Have a Plan

I was cleaning out some drawers last week, and I came across a piece of note paper I wrote on a few years ago, shortly before the very first IB Super Bowl Party/Shooting Spree.  It took me a little while to remember the significance of the list, but today it all came back to me.

I’m not sure who originally said this, but Maj. Gen. James Mattis reportedly tells his men “Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.”  Well I was pretty sure I was in for a good time when I went to that first IB party, and to all the subsequent Moron Meet-Ups I’ve attended, but still, good advice is good advice, right?

So no hard feelings guys, and please realize this post is for the sake of posterity and encouraging others the value of planning ahead.  But here are some of my thoughts for if it had gotten real.  Naturally, some people are relatively easy to plan for.  Cathy?  Smother her with a pillow.  KevlarChick?  Run her down with a Ford F-150, preferably with a snowplow attached to the front, if one is available.  Michael?  Tell him there’s a scratch-n-sniff sticker on the bottom of his swimming pool.  But others of you required a bit more … strategery.

1.  Retired Geezer:  Definitely one of the trickier ones.  I mean, the guy’s probably well over a thousand years old anyway, so there’s something supernatural going on there.  So I went with locking him in a safe and throwing it into the sea.  That way, even if I don’t kill him I still neutralize the threat.

2.  LauraW: Easy.  Lure her into the catacombs under my house by telling her I have some Amontillado I want her to sample.  When she hesitates, tell her she’s right, and that Lipstick is better at tasting wine anyway.  When LauraW insists that Lipstick can’t tell Amontillado from Sherry (oooh, snap!), I lead her into the catacombs, chain her to the wall, and brick her into a silent tomb.  You can probably tell I already had that planned out long before I went to the first IB party.

3.  Russ from Winterset: Tray full of poison bacon.

4.  Dave in Texas: Gunshot.  Too simple?  It will be with his own Kimber.  And my grouping will be better than his, too.

5.  Skinbad: Holy water.  Turns out that works really well on Mormons.  But there’s a twist to this one.  Once he’s done twitching and hissing, I need to hide the evidence, and I took the precaution of recruiting some co-conspirators with shovels.  That’s right: I got some ducks to bury Skinbad.

6.  BrewFan:  Convince him that he was predestined to take his own life.  Heh, stupid Calvinists.

7. Lipstick: I admit this one would take a lot of prep work, but the results should be good.  First, plant a giant bean that grows into a gigantic beanstalk.  Then, climb the beanstalk and build a castle in the clouds.  Next, convince Lipstick to move into the castle.  This should be relatively easy, because Las Vegas residents apparently can be talked into making some really, really stupid real estate deals.  Then I climb up the beanstalk again and steal something valuable to her, like the cage she keeps her ferrets in.  When she chases me down the beanstalk, I chop it down with an axe that I hid nearby for that very purpose.  Again, there’s a lot of prep work involved in this one, and as it turned out, I only got the foundation poured and part of the framing done for the castle, somewhere in the skies over Columbus, OH before the party started, and then she didn’t show up anyway.  What I’m saying is, I’m open to suggested alternatives in the comments.

8.  Pupster: Put a bomb in his car, with instructions telling him to cut the blue wire.  That’ll teach you to be color-blind!!!

9.  Tushar:  Who am I kidding?  If I kill him, he’ll come back as something even more deadly, like a tarantula, or a liter of drain cleaner disguised as a jug of milk, or a cow with a flamethrower.  No thanks.

My list kind of broke off at that point because I started doodling a catapult that launches Trojan Bunnies, but with, like, land-mines inside instead of Greeks.  Ka-BOOM!  It was pretty sweet.