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Interesting Scientific Breakthrough, and New IB Swag January 28, 2010

Posted by Sobek in News.
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Hey fellahs, have you noticed that a pretty large percentage of what women say is completely useless?  With men, we communicate pretty efficiently.  When a guy needs to take a leak, he says “I gotta take a leak,” which communicates all the information necessary with just enough words to be crass.  When a woman has to pee, she’ll yammer on for a good fifteen minutes, and if you actually have the patience and stamina to listen to all of it, you’ll figure out that what she’s really saying is that she has to pee.  She could have just said “I need to pee,” but no, she’s a woman, so she’ll go on and on and on.

Now that women have some rights and stuff, there isn’t really anything men can do about the situation, short of moving to Saudi Arabia, which — let’s face it — would take a lot more effort than any of you men are about to put forth.  But the other day on the radio I learned about an amazing device that will actually filter out the useless things women say.  It’s like having the “Cliff Notes for Whatever Your Woman Is Sputtering About Instead of Making You a Sammich.”  Or you know those special headsets that cancel out jet engine noise while letting you hear other stuff?  Imagine if you had a device that would only let you hear the important things a woman has to say.

Well I’m happy to announce that not only does such a device exist, but you can get it exclusively through Innocent Bystanders.  I personally guarantee it will eliminate 100% of the useless crap you would otherwise hear from your woman.

Order yours today!

Comments»

1. White Lily - January 28, 2010

If you ask him, and he’s honest, he’ll admit that he’s actually only ever used earplugs against the kids, but never me…despite the fact that I clobber him with conversation every night after work.

2. kevl - January 28, 2010

I say “I gotta pee”

and

“would you please mount me?”

and

“If I don’t get something to eat I’m going to hurt someone”

3. Dave in Texas - January 28, 2010

*strains half deaf right ear in the direction of something I just now heard…

4. Rich - January 28, 2010

Huh?

5. composmentis - January 28, 2010

“would you please mount me?”

See, this is what Sobek’s talking about. Those are five words you’ve wasted breath and energy saying. All you have to do is point south of the border. Unless he’s blind. Then the last two words are really all that’s necessary. In fact, a suggestive grunt would suffice. And by decreasing the number of words you use, you’re reducing your carbon footprint and doing your part to save a cuddly, Coca-Cola drinking polar bear.

6. Dave in Texas - January 28, 2010

I don’t know about the rest of you mugs, but I’m ok with the entire sentence.

7. kevl - January 28, 2010

I also say “you’re a dumbass.”

8. Tushar - January 28, 2010

>>“would you please mount me?”

I wholeheartedly support that line, and hope all the women in the world use it more often.

9. Tushar - January 28, 2010

OT: Chrissy Matthews statement about forgetting Obum’s race for an hour reminded me of an old story:

Two young men, training to become priests, and having taken a vow of celibacy, are walking through the woods. They come across a stream, and a stunningly beautiful young woman on it’s shore.

“I can’t swim, and I am afraid of water. Can you help me across?” asked the young woman.

One of the young priests agreed, and carried her over his shoulder across the stream, bade goodbye, and the two priests walked on.

The other priest was too stunned by the behavior of the first guy. How could a person who has taken a vow of celibacy TOUCH a woman? He said nothing for a few hours, but finally asked, “how could you, having taken a vow of celibacy, touch that woman? Allow her to sit on your shoulder?”

The other priest laughed and said, “I dropped her off hours ago. But it seems YOU are still carrying her around.”

10. Dave in Texas - January 28, 2010

>> I also say “you’re a dumbass.”

Oh I hear that all the time.

11. kevl - January 28, 2010

Can’t you touch a woman and still be celibate?

*googles Catechism*

12. Tushar - January 28, 2010

>>Can’t you touch a woman and still be celibate?

The vow of celibacy has different details in the sub-sections and addendums in different cultures.

A guy who doesn’t touch, but is constantly thinking of women cannot be called a celibate person. At best, he can be called a Rosetta.

13. composmentis - January 28, 2010

Speaking of which, have you seen the video of the Catholic wedding where th bride is taking Communion and the priest drops the Eucharist down the front of her gown? She looks at him like “What am I supposed to do now?” and he actually tries to go after it.

14. composmentis - January 28, 2010

Are you celibate if you touch yourself? Repeatedly?

15. Tushar - January 28, 2010

>>Are you celibate if you touch yourself? Repeatedly?

Then you are a Wiserbud.

16. Pupster - January 28, 2010

*makes Kevl a sammich*

17. kevl - January 28, 2010

Pups, I prefer a mani and a pedi please.

18. composmentis - January 28, 2010

Does that mean I can have the sammich?

19. Dave in Texas - January 28, 2010

I always celibrate when I touch a woman.

20. Dave in Texas - January 28, 2010

Well, I mean I would. Celibrate.

somethin

21. kevl - January 28, 2010

Don’t you mean calibrate?

22. Dave in Texas - January 28, 2010

>> Don’t you mean calibrate?

There are some angles and stuff involved, yeah.

23. TGSG - January 28, 2010

“would you please mount me?”

come ooooooooon guys…

“I’ll be in my bunk”

24. Cathy - January 28, 2010

Michael’s not had to endure one word of my crap in over a week.

Didn’t need those blue things either…

25. Cathy - January 28, 2010

*wonders if they work when Obami talks*

26. Dave in Texas - January 28, 2010

Are you home? Welcome home!

27. Michael - January 28, 2010

No, she’s not home. I’m all by myself. Not even a dog. Just Batbear.

come ooooooooon guys…

TGSG — What is your point? Do you think we should all go nuts because Kevl is a slut:? C’mon. We all knew years ago that she was one of the bad girls in high school. We’re over it.

28. Michael - January 28, 2010

OK, I’m not actually over it, but I now live a thousand miles away, which makes it impractical to stalk her.

29. Michael - January 28, 2010

One time, years ago, Kevl was flirting and referred to IB guys as “white hot crimefighting thugs.”

For that comment, I will love her until the day I die.

30. Lipstick - January 28, 2010

When Cathy mentioned “those blue things” I thought she was saying that Michael uses V–gra.

31. kevl - January 29, 2010

I was not a slut in high school. You are offensive Michael.

But I never had to pay for dope.

32. Dave in Texas - January 29, 2010

>> We all knew years ago that she was one of the bad girls in high school.

I was gonna say when you graduated from law school but you had to have been out for 8 or 9 years by then.

33. Pupster - January 29, 2010

“Pups, I prefer a mani and a pedi please.”

Would you settle for a man who pretends to be a quadruped?

34. Dave in Texas - January 29, 2010

Or would you prefer, the Manolo?

35. haylz - February 24, 2010

i tought this was bout scienfitic hings but its bout stupid stuff


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