erm, Lipstick, I hate to sound picky, but I don’t think “some of” is actually a quantity that will dispel the confusion (or mollify Laura’s petulant fury).

49. Slublog - July 30, 2007

Dan’s Salad

1 box mulitcolored rotini
1 cup pepperoni, diced
1 green pepper, diced
1 cup sharp cheddar cheese, diced
1/2 – 1 bottle Caesar dressing

Boil rotini, add everything else. Dump dressing over it and eat.

50. Lipstick - July 31, 2007

Erm, Lipstick, I hate to sound picky, but I don’t think “some of” is actually a quantity that will dispel the confusion (or mollify Laura’s petulant fury).

Well, you just eyeball it. Old School Style.


51. Michael - July 31, 2007


All right, I’ve had it, I’m going to go fix your recipe!!!

52. mesablue - July 31, 2007


I’m guessing you have cupboards filled with different kinds of salad dressing in your house.

53. lauraw - July 31, 2007

Thank goodness, Michael. I was sitting here in a petulant fury™ all night long. It was starting to turn into a simmering rage™. After that of course, it’s only a hop and a skip away from being in a nasty snit.™

54. Slublog - July 31, 2007

I’m guessing you have cupboards filled with different kinds of salad dressing in your house.

Everything tastes better with salad dressing.

55. daveintexas - July 31, 2007

See-dubya, if’n you’re out there on the intertubes today, I heard Sam from Sales on my way to Dallas yesterday morning. He’s on before 8.

56. Lipstick - July 31, 2007


Michael you ruined my recipe by adding hot sauce!

In exactly two weeks I will be in Honduras, right next to your precious Belize. There I will take photos of all the hot sauce that I will NOT be sending you!


57. wiserbud - July 31, 2007


I was worried about you:

Oh, I wouldn’t worry about Dave too much

58. daveintexas - July 31, 2007

hey, I don’t know nuthin about it.

59. lauraw - July 31, 2007

Sorry to hear about your ‘retirement plan,’ Dave.

60. daveintexas - July 31, 2007

you think that’s bad? you should see my new dental plan.

61. eddiebear - July 31, 2007


Now I know where Sandy Burger went.

62. compos mentis - August 1, 2007

Dave, have you tried Bols?

Is that pronounced “bowls” or “balls”? 🙂

63. ariadisfida - August 2, 2007

ehi, lauraw–love your italian recipes! also in italy there is granita di caffe (con panna, se la vuoi), which is super satisfying in the summer. you just make coffee in your moka stove top espresso machine (or brew really strong normal-people coffee) and then put in lots of sugar and let it cool. then leave it in the freezer in a metal bowl and scrape it up every half hour or so. everytime you go in the kitchen, ahhhh. also, when making lemon granita, its really good if you put in lemon peel (without pith) in with the hot sugar water and lemon juice. hai capito?

64. lauraw - August 2, 2007

I got it, thanks!

The coffee ice sounds good. I like a nice chilled coffee on hot afternoons.

65. Anonymous - May 7, 2009


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