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Amateur Crimefighting On The Rise? December 28, 2008

Posted by Edward von Bear in Crime, Ducks, Family, Food, Heroes, History, Law, Lurkers, Man Laws, Movies, News, Personal Experiences, Philosophy, Sports, Terrorist Hemorrhoids.
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Attention hardcore crimefighters! Your ranks are under attack. By more thugs? No. The police? Hardly. The real threat to white hot crimefighting thugs comes from dilution of the ranks by amateurs. And their amateur status is reflecting poorly on serious heroes everywhere.

Take, for instance, Mr. Invisible. Insurance salesman by day, mockery of crimefighting by night.

“After months of designing my costume, getting my street moves just right, it was my first week out as a Real Life Superhero – and probably my last. This tiny, tiny girl did not like me trying to calm down her screaming boyfriend. She blindsided me, I’m still bruised. It’s dangerous out there,” said the deflated would-be crime fighter last week.

Mr Invisible is cheered that at least his grey one-piece “invisibility suit” works, proven when a drunk urinated on him in an alley. But he is weary of lurking in dark, down-town Los Angeles after dark.

The 29-year-old graduate is “refocusing” on his day job as an insurance salesman. His farewell appearance will be at a New Year’s Eve party.


But at least Citizen Prime is on the case, and he will look sexy while doing so.

“This is a more serious business than it looks,” said Citizen Prime, whose $4,000 (£2,700) costume disguises an Arizona businessman and father of a toddler who thinks his cape, mask and stun-gun are cool.

Prime patrols some of the most dangerous streets in Phoenix but, like most Reals, is reluctant to speak about the villains he has dispatched with a blow from his martial arts-honed forearm. He does admit helping a motorist change a flat tyre.

“Kids love the costume, so I seek to keep them out of the gangs today rather than take them on tomorrow,” said Prime who, at 41, regards himself as on the mature wing of the Real community.

He is worried about lunatics and hotheads. He says he would never act like the Black Monday Society in Salt Lake City who interrupt drug deals in public parks and face off against armed thugs.

So, old-school crimefighters, the spandex gauntlet has been thrown down in challenge by a new breed. Will you pick it up?


1. Michael - December 28, 2008

Stupid dumbass posers. They give a bad reputation to genuine seasoned crimefighters like me, Casey the Three-Legged Dog, and Batbear.

2. Wickedpinto - December 28, 2008

The Opening of “The Watchmen” is about how normal people feel the urge to defend themselves and others, and it was comics that motivated them to do just that.

3. Wickedpinto - December 28, 2008

Sorry, “The Watchmen” is pretty much the only movie that I REALLY wanted to see for quite some time.

4. geoff - December 29, 2008

Citizen Prime has a MySpace page. There’s a whole bunch more (including CP himself) here.

5. geoff - December 29, 2008

That second link has the following list of serious superheros (as opposed to those who don costumes for advertising or for fun):

Angle Grinder Man (London, England)
Batman & Robin (Whitley, England)
Citizen Prime (Phoenix, US)
Dark Guardian (New York City, US)
Entomo (Naples, Italy)
Green Scorpion (Arizona, US)
Justice Society of Justice (Indianapolis, US)
Red Arrow (Hong Kong, China)
Squeegeeman (New York, US)
Superhero (Florida, US)
The Big ”O” (London, England)
Terrifica (New York, US)
Tothian (New Jersey, US)

You’ve gotta love the “Justice Society of Justice” and “Sqeegeeman.”

6. Pupster - December 29, 2008

Super Bar-Fly – disables criminals with flaming Jeager shots

7. Pupster - December 29, 2008

Captain Pedantry – forces criminals into submission with minutiae illumination, micro-management, and superior spelling and grammar skills

8. Muslihoon - December 29, 2008

Captain Pedantry [et cetera, et cetera, et cetera]


My hero.

9. Pupster - December 29, 2008

Flaming Fabulous- no crime-fighting skills to speak of, but the costume is to die for, and he will give you such a pinch!

10. Not Really Compos, But Close Enough - December 29, 2008

Call me Explosive Bowels Man, clad in girly soccer shorts, and able to destroy a portapotty with one blast.

My fuel that makes it work? Burger King Fries.

11. Pupster - December 29, 2008

Hunchback Hero – slays enemies with a combination of sarcastic wit, bad poetry, a tape gun, and a frozen mackerel

Arch Nemeses- Pudding Head and Irregular Package Man

12. Mr Minority - December 29, 2008

Pun Man – Disables his enemies by spewing a constant stream of truly atrocious puns, which sends criminals in a whimpering mass of protoplasm.

13. eddiebear - December 29, 2008

CrocsMan-Slays villains from the blinding glow of hideous, though practical, shoes and the pale feet they cover. Added bonus: super duper skills come from wide array of Hawaiian shirts of loud plumage to do a high-low attack on a bad guy’s senses.

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