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Have a Plan August 25, 2011

Posted by Sobek in Personal Experiences.
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I was cleaning out some drawers last week, and I came across a piece of note paper I wrote on a few years ago, shortly before the very first IB Super Bowl Party/Shooting Spree.  It took me a little while to remember the significance of the list, but today it all came back to me.

I’m not sure who originally said this, but Maj. Gen. James Mattis reportedly tells his men “Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.”  Well I was pretty sure I was in for a good time when I went to that first IB party, and to all the subsequent Moron Meet-Ups I’ve attended, but still, good advice is good advice, right?

So no hard feelings guys, and please realize this post is for the sake of posterity and encouraging others the value of planning ahead.  But here are some of my thoughts for if it had gotten real.  Naturally, some people are relatively easy to plan for.  Cathy?  Smother her with a pillow.  KevlarChick?  Run her down with a Ford F-150, preferably with a snowplow attached to the front, if one is available.  Michael?  Tell him there’s a scratch-n-sniff sticker on the bottom of his swimming pool.  But others of you required a bit more … strategery.

1.  Retired Geezer:  Definitely one of the trickier ones.  I mean, the guy’s probably well over a thousand years old anyway, so there’s something supernatural going on there.  So I went with locking him in a safe and throwing it into the sea.  That way, even if I don’t kill him I still neutralize the threat.

2.  LauraW: Easy.  Lure her into the catacombs under my house by telling her I have some Amontillado I want her to sample.  When she hesitates, tell her she’s right, and that Lipstick is better at tasting wine anyway.  When LauraW insists that Lipstick can’t tell Amontillado from Sherry (oooh, snap!), I lead her into the catacombs, chain her to the wall, and brick her into a silent tomb.  You can probably tell I already had that planned out long before I went to the first IB party.

3.  Russ from Winterset: Tray full of poison bacon.

4.  Dave in Texas: Gunshot.  Too simple?  It will be with his own Kimber.  And my grouping will be better than his, too.

5.  Skinbad: Holy water.  Turns out that works really well on Mormons.  But there’s a twist to this one.  Once he’s done twitching and hissing, I need to hide the evidence, and I took the precaution of recruiting some co-conspirators with shovels.  That’s right: I got some ducks to bury Skinbad.

6.  BrewFan:  Convince him that he was predestined to take his own life.  Heh, stupid Calvinists.

7. Lipstick: I admit this one would take a lot of prep work, but the results should be good.  First, plant a giant bean that grows into a gigantic beanstalk.  Then, climb the beanstalk and build a castle in the clouds.  Next, convince Lipstick to move into the castle.  This should be relatively easy, because Las Vegas residents apparently can be talked into making some really, really stupid real estate deals.  Then I climb up the beanstalk again and steal something valuable to her, like the cage she keeps her ferrets in.  When she chases me down the beanstalk, I chop it down with an axe that I hid nearby for that very purpose.  Again, there’s a lot of prep work involved in this one, and as it turned out, I only got the foundation poured and part of the framing done for the castle, somewhere in the skies over Columbus, OH before the party started, and then she didn’t show up anyway.  What I’m saying is, I’m open to suggested alternatives in the comments.

8.  Pupster: Put a bomb in his car, with instructions telling him to cut the blue wire.  That’ll teach you to be color-blind!!!

9.  Tushar:  Who am I kidding?  If I kill him, he’ll come back as something even more deadly, like a tarantula, or a liter of drain cleaner disguised as a jug of milk, or a cow with a flamethrower.  No thanks.

My list kind of broke off at that point because I started doodling a catapult that launches Trojan Bunnies, but with, like, land-mines inside instead of Greeks.  Ka-BOOM!  It was pretty sweet.

Comments

1. Sobek - August 25, 2011

I should point out that I made this list before I knew any of the Hostages, so obviously I need to update it. Is there any way to make “posting dumb crap on the internet” lethal?

2. Jewel - August 25, 2011

Boy, am I ever so grateful that I don’t surface on your radar.

3. BrewFan - August 25, 2011

5 points about #6:
Totally depraved,
Unfortunate,
Lethal,
Ingenius,
Painful

4. daveintexas - August 25, 2011

Heck, I was just gonna set your hair on fire Sobek, hand you a water tumbler full of vodka, and hold out a sharp stick for you to run into.

5. Michael - August 25, 2011

Damn good thing Casey was there to keep an eye on you people.

6. Russ from Winterset - August 25, 2011

Silly Croc: The only way to kill Dave is to hand him a bag full of power tools and tell him that there’s a big project out in the back yard.

And Michael? Tell him that the pissed-off tiger from the Sigfried & Roy show has some legal exposure on an assault case and needs to be deposed for an upcoming civil suit. He’ll walk right into that one.

7. wiserbud - August 25, 2011

My plan for Dave is to drown him.

I figure if he’s gonna meet me halfway anyway….

8. Retired Geezer - August 25, 2011

So I went with locking him in a safe and throwing it into the sea.

*sandpapers finger tips*

9. skinbad - August 25, 2011

A little duct tape around Sobek’s snout to neutralize, then a quick trip to the tannery/shoemaker. A six-foot croc should be enough to get a nice pair of pumps for Lipstick.

10. LC Aggie Sith - August 25, 2011

Wow, this is probably the best how-to/ honey-do list evah!

*thankful to be a lurker*

11. lauraw - August 25, 2011

Oh yeah! We had that whole cask of Amontillado/ catacombs/ entombment talk, years ago. I remember that.

12. Russ from Winterset - August 25, 2011

Actually, doing in Sobek would involve a film crew from the History Channel and a bunch of cajuns in flatbottom boats with chicken parts on treble hooks.

And Trojan Bunnies filled with land mines launched by catapualt? Not a good idea.

1. Bunnies are not very aerodynamic. Badgers would be better.

2. The dynamic shock from a catapault launch might set off the landmines. A trebuchet would give you as much distance with less initial shock, plus the high trajectory from a treb would insure that you clear the walls.

3. While you’re assembling that cat/treb, you’ll be vulnerable to flying livestock.

13. skinbad - August 25, 2011

Also, Sobek forgot to put the ball-punch on Russ.

I believe WP actually was talking about how he could kill everyone in the room if it was necessary–ONLY if it was necessary, mind you.

I kept the armed Geezers between me and him the rest of the day.

14. Michael - August 25, 2011

I’ve never felt even slightly insecure with morons.

The only people who were insecure were Andy and Wiserbud debating the Cover Song Theory and graphing their points on the brick wall outside.

They were this close

*holds thumb and forefinger real close*

. . . to getting decapitated, disemboweled, dismembered, stuffed into garbage bags, and thrown off the Eads Bridge into the Mississippi. Rosetta, Laura, Dave and I were all covertly stealing knives and garbage bags from the kitchen to arm everyone.

15. Michael - August 25, 2011

Unfortunately, they stopped arguing and everybody except Laura kinda chickened out on the plan.

So, it was just a great party, but nothing really special.

Laura was disappointed in us. She didn’t say so, but I could see the contempt in her eyes.

16. Russ from Winterset - August 25, 2011

Yeah, the famous “Iowa voted for Huckabee in the caucus” ball punch.

*remembers how Nevada nominated Sharon Angle in the last cycle, and plots how to attach lance tipped with a boxing glove to the grille of a ’73 Plymouth Satellite for The Nut Punch to Top All Nut Punches*

17. Pupster - August 25, 2011
18. Mrs. Sobek - August 25, 2011

Russ: HA! But I wasn’t living in Nevada at the time, so … um, maybe I shouldn’t tell you where I live now, actually. Texas. Let’s say I live in Texas.

Skinbad: Mrs. Sobek mentioned the ball punch, but I pointed out that he would be expecting that. That’s why I went with the poisoned bacon, because there’s no way Russ can resist bacon, and even if someone specifically told him “Russ, that bacon contains very large amounts of lethal poison,” I’m still not sure he wouldn’t eat it. So, much better plan.

Russ: Next time I’m in Iowa, I’m bringing my toolbox and some landmines. You’re in charge of lumber and trebuchet schematics. Let’s do this thing.

Brew: Your tulip was pretty funny, and I’m dumb enough that I didn’t get it until the second read-through.

19. Sobek - August 25, 2011

Oops, preceding was me.

20. Mrs. Sobek - August 25, 2011

I really don’t know what’s wrong with my husband. On second thought, maybe it’s his friends…err…potential victims.

21. Retired Geezer - August 25, 2011

Bacon = Weapon of War:

Bacon Defeated the Nazis

On the other hand, Johnson said that doing the show gave him even more respect for bacon — not that he needed any more.

“During World War II, people could turn in their bacon grease in exchange for food coupons,” he said. “The government would take the bacon grease and turn it into explosives. That’s because bacon contains glycerol, which becomes nitroglycerine and TNT. So Bacon defeated the Nazis.”

22. mesablue - August 26, 2011

Batman — hide the bourbon.

WP — hide everything. And everyone.

Russ — hide from the U-haul filled with ordnance.

Kevlar — don’t hide, but mention the boldness of showing up in a Bengal’s jersey. Then hide.

Mrs, Winterset — make repeated references to the movie Aliens — hide from U-haul some more.

I keed. Only pregnant person at the shoot em up that I recall, that’s good stuff.

Russ part deaux — don’t sleep outside his bedroom door. I still wake up crying.

Geezer — don’t sleep around him — ever.

Sobeks — just hide. Their targeting skills combined are too much lead downrange…

23. fenris badwulf - August 26, 2011

Did you take into consideration that one (or more) of these people will just reform, the parts reanimate, and rise up, zombie like?

You really do not know what you are dealing with on the internet.

24. Russ from Winterset - August 26, 2011

Well, sleeping on the floor DID give Bandit the Wonderdog someone to cuddle up with, right?

25. Retired Geezer - August 26, 2011

Geezer — don’t sleep around him — ever.

You only say that because you caught me trying to paint WP’s toenails.

26. Retired Geezer - August 26, 2011

In related news, DOJ can seize your instrument.

Gibson Guitar Factory Raided. You should read the whole thing.

27. lauraw - August 26, 2011

Last sentence:
art makes claims significant enough to compete with environmentalists’ agendas.

Unlike keeping people employed so they can support their children, or producing food, etc., which are much less significant claims than some artists’ need for a tiny piece of ivory on their guitar.

DICK.

28. Cathy - August 26, 2011

Geezer, I heard about the Gibson raid. What bugged me most is that this is not the first time they have been badgered, but it was unclear to me whether they have ever been ‘found guilty’ of anything.

Stinks of Agenda 21 and ICLEI shit. Don’t know about it… Might wanna check into it. Obie will be long gone but “think globally… act locally” is getting written into governments and administrative crap at all levels and is gonna be very difficult to overturn.

*smothered with a pillow, huh?*

29. Retired Geezer - August 26, 2011

art makes claims significant enough to compete with environmentalists’ hypocritical agendas.

FIFY

30. Cathy - August 26, 2011

@ #28

I should have said… If you don’t know about it… Might wanna check into it.

31. wiserbud - August 26, 2011

“Surprisingly, musicians, who represent some of the most savvy, ecologically minded people around, are resistant to anything about changing the tone of their guitars,” he said.

huh. why yes, that is quite the surprise indeed.

Oh well, off to replace all of my light bulbs with hazardous, mercury-filled pieces of crap, so that these art-filled musicians can continue sharing their incredibly important art by staging incredibly important light shows at their incredibly important concerts, before jetting around the globe to stage their incredibly important concerts for the rest of us meaningless, lowlife scum.

Oh, and “savvy?”

Kiss my ass. As Alice Cooper said, “If you’re listening to a rock star in order to get your information on who to vote for, you’re a bigger moron than they are. “

32. Cathy - August 26, 2011

Always love when Wisenheimer shows up and dumps!

*hugs Wiser*

33. wiserbud - August 26, 2011

hugs back, darling!

34. Cathy - August 26, 2011

hugs back, darling!

Awwww!

35. wiserbud - August 26, 2011

correction:

“YOU TOLERATE ME!! YOU REALLY, REALLY TOLERATE ME!!!”

36. Retired Geezer - August 26, 2011

YOU REALLY, REALLY TOLERATE ME!!!”

I just want to have your babies.

37. Tushar - August 26, 2011

If Sobek comes after me, I will have to shed my human form and reveal my true form.


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