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What Should Big Tex Say? September 24, 2010

Posted by daveintexas in Ducks, Economics, Entertainment, History, Man Laws, Religion, Sex, Sidebar Flag Bullshit, Technology, Terrorist Hemorrhoids.
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He’s been a fixture at the State Fair since ’52.  I remember being told like a million other kids “if we ever get separated, meet in front of Big Tex.”  I love the guy, but let’s face it, his social skills are pretty lame.

“Hoooooooooowdy foooolks!  Welllcome to the Greeeeeeeeeeeeat Staaaaaaaaate Faaaaaaair of Texxxxxxxxxas.”

Lame.

If I were in charge of the Big Tex script, I’d make changes this year.  Lighten up on the drawl, put in a few jokes.

“Hey, you! Yeah, you, in the Sooner jersey.  Pussy.”

“Honey, looks to me like them funnel cakes are goin straight to yore ass.”

“I got yer corn dog raht here.”

“Howdy folks.  Y’all here that car alarm goin off?  Probably hard to tell down there where you are, it’s comin from over that’away.”

 Hey baby, how YOU doin?

Comments»

1. kevl - September 24, 2010

His big barrel chest is so attractive!
Those jeans are looking ghey, however. Yeesh.

Dave, don’t you have a shirt JUST LIKE HIS?

2. geoff - September 24, 2010

Dave, don’t you have a shirt JUST LIKE HIS?

Just don’t ask about his jeans collection.

3. daveintexas - September 24, 2010

Very similar, but his is a size XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL

4. skinbad - September 24, 2010

Are you staring at mah Dickies?

These boots are made for flouncing.

5. Retired Geezer - September 24, 2010

Ferrets are a bundle of joy, wrapped in a fur coat.

(or something like that)

6. Blackiswhite, Imperial Consigliere - September 24, 2010

And here, I always imagined him saying “Go Home, Yankee.”

7. Cathy - September 24, 2010

Howdy. I’m Tex. And it’s Big.

*everything’s big in Texas*

8. Michael - September 24, 2010

“Dang, lady, I can see right down your blouse. Y’all don’t want them kids to see me with a boner.”

9. Cathy - September 24, 2010

Hey somebody get me a beer!

10. Retired Geezer - September 24, 2010

“I didn’t get this big by playing a gol-danged Clarinet”

11. daveintexas - September 24, 2010

“Ah gots me a headache THIIIIIIIIIIIIIS big”

12. skinbad - September 24, 2010

Stop. In the name of love.

13. geoff - September 24, 2010

“Please wait here while I check this guy’s balls.”

14. xbradtc - September 24, 2010

“No man-lesbians allowed”

15. sandy burger - September 24, 2010

“I’m taller than all of Dave’s banana trees combined.”

16. Lipstick - September 24, 2010

“I’m wearing Mom Jeans”

17. daveintexas - September 24, 2010

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

18. Lipstick - September 25, 2010

It does look like a ball cradling pose and geoff beat me to it.

19. Dave in Texas - September 25, 2010

YYYYYYY M C A!

20. Cathy - September 25, 2010

It does look like a ball cradling pose and geoff beat me to it.

Yea, but you, Lips, beat me to the Mom-Jeans thing. Good Funny, Lady!

21. wiserbud - September 25, 2010

HEY ROMO!! You think maybe you could complete a pass to me?

22. Michael - September 25, 2010

Wiser, that hurt. You know that Tony is my neighbor, and that really really hurt.

I have never done anything to hurt you like that. (OK, I admit that I tried to buy a date with your underage daughter when I was in Connecticut, but damn, she is hot. Give me a break.)

You owe me an apology. If you have any character whatsoever, you will man up and apologize to me.

Or buy me a beer. Same thing.

23. Michael - September 25, 2010

Hey, I just noticed that we have a new flag, as of yesterday.

Niue, Population: 1,398.

I have to admit, I did not know that Niue existed.

The latest member of the IB 1,000+ Flags Organization For Economic Cooperation and Development™ is the Ukraine.

24. Michael - September 25, 2010

We’re still getting snubbed by the Vatican.

Frickin’ Catholics.

25. skinbad - September 25, 2010

Hey, UCLA! How about the courtesy of a reach-around?

26. wiserbud - September 26, 2010

You owe me an apology. If you have any character whatsoever, you will man up and apologize to me.

notice the deafening silence……

We’re still getting snubbed by the Vatican.

Not us.

BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!

*sending xtra love to the Catholics for ignoring this heathen Lutheran blog.

27. Cathy - September 26, 2010

BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!

Can hear ya clean across to Texas.

Thanks. Love you too. Bunches.

28. wiserbud - September 26, 2010

Thanks. Love you too. Bunches.

aw, damn.

Now I done ticked off the sweetest person in the world.

IS IT MY FAULT SHE MARRIED MICHAEL????

29. lauraw - September 26, 2010

She knew the risks going in.

30. Lipstick - September 26, 2010

It is the life she chose.

31. Lipstick - September 26, 2010

has chosen

crap

32. Cathy - September 26, 2010

Marrying Michael is probably better than this!

33. daveintexas - September 26, 2010

I’m not convinced.

34. Lipstick - September 26, 2010

Poor ferrets. Hope they had some nuts for dinner.

35. Michael - September 26, 2010

She knew the risks going in.

NOT FAIR!!!

Look, you people don’t understand. Cathy is crazy. First she wanted children, then she wanted dogs. None of the children or the dogs were a significant contributor to the family economy. In fact, kids and dogs are a liability.

So, who is the crazy person? Cathy, that’s who. If you look at my 401k account, you will say, HEY, that would be bigger if it weren’t for kids and dogs.

I don’t need to listen to this shit.

36. Cathy - September 26, 2010

^ Actually the dog came first, then kids, and then more dogs. Originally I was hoping for about 10 kids. Dogs are cheaper.

Cooking from scratch, sewing, mending, keep house, laundry, yard work, upkeep, repairs. Michael got the bargain.

*whiner!*

37. Michael - September 26, 2010

The only good thing about kids and dogs is this — they kinda make you feel like a better person than you thought you were.

38. Cathy - September 26, 2010

The only good thing about kids and dogs is this — they kinda make you feel like a better person than you thought you were.

*guessin’ the spouse ends up doing the opposite*

39. wiserbud - September 26, 2010

get a room, you two….

sheesh.

40. Michael - September 26, 2010

*whiner!*

“Whiner”?

You’re actually calling me a “whiner”?!?

Look, Lady, Ima gonna set you down right here in front of my computer, fire up Quicken and 20 years of archived financial records, and show you the cost of the egg traffic in your Fallopian tubes.

Then you can call me a whiner.

41. Cathy - September 26, 2010

^Quick Draw McQuicken.

42. Michael - September 26, 2010

By the way, both our kids are planning to attend the Texas Moron Meet-Up, so you have the opportunity to view first-hand the results of all the money I squandered on them.

43. Michael - September 26, 2010

To tell the truth, I am very proud of my kids. I can clearly see that they both inherited their good looks and intelligence from me.

They also both inherited their mother’s ornery and contentious personality, but overall they are likable people.

44. wiserbud - September 26, 2010

^Quick Draw McQuicken.

Ya know, I’ve heard that about Michael.

Poor Cathy.

45. Michael - September 26, 2010

Ya know, I’ve heard that about Michael.

Poor Cathy.

Wiser, it’s only rubes like you who make fun of the so-called “premature ejaculation” issue.

Those of us who understand Six Sigma principles think of this as on-time, on-budget and efficient project execution.

46. lauraw - September 26, 2010

The only good thing about kids and dogs is this — they kinda make you feel like a better person than you thought you were.

That’s an amazing illusion! Do they do the ‘saw the lady in half’ thing? I love that one.

47. wiserbud - September 26, 2010

Those of us who understand Six Sigma principles think of this as on-time, on-budget and efficient project execution.

ugh. Anyone who uses the term “Six Sigma” seriously deserves to be beaten mercilessly with a green belt.

48. wiserbud - September 26, 2010

Do they do the ‘saw the lady in half’ thing? I love that one.

You think that’s cool, you should see them do the incredible “disappearing money” trick.

49. Lipstick - September 26, 2010

*munches popcorn

50. Lipstick's ferrets - September 26, 2010

*munches popcorn

*waits patiently for crumbs….

51. daveintexas - September 26, 2010

they do saw into your income.

boy howdy

52. Michael - September 26, 2010

Do they do the ‘saw the lady in half’ thing? I love that one.

You don’t fool me, Ms. Snarky McToughpants. You are a big ole shmoopsie-woopsie for dogs.

Anyone who uses the term “Six Sigma” seriously deserves to be beaten mercilessly with a green belt.

Preach it, brother.

Thus, my daily struggle to control a maniacal, homicidal rage as I attend project team meetings.

That’s not the worst.

People who use PowerPoint to create a slide deck of bullet points that they will read to you for 45 minutes should be summarily dragged by the hair to the parking lot, bludgeoned with a tire iron until their brains are mush, and tossed into the dumpster until their lifeless, bloated and decayed body is reported the police.

That’s just my personal opinion.

53. Michael - September 26, 2010

Also, engineers and project managers who use Excel to create an ordinary memo or agenda should be dragged by the hair to the parking lot, have their gut sliced open with a dull knife, be eviscerated until all their guts are splayed across the asphalt, then doused with gasoline and set on fire.

My perspective. No big deal.

54. daveintexas - September 26, 2010

You’re so dumb Michael. I want to help you but it makes my brain hurt.

55. Lipstick - September 26, 2010

The ferrets are not interested in popcorn crumbs. They are obligate carnivores.

Must nom animal flesh. (Or kibble made from that)

*Sophie bites anon commenter*

56. Michael - September 26, 2010

I want to help you but it makes my brain hurt.

Meaning, you are a typical Baptist.

Thanks a lot.

57. Lipstick - September 26, 2010

Sophie is my biter, but I’ve pretty much cured her by dumping water on her when she does that.

58. daveintexas - September 26, 2010

>> Thanks a lot.

Peace be with you numbskull.

59. Michael - September 26, 2010

>>Peace be with you numbskull.

And also with you, dorkwad.

60. lauraw - September 26, 2010

You don’t fool me, Ms. Snarky McToughpants.

*shoots Michael in the chest with a gun that shoots porcupines*

61. Cathy - September 26, 2010

@ #52 & #53

*Sumbunny needs a vacation*

*…or to be a contestant on ‘Survivor’

62. Michael - September 26, 2010

[For those of you who did not understand #58 and #59, exchanging the “Peace of the Lord” is sorta an obligatory ritual amongst Christians. If somebody offers you the peace, you gotta say it back.]

63. wiserbud - September 26, 2010

Thus, my daily struggle to control a maniacal, homicidal rage as I attend project team meetings.

I was told that one of the reasons I was “not well liked” at my previous place of employment was that it was extremely obvious I did not like sitting through the weekly, hours-long meetings.

Ummmmmmm, d’uh?

Who does?

64. Lipstick - September 26, 2010

Ahhhh, the peace process has worked.

But seriously, what do you guys and gals think about the “Palestinian” demand to get part of Jerusalem for their own?

I say “Hell no”.

65. wiserbud - September 26, 2010

If somebody offers you the peace, you gotta say it back.

‘k.

Good thing no one’s ever done that to me.

66. Michael - September 26, 2010

Good thing no one’s ever done that to me.

Oh really?

May the peace of the Lord be with you, Wiser.

(We actually think that saying this is sorta magical.)

67. wiserbud - September 26, 2010

May the peace of the Lord be with you, Wiser.

Thanks. You’re a really nice guy.

🙂

68. lauraw - September 26, 2010

Hold up, I gotta try something. Just had an idea and have to try it right this second.

*loads several heads of lettuce and a two liter bottle of Pepsi into porcupine gun*

This could be AWESOME. And great at meetings, too.

*aims at completely random spot in the center of wiserbud’s forehead*

69. lauraw - September 26, 2010

Ok, g’night folks. Time to make teh sleep.

70. wiserbud - September 26, 2010

*aims at completely random spot in the center of wiserbud’s forehead*

There are quite a few of those available……

71. Lipstick - September 26, 2010

Night Laura.

I’m eating candy corn.

None of those little bastards in the neighborhood will get any, of course.

MINE MINE!

72. skinbad - September 26, 2010

I don’t think Big Tex can say all this.

73. wiserbud - September 26, 2010

MINE MINE!

heh.

They started selling Halloween candy here before Labor Day.

Like all that candy was gonna make it to Oct. 31.

74. Michael - September 26, 2010

>>>Thanks. You’re a really nice guy.

Erm, you are doing it wrong.

You are supposed to say, “and also with you.”

Dumbass.

See, here is the wacky thing about Christians. We think that we can call God down from heaven, and get His attention, if we do what He says. Like baptizing people, taking Communion, reading His Word, praying, and confessing our sins.

And exchanging the peace of the Lord.

It’s just what He said to do. This ain’t rocket science. We got the manual, and it’s pretty specific.

75. wiserbud - September 26, 2010

You are supposed to say, “and also with you.”

Dumbass.

oops.

and confessing our sins.

Does God really have that much free time?

76. Lipstick - September 26, 2010

They started selling Halloween candy here before Labor Day.

Like all that candy was gonna make it to Oct. 31.

YEAH! End of August out it came. I still have a bag of jelly beans from Easter.

77. Michael - September 26, 2010

Does God really have that much free time?

No, God does not have that much free time.

According to the Bible, He is outside of time. That’s different than free time.

78. wiserbud - September 26, 2010

According to the Bible, He is outside of time. That’s different than free time.

I wonder if God ever listens and says to himself “blah, blah, blah, yeah, yeah, heard it before….”

79. wiserbud - September 26, 2010

I can picture God doing that “blah, blah, blah” thing with His hand….

80. wiserbud - September 26, 2010

I still have a bag of jelly beans from Easter.

I still have candy from last Halloween.

I think I may give that out this year.

81. Michael - September 26, 2010

I can picture God doing that “blah, blah, blah” thing with His hand….

I can’t.

That’s just not gonna happen if God bumps into a penitent sinner.

82. wiserbud - September 26, 2010

That’s just not gonna happen if God bumps into a penitent sinner.

So, if I read you correctly, God has infinite patience.

Nice.

83. Anonymous - September 26, 2010

So, if I read you correctly, God has infinite patience.

No.

God has no tolerance for sin, and the day of judgment is coming. According to Scripture, you are a jar of clay being filled with the wrath of God, and in the end, you will get what you deserve. Which is not a happy thought.

Unless, of course, you cling to the cross of Jesus as your excuse for a free pass from Hell. That is what God promises. Hey, if that’s true, it sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

How do you know if that promise is true?

Do some research on every promise (and threat) which God made with Israel.

I’m not just talking about the Bible. I’m talking about archeology. I’ve been to Israel, and there are archeological digs all over the place. It amazes me how these digs keep confirming the biblical record.

The message is pretty clear. God delivers on His word.

84. wiserbud - September 26, 2010

Unless, of course, you cling to the cross of Jesus as your excuse for a free pass from Hell.

uh oh.

So, (and please correct me here if I’m wrong) what you’re saying is, if I’m… say… Jewish, I’m basically screwed?

Damn.

in the end, you will get what you deserve.

oh. Well then…..

*whew

Michael - September 26, 2010

So, (and please correct me here if I’m wrong) what you’re saying is, if I’m… say… Jewish, I’m basically screwed?

Damn.

St. Paul actually gets kinda mystical about the Jews in the Book of Romans. Hard to say for sure what their status is.

85. wiserbud - September 26, 2010

Hard to say for sure what their status is.

But, in their hearts, they are good.

God’s gotta give ’em some credit for that, right?

86. lauraw - September 27, 2010

Hey you know what’s good? Apple crisp. Warm. Cheddar.

Think about it.

87. geoff - September 27, 2010

lw ==> oil upon troubled waters

88. Dave in Texas - September 27, 2010

apple crisp cooked with a balm from Gilead.

89. xbradtc - September 27, 2010

-and confessing our sins.

-Does God really have that much free time?

I usually hit the high points with bullet points in the powerpoint presentation, then email him the complete list in an excel spreadsheet.

90. xbradtc - September 27, 2010

If a Jew keeps the covenant with God, they are good. But the whole point of Jesus was to point out that Jews weren’t keeping the covenant. Hence the NEW Covenant. Simpler and easier.

The wages of sin are death, and God is doing everything he can to put redemption within reach of you. Ask and ye shall receive, knock and the door shall open…

91. daveintexas - September 27, 2010

There are numerous scriptures (mostly the prophets) where God promises He will preserve them, regardless of their many turnings from Him.

He has always called them “His people”. I think He takes it personally, so I don’t fool with it.

92. wiserbud - September 27, 2010

I usually hit the high points with bullet points in the powerpoint presentation, then email him the complete list in an excel spreadsheet.

I would imagine that God is quite pleased with this sort of “out-of-the-box” thinking and appreciation for another’s time.

Nicely done, Xbrad

93. Michael - September 27, 2010

If there is a “Sinner’s Hall of Fame” in heaven, I pretty sure that Xbrad is in it.

94. Cathy - September 27, 2010

Announcing…

PattyAnn’s Muddler and Cyn’s pencils have arrived.

*Thank you, Lauraw for shipping above items.*

95. lauraw - September 27, 2010

Awesome.

The ciiiiiircle of liiiiiiife…. 😀

96. lauraw - September 27, 2010

That is a kickass muddler.

The lime pieces don’t slip away, because of the little grippy nubs. And it’s heavy enough to really squash them good. Doesn’t bend like a cheap plastic jobber.

And it cleans up all sanitary in the dishwasher like a breeze, unlike wooden utensils.

It is proof that PattyAnn is a benevolent Goddess who loves us and wants us to be happy.

97. Retired Geezer - September 28, 2010

A friend of mine wants to know if the Porcupine Gun ™ is Dishwasher Safe.

98. lauraw - September 28, 2010

Sure Geez, just make absolutely sure it’s unloaded.

99. Cathy - September 28, 2010

*puts limes on shopping list*

100. Lipstick - September 28, 2010

Caipirinhas are so delicious.

True story, two of my best friends, more like family now after 32 years, grew up in Brazil and introduced me to this exquisite drink.

But I pronounce it the way they do: Cai-pee-deen-ya. It’s all I’ve ever known!

But I still feel like an elitist putz when ordering it. “You mean ca-pee-reen-a?”


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