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Trouble Down Under September 29, 2009

Posted by Lipstick in Crime, Terrorist Hemorrhoids, Travel.

All right folks, sit right back while I tell you a tale.

Back in January on the cruise, we made a stop in Christchurch, New Zealand and took an excursion into the country.  We rode the bus way up into the hills and stopped for lunch at a “station”, what they call a ranch.  Here is a photo of the grounds:

New Zealand Australia Jan, 09 065

They served us a very nice lunch with some local wine (I, as always, snagged my sister’s wine as well.)  Then we went outside and strolled around the lovely property and I smoked cigarette or two.   Ahhh, perfection.

Soon we rode up another hill which had a wonderful view:

New Zealand Australia Jan, 09 069

This was the place where we were met by three 4-wheel drive vehicles that would take us through some very rugged terrain.

Oh, this was not going to be just bumpy or have the occasional pothole, this was going to be a head banging against the ceiling, stream crossing, hill climbing, kidney bashing, tailbone smashing ride.    But when the 4x4s showed up, we doubled over at the sight of a port-a-potty being hauled behind the first one.  This thing was hanging on behind, jumping and bobbing and it was the funniest sight!  Here’s what it looks like at rest:

New Zealand Australia Jan, 09 077

Oh we laughed!  HAHAHAHAHA!  Look at that!  What a hoot!

Then we got into the third vehicle and started the rest of the trip.  It went through sheep pastures, more hills, streams and lots of bouncy terrain.  Bounce bounce bounce.  Bouncy bouncy.  And then I felt it.  Lunch, making its way downward.  Bouncy bouncy.

Eh, no big deal, I could last a couple of hours till our destination, I told myself.  Just digesting, no need to panic, this feeling will go away in a bit.  Pop a Pepcid, enjoy the scenery and don’t be a wuss.  Bounce bounce.

Oh. My.  The feeling didn’t go away, it only increased.  “Shut up”, I said to myself, this is not the time or the place, and besides, it’s mind over matter — that’s right, your mind can have power over what your body does and right now you are out in the middle of nowhere with no way to go to the bathroom and the potty is two miles ahead of us.  Yeah, the one we were laughing at and mocking half an hour ago.  Miiiind contrrrrol.

May I say right now that the idea that the mind can control intestinal distress is a load of crap?  Oh heck, don’t mention that word!

No, really, don’t think about it.  Start thinking about contingency plans.  Fast.  Okay, I can ask the driver to stop.  Alright, what do I do then?  There are no trees or adequate shrubbery nearby — just miles of pastures and sheep.    Suck it up, you can last it out.  A few more minutes go by.  Oh no.  It’s beyond urgent here, think of something!

So here was the plan:  I tell the driver I’m car sick and need to go outside to vomit.  Yeah, throwing up seems downright genteel compared to what I really had to do, so that was fine.  Then I got a bunch of Kleenex from my backpack, stuffed them in my jeans pocket and planned to go behind the van and hold on the the back bumper, hopefully out of view from the people in the back seat.  Sorry for the awful image, but the fact is, I just didn’t care anymore.  I didn’t care if anyone saw me squatting like an animal in the field, I just needed out of there fast.

I get halfway out of my seat to go up and tell the driver and see in front of me through the windshield the most glorious sight:

New Zealand Australia Jan, 09 083

Isn’t it pretty?  Isn’t it the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?  Well, it was to me and this is my true story so you all are going to have to live with it.  Ahh, sweet blue box of bliss, peaceful purveyor of privacy.  Nirvana.

I ran.

And when I emerged from that heavenly haven, there was Dad, pointing, laughing and taking pictures.

I love my family.  Really.  Most of the time.


1. Dave in Texas - September 29, 2009

Hahahaha. A compos moment.

Damn, you have been to some beautiful places.

2. Lipstick - September 29, 2009

None more beautiful than the Blue Box of Bliss.

Trust me.

3. Dave in Texas - September 29, 2009

Is that some kinda makeup you apply?

4. Lipstick - September 29, 2009

Could have used some makeup — I was pale and sweating.

5. Will - September 30, 2009

Wait… Looks to me like you took a dump in the Tardis.

6. Dave in Texas - September 30, 2009

I can’t believe I got away with that.

I rule.

7. Lipstick - September 30, 2009

Will, I had to look that one up.

8. Lipstick - September 30, 2009

Dave, is there something else I should look up?

Watch your answer — I’m sending this post to my family.

9. kevlarchick - September 30, 2009

Lipstick you and Compos would make a lovely travelling pair. Since you are a lady, you were relatively discreet, but any man on this blog would make an announcement heard across the mountains.

But still, what a lovely trip.

10. Retired Geezer - September 30, 2009

I can totally identify with your situation.

Great post, you brought teh funny too.

11. compos - September 30, 2009

Glad everything came out alright.

12. reason - September 30, 2009

So…you made it onto the seat in time? You didn’t first make anyone in your vehicle pass out from lack of oxygen? You didn’t permanently ruin any clothing?

Poat did not deliver.

13. Joey Buzz - September 30, 2009

did you leave the door open so as to enjoy the view? I guess that would have taken too much work given the spring….
“I ran”………TMI

I fully understand why you didnt use the subtitle “what a dump”.
wheelin as they say aides digestion.

14. Lipstick - September 30, 2009

Reason, I made it in time, yippee! And the vehicle remained un-gassed, thankfully.

Joey, thinking back, “I ran” is inaccurate — I did that clenched, careful fast-walk.

15. Tushar - September 30, 2009

>>I did that clenched, careful fast-walk.

Aaaaagh!!!! Please don’t make me picture you, or any woman for that matter, that way.

16. scottw - September 30, 2009

Great pictures. I have always pictured New Zealand as rolling hills, I had no idea it was that mountainous.

17. reason - September 30, 2009

“and just as my hand reached for the door-handle, I could hear the driver slowly starting to let out the clutch…”

18. Lipstick - September 30, 2009

Sorry Tushar.

Yeah, Reason, I was afraid of being stuck in there and transported that way to the next stop.

19. Dave in Texas - September 30, 2009

I remember now why I was going to put you in charge of my administration’s travel office.

You have contingency plans.

20. BrewFan - September 30, 2009

It just dawned on me how brilliant the title to this post is. Well done, lipstick!

21. Lipstick - September 30, 2009

Thank you Brewfan and Geezer and KC and everybody.

22. TattooedIntellectual - September 30, 2009

NZ rides the boundary between the Aus and Pacific plates which obduct and subduct at various points. The North Island is also rotating clockwise. Toss in some volcano fun and voila. NZ pretty much rises to a giant ridge in the middle, particularly the South Island.

23. geoff - September 30, 2009

Toss in some volcano fun and voila.

But you can’t count on that: not everybody has Lipstick’s digestive system. (nyuk, nyuk)

Nice post, L. Very well put together.

24. Eddie The Bear - September 30, 2009

Just as long as you didn’t go sliding down the hill inside the port a john

25. Lipstick - September 30, 2009

TI, this was the trip I asked your advice about taking, so thank you! (Really, it was great, especially the jet boat.)

Geoff, my digestive system was permanently messed with from spending a month in Egypt on the 3 dollar a day plan back in ’94. I really wanted to say “back in ought one. . .” . . .but alas. Thank you for the compliment, though!

26. Lipstick - September 30, 2009

Eddie, there was real fear of the caravan moving on and me stuck inside. Oh yes.

27. Eddie The Bear - September 30, 2009


Back in undergrad, I had to make a quick trip to a port a john after eating some Super Hotwings. Needless to say, my friends thought it would be a spiffy idea to rock the box while I was in there.

Nothing really happened, except for a few thousand obscene words exchanged. But I did have a fear that something really bad was about to happen.

28. Lipstick - September 30, 2009

Correction: the month in Egypt was in ’84.

Wow, time flies. Carry on.

29. pendejo grande - October 1, 2009

They don’t have trees in New Zealand?

30. Lipstick - October 1, 2009

Not on that stretch of road. Just wide open spaces and sheep.

31. TattooedIntellectual - October 1, 2009

They don’t have trees in New Zealand?

There are some pretty awesome fern and podocarp forests up on the NI, but once you get into the Southern Alps on the SI there’s not a whole hell of a lot higher than your knees above the tree line.

I’m glad you had fun there Lipstick. Did you ever make it to Wellington? My favorite sushi place is there.

32. Lipstick - October 1, 2009

Wellington, is that where some people have to bring their groceries up to the house by rail on little inclined planes? And they love Peter Jackson (if that’s the name of the Lord of the Rings director).

I did seriously love New Zealand and the week I spent there just made me want to go back again. I have to dig out the photos of an old wooden church in Wellington with Marine Corps flags in it.

33. TattooedIntellectual - October 1, 2009

Yep, Wellington’s the city of cable cars. The harbor’s basically the only flat part of town. Everything else is built up the steep-ass side of the mountain. Stairs, hills, cable cars, and great asses.

34. Michael - October 1, 2009

I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again. New Zealand is the most beautiful place I’ve ever been. People talk about going to Australia, which is OK, but my advice is always — dude, if you’re going to fly that far and pay that much to get there, go to New Zealand.

They really don’t market themselves as aggressively as they should for the tourist trade. Especially in Asia. For sheer scenic beauty, NZ easily rivals Hawaii. So why do all the Japanese fly east to Hawaii instead of south to NZ? I know, Hawaii is actually closer, but still . . .

35. Lipstick - October 1, 2009

Michael, take Cathy on a small ship, luxury cruise to Norway. (Hint: Silversea)

I could happily go live in New Zealand or Tasmania, but for sheer scenery go up the west coast of Norway, in the fjords and don’t miss the Lofoten Islands.

Plus, they have a good humidor smoking room. And balconies.

36. Michael - October 1, 2009

I actually have been to Norway when I was a kid — a foreign exchange student with a German family. All these years later, I remember that it was gorgeous. One thing I remember is that, just driving around in the country up north, it was very vertical and you were never out of earshot of falling water in the summer.

Cathy has not been there, so a cruise to Norway is not a bad idea.

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