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One of My Fondest Christmas Memories November 27, 2007

Posted by daveintexas in Crime, Music, Philosophy, Women Ranting.

Writing happy Christmas songs for our dear friend LauraW.

Fun starts around #29.  I think we kept this up for a few days.

UPDATE: a couple of you morons added some new entries to the thread.

Christmas!  It’s a magical time of the year!


1. lauraw - November 28, 2007

1.) You people have got to stop embarrassing me.

2.) Christmas still sucks enormous donkey balls.

2. composmentis - November 28, 2007

Speaking of enormous donkey balls, I was flipping channels last evening and stopped on Man vs. Wild. They had skinned a goat and this Arabic looking desert guy, who spoke French, which I found interesting, offered the host of the show some raw goat testicle for his consumption. Not wanting to be rude, he ate it in two disgusting bites. I swear I heard it squirt in his mouth.

This must have been a damned big goat too, because its nuts were twice the size of my fist. Which made me feel inadequate. At first I thought they were tits, which later made me feel stupid.

It was an all-around bad experience for me and the guy eating the goat nards.

3. Dave in Texas - November 28, 2007

Said the crazy girl to the customer
Get your shit to-ge-ther (get your shit to-ge-ther)
you’re running out of time, no more time
Get your shit to-ge-ther (get your shit to-ge-ther)

It’s time, it’s time, the time is drawing near
Shit I hate this time of the year
I pure hate this time of the year

Said the customer to the crazy girl
Will it arrive to-mor-row? (will it arrive be to-mor-row)
I’ll prb’ly get it there after six
Will it arrive to-mor-row? (will it arrive to-mor-row)

My mom, my mom, has got to have this soon
Won’t you please get it there before noon?
Can’t you please get it there before noooon?

Said the maniac to people every-where
I swear I’m gonna kill you (swear I’m gonna kill you)
screaming madly, tearing at her hair
I gonna fucking kill you (gonna fucking kill you)

The rates, are high, for fast deliveries
That’s the goddamn way that it is
Just the god-damn way that, it is!

4. lauraw - November 28, 2007

People are shocked, SHOCKED that I can’t get a letter from Conn. to North Carolina by 5 pm today for $25.

Funny story I heard years ago from another store owner in NY: a young lady came in the store all in a rush to get this package to her husband ASAP. He needed it within the hour, a couple states away.

Employee tells her that the best they can do is tomorrow morning. She gets REAL pissy and huffy (you can’t tell these people that no such service exists, they don’t believe you) as if this whole problem is the store’s fault for not being able to bend space and time.

She asks them if they have a fax machine. Yes, of course they have a fax machine. Well, then, why don’t you just fax it!

“Ma’am, our fax machine is too small to send that package. Try another store.”

Don’t know how they kept from happy-slapping her.

5. eddiebear - November 28, 2007

I just had a really contentious call from a driver who didn’t call our customer ahead (like he was supposed to) and then wondered why the shipment was refused.
Good times!

6. lauraw - November 28, 2007

Well, sounds to me like it’s all your fault, Eddie.

7. eddiebear - November 28, 2007

Yeah. It’s all my fault. Especially since on the FREAKING DISPATCH FAX I TYPED it had “must call 24 hrs ahead or customer will refuse delivery”.

8. Dave in Texas - November 28, 2007

He needed it within the hour, a couple states away.

Don’t you have a Lear Jet on the pad, ready to go?

When I was working for a defense contractor in Northeast Texas, a guy from our Virginia office wanted me to take a contract to an officer at Ft. Bliss in El Paso. For some reason he was geography-challenged too. I could drive to Fairfax in less time than it takes to drive to El Paso.

9. Michael - November 28, 2007

Dave, what tune are you using?

10. Dave in Texas - November 28, 2007

It’s that obscure?

11. Michael - November 28, 2007

Wait, I guess it’s “Do you see what I see” or whatever the title is.

12. Dave in Texas - November 28, 2007


13. composmentis - November 28, 2007

That’s a lot funnier when sung to the tune. Not that it wasn’t amusing before, but now it’s more amusinger.

14. lauraw - November 28, 2007


Guess now I understand why so many foreigners who come to my store are terrified of the dog.

15. lauraw - November 28, 2007
16. lauraw - November 28, 2007
17. Michael - November 28, 2007


I guess the Christmas rush hasn’t started yet.

Good thing. We should have a great collection of carols to sing for Laura by the time it gets busy.

18. Michael - November 28, 2007

I sure wish we had contact information for a group of carolers in Laura’s home town.

19. lauraw - November 28, 2007


20. skinbad - November 28, 2007

I could get some people on her doorstep. I’ll bet they’d even sing.


21. West Haven Wassailers - November 28, 2007

Here we come…
Wassailing down the street
We get the funniest looks from
Every Hunchback we meet

22. lauraw - November 28, 2007

Close…there is a song a local radio station used to play called ‘Christmas Time In East Haven.’


23. composmentis - November 28, 2007


Was that the sound of a hammer cocking or the sound of a deadbolt locking?

Hey! That rhymes! Let’s rap …

Lauraw is her name
Sending packages is her game
She’s a humpbacked sorta creechuh
Don’t piss her off cuz she might eatcha

Hump-de-hump! Huh-huh-huh-hump-de-hump!

24. geoff - November 28, 2007

I sure wish we had contact information for a group of carolers in Laura’s home town.

Time for a conference call?

25. Michael - November 28, 2007

Time for a conference call?

Yeah, I’m thinking. Everybody please check your email for my conference number. Except Laura, of course.

26. Michael - November 28, 2007

IB Factoid of the Day:

“Viking Christmas” by RG got 125 hits on the day it was posted — Dec. 1, 2006. But it showed surprising longevity, continuing to garner substantial hits until April of 2007. It has received a total of 1,624 hits to date.

27. Mr Minority - November 28, 2007

Except Laura, of course.

You don’t have to worry about her anyway, her rotary phone doesn’t conference call.

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