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The Retrosexual Man September 14, 2007

Posted by composmentis in Man Laws.
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All this talk about boobs got me to thinking about something I received in an email some time ago.  The words rang true then, as they do now.

Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like “style” and “feng-shui.” Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual – bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world!

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, and yell “ENOUGH!” I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement.

The Retrosexual Code :

A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS WITH IT, be it a flat tire, a home break-in, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn’t worry about living to be 90. It’s not how long you live, but how well. If you’re 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a god.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.

Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an end cap (possibly 2 end caps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he’s 30 years old.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the “DEALING WITH IT” portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with “Queer” in the title.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little wuss, and in the long run, she ain’t worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn’t pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie — and ONLY a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can’t hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can — or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it’s just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things that just need a little “wakin’ up”.

Crying. There are very few reasons for which a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your truck.

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted “you punks” look on his face.

A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship – i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.

A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride in a snow bank.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land. Except on his truck–that would happen because of a “force of nature”, and then the retrosexual man’s options are to Cry, or to DEAL with IT, or do both.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt’s) NOTE: The persons in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

A Retrosexual man doesn’t need a contract — a handshake is good enough.

He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

A Retrosexual man doesn’t immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!

Comments»

1. Mrs. Michael - September 14, 2007

Reading this was like someone opened a window and let the fresh air in. THANKS!

2. Retired Geezer - September 14, 2007

Word.

3. geoff - September 14, 2007

…and a Retrosexual doesn’t feel compelled to categorize everything with dorky East Coast fashion magazine trendoid names.

4. Retired Geezer - September 14, 2007

Retrosexual men always remove the Bore Sighting device before shooting their deer rifles.

5. Mr Minority - September 14, 2007

This post fits right into what I posted this morning:

Proof Metrosexual Men are Nancy Boys!

6. Sticky B - September 14, 2007

We used to have a another word for people like this. We called them “men”. Back then anyone who wasn’t a “man” stayed in the fuckin’ closet or at least faked it pretty damned well. Thanks to diversity we now have to have a special label like Retrosexual when we refer to these individuals. In some ways I miss the old days.

7. John Edwards - September 14, 2007

Oh my. Oh dearie dear me. This is…..this is…… Oh my.

Vote Edwards ’08!

8. compos mentis - September 14, 2007

#7 D’oh!! That was obvious!

Well done.

9. Elizabeth Edwards - September 14, 2007

So, I’m a retrosexual?

10. eddiebear - September 14, 2007

My wife has all those f*^king shows from HGTV, TLC and Bravo on all the time. I cannot believe how arrogant and snooty the hosts on those shows are.

Oh, and Sticky, my gay friend is more manly in his pursuits and hobbies (Harleys, hunting and rugby) than most straight men.

11. kevlarchick - September 14, 2007

I know many Retros. Hot men all.

I have noticed Retro men, when entering a public place like a restaurant, sit facing the door. They survey the scene for threat potential. Retro men on airplanes are in the same mode–scanning the people and making eye contact with other Retros in the pack.

Great post compos. I’ve also heard the expression “a man’s man.”

12. pajama momma - September 14, 2007

retrosexual=sexy

13. pajama momma - September 14, 2007

although I do like the expression “a man’s man” better

14. eddiebear - September 14, 2007

We should expand the shows retros don’t watch to include
Desperate Housewives
Oprah
Dr Phil
Ice Skating
Anything on Bravo (except when The Godfather is on)

15. compos mentis - September 14, 2007

Did anyone else notice that paraffin treatments and shaving off your body hair are so gay that they didn’t even make the list of stuff a man’s man does not do?

16. S. Weasel - September 14, 2007

A retrosexual might know the words to the Star Spangled Banner, but only a castrado could actually sing them. That sucker goes flying up the scale…

17. euphrosyne1115 - September 14, 2007

Could you add “takes off his hat during the National Anthem?” And “doesn’t worry about his manliness?”

And eddiebear, is Bravo the channel that shows the bastardized, cut-up, re-edited version of The Godfather? Because if it is, a real man doesn’t watch that, either – he owns the DVDs. Or bought them for his wife.

18. Radu - May 15, 2008

Am I still considered to be a “retro” if I’m “moved” when I hear the anthem of my country being played or should I stop that?

19. stege - May 15, 2008

What kind of fucking fegget lame straight-wannabe message is this? seriously…

20. Mrs. Yoder - November 13, 2009

My husband showed me this this morning and I love it! I’m tempted to make the Retrosexual list for women because I’m sick of feminists ruining everything for everyone. If I do, I’ll definitely link back to you as the originator because you deserve the attention.

You know what is sad? When I met my husband, he was a hairy, muscle-bound guy trying to fit in with a bunch of anorexic goths and failing. After a while with me, he finally realized that I didn’t want a nancy boy, I wanted a real man. He relaxed enough to tell me about his favorite things (guns, leatherwork, blacksmithing). He thought all girls wanted someone who crawled out of an anime. Thankfully, he was wrong and now he can be himself. How many other metrosexuals are out there thinking the same thing and scared to ‘come out of the closet’ from where they’ve been forced? I think even real men do that out of expectation.

21. Retired Geezer - November 13, 2009

Let’s give Mrs. Yoder some traffic.

Mrs. Yoder

22. skinbad - November 13, 2009

Retired Geezer: For all your hairy, muscle-bound traffic needs.

23. Retired Geezer - November 13, 2009

*Geezer flexes in the mirror… shakes his head sadly and wanders off to groom the horses.

24. The Retrosexual Man (republished) | Innocent Bystanders - November 8, 2018

[…] wrote this evergreen screed more than 11 years ago. I ran across it recently and thought it needed to be […]


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