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Batbear Takes a Hi-Tech Shower October 26, 2008

Posted by batbear in Personal Experiences.

Hi there, my name is Batbear and I am a crimefighter.

Crimefighters work hard and get sweaty.  We need to make sure we stay clean.  So, I’m going to take a shower at Michael’s house.

I like to hang out with Michael because he and Casey are also crimefighters, so I feel at home.

Is that a shower or a frickin' time travel machine?

Is that a shower or a frickin' time travel machine?

Hey, there's a mirror in here.  Damn, I look good in this suit.

Hey, there's a mirror in here. Dang, I am hot!

OK, I'm ready to scrub my furry little self.  Should I take my suit off?  Nah, I'm too modest.

OK, I'm ready to scrub. I'll just leave my suit on and wash it too. I'm kinda modest.

Would someone please turn on the water?  I can't reach the control panel.

Would someone please turn on the water? I can't reach the control panel!

By the way, to all those people at The Hostages who say that IB is gay, I say, kiss my furry ass!!!  I’m just a Batbear, and even I can tell that those people make Urkel look cool.  I don’t think any one of them has gotten laid in the last six years.

Just sayin’


1. Mare - October 26, 2008

A) Is that really in your home Michael?

B) Is it just for cleaning your body?

C) If No to B just leave it at that.

D) It’s Cool

2. Wickedpinto - October 26, 2008

I don’t know what the hell that is Mare, but I want one.

3. Wickedpinto - October 26, 2008

If you open the door too fast, do you get “The bends?”

4. Russ from Winterset - October 26, 2008

Whatever you do, don’t get into that thing with a fly. I saw the movie where Jeff Goldblum did that, and it ended pretty badly for him.

5. Retired Geezer - October 26, 2008

Open the Pod Bay door please, Hal.

6. kevlarchick - October 26, 2008

I’m afraid of that contraption.

7. Pupster - October 26, 2008

Looks like there is a lot of room in that shower. Are there separate water controls, so Dave and Mesa can set their own shower nozzle temperature?

And if your going to fight the Hostages ‘gay’ smears, you might want to come with something stronger than stuffed animals and better homes and gardens ‘Dream Bathroom’ photo spreads.


8. Michael - October 26, 2008

If No to B just leave it at that.

When you turn her on, she says “Welcome!” in this Japanese-teenage-nympho computer voice. You hit buttons and she will enthusiastically say stuff like “Top Jet!” and “Steam!”

When it’s all over and you turn the power off, she says “Thank you for using!” It’s like she really had a good time.

It took me a month to figure out how the dang thing works, but now we have a pretty good relationship.

9. xbradtc - October 26, 2008

I’ll just bet Michael has a $3 bill in his pocket…

10. Michael - October 26, 2008

No, Brad, I’m not kidding. It talks. The voice is Japanese and female.

It’s also loud enough to wake Cathy up, and I can’t find a button to turn it off.

11. xbradtc - October 26, 2008

I believe you Michael. I do. And I suppose it was OEM, and not something you picked out.

I’m just saying its ghey. Like you and the rest of the IB’ers….

12. Michael's shower - October 26, 2008

Me stay hot and wet long time!

13. mesablue - October 26, 2008

I’m guessing that shower has a baby oil “feature”.

14. lauraw - October 26, 2008

Man, would it be cool to reprogram it so it says other things.

Or other voices.

Like, Michael turns it on and gets Paul Lynde.

(roll your mouse over the photo header)

15. Dave in Texas - October 26, 2008


or Charles Nelson Reilly.

even better

16. pajama momma - October 26, 2008

Do you have to take a shower with all the residents of the retirement facility at the same time or can it be just you and Cathy if you want?

17. Mrs. Peel - October 26, 2008

Sounds like Japanese voice technology has come a long way from when my mom’s digital camera would chirp, “Too dark! Use frash!”

18. Mare - October 26, 2008

Laura W, that’s funny.

19. nicedeb - October 26, 2008

Cool…you can go visit the Eloi and Morlocks, and wash your hair at the same time!

20. Dave in Texas - October 26, 2008

HAH… the HG Wells reference.

21. xbradtc - October 26, 2008

Micheal’s in there with Tony Romo…

22. eddiebear - October 26, 2008

^naw, Jerry Jones will only let Romo cavort with one person at a time.

Unless Michael “took care of” Jessica.

23. mesablue - October 26, 2008

Wow, Geoff Heaven — http://graphjam.com/

24. mesablue - October 26, 2008

Old Geoff, I mean.

25. skinbad - October 27, 2008

Can you view the Super Bowl from the shower? I won’t meet with possibly antagonistic heads-of-households without preconditions.

26. Cathy - October 27, 2008

Can you view the Super Bowl from the shower? I won’t meet with possibly antagonistic heads-of-households without preconditions.

You won’t be able to WATCH the superbowl, but you WILL be able to HEAR it on the stereo speakers installed in his master-bath.

fwiw – I have NEVER been in that shower. I have my own mistress-bath off the master-bedroom that has a shower and jacuzzi tub. No kid.

27. Retired Geezer - October 27, 2008

No Bidet?

28. sandy burger - October 27, 2008

I’m pretty sure that’s some sort of advanced hydroponic grow room Michael ordered from High Times.

29. Wickedpinto - October 27, 2008

Thats one of the robotic features Geezer.

30. Wickedpinto - October 27, 2008

actually, now that I know that it talks, I think I’m as affraid of this thing as my brother is of midget clowns.

31. Wickedpinto - October 27, 2008

“Wickedsan? Please, wash scrotum more.”
“Wickedsan? Really, what did you eat last night, smells like you whiped your ass with a young man’s t-shirt at a briney beach.”
“Wickedsan? Really, no really dudah, you are not going to shavu?”

Yeah, now that thing scares me.

32. Cathy - October 27, 2008

Wickedsan. Looking forward to IBSBP?

Showah-Lady have way with you, Lovah.

33. Wickedpinto - October 27, 2008

I don’t think I will make it this year babe.

If I get some of my shit together in the next month, then maybe, but if not, probably not.

34. Cathy - October 27, 2008

Just know you are welcome here anytime. Well… iffin you show up at the guard-gate at 4:30 a.m. we might not be as welcoming, but we’ll let you in the door and point you in the direction of the Persimmon Room.

35. Wickedpinto - October 27, 2008

I never got an answer, what the hell is a Persimmon?

36. eddiebear - October 27, 2008

^it’s a fruit, usually orange or off-red, iirc.

My in-laws’ old place used to have persimmon trees lining the drive way. Damn squirrels used to eat most of them.

37. Michael - October 27, 2008

If I get some of my shit together in the next month, then maybe, but if not, probably not.

Well then, get your shit together. Won’t be the same without you.

I’m not sayin’ it will be worse, mind you, just not the same.

38. Wickedpinto - October 27, 2008

sounds queer, is it as doghnut punchy as puking lions?

39. Wickedpinto - October 27, 2008

Thats bro’s attitude too, I’ll work on it mike. As in, ACTUALLY work on it.


40. Michael - October 27, 2008

Worse than puking lions.

41. Michael - October 27, 2008

I mean, this room was too gay for Dave, so that should tell you something. Dave chose the room with the metallic gold walls, which is super-gay in its own right.

42. Michael - October 27, 2008

The whole damn house is gay, to be honest. Frankly, that damn computerized shower with the Teenage-Japanese-Nympho voice is a pretty gay experience.

She does stuff to you that a shower should not do.

43. Wickedpinto - October 27, 2008

I LOVE how much you guys mock your own house.


44. eddiebear - October 27, 2008

^use scented water?

45. eddiebear - October 27, 2008

I took my daughter to Chuck E Chesse’s tonight. That place is the fifth circle of hell.

And it cost me $10.

46. Wickedpinto - October 27, 2008

I don’t know if you saw when I was suggesting that T might try to hook up with pixy.

She read pixies site, and said, (no offense pixy) something like.

“REALLY!? From you to HIM!?” (thats an exact quote)

I just thought about that, cuz I think Pixy would spend about 14 hours a day showering in your japanese voiced shower, meanwhile I and a hot chick would stay dirty in your gay ass guest room.

47. Cathy - October 27, 2008

Persimmon. How might I describe the taste? It’s been too many years, but this is what I remember.

WHEN RIPE the fruit is as soft as a very ripe peach or banana. They are about the size of an apricot. The flavor is very different. Not like anything else here in the U.S. But similar to something I ate in the Yucatan years ago. Sorta like peach, apricot, pumpkin, peppery, and maybe a hint of something more acidic like lime.

Boy! Don’t ever eat them before they ripen! Your mouth will turn inside out in the pucker! Oh.My.

48. Wickedpinto - October 28, 2008


How can I possibly refuse such a blatantly gay offer?

Christopher Lowel would deny that offer, explaining about how he has to decorate Norm Abrahms wood shed.

49. Cathy - October 28, 2008

Gay window treatments.

Trimmed with beads and tassels.

Enough gear to throw from some gay float in a Mardi Gras parade.

Gay fabrics. Velvets, silks, brocades.

Scarlet O’Hara could sew up some nice evening dresses from this stuff.

50. Michael - October 28, 2008

your gay ass guest room

Dude, it’s not just gay guest rooms, or the porno shower.

The prior owner’s gay decorator had a wrought iron fetish. It’s all over the place. Gives the house kind of a dungeon look, to go with all the textured stucco walls. Plus there are crystal beads everywhere, on curtains and lighting fixtures. Gay New Age meets Gay Dungeon. It’s weird.

On the plus side, the flooring is really good. Wood, stone, and marble (in some bathrooms). That gay decorator had good taste in floors. There is not a carpeted room in the entire house. Fortunately, we owned some rugs to deal with this.

The bathroom sinks are not normal. There is not a normal vanity in the house. The sinks are all set in something that looks like a piece of antique furniture.

It’s a strange house.

The covered patio is cool.

51. Wickedpinto - October 28, 2008

Actually, It’s becoming more and more appealing by the metaphor.

Did I tell the story about how when I was in, I required, REQUIRED! that my “head”/bathroom be pink?

Cuz, “It takes a real man to dry his balls with a pink towell?”

52. Cathy - October 28, 2008

*makes note to buy one set of pink towels for IBSBP*

53. Cathy - October 28, 2008

Truth. Last time I ate a persimmon I was at Lake Jacomo. They are indigenous to that area. Maybe somebody we both know who lives there would mail you some persimmons. They usually get ripe after the first frosts.

54. skinbad - October 28, 2008

*makes note to pack towels*

55. lauraw - October 28, 2008

I love persimmons. My grandmother would buy them and set them in the pantry cupboard to finish ripening. When they are really ripe and you cut into them they have kind of a jelly-like consistency, but not mushy, if you get my meaning. The ripe flesh is orange, glassy-shiny and jelly-clear in parts. Super-sugary sweet fruit.

Tastes to me like a mixture of clover honey and apricot.

We made a small batch of persimmon wine once, and it was pretty cool. The fermenting must was orange at first, then all the orange solids settled out and left a pale golden white wine to rack off.

It was kind of flabby after it aged so I turned it into sparkling wine.

56. Wickedpinto - October 28, 2008

I can’t believe that _I_ an AOS regular, and one of the originators of the joke, took this long to remember the damn joke.

I’m not getting anywhere near an enclosed Batbear, cuz then I might get poked with a gaybatbearstick.

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