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Why Mormons Suck July 5, 2008

Posted by Michael in Religion.
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Somebody, who I shall not name, sent me this image in an email.  This unrepentant Mormon is just asking for trouble.  The Lutheran Millennium™ reeducation camps are going to be a tough experience for this guy.

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1. xbradtc - July 5, 2008

Me? I’m Presbyterian.

We’re not fundamentalist- just dull.

2. Muslihoon - July 6, 2008

Stolen from the Interwebtubenet:
A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, “What’s that cliff?”

“Oh, you don’t wan to look down there. That’s hell!”

The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. “This doesn’t look so bad,” he says. Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down.

“Dang!” he snaps, “Those Mormons have been irrigating again!”

3. wickedpinto - July 6, 2008

I actually dated a mormon once. and I can give you a second reason that mormons suck.

Hint, It’s has VERY much to do with them not sucking.

Random, After we broke up, I made it a point of including her faith into as many crude jokes as possible.

“man! I didn’t have this much getting something to open since I convinced (her name) to take it anal.!”

Mormons rock, because they suck, for not sucking.

just saying.

4. cathy - July 6, 2008

I confess. Lutheran… Theology degree and all…
I’m resistant to Pure Lutheran Doctrine.

Ok. I’ve said it. I suck.

I feel better.

The re-edjumacation camp is waiting for me, huh?

5. eddiebear - July 6, 2008

^well, at least this will keep them away from me for a while.

6. skinbad - July 6, 2008

I think Michael is just acting tough because he is afraid of how similar Mormons are to Lutherans. We don’t have so many Germans around here, but Scandis? We’re loaded with Mormon Scandis. And I don’t say it with pride, but we can flat-out match you casserole for casserole. Granted, what you wash the casserole down with is probably different.

7. Muslihoon - July 6, 2008

I kinda like the fact we LDS have such high standards. If I date someone, there’s no pressure to score. Which also means I don’t feel like a loser if I can’t score. But which also means that I won’t score until I get married again.

I haven’t hung around LDS long enough to gauge what their de facto standards are, but I can be ultra-super-conservative. I won’t even hold hands the first date. Though, I believe these come less from the Church and more from my culture. As an adult, I cannot touch women except for shaking hands (which they must initiate) or if they hug me (which they must initiate, and usually it’s the aunties that do it, not the younger types).

Interestingly, unless they’re good friends or cousins or relatives, men and women don’t dance together. And the concept of asking a girl to dance is not done. (Doing so would be considered immensely scandalous.) Instead, men usually dance with men, and women with women.

My cousin once told me that his uncles had a dinner party, and they began playing music, and they started dancing. Very soon, somebody hurriedly closed the drapes. When my cousin asked why (he had recently moved from Pakistan), his uncle explained that if others saw them, they’d think they were gay.

Michael: If I love learning about religions and I enjoy Lutheran bootcamp, will it count for me?

8. daveintexas - July 6, 2008

Lutheran “bootcamp” is really a bunch of little old biddies knitting afghans.

9. Michael - July 6, 2008

we can flat-out match you casserole for casserole

Hey! The trash talk is getting nasty around here.

10. Michael - July 6, 2008

Michael: If I love learning about religions and I enjoy Lutheran bootcamp, will it count for me?

Musli, do not let them know you are enjoying the camp! Act like you are suffering, or you’ll never get out. Trust me on this.

11. Barb the Evil Genius - July 6, 2008

Our pastor brought beer to our church potluck last week. I love being Lutheran.

12. nearlynormalized - July 6, 2008

It is not a religion, it is a cult, like Scientology…What gives it status as religion? Time? My church of “Urine” has been around forever and I am getting pissed off.

13. BrewFan - July 6, 2008

trouble brewing…

14. BrewFan - July 6, 2008

I was going to just laugh off nearlynormalized’s comment but in good conscience I can not do that. How dare he compare the Lutheran church to Scientology!? I abhor that kind of intolerance.

15. Michael - July 6, 2008

I abhor that kind of intolerance.

Thank you, Brewfan. Scientology and Lutheranism are indeed incomparable.

Scientology is more like Calvinism.

16. eddiebear - July 6, 2008

8: or eating lutefisk.

17. Sobek - July 6, 2008

I watched a remake of “As You Like It” last night, directed by Kenneth Branagh. I’d sum up the film with these four words:

Shakespeare with freakin ninjas.

Why no one has thought of this before is totally beyond me.

18. sandy burger - July 7, 2008

I won’t even hold hands the first date.

Hey, me neither. That’s not ultra-super-conservative, it’s normal.

19. Muslihoon - July 7, 2008

Thanks, Sandy! I feel like less of a freak.

20. sandy burger - July 7, 2008

Oh, you’re a freak all right. Just, not for this in particular.

21. lauraw - July 7, 2008

Sandy, you still single?

22. sandy burger - July 7, 2008

Yes I am. Hard to believe, ain’t it?

23. pajama momma - July 7, 2008

If I date someone, there’s no pressure to score. Which also means I don’t feel like a loser if I can’t score.

Is there still pressure to “score” at the age of 28? And if so, who’s doing the pressuring?

24. 4G - February 25, 2009

mormons sucks…ahahahahahaha…stupid people!!

25. bikbil - July 8, 2009

I live in Saint George Utah. I came here from Central Arizona to get a way from the violence.

Mormans are totally brain dead. They are the most uninteresting people that I have ever met in my life. If you don’t belong to a church here, it is like you don’t event exist. I live on SSI disability. For the last two years I have live as if I don’t exist . I have never met a single person in this town that had anything interesting to say about anything. Not that I even talk to anyone that is a Morman.

This place has more Mormans that Prove Utah. There are very few people here in this town that are not Morman. The ones that are not Mormans are retarded pieces of shit just like the other Mormans here. After the big building boom everyone that is not a retarded piece of shit left town.

I will give you just one example of how retarded a Morman man is.

This guy moved into the apartment next to me and divulged all this information to me. I did not ask for this information, He just had to tell me.

An average MORMAN-MAN—

I have worked the same government job for my whole life and will retire soon with a 60 thousand dollar a year pension. ( I had to know this because I live in SSI disability}

I own nothing. My wife divorced me and I gave her the house and one third of my income for live. Now I am trying real hard to get a student loan so I can take some on line collage classes.

I am paying 500$ a month in interest to the IRS and I give 3 or 4 hundred dollars a month to my church. Now I have been try real hard to get a loan so I can take some online collage classes.

I eat nothing but one dollar hamburgers and one dollar frozen dinner. (Sometimes 3 at a time)

My son was prosecuted by the State of Oregon for selling Porn on the Internet.

I lived in Alaska for many years and got all of my vacation time in the summer months. I never once went any ware in the state that I could not drive my car to from anchorage. My wildest adventure in Alaska was the time that I drove to Denali National Park with my children and we counted all the mountain goats wile sitting in the car.

This guy has live in Utah most of his life and has never been to Zion National Park. I have a pass to get into any National Park for free, The gate fee is worth more that the gas to drive to Zion , but he wont go.

I fixed and tune up his bicycle for him for free ! I gave him some free parts. The first time he rode it he smash his head into a pole and went to the hospital.

FUCKING RETARD MORMANS !!!!!!!!!!!!!11

.

26. BrewFan - July 8, 2009

hahahaha!

*waits for skinbad’s rebuttal*

27. Edward Von Bear - July 8, 2009

Dude, at least spell “Mormon” correctly.

28. Lipstick - July 8, 2009

I have never met a single person in this town that had anything interesting to say about anything. Not that I even talk to anyone that is a Morman.

Well, there’s your problem right there.

Wonder what “disability” this guy has.

This has to be a parody.

29. Pupster - July 8, 2009

Uniball?

30. skinbad - July 8, 2009

Pupster?

31. skinbad - July 8, 2009

Kidding, dude. Some collage classes might be a good investment.

and divulged all this information to me. I did not ask for this information, He just had to tell me.

Preach it, brother. Can you believe people like that.

32. skinbad - July 8, 2009

*starts cutting out pictures from old magazines*

33. Michael - July 8, 2009

I fixed and tune up his bicycle for him for free ! I gave him some free parts. The first time he rode it he smash his head into a pole and went to the hospital.

Aw man, that sucks. All that work for nothing. Stupid Mormans.

34. Pupster - July 8, 2009

I’d like to nominate bikbil for the comment hall of fame.

I’d also like to disavow the notion that all mormans are like skinbad.

Some are even more so.

35. Mrs. Peel - July 8, 2009

I came here from Central Arizona to get a way from the violence

Will! What did you do??

36. Michael - July 8, 2009

This guy moved into the apartment next to me and divulged all this information to me. I did not ask for this information, He just had to tell me.

I know a Morman like that. He will talk your ear off.

Did this guy tell you he was a crocodile god?

37. BrewFan - July 8, 2009

Dear Abby,

My wife divorced me. I live on disability. My son is in jail for selling porn. I count goats in Alaska. I have to pay the IRS $500 a month.

I met a nice lady. Should I tell her I’m a Morman?

Signed,
bikbil

38. Michael - July 8, 2009

I eat nothing but one dollar hamburgers and one dollar frozen dinner. (Sometimes 3 at a time)

Maybe you could ask the Mormans about a healthier diet. That might start an interesting conversation.

Or find a Lutheran and learn about tuna-noodle casseroles and lime green jello with carrot shavings. Oh yeah. You can make this stuff yourself!

39. Mrs. Peel - July 8, 2009

My question is whether skinbad is one of the Mormans that Proves Utah. If so, I think we should all feel honored by his presence on our little commenting site.

40. geoff - July 8, 2009

I stayed in St. George for a couple of nights last week, but I didn’t see bikbil anywhere. Didn’t see him at Zion, either.

I think he’s pulling our legs.

41. skinbad - July 9, 2009

Prove = Provo. Home of BYU. Provo is in Utah County which is south of Salt Lake County. Salt Lake City, despite being where LDS Church offices are, consistently elects Democrat mayors. By Utah standards, it’s fairly liberal. Provo is the heart of the reddest, most conservative, most “Morman” area in the country. The forecast for St. George is between 100 and 110 for the next week. bikbil can have St. George. Zion is a gorgeous place, however. I’m going to tell myself bikbil really doesn’t have a 60K pension that I’m helping finance so I can sleep tonight. On the other hand, on behalf of Mormans everywhere, I’d like to thank bikbil for fixing the retard’s bike.

42. Mrs. Peel - July 9, 2009

Oh, I knew he meant Provo. I just thought that was a funny typo.

I hope Sobek saw that post…

43. reason - July 9, 2009

A Mormon runs into a bar…

…guess you shouldn’t have offered to fix his bike.

44. Lauryn - September 9, 2009

Hey, I’m Mormon, and you people are all stereotyping. You have no idea what we go through. I’ve been a member of the church all my life 75% of my friends are members of the church, and we all get along with the non- Mormons at my school just fine. I don’t understand why there are people in this world that can’t respect us for who we are…besides, being Mormon keeps us out of trouble. Most of us follow the commandments, so we don’t smoke (and get lung cancer), wear immodest clothing (and attract people of the oposite gender who we wouldn’t wanna hang out with which goes with the next thing), we don’t get pregnant before we’re married, we don’t drink (so we stay healthy), the list goes on and on and we’re happy, humble people because of it. So, suck it up!

45. BrewFan - September 9, 2009

wear immodest clothing

Ummm, I’m not sure this is what you meant to say. Also, I want you to know that some of my best friends are Morman.

46. Lauryn - September 9, 2009

Sorry I meant that we DON’T wear immodest clothing. 😀 Thanks

47. BrewFan - September 9, 2009

You’re welcome, Lauryn. BTW, wouldn’t you agree that Lutherans are God-less heathens?

48. Michael - September 9, 2009

Hey! Lauryn, it’s those dang Calvinists who are the godless heathens.

49. skinbad - September 10, 2009

I saw the sort of recent “Sleepy Hollow” movie the other night. It featured a Calvinist joke:

Why are Calvinists opposed to sex while standing?

They are afraid it could lead to dancing.

50. Michael - September 10, 2009

Calvinists are allowed to go fishin’. That is a carnal pleasure which is OK.

I read that somewhere.

51. reason - September 10, 2009

We Catholics are allowed to do all sorts of carnal pleasures.

We just aren’t allowed to enjoy ourselves while we’re doing them.

52. skinbad - September 10, 2009

Wait a second. I think the movie with the joke was “Rob Roy.”

53. Lauryn - September 10, 2009

???? umm…part of being a Mormon is to teach the gospel….NOT that other churches aren’t true. We respect the people from the other churches, and don’t criticize them for their beliefs. We don’t judge. The only judges are Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.

54. geoff - September 10, 2009

Psssst. Lauryn. You’re just supposed to say “yes.”

55. Michael - September 10, 2009

Aw Geoff, hush. Lauryn is cute. She doesn’t get that we’re a bunch of goofballs, and the Mormons amongst us are the goofiest.

Lauryn, listen to me, not Geoff. He’s an atheist goofball, so you can’t trust him on religious subjects.

Don’t listen to Skinbad either. He’s Mormon goofball, so you can’t expect an objective opinion from him.

Don’t listen to Reason either. He is a papist goofball. The Whore of Babylon in Rome has brainwashed him.

Don’t listen to Brewfan. He is a Calvinist goofball. They just don’t get the Doctrine of Election or predestination.

I, on the other hand, can give you the straight poop. Listen to me. Here’s the real deal — if you are not Lutheran, you are in deep trouble with God.

56. Lauryn - September 15, 2009

I really think that is ridiculous. Just because I’m not Lutheran? Besides, why would I be in deep trouble with God? He’s merciful, isn’t he? He understands. He knows who we are, and he loves us for it. If we’re given another opportunity to repent on Earth, or as we Mormons believe, in the spirit world before the resurrection and before we are split off into one of the three kingdoms, then I’ll surely not be prideful and accept a place in your church. IF you can prove my church isn’t true (which is absolutely impossible, because I have true faith that this is the true church), and that yours is true, I’ll take back everything I’ve said.

57. Mrs. Peel - September 15, 2009

Lauryn, he’s not serious. The regular cadre of commenters here includes Lutherans, Baptists, Calvinists, Mormons [I almost typed “Mormans,” heh], Methodists, Catholics, agnostics, and atheists. We like to rag on each other’s varying beliefs, and we have a running joke that Michael, the Site Administrator and a Lutheran, is part of a grand conspiracy to usher in the Lutheran Millennium, when we non-Lutherans will be put in camps to be taught the glory of Pure Lutheran Doctrine (TM).

(I, for one, will be pressed up against the chain-link fence, shouting, “AVENNNGE MEEEEE!”)

But it’s all just a joke. We respect one another’s beliefs and love each other as brothers and sisters. (Many of us have actually met in person, in fact.) Don’t take anything we say seriously.

I mean, except this comment right here.

Well, not the “AVENGE ME!” part. The rest of it.

58. Michael - September 15, 2009

then I’ll surely not be prideful and accept a place in your church.

That’s the right attitude!

Lauryn, I’m going to recommend that you be assigned to one of the less strict reeducation camps. Meaning, much nicer than the camp that Brewfan is headed for. You will get better food. Remember to tell the instructors and guards that you are a friend of Michael.

59. Mrs. Peel - September 15, 2009

Lauryn, note that “better food” = “lutefisk.”

60. Michael - September 15, 2009

The regular cadre of commenters here includes Lutherans, Baptists, Calvinists, Mormons [I almost typed “Mormans,” heh], Methodists, Catholics, agnostics, and atheists.

You coulda made that list shorter by saying we have Lutherans and Heretics.

61. daveintexas - September 15, 2009

Lutherns can’t run a proper Sunday School class, nevermind reeducation camps.

62. Michael - September 15, 2009

Lutherans are rightly regarded as throwing a first-class Vacation Bible School, however. We pack the house with neighborhood kiddies, and many other denominations use our materials.

But I will concede, Dave, that Baptists seem to own the franchise on Sunday School, both adult and childrens. I’ve always thought that the emphasis on Bible study was an admirable thing about Baptists, even though they get it wrong in some areas.

63. Lauryn - September 17, 2009

Oh. Seriously? This is all joke? Wow. That sucks. I just poured out my heart to all of you about my testimony of the church, and it’s all a joke…oh well. Thanks, anyway.
And Michael, thank you, but I’ll be next to Mr. Peel screaming “AVENNGGGEEE MEEEE!” lol

64. Vmaximus - September 17, 2009

Hahahah!
I am not laughing at you Lauryn, just the morons here that tricked you.
Read It sucks to be muslim post. A lot of humorless people there, that did not get it. (not saying you are humorless, you are terrific)

I am “Non-Denominational” I wonder what doctrinal hell Michael banish me to?

65. Lipstick - September 17, 2009

Vmax, God just told me that you’re in big trouble if we don’t get more puppy pics.

Just passing the message along.

66. Mrs. Peel - September 17, 2009

Lauryn, we weren’t trying to prank you. We do occasionally have serious theological discussions around here, and, as we mentioned, several of our regulars are Mormons. It’s just that, with this group, pretty much any discussion is going to eventually devolve into joking around, especially inside/running jokes.

If you want to see what happens when someone who REALLY doesn’t get our sense of humor shows up, in the sidebar section labeled “Classic IB Comment Threads,” read “Conservative Studies on Campus” and “Scared White Tourists”…

67. Michael - September 17, 2009

Everybody wants to think the Lutheran Millennium, and our reeducation camps, are just a joke.

We will see. Oh yes we will. Time will tell.

68. Michael - September 17, 2009

Lipstick is still exempt from the camps. She gave me a Zippo Black Ice lighter.

You might consider a modest bribe yourself, Lauryn, just for insurance.

69. Vmaximus - September 17, 2009

Here you go Lips!
Lets Dance!

70. Lipstick - September 17, 2009

Vmax — Oh my gosh, he’s so big! (The puppy) Thanks!

Michael, excellent. The bribery will continue.

71. Lipstick - September 17, 2009

*Evil laugh*

72. Michael - September 17, 2009

Hey Lipstick, did you get your Jerry Baird spices (the Texas chuckwagon cook guy)?

Mine initially did not arrive, even though my credit card got dinged. After about a month, I shot him a email to inquire. He responded immediately and said he was sending another pack. He said this had only happened once before with a shipment to Oregon that disappeared. The spices arrived two days later. We’ve tried them on brisket and in ranch beans, and they are good.

73. Michael - September 17, 2009

Cathy is planning to order some more for her Christmas gift baskets.

74. Lipstick - September 17, 2009

Yes, we got the spices and have only used the All Purpose one so far and it was good.

The thing is we have some pre-spiced steaks from Cattleman’s in El Paso, so they don’t need anything extra. And now Mr. L is eating all healthy and doing all the cooking (yippee), so I haven’t been in the kitchen much. Which spice do you use in the beans?

75. Michael - September 17, 2009

We used the all-purpose in the beans and the brisket-ribs one got rubbed into the brisket I did awhile back in Mr. Lamm’s Genuine Texas Heavy Metal BBQ.

I’m looking forward to the lemon-pepper one on some fish, or maybe chicken.

76. Michael - September 17, 2009

Cathy’s Christmas baskets have become a tradition. She really puts some thought into it. She buys the baskets and then themes the contents around a food style, e.g., Italian, Mexican, Thai, BBQ, whatever, and she fills the basket with a couple of bottles of wine, some fancy cheese, spices, sauces, jams, some kind of quality starch like cool pasta or Thai rice, maybe some embroidered napkins, and so forth. Whole Foods is great for getting the contents. There’s enough in there for a gourmet meal and you have lots of cool stuff left over for the pantry. People really seem to enjoy it. It’s not your generic gift basket.

77. Michael - September 17, 2009

It’s also, I might add, a relatively inexpensive way to send Christmas presents to the family and close friends, given that Cathy supplies all the labor.

Well, not all the labor. We do get some help from the pack-and-ship industry, which is normally loafing around with little to do at that time of year, and is grateful for our business.

78. Lipstick - September 17, 2009

Cathy made a great gift basket for the IBMMP — I love and use the apron and I put the bluebonnets in the make-up brush container in the bathroom.

She made a point of pointing out the bluebonnets when we were driving from the airport. It was something I’d always wanted to see. You are a lucky guy!

79. Mrs. Peel - September 17, 2009

We do get some help from the pack-and-ship industry, which is normally loafing around with little to do at that time of year, and is grateful for our business.

FIRE IN THE HOLE! *runs for cover*

Yeah, I have very little money and don’t really like big presents, so last year, I gave consumables, including coffee and caramels. Seemed to work pretty well. I just wish other people would do the same for me – I don’t like people spending a bunch of money on me.

80. Dex - September 18, 2009

Mormans? Not Mormen?

81. jordennlsn@yahoo.com - July 8, 2010

im Mormon to!
why do you hate us?

what did we do to you?
have you ever once been to a church?
i now my goods is true!
dont emali me

82. skinbad - July 8, 2010

Well, that will help.

Thanks a lot, J.

83. Heidi - September 17, 2011

Being anything but and atheist sucks. ^_^

84. lauraw - September 18, 2011

Intolerance is for homos. And the Dutch.

85. Tushar - September 18, 2011

I envy the faith of the believers and the absolute cocksure certainity of the atheists. I don’t have enough proof to believe in God and not enough intellect to decide that He does not exist. Thus, I am an agnostic.


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