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What to do if you’re attacked by monkeys October 26, 2007

Posted by composmentis in Terrorist Hemorrhoids.

The deputy mayor of New Delhi, India, fell off his balcony and died Sunday after being attacked by monkeys, his family members say. The city has around 10,000 monkeys, some of which have taken to roaming government buildings as they steal food and rip apart documents.

Sounds like me when I’ve had too much junk food at the office carry-in.

What should you do if monkeys are picking on you? It’s like Mom said about muggers: Just give ’em what they want.

Also known as “The Democrat Way.”  Fuck that! Mom needs to grow a pair.

When monkeys get aggressive, it’s usually because they think you have something to eat. According to one study, about three-quarters of all the aggressive interactions between long-tailed macaques and tourists at Bali’s Padangtegal Monkey Forest involved food. If you are holding a snack, throw it in their direction, and they’ll stop bothering you.

Yeah monkey, I got somethin’ you can eat! *grabs crotch and starts gyrating* I have an idea. Why doesn’t the government hand out grenades painted to look like apples? After a few of these little bastards are reduced to nothing more than a grease spot on the sidewalk, they might think twice before taking food from strangers.

If you don’t have any food, hold out your open palms flip the monkeyfucks the double-bird to show you’re not carrying a tasty treat or back away from the monkeys without showing fear enter the nearest 7-Eleven, buy a Slurpee and a hot dog then procede to eat it right in front of the little assholes. To diffuse the situation, don’t make eye contact or smile with your teeth showing—in the nonhuman primate world, these are almost always signs of aggression.

They’re also signs of aggression when trying to pick up chicks in a bar.

What if you can’t or won’t appease the monkeys with food? You can try to chase them off by shaking a stick at them, but they might get violent if cornered. If they don’t budge, bop ’em on the head.

Now we’re talkin’. Screw the stick though. Tee off on their furry little monkey noggins with a 34 oz. Louisville Slugger and knock them back into the primordial soup. Flatten their flea-bitten asses like you’re trying to ring the bell and win a prize for your girl at the county fair.

Primatologists will sometimes send a macaque warning signal called the open mouth threat. Basically, form an “O” with your mouth, lean toward them with your body and head, and raise your eyebrows.

WTF? I’m trying to scare the little shits off, not look like I’m about to shoot my load.

Female victims and Democrats might seek protection in a group of men, since monkeys are somewhat afraid of males. But whatever you do, don’t freak out; those who scream, wave their arms, and run away are only going to make the macaques even more aggressive.

Macaques is a funny word.  It’s like part of a punchline . . . macaques on fire.

Despite all the monkey business, Delhi has refused to cull the macaques, which are sacred because of the Hindu reverence for Hanuman, the monkey god.

Just like in England, the fucking criminals have more rights than law abiding citizens.

Instead, the government has relocated some of the troublemakers and even brought in lanugrs, a mellower but larger monkey, to scare off the smaller macaques.

Yeah, because introducing new species in order to resolve issues with another one has always worked out well in the past.

Read the whole thing here.


1. Dave in Texas - October 26, 2007
2. eddiebear - October 26, 2007

^We need to form vigilante mobs to fight back, since it is obvious law & order have broken down.

3. Sobek - October 26, 2007

Democrats loves them some censorship:


4. Sobek - October 26, 2007

Iran’s military dangerously close to besting U.S. high school bands:


5. composmentis - October 26, 2007

Lauraw, is that you?

Ya know Sobek, you had me laughing out loud at some of your comments in the past couple of days, but now I think you’re just a thread-jacking shit. A jackshit threader. A threading shit-jacker. You’re dithhhhsssspicable.

6. kevlarchick - October 26, 2007

oh god compos, you’re KILLIN me. FUNNAY.

Sounds like these monkeys are developing a pack hunting mentality. What would you do if a pack of dogs was terrorizing your ‘hood? Kill em, that’s what. Not too complicated.

7. Charlton Heston - October 26, 2007


8. Sobek - October 26, 2007

I’ve become what I most hated!!!


9. Dr. Zaius - October 26, 2007

Where’s the love?

10. Mr Minority - October 26, 2007

When the little monkey bastards start yelling “Allah Akbar”, then it is time to start culling them.

11. Lipstick - October 26, 2007

Some little monkey bastards messed with my draft post.

*Making scary face and waving stick*

12. daveintexas - October 26, 2007

eh heh heh heh…

somebody noticed.

So publish that shit already!

13. Michael - October 26, 2007

*Michael puts on his innocent face*

14. maqaque - October 26, 2007

Quit monkeying around.

15. eddiebear - October 26, 2007

Makes me yearn for the days of Cheetah on Tarzan

16. eddiebear - October 26, 2007

I meant Cheetah in the Tarzan movies.

17. lauraw - October 26, 2007

Mwaaa Haaa Haaa haaaaa, Sobek.

Do not fear the Evil. It becomes you.

It’s compelling, and rich.

18. daveintexas - October 26, 2007

soon you will have an apartment full of leather bound books… and it will smell of rich mahogany.

19. BrewFan - October 26, 2007

I bought Pet Sounds today. One of the greatest albums ever recorded.

20. BrewFan - October 26, 2007

The CD has the original mono cuts on it and also the remastered stereo versions. 26 tracks. Sweet.

21. Tushar D - October 26, 2007

It is shit like this that is holding India back. They won’t kill the little shits because Hanuman, the loyal servant of Lord Raam, was a monkey. We have allowed religion to become more important than safe human existance.

My hometown had a big monkey menace a few years back. Citizens are not allowed guns (another peeve of mine). So people started buying air guns, and started having mini-battles with the monkeys. The monkeys wisely left the city.

22. Bart - October 26, 2007

Tushar, monkeys are very very very dump people.

How can you even think of killing them?

23. Mr Minority - October 26, 2007

Tushar, monkeys are very very very dump people.

How can you even think of killing them?

I wish we could kill our really really dumb people, then the court system would be a lot less backlogged, we would have no need for Priuses and Congress would be full of Republicans.

24. Edwards’ Campaign Tries To Kill UNC Video Story « Nice Deb - October 27, 2007

[…] tip: Sobek at IB. Posted in Dumb!, Just Sayin’, Really???, […]

25. Edwards’ Campaign Tries To Kill UNC Video Story « Nice Deb - October 27, 2007

[…] tip: Sobek at IB. Posted in Dumb!, Just Sayin’, Really???, […]

26. nicedeb - October 27, 2007

I found a picture of one of those monkey bastards and posted it at The Hostages:


27. nicedeb - October 27, 2007

I wonder why that link posted twice?^^^

*Runs back over to Nice Deb*

28. Cuffy Meigs - October 29, 2007

Monkeys? What about you-know-who-with-big-feet??

29. Dave in Texas - October 29, 2007


30. Someone - May 23, 2009

why the hell are we talking about monkeys? WTF?

31. Someone - May 23, 2009

I like the part above where it says to give ’em the double bird. mwahahahaha!

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