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State of the Blog January 28, 2010

Posted by Sobek in News.
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Esteemed blog administrators.  Fellow co-bloggers.  Loyal readers, mouth-breathing fools, women of loose morals and little common sense.  I am honored to address you today to fulfill the noble tradition of delivering this annual State of the Blog post.

The State of the Blog is nothing short of pathetic.  As you know, and as I’ve consistently said, when I first invited myself to post here I inherited a massive traffic deficit and a blog war with Bill Ardolino.  What was once a vast and proud army of female co-bloggers has dwindled to the X-chromosome’s answers to Quasimodo and Bigfoot.  What I’m getting at, here, is that the current dismal state of affairs is not my fault in any way, shape or form.

Some might say it’s strange that I would say I’m honored to address you, in light of what a moral and intellectual vacuum this place is.  To them I say, I am the change that we’ve been waiting for.  Also, I’m so wicked-butt-kicking awesome that everything honors me.  The fact that I’ve deigned to associate with you at all is not only a ray of light to you, but also an additional facet of my own amazingness.

But I wasn’t self-appointed to this position just to receive your accolades.  No, that’s only about ninety percent of the story.  I was also self-appointed to whip things into shape around here.  Some might say that it’s a lost cause, that you are simply too australopethican for remedy, and that my recent spate of restraining orders and those trumped up charges for transporting narcotics across state lines in the hollowed corpse of a runaway teen prostitute have drained me of the political capital necessary for such an ambitious agenda.  But I don’t intend to stop fighting.  Did the Visigoths give up when the Bushmen sacked Buenos Aires?  Okay, I’m still looking up the answer to that, but the point is that I’m not going to give up.

So I’m here to announce bold new plans for the new year.  First, I’m going to demand that Dave in Texas and BrewFan submit me a plan to increase traffic and ad revenues by the end of March.  I’m not going to give them any indication of how I want that done.  I just want them to do the work so I can get the credit.

Second, I’m going to call for an end to the divisive bitterness that too often plagues us.  Sure, we all know that Michael abuses his admin privileges by correcting spelling errors in his comments, but how many of you knew that he also deliberately edits errors into Pupster’s comments?  Now that I’ve ratted Michael out, I don’t want any more divisiveness.  I’m serious.

Third, I’m going to ban all of the Hostages.  Or to be more specific, I’m going to tell Retired Geezer to ban them all.  If this move results in a backlash of any sort, then I’ll blame it on him.  Otherwise I get the credit, because that’s the way I roll.

Fourth, I’m going to force Tushar and Sandy Burger to convert to Mormonism.  That’s right, I respect our country and our Constitution far too much to let them go on believing whatever non-Mormon things they believe right now.  Frankly, I don’t know why we let that dark-skinned fellow in here in the first place, with his Qu’ran and his prayer rugs and whatnot.  I’m putting Skinbad and Muslihoon in charge of this important task.  I also pledge to spend $400 trillion dollars of other peoples’ money on solid gold copies of the Book of Mormon for this purpose.  Some might say that is both unnecessary and patently insane.  But as I’ve consistently said, don’t hate the player; hate the game.

Finally, as noted above, this place is turning into a total sausage-fest.  KevlarChick is now in charge of bringing some more hot babes.  If she does a good job, I will spend another $500 trillion on a stimulus package consisting of whipped cream, scented lotions, and substantial kickbacks to KevlarChick.

In summary, Geoff hates America and the Constitution, and he’ll answer to Congress for producing charts that demoralize the population so much that the American people don’t want to pay a seventy-percent income tax.  And Russ from Winterset’s failure to develop downloadable bacon is his own fault, not mine.  Go Saints.

Comments»

1. Muslihoon - January 28, 2010

I wish blogpostcomments had a “Like” button like Facebook. I’d totally hit that button.

There’s a Muslim around here parts? Silence! I kill you!

2. Muslihoon - January 28, 2010

If DiT bans the Hostages, I’ll blow up his embassy! My people are good at that, dontchaknow.

*knock knock knock*

Hmmm, two people in suits. Either missionaries or FBI. Either way, I’m in trouble.

Bomb ya later!

3. Michael - January 28, 2010

noble tradition of delivering this annual State of the Blog post.

Liar. There has never been a State of the Blog Address before.

when I first invited myself to post here

Another lie. I invited you to post here when you crapped out on your own blog, after polling the then current Main Page Commenters about the idea.

I did the same thing with John at Wuzzadem and Dave at Garfield Ridge, but they were both smart enough to turn us down.

you are simply too australopethican

I don’t even believe that is a word in the English language. If it is, only gay guys know about it.

Now that I’ve ratted Michael out, I don’t want any more divisiveness. I’m serious.

Fuck you! Pupster did not know about that.

KevlarChick is now in charge of bringing some more hot babes. If she does a good job, I will spend another $500 trillion on a stimulus package consisting of whipped cream, scented lotions, and substantial kickbacks to KevlarChick.

I’m on board with this. Geezer can raise the money with the tee-shirt sale he promised to organize about three years ago. So far, all we have managed to sell is stuff with Geoff’s chart on Zazzle, and S. Weasel is raking in the big bucks from that. Meanwhile, Cathy has been cranking out embroidered “Innocent Bystanders” sweatshirts and “The Hostages” chambray work shirts to give her pals for free. That sucks.

4. Lipstick - January 29, 2010

. . . women of loose morals and little common sense. . .

*ears perk up*

Huh? (snort) Wha? (brushes crumbs off sweatshirt) Somebody call me? Eh?

5. Michael - January 29, 2010

(brushes crumbs off sweatshirt)

Was that your IB sweatshirt?

Stretched taut by your bodacious tatas?

Just curious.

6. Lipstick - January 29, 2010

No, it’s a fleece thing with a fleece jacket over it. It’s so cold here — would you believe it’s 48 outside? And there was (horror), FROST the other morning!!1!

That’s just wrong.

7. Lipstick - January 29, 2010

Stretched taught

You’re lucky Mrs. Peel isn’t around to point out the spelling error. (Which you will fix with your own personal wayback machine)

8. Michael - January 29, 2010

That’s just wrong.

Indeed so. If your impressive hooters are all muffled up in fleece-wear, then I say Global Warming is not working out the right way.

9. Lipstick - January 29, 2010

Yep, you changed your comment.

I knew I could count on you!

🙂

10. Michael - January 29, 2010

😉

11. geoff - January 29, 2010

Very nice, Sobek.

I don’t even believe that is a word in the English language. If it is, only gay guys know about it.

Certainly not spelled that way it isn’t. The straight way of spelling it has two “i’s.”

12. geoff - January 29, 2010

Stretched taut by your bodacious tatas?

A new word? “Her sweatshirt was tatataut.”

13. Michael - January 29, 2010

Geoff, you can back me up on this.

The online persona who is really funny-modest about her appearance, aside from Lipstick, is Laura.

She’s hot. She has that smoking-hot Southern Med look going for her.

Am I right? Yes, I am. That’s what makes the hunchback meme and the crazy avatar funny.

Any number of guys besides Geoff will back me up on this. Dave, Tushar, Wiserbud, Rosetta, Gabe, Drew, etc., they will all back me up on this.

And Scott. He will back me up on this, but I’m not sure his opinion counts, because he married her, so he may not be objective about Laura’s hotness. When you are married to somebody, emotional factors tend to obscure your judgment.

14. Lipstick - January 29, 2010

Also, Cathy is one hot mamma with a rocking bod. Kevl too — I stood behind her at the gun range.

15. geoff - January 29, 2010

Geoff, you can back me up on this.

lw would be hot even if she really were shaped like Quasimodo, but she’s absolutely not. She’s a real-life babe, as well as a wickedly funny blogger babe.

16. Michael - January 29, 2010

Which is why I am saying, when I tell you here that Mrs. Sobek is hot, and Sobek agrees, it’s my opinion that counts.

17. geoff - January 29, 2010

Meanwhile, Cathy has been cranking out embroidered “Innocent Bystanders” sweatshirts and “The Hostages” chambray work shirts to give her pals for free.

I don’t know about the Hostages’ shirts, but the IB sweatshirts were way nicer than anything you can get at CafePress or Zazzle. They were worth some real money.

18. Lipstick - January 29, 2010

Michael, excellent point about Mrs. Sobek. She is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen.

19. Michael - January 29, 2010

Also, Cathy is one hot mamma with a rocking bod.

I am inclined to agree with you. It has occurred to me that about 67% of the twenty-something chicks I see would swap their body for Cathy’s.

But, by my own standards, my opinion is not objective and does not count.

20. Lipstick - January 29, 2010

(Ed McMahon voice)

Michael, you ARE correct!

21. Lipstick - January 29, 2010

Correct about 20-somethings willing to swap their bods for Cathy’s.

22. Michael - January 29, 2010

Does anybody else notice that when Lipstick comments she is affirming someone?

Every time.

It’s like a compulsive behavior for her.

23. Michael - January 29, 2010

Except for the neighbor’s kids using the pool. That was a rare exception when she was genuinely pissed off.

24. Lipstick - January 29, 2010

Michael, you are wrong!!

(See?)

25. Michael - January 29, 2010

(See?)

Lipstick, that is the most pathetic attempt to be confrontational that I can imagine. It just makes me want to go over to The Hostages and bitch-slap Pajama Mama. (Cathy made her a shirt, by the way.)

26. d3ft punk - January 29, 2010

Unprecedented!

But, no shout out to us innocent bystanders? Really?

27. kevlarchick - January 29, 2010

Hot wimmins? There are plenty as far as I can see. More than you fellers can handle, in fact.

I will take those kickbacks tho.

28. BrewFan - January 29, 2010

My plan for increasing traffic and boosting ad revenue:

http://tinyurl.com/ybhgfdo

29. divemedic - January 29, 2010

Lipstick’s comments about the weather makes it sound suspiciously like you are in my neck of the woods. Are any of you in Central Florida? If so, what are the odds of organizing a Central Florida Blogger Day at the Range/ Blog meet?

30. Tushar - January 29, 2010

That is not true!
**shakes head**

31. Tushar - January 29, 2010

>>Any number of guys besides Geoff will back me up on this. Dave, Tushar, Wiserbud, Rosetta, Gabe, Drew, etc., they will all back me up on this.

Oh yeah. I met up with Ace and a few morons an year ago in NY. There was this korean dude who goes by the name “someone”. He said that “Lauraw is actually pretty hot!” and his eyes lighted up.

32. Russ from Winterset - January 29, 2010

I’m just saying: If I hadn’t been required to focus on crotch protection for that three month period in early ’08, downloadable bacon would be in the beta testing stage by now.

33. geoff - January 29, 2010

Lipstick’s comments about the weather makes it sound suspiciously like you are in my neck of the woods.

Naw, she lives about 2500 miles WNW of you.

Are any of you in Central Florida?

You might talk to Vmax – he’s at least in FL.

34. Dave in Texas - January 29, 2010

>> First, I’m going to demand that Dave in Texas and BrewFan submit me a plan to increase traffic and ad revenues by the end of March.

TFH.

I’m gonna take the day off now. Be sure to adjust my bonus payout to 100%.

35. Car in - January 29, 2010

Third, I’m going to ban all of the Hostages. Or to be more specific, I’m going to tell Retired Geezer to ban them all. If th

Does this include me? I mean, I have poating privileges, but who doesn’t? But, since I have my own blog, I’m thinking there is some way I can weasel out of this.

36. Vmaximus - January 29, 2010

Crap I am Banned?

snicker

37. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere - January 29, 2010

I was a Rottie before I was a Hostage.

I can’t give up being an asshole though. Its an occupational requirement.

38. GrumpyUnk - January 29, 2010

B+ on the State of the Blog speech.

But all this hot womerns talk requires pictures. And maybe a Unicorn. But definitely pictures.

Send some Global Warming too. 14 friggen degrees here.

39. Retired Geezer - January 29, 2010

I’m going to ban all of the Hostages. Or to be more specific, I’m going to tell Retired Geezer to ban them all.

Bu… bu… but I Like Rosetta!

40. sandy burger - January 29, 2010

Fourth, I’m going to force Tushar and Sandy Burger to convert to Mormonism.

Well, I better get a free trampoline out of this.

41. wiserbud - January 29, 2010

Bu… bu… but I Like Rosetta!

You ought to be banned from the internet entirely for that comment

42. geoff - January 29, 2010

You ought to be banned from the internet entirely for that comment

…if not humanity itself.

43. Pupster - January 29, 2010

he also deliberately edits errors into Pupster’s comments?

I NEW IT!

44. skinbad - January 29, 2010

Sandy? When you give up the sweet, sweet cheeba you will have plenty of money to sink into wholesome recreation.

45. Tushar - January 29, 2010

Fourth, I’m going to force Tushar and Sandy Burger to convert to Mormonism.

Educate me again. Is Mormonism the religion of green jello, or casserole?
And do carrot shavings play a part? If I am going to convert, I might as well get the important details right.

46. White Lily - January 29, 2010

Holy Cow, this thread is sizzling HOT! Something about commenting here must make women hot, because everyone is HOT!

Actually, I think Lipstick forgot her glasses that night (#18), and Michael’s opinion (#16) really doesn’t amount to much since he thinks any person with boobs and a pulse is hot. But all of the other IB women I’ve met, yes…definitely HOT.

47. Tushar - January 29, 2010

>>Michael’s opinion really doesn’t amount to much since he thinks any person with boobs and a pulse is hot.

Not true. Michael never said that Michael Moore is hot.

48. geoff - January 29, 2010

boobs and a pulse

IFYVI, aWLtStYN

(where N=newsletter)

49. Pupster - January 29, 2010

What’s the “j” =?

50. Retired Geezer - January 29, 2010

Hey Brewfan, here’s the World’s Strongest Beers

You’re welcome.

51. Pupster - January 29, 2010

No fare.

52. kevlarchick - January 29, 2010

geoff wtf? Is it safe to translate for us non brainiacs?

My dear White Lily, do you remember when we made jewelry together? We must meet again sometime. You are lovely, and I still smile at seeing you sitting on your man’s lap. Beautiful couple.

I’ve had a little wine tonight.

53. Dave in Texas - January 29, 2010

I find your ideas very interesting, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

54. BrewFan - January 29, 2010

Thanks, Geezer!

55. Jones in CO - January 29, 2010

Does this mean IB is in a quagmire? What’s your exit stategy? Will there be pie? ANSWER ME

Michael - January 29, 2010

Michael’s opinion really doesn’t amount to much since he thinks any person with boobs and a pulse is hot.

That is totally not true.

Gross physical deformities, like a humpback, or like a chick with two heads, turn me off.

Except when both heads are talking dirty, or the humpback is freshly waxed and shining in the moonlight and it is kind of romantic.

56. Vmaximus - January 29, 2010

What you have not banned me yet?

I am so disappointed.


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