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Wacky Spider Sex December 29, 2008

Posted by Michael in Ducks, Man Laws, Science, Sex.

Spiders are bizarre sex freaks.

I’ve always liked spiders, actually.


But it’s all harmless fun … no wait, actually it’s very harmful. Girl kills guy or guy kills girl — there’s shrill crying, plugged orifices, torn-off genitals, eaten body parts, and psychedelic rituals.

Is this about spiders, or PattyAnn meeting WickedPinto?

Mounting evidence in recent years shows just how crazy spider sex is.

For example, in the case of redback spiders (Latrodectus hasselti), courtship tends to last an average of 50 minutes when males are competing head-to-head for mating rights and 4.5 hours for single, non-competing males. It seems as if the larger male redbacks would always be favored, but scientists recently discovered that the smaller ones actually get more action than their bigger counterparts because they mature faster and are quicker on their feet.

4.5 hours!!!

Dang, I do not want to be that quick on my feet.  I just want two minutes of Business Time.  Two minutes in heaven is better than one minute in heaven.  You want more?  I’m not surprised.

Meanwhile, mature jumping spiders sport crucial glowing patches on their bodies to lure in mates, as if dressed for a rave. The males exhibit UV-reflecting scales that glow in bright white and green, and the females’ have front appendages that similarly glow in a bright green hue.

Turns out, females and males will ignore each other if not seen under full-spectrum light, suggesting that both partners must show their glowing bodies to prove their health before courtship can proceed.

That’s just a dumb idea.  You don’t need UV-reflecting scales.  Somebody should tell those guy spiders about Jade East.

Spiders reproduce sexually, however the male’s sperm is not inserted into the female’s body from within the male’s genitals. Rather an intermediate stage takes place. Males ejaculate onto ready-made small sperm webs and then transfer their sperm to syringe-like structures on the tips of their front appendages, or palps. As courtship progresses for the male jumping spider, he will arch his body, vibrate his palps and slink on tiptoe toward the female. If courtship is successful, the male injects his sperm from his palps into the female’s genital opening, known as the epigyne, on the underside of her abdomen.

In other words, that male spider just jerks off and doesn’t really get any action.

It gets even stranger, I mean, Very Strange: The Spider Sex Chronicles | LiveScience

More on spider sex here at Spider Kama Sutra by Pharyngula – which is where I got the picture.


1. vmaximus - December 29, 2008

I never much cared for spiders. If they are not crawling on me I will let them live. My scary spider story was I needed to get the size and invert of a pipe on a roadway I was widening. I jumped in the truck took the total station, set it up and located the pipe. It was a open grate inlet (open to the ditch on the left grate on the top and pipe from the other side of the road in from the right. I climbed in and measured the size of the pipe (30″IIRC) I rolled over and looked up at the grate. I saw the biggest freaking hourglass I have ever seen in my life!
It really gave me the heebe geebes! I got out of there fast.
I would guess it was a black widow with a body the size of a 1/2 dollar

2. vmaximus - December 29, 2008

Oops I forgot a ) after the word right

3. vmaximus - December 29, 2008

I own all of the comments!
Yeah I am pathetic.

4. Michael - December 29, 2008

Vmax, the post was supposed to be about sex, and you’re commenting about how you got scared by a bug.

5. Michael - December 29, 2008

Put that lame shit over at The Hostages, OK?

6. vmaximus - December 29, 2008

What is that?
It was a poisonous bug. Honest!

7. vmaximus - December 29, 2008

Sorry Michael
I am leaving now………..

8. mesablue - December 29, 2008

Spiders, I squish ’em.


9. Michael - December 29, 2008

It was a poisonous bug. Honest!

Actually, I learned in Boy Scouts to fear the hourglass marking.

10. xbradtc - December 29, 2008

Ban him!

11. this buddy of mine - December 29, 2008

IB’ers know all about jerking it…

12. mesablue - December 29, 2008

Spiderpig, Spiderpig…

13. mesablue - December 29, 2008

I can’t stand that little midget they got to play Spider Man, what’s his name?

14. xbradtc - December 29, 2008

Peter Parker?

15. Michael - December 29, 2008

Ban him!

Nah, Brad, I pretty much only ban people who basically lack a sense of humor. Vmax is not in that class. He may be drunk, he is clearly a weenie about bugs, but he does not lack a sense of humor.

16. mesablue - December 29, 2008
17. mesablue - December 29, 2008

Yeah him.

18. vmaximus - December 29, 2008

try crawling into a grate inlet and looking at a Black Widow perched 18″ above your face!

19. xbradtc - December 29, 2008

He may be have a sense of humor, but he has no sense of what’s funny.

20. xbradtc - December 29, 2008

The actor was Toby Maguire.

21. mesablue - December 29, 2008

Him, too.

22. Michael - December 29, 2008

He may be have a sense of humor, but he has no sense of what’s funny.

Personally, as a white-hot crimefighting thug, I would not be out on the internet telling everyone I was a wuss about some bug. But it’s funny.

23. Mrs. Peel - December 29, 2008

I still call my dad to take care of bugs. Thankfully, he’s only a few miles away.

24. eddiebear - December 29, 2008

when I was growing up, my cousin who is 8 years older than me had a pet tarantula. When the critter would molt its casing, or whatever you call it, he would save it, and then throw it at us younger cousins at parties.

I still hate spiders to this day.

Snakes, OTOH, are cool as shit.

25. eddiebear - December 29, 2008

My wife will wake me up in the morning, or call me in from outside if she sees a bug. I usually try to catch it and release it outdoors.

26. xbradtc - December 29, 2008

snakes give you nasty intestinal bugs.

27. Blackiswhite, Imperial Agent Provocateur - December 29, 2008

We had a tarantula when I was a kid and she kept escaping from her cage. True Story.

28. Wickedpinto - December 29, 2008
29. lauraw - December 30, 2008

As courtship progresses for the male jumping spider, he will arch his body, vibrate his palps and slink on tiptoe toward the female.

I was not aware spiders had toes. I didn’t think they had any other way of walking, either.


Seriously, that’s precisely the kind of kinky shit I would assume spiders were into. Just look at them. They’re freaks.

30. Rich - December 30, 2008

I don’t mind spiders as long as they are not on me. Unless they are black widows, den I klz dem, jist lik tatr bugz..

31. Mr Minority - December 30, 2008

I leave spiders alone, until they reach a certain size…then it squishin’ time!

32. Mr Minority - December 30, 2008

Hell, you can’t live in Texas and be freaked out about bugs, shit they are everywhere!!

In a variety of shapes, sizes and creepability.

33. Wickedpinto - January 1, 2009

True Story, after about a week of constant inventory,and prep for a fsamo inspection (it’s more thorough than an IG, and why I got my NAM) I went in to check up on my friend/subordinate (at least in terms of Mod’s, I had at least 9 billets in my 4 years in) and I’m giving him advice about how to organize his paperwork while I’m helping him around the Cal bay (Calibrations bay)

Now it’s not Clean room, but you have to do a 3 stage entry to enter the cal bay,and you have to wear clean room slippers, which is pretty fucking funny over the top of a set of spit shined combat boots (My shit was always pretty)

Anyways, I’m giving my buddy/subordinate advice on the paper work (aparently good advice cuz he got a NAM too, though he had a GCM, which just doesn’t make sense in my mind) and I’m helping him and his section mates with their work,while nate (his name was nate) id doing paperwork.

I’m told that they need to torque test something and that I need to get some weights, I’m telling nate how to do paper work, and I grab weights for the test, and I’m told to get another one, and as I put my hand into the weight, I see a black widow.

I freaked the Eff out, not cuz I’m affraid of a black widow. I was young and fit, the odds of dying, or even being remotely ill was very unlikely, but I turned to my buddy’s red headed section leader who’s sister I was banging.


She killed the black widow, and called me a pussy and wondered what her sister saw in me, other than my cock, and I mumbled a bunch about paperwork and poor clean room management.

34. Wickedpinto - January 5, 2009

Random question,

Do female spiders have 6 breasts? Cuz if not, thats just a waist of limbs.

35. Are your “spider-senses” tingling? | ZOO*3700's Blog - October 7, 2010

[…] Here’s another blog relating to this strange behaviour: https://michaelscomments.wordpress.com/2008/12/29/the-spider-sex-chronicles/ […]

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