jump to navigation

Haven’t Seen Sobek Around Much… April 25, 2010

Posted by Sobek in Law, Politics.
trackback

Most of you probably don’t know I recently got a new job.  I didn’t mention it here because it’s some hush-hush, government type stuff.  But the project I’m working on now is really cool, and I just gotta share some of it with you, my blog buddies.

I’ve been drafting regulations for Obama’s new socialized medicine plan.  As you may know, Congress only passes the outlines of a massive government bureaucracy, and leaves it up to the unelected, unaccountable executive branchers like myself to fill in the details.  (In this context, the word “details” is synonymous with “substance”.)  Here’s a sample regulation, to help illustrate my point:

18 CFR §2301: Regulations Concerning the Consumability of Food Items Determined to Be on the Ground, Relative to Time (the “Five Second Rule” and the “Thirty Second Rule”); Definitions; Penalties for Violations Thereof

(1)(a) Except as otherwise provided in subsection (2) herein, whoever consumes a food item, as defined in 18 CFR §§ 2302-11 inclusive, which has been in physical contact with the ground for greater than or equal to five seconds from the time the food item first came into contact with the ground, until the time the food item it removed from the ground, shall be deemed to have violated the Five Second Rule, and subject to the penalties set forth in subsection (4) herein.

(b) Food Items Subject to the Thirty Second Rule. Those food items subject to the Thirty Second Rule, as defined in subsection (3)(c) herein, may be consumed without penalty if retrieved from the ground within thirty seconds of contact therewith, provided that (i) the consumer thereof has had actual, visual contact with the food item for the entire thirty seconds, and (ii) no visible contaminant has come into contact with the food item during the time period in which it was in contact with the ground.

(2) Exceptions. (a) In case of food items which are liquid or semi-liquid, the Five Second Rule shall not apply.  In such cases, any contact with the ground shall render the food item unfit for consumption, and subject the consumer thereof to the penalties set forth in subsection (4) without regard to the length of time such food item was in contact with the ground.

(b) In case of hard food items, the Five Second Rule shall not apply as set forth in subsection (1) herein, but instead will be subject to the modified Thirty Second Rule.

(3) Definitions. (a) The “Ground” shall include the floor of any residence, place of public accommodation, or when out-doors, any area of dirt, asphalt or concrete.  A “place of public accommodation” has the meaning ascribed to it in 18 CFR §§ 1108-09 inclusive.  This Section does not take into account whether the area of the ground with which the food item comes into contact is considered by the consumer to be dirty or clean, or some intermediate state between dirtiness and cleanliness.  By way of illustration, but not by way of limitation, it shall not be considered a defense to the violation of this section that the food was dropped on the consumer’s mother’s floor.

(b) Food items are considered to be “liquid” if they can in the ordinary course of consumption be consumed through a straw.  This definition shall include food items generally referred to as “drinks,” such as orange juice, Slurpees or vermouth.

(c) Food items are considered to be “semi-liquid” if in the ordinary course of consumption they retain a solid state for more than one full second, at room temperature, after removal from a container, but which thereafter, or at higher than room temperature loses the shape of the container.  By way of illustration, but not by way of limitation, pudding, custard and canned cranberry sauce shall be considered “semi-liquid” under this section, but applesauce and gravy shall be considered “liquid.”

(d) Food items are considered to be “hard food items” if, in the ordinary course of consumption, when dropped from a height of four feet above the ground, they retain their shape.  Food items which are covered in or surrounded by a liquid or semi-liquid food items, which would otherwise be considered “hard food items” if not so covered or surrounded, shall not be considered “hard food items” for purposes of this section when so covered or surrounded.  By way of illustration, but not by way of limitation, Oreo cookies are hard food items, but a steak with mushroom sauce is not a hard food item.

(e) A “visible contaminant” includes any contaminant, visible to the naked human eye, which would in any way affect the sanitation or flavor of the food item.  By way of example, but not by way of limitation, any parts of a dog’s nose, mouth, tongue or paw shall be considered a visible contaminant.  In addition, other food items considered “liquid” or “semi-liquid” under subsections (3)(b) and (c) are considered to be visible contaminants if consumption of the food item would violate the Five Second Rule.

(4) Penalties.

(a) Any person who intentionally, knowingly, recklessly or negligently violates any subsection of this regulation shall be deemed to be “gross,” and the Attorney General shall publish said person’s name, address, telephone number and driver’s license photo in the Congressional Record for the fiscal year in which the violation occurred.

(b) Any person who is determined by a District Court of the United States, or by the Attorney General of the United States or his designee as defined in  3 CFR § 154, or by the Secretary of Health and Human Services or his designee as defined in 3 CFR § 155, as “gross” pursuant to subsection (4)(a) herein on more than two occasions, and whose identity has been published in the Congressional Register in conformity with subsection (4)(a) herein, shall not be eligible for access to or treatment by any medical care provider, as defined in 24 CFR § 9872.

(c) Any person who is determined by a District Court of the United States, or by the Attorney General of the United States or his designee as defined in  3 CFR § 154, or by the Secretary of Health and Human Services or his designee as defined in 3 CFR § 155, as “gross” pursuant to subsection (4)(a) herein on more than three occasions, and whose identity has been published in the Congressional Register in conformity with subsection (4)(a) herein, shall be subject to the tax penalties set forth in 16 CFR §§ 1808-97.

(d) Any person who is determined by a District Court of the United States, or by the Attorney General of the United States or his designee as defined in  3 CFR § 154, or by the Secretary of Health and Human Services or his designee as defined in 3 CFR § 155, as “gross” pursuant to subsection (4)(a) herein on more than five occasions, and whose identity has been published in the Congressional Register in conformity with subsection (4)(a) herein, shall be deemed an enemy of the state pursuant to 18 USC § 1584, and subject to summary capital punishment and corruption of blood.

It’s a work in process, but you get the idea.  It feels good to be part of history, you know?

Comments»

1. wiserbud - April 24, 2010

needs more words to be a real regulation. Still a little vague…….

2. daveintexas - April 24, 2010

BiW?

3. geoff - April 25, 2010

You can take the boy out of the legal profession….

4. White Lily - April 25, 2010

…it shall not be considered a defense to the violation of this section that the food was dropped on the consumer’s mother’s floor.

You’ve just denied our youngest access to medical care, you realize…

……….

Sobek dropped a meatball from his Subway sandwich on the restaurant floor today and considered the “five second rule.” I told him if he ate anything off that floor my lips would never touch his again. I suppose that’s where ^ this ^ came from….

5. Retired Geezer - April 25, 2010

shall include food items generally referred to as “drinks,” such as orange juice, Slurpees or vermouth.

Vermouth?

I don’t think that is considered a ‘drink’ even by hobos.

6. Michael - April 25, 2010

Sobek dropped a meatball from his Subway sandwich on the restaurant floor today and considered the “five second rule.”

The “five second rule” is for real. Germs just don’t move that fast. It’s a scientific fact.

BiW?

Nah. BiW would have made this a wordy regulation, rather than the precise and succinct text that you see above.

7. geoff - April 25, 2010

I suppose that’s where ^ this ^ came from….

What have ye wrought?

8. geoff - April 25, 2010

O/T: This Daily Show bit was pretty funny.

9. kevlarchick - April 25, 2010

*tries to find that funky symbol next to every “CFR” on keyboard*

10. Cathy - April 25, 2010

Germs just don’t move that fast.

Alcohol fights germs. Scientific fact… and historically, why folks like Luther drank so much ale & beer in the before refrigeration.

11. daveintexas - April 25, 2010

§

12. daveintexas - April 25, 2010

AHA. It’s an ASCII 167 code.

KC, use this:

& # 167 ;

no spaces

13. Anonymous - April 25, 2010

Whoa! DiT goes all techie.

Your job is to sit in a comfortable cabin and yell at the minions, Dave. Don’t go around blabbing about ASCII and shit.

14. Tushar - April 25, 2010

Oops,

the above Anonymous commenter is me

15. daveintexas - April 25, 2010

I learned EBCDIC first.

16. BrewFan - April 25, 2010

I learned EBCDIC first.

heh

17. daveintexas - April 25, 2010

sucka

18. BrewFan - April 25, 2010

what hotel you staying at in July?

19. daveintexas - April 25, 2010

YMCA Greater Hartford.

If Wiserbud calls the cops on me out in the yard again.

20. BrewFan - April 25, 2010

I’m serious, mister. I don’t know where to stay!

21. daveintexas - April 25, 2010

check your email farthead.

22. BrewFan - April 25, 2010

thanks!!

23. BrewFan - April 25, 2010

dunky shane!

24. Michael - April 25, 2010

We are not making reservations until we find out where the rest of you are.

So we can be somewhere else.

25. Michael - April 25, 2010

I mean, what I heard is that when the Windsor police shut down a party, they are kinda indiscriminate about who they taze.

Just sayin’.

26. Michael - April 25, 2010

Actually, Cathy is booking us at the Marriott, which is less than a mile from the meetup.

27. BrewFan - April 25, 2010

Now I understand why Dave wanted to email me the information.

28. daveintexas - April 25, 2010

I’m not as dumb as I look Brew.

All serial, Laura and Scott want to keep the location on the down low, so no posty, capeesh?

29. Mrs. Peel - April 25, 2010

I’m a biomedical engineer, so you can trust me when I say that the five-second rule is BS. I fully concur with White Lily on the husband-eats-food-off-Subway-floor-and-subsequently-loses-kissing-privileges thing.

That reminds me of a classic song by Die Prinzen:

30. geoff - April 25, 2010

Sorry to hear about your daughter, Dave – glad she’s OK. Still, that had to be hugely traumatic for her.

31. daveintexas - April 25, 2010

Thanks Geoff. She’s fine, back at her apt.

Truck’s gettin towed into town now, I just got off the phone with the tower dude.

Most important thing, she’s ok.

*heaves the sigh

32. Lipstick - April 25, 2010

What happened to Daughter in Texas?

33. daveintexas - April 25, 2010

she hit a deer on the way back to school this afternoon..

she’s ok. A friend came to take her home, and I found a towin company to come get the truck.

She wasn’t hurt, the rest we can fix.

34. Mrs. Peel - April 25, 2010

Yikes. Glad she’s ok.

35. daveintexas - April 25, 2010

Thanks hon. Me too.

36. Sobek - April 25, 2010

“…so you can trust me when I say that the five-second rule is BS.”

The science is settled, Mrs. Peel. If it’s in a regulation, it must be true.

37. Eddie The Bear - April 25, 2010

5 seconds rule? Just make sure nobody sees you do it.

38. Lipstick - April 25, 2010

The thing is, losing a whole meatball means you’ve lost a significant portion of what makes your sammich good.

It’s a serious loss.

39. Lipstick - April 25, 2010

Glad your daughter is okay, Dave. That must have been scary.

How is the deer? And why do those dumbasses wait by the side of the road and decide to jump out just as a car is passing?

It freaks me out just seeing them when driving cause I know their pinheads are thinking ‘Hey, now would be a GREAT time to cross the road!”

40. Mrs. Peel - April 26, 2010

The deer at work look both ways before they cross the road. It’s hilarious. I’m not kidding – I have, on multiple occasions, witnessed a deer walk up to the side of the road, wait for all the cars to stop, look both ways, and cross the road. Makes me laugh every time. Although deer are major pest animals.

41. Lipstick - April 26, 2010

Texas deer appear to be smarter than Pennsylvania deer.

42. Sobek - April 26, 2010

“It’s a serious loss.”

Exactly. That’s why I saved the meatball in a napkin so I can decide what to do about White Lily’s ultimatum.

I’m glad someone here gets it.

43. Dave in Texas - April 26, 2010

She was doing 65. The deer has joined the choir invisible. It’s metabolic processes have ceased.

44. Dave in Texas - April 26, 2010

Thanks Lipstick.

45. Michael - April 26, 2010

That’s why I saved the meatball in a napkin so I can decide what to do about White Lily’s ultimatum.

Dude, just eat it on they sly and never tell her.

A little deceit is good for every marriage.

46. Dave in Texas - April 26, 2010

§ indeed

47. wiserbud - April 26, 2010

damn, dave, thank the Lord your daughter is okay. Hitting a dear at that speed can be pretty dangerous indeed, and not just for the deer.

48. Dave in Texas - April 26, 2010

Yeah, thanks Wiser. And you’re right, she was fortunate it was a smallish one and she didn’t get kicked into the eastbound lane.

Stuff like this, you just say “thanks” and deal with the little things.

49. skinbad - April 26, 2010

I hate deer. I sold my motorcycle a few years ago because they are so thick around here. We’ve got elk to worry about as well. That would be like hitting a horse–or the star of “Precious.”

50. daveintexas - April 26, 2010

No shit. Damned pests, and dangerous ones at that. Friend of mine here at work hit one a few years ago riding his bike, damn near killed him.

51. kevl - April 26, 2010

In our county we have permission to shoot them – with a crossbow. Sorry, not many Robin Hood types in my redneck neighborhood.

One big MF buck butted my nephews truck and came in thru the driver’s side window with his rack. The guess is he saw his reflection in the car window and went for blood.

Further outside of town, folks just use a shotgun or pistol, give the taxidermist/meat dresser some good business, and end up with a nice supply of venison to share with family and friends. Sensible enough.

52. daveintexas - April 26, 2010

Curly: Hey Moe, see the deer?
Moe: Does the deer have any dough?
Curly: Yeah, two bucks! NYUK NYUK NYUK!

fin

53. Cathy - April 26, 2010

*just getting the not-so-good-news about Dave’s lovely daughter*

Sorry Dave, but glad to hear things are going to be okay for her…
and the ‘things’ that got messed up are not important, huh.

Tree-hugging types who think deer are sweet and kind don’t know the statistics that DEER KILL more human beings each year than any other animal in the WORLD.

While living in San Antonio, we had a doe run right out in front of our car and were blessed that it only did about $5K damage on the vehicle’s front, crack in the windshield and side fender. She could easily have bounced up onto the windshield, which could have instantly killed our son, who was sitting in the passenger seat. Instead, she bounced into the right passenger fender and onto the side of the road.

We had friends & neighbors who suffered a lot of auto and bodily damage over the years we lived in the hill-country just north of San Antonio. We also had family who were very seriously injured, and heard of other folks who died because of deer vs. auto accidents.

54. daveintexas - April 26, 2010

Fixing broken trucks is no big deal. Broken bodies on the other hand.

Thanks.

55. compos mentis - April 26, 2010

The one time I hit a deer, I had been going 10 mph. Driving down a back road, I see two of ’em sauntering up to the edge a ways up. I figure they’ll see me. It’s broad freakin’ daylight and the car I was driving wasn’t electric or balloon powered, so I knew they’d hear me too. I slowed down. I remember thinking, “I ain’t stopping. If they’re too stupid not to take note, screw ’em.” The first one just continues to lolligag across the road. The follower got broad-sided and knocked on it’s ass like a free safety on a receiver going across the middle. No damage to the car and the deer got up and ran toward the chiropractor in the woods.

Glad your baby’s okay, Dave.

56. Chiropractor in the Woods - April 26, 2010

At least someone understands I gotta make a livin.

57. Michael - April 26, 2010

Huh. I just noticed that we’ve gotten over a thousand hits already today on The Four Chord Song, most coming from Stumbleupon. Looks like that video is taking off.

*pats self on back*

58. Michael - April 26, 2010

Holy sh*t! Ten minutes later and it’s over 1,800 hits. I’ve never seen traffic come in that fast.

59. daveintexas - April 26, 2010

Thanks Compos.

Hey, Chiropractor in the Woods.. I need an adjustment please.

Michael - April 26, 2010

Dave, what are you trying to get her to “adjust”?

60. Retired Geezer - April 26, 2010

We almost hit a deer going 70, while passing another car at night.

When we got to the nearest Sporting Goods store, i bought some Deer Whistles to stick on the bumper.

They might even work.

61. Michael - April 26, 2010

Four Chord Song got over 4,000 hits, mostly between 4 and 5 CDT, mostly from Stumbleupon. It’s over now. Never seen a one-hour spike with traffic that concentrated before.

62. daveintexas - April 26, 2010

>> Dave, what are you trying to get her to “adjust”?

Michael, ixnay on the at-whay. Ork-day.

63. Mrs. Peel - April 26, 2010

So, no one is going to comment on the totally gay music video I posted at 28?

64. daveintexas - April 26, 2010

It’s very gay.

65. Michael - April 26, 2010

So, no one is going to comment on the totally gay music video I posted at 28?

Yes, it’s very gay.

For those of you who don’t speak German, “küssen verboten” in the refrain means “kissing forbidden,” so Mrs. Peel was actually on topic with that video.

Also, it’s a good example of how English is mostly a Germanic language.

66. Lipstick - April 26, 2010

I didn’t watch it, Peelie. Mr. L. has issued me headphones so that when I play Brazilian music he doesn’t have to hear it.

This has cut down on the video viewing as I now have to untangle the headphones from various items on my desk when I want to use them. Kindle, nail clippers, reading glasses, Chap Stick, etc. I’m lazy.

67. Michael - April 26, 2010

Man, I can understand about 15% of the lyrics of that stupid song, and they are singing a perfectly clear non-dialectal form of German.

There was a time, 40 years ago, when I could dream in German after having been part of a summer foreign exchange program. But that was the last time I used German, except for a couple of business trips where I could start getting it back.

Still, I will never regret learning a foreign language. It used to be required if you wanted to earn a college degree, and for good reason. They used to force Latin down your throat, and there was a method to the madness. It is impossible to really know English, your native tongue, unless you know another language. It’s amazing how learning another language stretches your mind.

Here in Texas, so many of the humblest people are multilingual. They speak English, Spanish, and Spanglish (which is the Texas version of creole). It’s awesome, and I respect that skill.

68. Michael - April 26, 2010

You see the same thing in Belize, by the way. The only official language is English, but most of the population is bilingual or trilingual. They speak English, Belizean Creole, Spanish, Garifuna (an African slave dialect), Mayan dialects, and Low German (many Amish in Belize).

You can get around just fine with American English. Pretty much everyone can understand you.

69. Lipstick - April 26, 2010

If I had a child, I would try to make them learn another language well. But I would also insist on a year of French. Say what you will about the French (and I do), it’s still important to be able to recognize a phrase or reference when reading books and menus.

70. Lipstick - April 26, 2010

There are Amish in Belize?! I didn’t know that — how did they come to be there?

71. Michael - April 26, 2010

I didn’t know that — how did they come to be there?

Cheap land. The Amish are always sharp about finding cheap land to farm. It’s strange to see them there, in a totally tropical setting where everyone else is dressed in shorts, a T-shirt, and flip flops, and they are wearing the traditional Amish clothing and driving their horses and buggies.

72. Mrs. Peel - April 26, 2010

I concur – you don’t really know your own language until you’ve learned another.

There are a couple other Kuessen Verboten vids on youtube, some with the lyrics transcribed. I can still understand most of it. It’s hard for me to pick out the lyrics from the song, though.

*smack smack*

73. Mrs. Peel - April 26, 2010

The rest of the refrain means something like “Although people who have seen me never believe it, kissing me is not allowed.”

One of the things I’m going to do with my free time when I finish my friggin’ master’s is relearn German. I figure if I spend thirty minutes a day reading Der Spiegel or German-language blogs or something, I should be able to recall at least some of my old knowledge.

stinkin’ master’s *kicks dog*

74. Michael - April 26, 2010

The largest Amish community on the planet is in Holmes County, Ohio, not far from Columbus. They are thriving. It’s interesting to drive around there and see all the farm houses with no electrical lines. There is electricity and telephone service at the road on a pole line, but no drops to the house. The houses mostly look like they need a new coat of paint. That is deliberate. The Amish want to look “plain,” and painting your house too often is considered an affectation.

They use electricity for work, like in a sawmill to make lumber for their furniture, and they sell the bestest food. Cheeses, sausages and pies to die for.

The Amish do not maintain that their funny clothes with no zippers, their shunning of the internal combustion engine, and their rustic ways of making a living, are some divinely ordained edict.

They just think they are making lifestyle choices, like working with animals, that bring them closer to God and keep their families together. I have a lot of respect for them.

75. Lipstick - April 26, 2010

Very interesting, thanks Michael.

76. Michael - April 26, 2010

I remember seeing some little Amish kid, riding on a plow behind a horse after school, tilling the family’s land. It was oddly touching.

77. Michael - April 26, 2010

f I had a child, I would try to make them learn another language well. But I would also insist on a year of French.

Actually, I had a couple years of French, and I barely escaped without becoming homosexual. I’m glad you don’t have kids.

78. Michael - April 26, 2010

It actually helped me out when we were in France, because I could pronounce shit that I was reading out of the phrasebook we bought at the airport. Of course, this was all just a farce, because the French just pretend not to understand English, because they are assholes.

79. Michael - April 26, 2010

OK, that was not fair. We were in rural areas of southern France where they really do not speak English, so I had to speak French.

They were actually very nice and friendly people.

By all accounts, the assholes are in Paris, but I still have never been there. Go figure.

80. Cathy - April 26, 2010

By all accounts, the assholes are in Paris…

…which makes for crowded & smelly toilets.

81. Michael - April 26, 2010

I have actually had a lifelong hatred of the French, starting with Charles de Gaulle being a total asshole when I was a kid, so it was a disconcerting experience to go there and meet a lot of nice people.

82. Michael - April 26, 2010

When I went to France (we drove up the Costa Brava from Spain), I was ready to fight. This was a younger version of me. I was all prepared to talk smack to someone who gave me shit in a bar because I am American, and I was going to yell out: “Your mom would have been fucked by a Nazi and you would be speaking German right now if it weren’t for us Americans!!!”

Didn’t happen. Everyone was nice to us.

83. Mrs. Peel - April 26, 2010

Well, the Parisians were rude to ME. I got ogled constantly (and I was NOT dressed remotely attractively), had a guy try to cheat me of 100 francs when cashing a traveler’s check, and got physically sexually harassed for the first and thus far only time in my life. It was not a positive experience. I did get to go to the Louvre and the Musee d’Orsay, though, so there’s that.

84. Michael - April 26, 2010

and got physically sexually harassed for the first and thus far only time in my life

Are you frickin’ kidding me?

I’ve seen you, and you should not have to travel to France to get sexually harassed.

Dang, the pussification of American men has progressed further than I thought.

85. sandy burger - April 27, 2010

I was recently camping, and the five second rule was in full effect. In the woods, what doesn’t brush off is just “seasoning”.

But in some situations you need to be more restrictive. For example, in public restrooms it’s two seconds. Three, tops. Otherwise… ewwww.

86. Sobek - April 27, 2010

Mrs. Peel, I remember that song from German class. Yeah, it’s pretty gay. I like “Gabi und Klaus” by the same homos:

87. Sobek - April 27, 2010

Now I’ll try to attempt the impossible: de-escalate the gayness of this thread without decreasing the European-ness (most scientists believe this is impossible).

Now I’m cheating a little bit, here. That Die Prinzen song was from the eighties, and the Litfiba was late 90s. The combination of German, pink hair and the 1980s can create a vortex of homosexuality strong enough to destroy entire city blocks if not contained.

Still, what an odd twist of fate that the Germans are far more effeminate and limp-wristed than the Italians.

88. lauraw - April 27, 2010

My buddy’s father lives near Amish. Very, very near. The two guys closest by are always getting car rides off him (they do give him some cash for it), and they had a phone line installed in his barn under his name that he pays for and they reimburse him.

89. Dave in Texas - April 27, 2010

I got my ass kicked by a buncha Ohio Amish a few years ago.

When those bastards start rollin you best watch yourself.

90. The Ohio Amish - April 27, 2010

When thou talkest thy talk, thou should expect to walkest thy walk, Mister Texas. Thou shouldst know not to let thy shadow fall into our community ever again.

91. Dave in Texas - April 27, 2010

It’s cool, I only needed to bang your sister that one time.

92. skinbad - April 27, 2010

You never had your hands on a teat before?

Not one this big.

93. Mrs. Peel - April 27, 2010

Sobek, I’m not sure those guys can get any gayer…

94. Lipstick - April 27, 2010

Oh my gosh. I just had my first sopapilla. How have I lived these (mumble) years without having these in my life?

Sopapilla, where have you been all my life?

Sopapilla, Sopapilla, Pedro made you,
I so love the pastry with the honey glaaaze. . .

(To the tune of “Mona Lisa”)

95. Sobek - April 27, 2010

“I’m not sure those guys can get any gayer…”

Wait, do any of them play the clarinet?

96. Cathy - April 27, 2010

Lipstick, glad you finally got one of ’em in your mouth.

Did you drizzle honey all over it? Cinnamon & sugar? Ice cream?

*mouth waters*heads for kitchen*grabs fresh box of Girl Scout Cookies*

*nom-nom-nom-nom-nom*

97. wiserbud - April 28, 2010

Wait, do any of them play the clarinet?

See, it’s just this kind of mean-spirited comment that keeps me at the Hostages.

98. BrewFan - April 28, 2010

What wiserbud said: “See, it’s just this kind of mean-spirited comment that keeps me at the Hostages.”

What wiserbud meant: “Damn! Why didn’t I think of that!”

99. wiserbud - April 28, 2010

I would never call a clarinet player “gay.” What most people don’t get is that most clarinet players are women.

So where, as a straight guy, would you prefer to sit? Between a couple of sweaty guys playing trumpet or a surrounded by beautiful women making sweet, sweet music with their nice, tight embouchures?

100. geoff - April 28, 2010

I would never call a clarinet player “gay.” What most people don’t get is that most clarinet players are women.

Yes, in fact in some sense or other, all of them are.

So where, as a straight guy, would you prefer to sit?

I would prefer to stand in the lead trumpet’s spot, flanked by my minions and laying down the law to the rest of the band. Like always.

101. wiserbud - April 28, 2010

I would prefer to stand in the lead trumpet’s spot, flanked by my minions and laying down the law to the rest of the band.

gay.

102. Michael - April 28, 2010

The instrument I really wanted to play was a saxophone. Coolest instrument ever. I read somewhere that it is the instrument which is most capable of closely approximating a human voice.

Parents could not afford it, and we got talked into “starting” on a clarinet. Big mistake.

I was not going to let that happen to my kids, both of whom played Selmer saxes with a band that placed in national competitions.

103. daveintexas - April 28, 2010

I don’t assume everyone who plays clarinet is gay. But I do play the odds.

104. Moe Lane » #rsrh This is somewhat specialized political humor… - May 7, 2010

[…] do happen to have the right combination of knowledge and interest it’s pretty darn funny.  A taste: 18 CFR §2301: Regulations Concerning the Consumability of Food Items Determined to Be on the […]


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: