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Traffic Report — We’re Still Tiny March 26, 2008

Posted by Michael in Websites.
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Compared to AOSHQ, that is. Innocent Bystanders has seen dramatic traffic growth in the last two years, but so has Ace. We’re sorta 8% of AOSHQ traffic. Here are the numbers:
AOSHQ
Ace of Spades HQ
Site Summary
   
VISITS
   
  Total 21,085,060  
  Average Per Day 38,228  
  Average Visit Length 0:35  
  Last Hour 2,774  
  Today 30,883  
  This Week 267,593  
   
PAGE VIEWS
   
  Total 33,570,383  
  Average Per Day 52,285  
  Average Per Visit 1.4  
  Last Hour 3,753  
  Today 42,961  
  This Week 365,998  
.
.
Innocent Bystanders
Innocent Bystanders
Site Summary
   
VISITS
   
  Total 944,457  
  Average Per Day 2,988  
  Average Visit Length 0:54  
  Last Hour 198  
  Today 2,235  
  This Week 20,917  
   
PAGE VIEWS
   
  Total 1,587,596  
  Average Per Day 3,979  
  Average Per Visit 1.3  
  Last Hour 257  
  Today 2,998  
  This Week 27,853
.
.
That’s good news, in my opinion. Innocent Bystanders has always been intended to be a smaller, more personal place to visit. A place with no bloggers, just commenters.

Comments»

1. sandy burger - March 26, 2008

Something I’m very curious about is whether the typically lurkers come here just for the main page “comments”, or whether they actually read down through the comment threads.

2. Michael - March 26, 2008

I can’t prove it, but I think a lot of lurkers read the threads and enjoy them, but they don’t feel qualified to participate.

Our traffic is definitely driven by thread activity, although that is somewhat obscured today by the random Google Images hits. By way of comparison, I think a lower percentage of Ace’s traffic is based on the threads than a few years ago, because you just can’t keep up. My impression is that more people (like me, or Geoff) are mostly just checking Ace’s main page.

The threads at Innocent Bystanders are loaded with inside jokes and familiar banter, which makes lurkers feel like they are not part of the club, not witty enough, or whatever, so it takes some guts to jump in.

A few have said this when they made a rare appearance, and I’ve gotten this feedback personally from my wife. It took her a long time to feel comfortable joining the conversation.

That doesn’t mean lurkers don’t enjoy the threads. They just want to lurk, which is OK, really.

Just remember, your own daughter might be a lurker (e.g., Daughter Michael).

3. that guy who fucked a dead deer - March 26, 2008

not witty enough

yeah that <i<must be it.

or it could be that some of us have actual lives, you know

4. Michael - March 26, 2008

or it could be that some of us have actual lives, you know

That could be, but not you. You’re forgetting that I see your IP address and know who you are.

5. amish hasnt fucked anything cold and lifeless since his last divorce - March 26, 2008

well yeah. I just think the deer fucking guy putting you down for not having a life outside in the real world is kinda funny.

6. Michael - March 26, 2008

^

Greatest. Amish. Handle. Ever.

7. Sobek - March 26, 2008

“The threads at Innocent Bystanders are loaded with inside jokes and familiar banter, which makes lurkers feel like they are not part of the club, not witty enough, or whatever…”

Not witty enough? Are you serious? Haven’t these lurkers read anything I’ve written?

8. Michael - March 26, 2008

Actually, Sobek, your comments were instrumental in helping Mrs. Michael get up the courage to join in.

Thanks!

9. Sobek's Little Buttercup Has the Sweetest Smile - March 26, 2008

Then I’ve made the world a better place. I think my work here is done.

10. Michael - March 26, 2008

No, you owe us a book review about that tome you are reading on Krapistan or some such place.

11. Michael - March 26, 2008

Plus the post with the South Park characters.

12. daveintexas - March 26, 2008

Mine are half witty.

13. Sobek - March 26, 2008

Turkmenistan, and yeah, the place sounds like a total craphole. But it’s not a tome; it’s only 200 pages and change.

14. Bart - March 26, 2008

Cuffy Meigs has been MIA for a while.

So fuck him.

You’re either with us or against us, I always say.

15. Bart - March 26, 2008

And by us, I mean me.

16. glenster - March 26, 2008

I’m a long-time lurker; I read most of the comment threads, and yep, I feel as though there isn’t anything I can add. I’d like to, sometimes, but I’m never quite sure it’s appropriate…

17. daveintexas - March 26, 2008

That was so inappropriate glen.

I keed, I keed

18. Mr Minority - March 26, 2008

…but I’m never quite sure it’s appropriate…

Being appropriate is not a requirement for commenting. We have a guy that fucks dead deers, do you think that is appropriate?

We have Amish! He is definitely not appropriate, even to be let out in public!

19. Mr Minority - March 26, 2008

Michael,
I think you may be right about people reading the threads on this site vs Ace’s, because if you look at the Average Visit Length, Ace is 35 secs and IB is 54 sec. Either there are faster readers at Ace’s, and only slow ass moron readers here, or people are reading the comments here.

20. cranky - March 26, 2008

And Dave takes it deep into center field … and it’s out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!

21. geoff - March 26, 2008

I feel as though there isn’t anything I can add.

You’ve got to be kidding. At worst you’d dilute the squalor a little.

Maybe when WP comes back, lurkers will gain more confidence.

22. Bart - March 26, 2008

Just one thing to worry about, glenster: Once you start commenting, you join the Family.

And nobody leaves the Family.

Ever.

23. Michael - March 26, 2008

I’d like to, sometimes, but I’m never quite sure it’s appropriate…

Well then, just shut the fuck up.

(That’s an example of an appropriate comment for you.)

24. Michael - March 26, 2008

#19

Our Visit Length is all the more impressive because it gets heavily diluted by all the Google Video hits on stuff like the shark picture or the Amsterdam hookers. I doubt that is happening so much (as a percentage) at AOSHQ, because IB is a more graphics-intensive site, whereas AOSHQ is much more rich in written content as a percentage of the main page.

25. Michael - March 26, 2008

I suspect IB is somewhat unique in this regard:

We merely maintain the number of Visits with fresh main page content. It keeps people checking in.

Thread activity jacks the Page View number, and builds long-term readership.

26. Lipstick - March 27, 2008

And we’re a page rank 5, which is pretty awesome.

For a bunch of doofuses.

27. Muslihoon - March 27, 2008

I thought we were morons.

28. sandy burger - March 27, 2008

Michael on the recent de-lurk thread:
Once again, you guys have made a total failure out of an attempt to welcome the lurkers. I’m ashamed of all of you.

Michael today:
Well then, just shut the fuck up.

I gotta admit, I do respect his management style.

29. skinbad - March 27, 2008

Michael, click Glenster’s link. He’s a professional clarinet player. You two should get along famously.

30. Retired Geezer - March 27, 2008

Michael, click Glenster’s link. He’s a professional clarinet player. You two should get along famously.

Yeah, and he’s from Texas.

Coinkidink ?

You do the math.

31. kevlarchick - March 27, 2008

Tiny is not always such a bad thing.

32. Mr Minority - March 27, 2008

Yeah, and he’s from Texas.

Well, there you go, he is a superior human being!

33. Dude with mutual "friends" who is terrified as fuck to comment here - March 27, 2008

Yep, you guys are a little intimidating.
So fuck you.

Is that how it works?
*desperately trying to fit in*

34. Sobek - March 27, 2008

“Is that how it works?”

Yes. Insulting others is clearly accepted practice. And the fact that, as far as I can tell, not a single one of these uncultured swine got my Hillary Clinton joke, no one need feel they aren’t witty enough to comment here.

35. Mr Minority - March 27, 2008

So fuck you.

The object is to say that with a bit of panache and flair.

Like: :Take an aerial intercourse at a reciprocating toroid shaped pastry”

36. Mr Minority - March 27, 2008

…not a single one of these uncultured swine got my Hillary Clinton joke

You made a joke?

37. Bart - March 27, 2008

…my Hillary Clinton joke…

I think you were shooting for some Poliacci-themed joke, but I wasn’t sure.

38. Bart - March 27, 2008

Or Pagliacci.

Whatever.

39. La amish è finita - March 27, 2008

yeah i got the Pagliacci/betrayal pic. I just had no idea what ‘Ridi stregaccia’ meant.

I think a M. Butterfly photoshop would be a bit more appropriate for Hillary.

40. Sobek - March 27, 2008

One of the lines from Vesti la Giubba is “ridi Pagliaccio,” meaning “laugh, clown,” which he says when he’s putting on his make-up, right after learning his wife has betrayed him.

As I said in the other thread, the Italian word for witch is just “strega,” but if you tack on the “-accia” suffix, it means “bad,” and it makes the word a closer parallel to “Pagliaccio.”

The real joke is that Hillary is going to murder Bill Richardson. Possibly in public.

41. Sobek - March 27, 2008

But seriously Gov. Richardson, don’t get up on any stages with her.

42. dr4 - March 27, 2008

in that case i didnt get it at all.

ps i dont know why Hillary would be upset with Bill Richardson since he isnt the one who endorsed Obama. It’s clear to me that the guy who gave his endorsement is clearly the Mirror Universe Bill Richardson.

43. Bart - March 27, 2008

Who are you, Dennis Miller, now?

Let’s try to keep the humor to a sophomoric level around here.

We don’t want Micheal, the site’s namesake, to feel left out.

44. Sobek - March 27, 2008

I deliberately went for the most obscure joke possible, hoping that at least some of you would catch the Pagliacci reference. Thank you Bart and Amish, for restoring my faith in humanity.

And, to reiterate, Hillary is going to murder Richardson.

45. sandy burger - March 27, 2008

Tiny is not always such a bad thing.

Amen, sister.

46. sandy burger - March 27, 2008

Is that how it works?

Pretty much, although I usually mention Bart by name so there’s no confusion as to who I’m talking about.

47. skinbad - March 27, 2008

All I know about Pagliacci I learned from The Untouchables. So maybe Bill Richardson crawling through his blood while Hillary cries and toasts a fat clown would work here. Insert Ted Kennedy joke here.

48. Bart - March 27, 2008

Two words for you, mister:

Thin. Ice.

49. sandy burger - March 27, 2008

Thin. Ice.

Yeah, skinbad, watch it.

50. Michael - March 27, 2008

Seems like it’s always Skinbad who steps over the line.

51. skinbad - March 27, 2008

Am I insulting the garlic noses here? Wasn’t really trying to.

I know I don’t want to picture Hillary pissing on anyone’s ashes.
.
.
.

D’oh! Too late!

52. daveintexas - March 27, 2008

he’s a maverick.

53. Retired Geezer - March 27, 2008

Bmac in comment #33 admits to knowing Enas Yorl, personally.

So he’s got that going for him.

54. skinbad - March 27, 2008

Which is nice.

55. Michael - March 27, 2008

So he’s got that going for him.

Wait. How is it that knowing Enas Yorl, personally, is “something going for you”?

Does Bmac get free watercolors or something?

56. Michael - March 27, 2008

If I subscribe to Enas Yorl’s newsletter, can I get free watercolors?

57. Dude with mutual "friends" who is terrified as fuck to comment here - March 27, 2008

On behalf of Enas, I say:
Fuck you guys.

*still desperately trying to fit in, only this time by defending Enas and his watercolors, which BTW, I do get for free, so I can whip you up a nice tree or stream or something*

58. Ann, Des Moines, Iowa - March 27, 2008

I come in here and lurk every night – as do a couple of my friends. Been ‘watching’ you since you started. We know all about your friends, your personalities, your families and your bad habits. Yous guys are like watching Friends, or Days of Our Lives without the stupid shit. It’s hilarious. It makes my day. Take it as a compliment. You guys are great.

Freaked out yet??? you should be…..

Thanks for the laughs and the show!!!!

59. geoff - March 27, 2008

Wait a minute. Russ & Janis are from Iowa. And now Ann?

How many people live there, anyway?

60. Ann, Des Moines, Iowa - March 27, 2008

Geoff – there’s 13 of us.

61. geoff - March 27, 2008

Almost as big as Nice Deb’s brood.

62. Ann, Des Moines, Iowa - March 27, 2008

She does have a mess of little debbies doesn’t she. She should start a cupcake company with THAT name.

what?

oh, nevermiand.

63. daveintexas - March 27, 2008

13 would be like, everyone in Winterset and Iowa State, right?

64. geoff - March 27, 2008

Speaking of 13, does anybody know the origin of the snippet of poetry recited by Malcolm McDowell in Tank Girl? It went something like:

8, 8, the burning 8
‘tween Sunday and Monday lies a day so dark it will devastate

That’s been bugging me forever.

65. Ann, Des Moines, Iowa - March 27, 2008

oh……..Iowa State is like a state of it’s own. I’m in Nothwest Iowa…we don’t claim eastern Iowa.

Geoff:

“That’s been bugging me forever.”

You’re a weird dude sometimes.

66. Bart - March 27, 2008

geoff, welcome to the world of everyone who has watched Tank Girl.
Population: you.

67. Ann, Des Moines, Iowa - March 27, 2008

Seriously, all you guys seem like really nice people. (except Bart,,heh) (and DinT when you diss Nebraska) You should be proud that you have a small following that look forward to reading your blog every day. Most of us come from Ace’s and read this blog along with The Hostages, Nice Deb, S.Weasel…etc all the time.

I’m going back to lurking now, cuz I’m really uncomfortable intruding into your lives. Thanks !

68. geoff - March 27, 2008

You’re a weird dude sometimes.

I can only think of one weird thing I do, and that’s listening to trance . . . and watching Chinese episodic martial arts dramas. OK, so there’s only two weird things I do: trance, martial arts dramas, . . . and anime. All right, all right, the only 3 weird things I do are trance, martial arts dramas, anime, . . . well, then there’s the Tab addiction, isn’t there?

Let’s regroup: the only 4 weird things I do are listen to trance, watch martial arts dramas and anime, and drink Tab exclusively. There. That’s it.

…except for that trick with my tongue…

69. geoff - March 27, 2008

geoff, welcome to the world of everyone who has watched Tank Girl.
Population: you.

Well, that’s like 6% of the population of Iowa, so it’s more impressive than it sounds at first.

I’m really uncomfortable intruding into your lives

Don’t worry – we’ll intrude into yours as well.

Seriously, you really oughtn’t look at this as some sort of insular club. Any insulation is simply to protect society and to avoid prosecution. Join on in whenever and forever.

70. Sobek - March 27, 2008

Ann, don’t re-lurk. We need some new blood here.

Geoff, I heard of Tank Girl, I think. I seem to recall it involves a tank. And a girl, of some sort. Am I on the right track?

71. geoff - March 27, 2008

Ooops – did I say 6%? Closer to 8%.

72. geoff - March 27, 2008

I seem to recall it involves a tank. And a girl, of some sort.

That’s the one. And another girl. And a jet. And Malcolm, of course, walking across broken glass.

Fun offbeat flick.

73. Sobek - March 27, 2008

I just skimmed through the IMDB message boards and didn’t see anything.

74. Mrs. Peel - March 27, 2008

*checks geoff’s math*

Well, if you call 7.7 close to 8, then yeah.

Ann, come over and comment on my blog. You’ll have the comment section all to yourself.

75. geoff - March 27, 2008

if you call 7.7 close to 8, then yeah.

I said closer, Miss Can’t-Live-With-Integer-Approximations.

You’ll have the comment section all to yourself.

That’s because you posted on how Helmholtz is your hero and all that.

It just didn’t resonate with me.

76. Michael - March 27, 2008

Freaked out yet??? you should be…..

No, Ann, I am not freaked out. I am the Site Administrator. I know your IP address. I know where you live. I know that you have previously appeared on this site as LeAnn. I have webcams in your house and I know what a dirty little girl you are during sex.

77. Mrs. Peel - March 27, 2008

😛

The guy for whom the wave equation is named doesn’t resonate with you? There’s a joke to be made in there somewhere, but I’m too sleepy to find it right now.

78. geoff - March 27, 2008

Well it was a play on Helmholtz resonator. Maybe a leetle obscure.

79. Bart - March 27, 2008

I’m going to take the liberty to translate Ann’s remark of me not being nice as her thinking that I’m naughty and need to be spanked.

80. Michael - March 27, 2008

You nailed it, Bart. I’ll send you some tapes from her webcams and you’ll see what I mean.

81. Russ from Winterset - March 27, 2008

“I come in here and lurk every night – as do a couple of my friends. Been ‘watching’ you since you started. We know all about your friends, your personalities, your families and your bad habits. Yous guys are like watching Friends, or Days of Our Lives without the stupid shit. It’s hilarious. It makes my day. Take it as a compliment. You guys are great.

Freaked out yet??? you should be…..”

Whoa.

So let me get this straight. You come here, watch the freakshow, and then discuss it with your friends afterwards? Does that make us pop culture figures? I can just hear the watercooler conversations you have about us:

“Did you see what Bart said to Skinny last night?”

“Yeah. That Bart. You just never know what that rapscallion is going to get into next. Did you hear about what Mrs. Peel did last week?”

“Wow, that girl’s really come out of her shell lately.”

(“Rapscallion” isn’t really an Iowa word, but it is popular among some of the Dutch enclaves in Northern Iowa, especially near Orange City)

Me? I’d like to think of myself as a wacky neighbor in the mold of Cosmo Kramer. Except without the Cuban cigars. And the racial tirades.

82. daveintexas - March 27, 2008

Are you an M4 Sherman Tank Girl, or an M1A1 Abrams Tank Girl?

just wanted to know where to aim the LAW.

83. Anonymous - March 27, 2008

Now, Michael, why you gotta go and do that….outing me and all. geeze, and I was friendly, right?

LeAnn was my evil twin, but thanks to drugs, and a little shock therapy, she doesn’t come around much anymore.

” I have webcams in your house and I know what a dirty little girl you are during sex.”

and now I know you have a very vivid imagination.

Mrs. Peel, and Sobek – thanks for the invite. I may just take you up on it.

Bart – drop trou and bend over. You can’t imagine how much I’m goin to enjoy this!

84. Anonymous - March 27, 2008

well, anon was me.

Russ and Michael…didn’t mean to offend. Didn’t say anybody thought it was a freakshow.

85. Russ from Winterset - March 27, 2008

“Tank Girl”. Wow.

I always had a little crush on Lori Petty. She was a real hottie in “Point Break”. Kind of like the thinking man’s Jennifer Tilly. Without the big bazoomgas.

86. Mrs. Peel - March 27, 2008

ha, Russ. But I doubt I figure in these water-cooler conversations. Heck, even my own relatives don’t care what I did last week.

Wait…what did I do last week? I seem to remember work…and school…and playing a computer game…ok, I think I’ve solved the mystery of why people are not interested in my life. Just call me Sherlock Holmes.

87. Michael - March 27, 2008

and now I know you have a very vivid imagination.

Yeah really? I was right about the previous LeAnn handle.

Tell you what. You can get the dirty sex tapes back, before I send them to Bart, if you make a generous donation, say $50, to the Innocent Bystanders Bandwidth Cost Defrayment Fund.

I’m not threatening you, Ann. I’m just sayin’. A kind donation on your part might mean that those spanking sessions won’t end up on YouTube.

88. Russ from Winterset - March 27, 2008

You don’t think IB is a freakshow? Now I’m woried about your judgement, Ann.

You say that you’re in Northwest Iowa, but your title is “Ann, Des Moines”. Are you from DSM originally?

89. daveintexas - March 27, 2008

>>Wait…what did I do last week?

sorta thought you were watchin STS 123 coming back.

90. Anonymous - March 27, 2008

No, not from Des Moines. I used to work for insurance adjusters out of Des Moines and I guess I’m never changed the WordPress thingy. I’m actually closer to Sioux City now. Originally from Nebraska.
I worked for the Bush campaign in 2000 and 2004. Also did some stuff for Steve King’s. That’s why I don’t use the name Michael outted me as, cuz I get lib hate mail.

so…..now ya know.

91. geoff - March 27, 2008

if you make a generous donation, say $50, to the Innocent Bystanders Bandwidth Cost Defrayment Fund.

Greedy. You know that’ll quintuple IB’s assets.

92. Ann - March 27, 2008

Bloody hell,,,,,,I typed in my name,,,why won’t it stay there.

damn intertube crap.

93. geoff - March 27, 2008

<i.so…..now ya know.

Toldja we’d intrude on your life. You might as well stick around, now.

94. geoff - March 27, 2008

Bloody hell,,,,,,I typed in my name,,,why won’t it stay there.

Once you get that worked out, you should get yourself an avatar. I suggest a photo of closed blinds. It’ll drive Michael to distraction.

95. Ann - March 27, 2008

Well, it certainly would be my pleasure to hang around.

96. Ann - March 27, 2008

Closed blinds……HEH! I’m thinkin’ if he likes the show, he must be pretty desperate for entertainment. Who am I to deprive him of the will to live?

97. Bart - March 27, 2008

Anonymous – March 27, 2008

well, anon was me.

——————–

Nice.

Your level of genius makes you a perfect fit.

p.s. Michael has a bad habit of divulging personal information/spoiling anonymity/outing sockpuppets…and complaining about bandwidth cost.

98. Ann - March 27, 2008

As you can tell, I’ve not good at disguising my sockpuppets. Besides, they become like children — can’t remember their names, don’t know where I left them, and they stink when you don’t wash ’em.

99. Russ from Winterset - March 27, 2008

I for one think you should stick around, Ann. Iowa needs to represent at IB. Janis and I can only do so much, and Moses is too small to work a keyboard yet. It’ll be a nice break from all the Ohioans and Ida-hos that usually dominate the conversation. And don’t get me started on all those Texans, ifyouknowwhatImeanandIthinkyoudo.

Steve King? Damn, I wish he was my congresscritter. Latham’s OK, but I like King’s style.

100. Michael - March 27, 2008

Well, it certainly would be my pleasure to hang around.

Well, OK, but don’t start talking about cats. We are dog people. You are a cat person. I can smell it on you. You think those little feline pieces of fur-shit are cute.

Hah! I’m right, and you know it. You are a cat person.

Are you still doubting that I know everything?

101. Sobek - March 27, 2008

Russ didn’t mention Nevadans because he knows we rule.

And Ann, seriously, you need to stick around. Now that LauraW has been safely bricked into the catacombs under my house, we need some more women here.

102. Ann - March 27, 2008

Russ – Actually, I’ve always wondered if you were at a Fred Thompson rally in Ottumwa that I attended. I really like Fred, but that wasn’t one of his better appearances, imo.

I had the great pleasure of talking with King on Tuesday. He was in Sioux City for some dumb thing or another (that’s Sioux City for ya, they dont’ deserve King). Anywhooooos, he’s pretty steamed at himself for voting for that money give-a-way they call a stimulis package. Said it was the only vote he regrets making. It was interesting listening to him talk about the ethanol debacle and the immigration mess. And don’t get him started on Obama. Whoa-baby, he certainly is no fan of Obama.

So, I’ll try and stick around and give you some good Iowa support.

Congrats on baby Moses. I’m glad everything turned out ok.

103. Michael - March 27, 2008

Now that LauraW has been safely bricked into the catacombs under my house

By the way, Sobek, I’ve been meaning to thank you for that. Job well done, sir.

104. Ann - March 27, 2008

Michael thinks he’s sew cute. (he knows why that’s spelled wrong) Yes, Michael, I’m owned by a couple cats, but that’s not where my email comes from. I design shirts for a wild cat shelter — cats, as in lions and tigers. Which isn’t easy, btw – getting a lion into a turtleneck.

105. Michael - March 27, 2008

I design shirts for a wild cat shelter. . .

Ann, maybe you should wait a while before you start making really embarrassing personal disclosures like that. This is a tough room.

I mean, that’s like saying you used to play clarinet in a Boy Scout marching band. I only said that because I was drunk, and I’ll never live it down.

106. Retired Geezer - March 27, 2008

It’ll be a nice break from all the Ohioans and Ida-hos that usually dominate the conversation.

Russ, Uh… didn’t you forget the Utahonians? … Utonians? Utahites?

107. geoff - March 27, 2008

Utahornydogians.

108. Retired Geezer - March 27, 2008

used to play clarinet in a Boy Scout marching band. I only said that because I was drunk

I just knew those Boy Scouts were not teetotalers.

109. Bart - March 27, 2008

A good thing about ib.net? Well, you can tell we’re a close-knit blog by the fact that we never leave each other hanging. Very rarely does a comment go unresponded around here.* We support each other like family.

*except for Lipstick, kevlarchick, Mr Minority, wiserbud, mesablue, wicked pinto, geoff, sobek, skinbad, lauraw, Russ, Retired Geezer, Brewfan, and Michael. They’re all thread-killers and you’ll often see their comments as the last comment in the archives.

110. Michael - March 27, 2008

we never leave each other hanging . . .

Well Bart, it’s late, but I’m not going to leave you hanging.

Fuck you.

And good night. God bless you all.

111. Muslihoon - March 28, 2008

I believe the correct term I’ve heard around these MIdwest parts is “Utards”.

112. geoff - March 28, 2008

Utangarangs.

113. Mrs. Skinny - March 28, 2008

When you come to visit, I’ll say, “Welcome, Urine Utah.”

114. skinbad - March 28, 2008

That wasn’t Mrs. Skinny. The couthness level probably was a dead giveaway.

115. Retired Geezer - March 28, 2008

Mrs. Skinny would have mentioned something about her excellent shooting skilz.

At least she should have.

She won a Major Award, if I recall correctly.

116. daveintexas - March 28, 2008

Now that LauraW has been safely bricked into the catacombs under my house

Suuuuure… you think you’re safe.

That’s what you think.

117. PattyAnn - March 28, 2008

“It’ll be a nice break from all the Ohioans and Ida-hos that usually dominate the conversation. And don’t get me started on all those Texans”

Go ahead, Russ, just double-damn me, why dontcha?

118. lauraw - March 28, 2008

*scratch scratch scratch*

119. skinbad - March 28, 2008

I think it’s getting fainter.

120. Russ from Winterset sits tapping, tapping, tapping above the chamber door - March 28, 2008

Would walling Lauraw up in the catacombs be more like “The Cask of Amontillado”, or “The Tell-Tale Heart”?

And I hope you stuck a stake through her hump before you sealed up the wall. Otherwise, when she claws her way out of her prison, she’ll probably take a blowtorch to your eyelids or something slightly extreme like that.

121. Sobek - March 28, 2008

It’s okay, I left her a laptop with an internet connection, so she barely even knows the difference.

122. lauraw - March 28, 2008

Sadly, that would work like a charm.

123. Stygian denizen of the cyclopean depths below Sobek's catacombs - March 28, 2008

Excuse me, ma’am. I’d like to ship a copy of “The Complete Works of H.P. Lovecraft” to my cousin Steve in Ry’leah, and I was wondering if you could get it there overnight?

124. compos mentis - March 28, 2008

I always had a little crush on Lori Petty. She was a real hottie in “Point Break”. Kind of like the thinking man’s Jennifer Tilly. Without the big bazoomgas.

Lori Petty has the body of an adolescent boy. And freakishly big eyes. Matter of fact, Lori Petty = Speed Racer.

As for either of the psycho Tilly’s, I think they’re probably like rodeo bulls . . . a wild ride that lasts about 8 seconds and once you’re done you’d better get the hell away as fast as you can.

125. amishs constant watching of shitty movies pays off in unexpected ways - March 29, 2008

Lori Petty kissing Naomi Watts.


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