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24: The Rookie Year September 5, 2011

Posted by Sobek in Entertainment.
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Here’s something I found in Joel Surnow’s garbage can, before his guards chased me away.  It’s looks like part of a draft script that never made it to print.  I’m putting it up here to preserve it for history, for all you 24 fans out there.

[Pages 1-4 are missing.  The action begins on page 5, in what appears to be a CTU holding cell.]

Bauer: I’m gonna give you one more chance, Hameed.  Either you tell me where the briefcase is, or I swear I’ll shoot you dead.

Hameed: Your threats mean nothing to me, Agent Bauer.  If you kill me, I will be with my God.

McCormack: [trying to calm down the situation] Jack, don’t do anything crazy.

Bauer: We don’t have time for this!  [Jack racks the slide on his Glock 23 pistol and jams it into Hameed's cheek.]  Are you going to give me the briefcase?

Hameed:  Wait a second, you didn’t have a round in the chamber?

McCormack:  Jack, stand down!

Bauer:  What?

Hameed: You’ve been pointing that gun at me all this time and you didn’t have a round in the chamber?  What kind of idiot cop are you?

Bauer: We don’t have time for this!

Hameed:  Look, I’m a terrorist.  I know how pistols work, and Glock is one of the most popular gun manufacturers in the world.  You don’t rack the slide for emphasis, you rack it when there isn’t a round in the chamber.

McCormack: We know how Glocks work, scumbag!

Hameed: Apparently he doesn’t…

Bauer:  Shut up!  Quit stalling, or I swear I’ll splatter your brains all over the wall! [Jack racks the slide again and stuffs it under Hameeds chin.]

McCormack:  Wait a second…

Hameed: You did it again!  Do you even have a magazine in there?

Jack: [impatient] We don’t have time for magazines! [he reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a magazine, slides it into the Glock, and points it at Hameed.]

Hameed: Okay, but now you have to rack the slide again, because you still don’t have a …

Jack: I don’t need you to tell me how guns work!  I need you to tell me where that briefcase is!  [He racks the slide]

Hameed: [under his breath] Apparently you could use some help with both…

McCormack: Jack, this is getting us nowhere.  We need to go back to the warehouse and try to pick up Mustapha’s trail.

Jack: No, that trail’s gone cold.  I’m pretty sure I destroyed a lot of evidence when I rigged it with explosives and blew it up.

McCormack:  Yeah, about that…

Jack: But it doesn’t matter, because I’m going to get the information I need right now [he looks menacingly at Hameed] or I’m going to fill this guy full of lead.  Do you understand me?  [He racks the slide for emphasis.  A .40 caliber bullet pops out of the gun and rolls across the floor.]

McCormack: Oh, for crying out loud …

Jack: [on his hands and knees, looking for the bullet but shouting up towards Hameed] Now one way or the other [looks down at the floor, back at Hameed] you are going to tell me [looks at the floor, back at Hameed] what I need to know, and we can [looks at the floor] uh … we can …

Hameed: It’s over there by the wall [gesturing with his chin]

Jack: Thanks [he says, as he stand up and puts the ejected bullet back into the magazine, then replaces the magazine in the pistol]

McCormack: [rolling his eyes] We’re wasting our time here, Jack.

Jack: We don’t have time to waste our time here, Jack!  [He sticks the gun in Hameed's ribs and cocks the hammer.]

Hameed: What the hell was that?

Jack: What was what?

Hameed: That sound.  It sounded like you cocked the hammer on your Glock.

Jack: That’s right, terrorist.  Don’t test me.

Hameed: Since when do Glocks have external hammers?  Glocks don’t even make that sound.

Jack: I, uh …

Hameed: Did you just make a “click” sound with your mouth when you stuck that thing in my chest?

Jack: What?  No!  Quit trying to change the subject! [he sticks the gun right under Hameed's nose and racks the slide.  A .40 caliber bullet pops out of the gun and rolls across the floor.]

McCormack: You gotta be kidding me …

Hameed: [stifling laughter] What the hell kind of agent are you?

Jack: That’s it … [he shoots Hameed in the leg.  Hameed immediately begins screaming.]

McCormack: Ah!  Holy crap, Jack, what’s wrong with you?

Jack: I need to get some answers!

McCormack: What?

Jack:  What?

McCormack:  I think you just permanently damaged my hearing, Jack!  We’re in a little concrete room!  You gotta warn a guy …

Jack:  What?

McCormack:  What?

Jack:  I can’t hear you!  I think I just damaged my hearing!

Hameed:  [screams violently.  Neither Jack nor McCormack can hear him]

McCormack:  What?

[The door to the holding cell bursts open, five CTU agents come in with guns drawn, led by Director REESE, a man in his late 50s with "upper-middle management" written all over him.  This is guy who does it by the book.]

Reese:  What the hell happened?

McCormack:  What?

Reese: [Sees Hameed has been shot in the leg]  Aw, man.  Jack, did you shoot this guy?

Jack: What?

Reese:  [shouting, and pantomiming the motions] DID YOU SHOOT THIS GUY?

Jack: [understands the pantomime] I HAD TO GET SOME ANSWERS!

Reese:  McCormack, you let Jack shoot an unarmed man, while in federal custody and handcuffed to a chair?

McCormack:  What?

Reese: For the love of … All right, get these two out of here [gesturing towards Jack and McCormack.  Two CTU guys escort Jack and McCormack out of the room, while two more inspect Hameed's gunshot wound.  Reese walks out into the hall.]

Reese: Jack, what did I just say, before you went in there?  What did I just say?

Jack:  Sorry chief, it’s kind of hard to hear you.  My ears are ringing pretty bad.

Reese: That’s because you shot a man while locked in a 10 by 10 concrete bunker.  What on earth did you expect to happen?

Jack: I don’t have time for you to second-guess me on this, Reese.  You know as well as I do that Hameed can get us to that briefcase, and we both know what will happen if Abdul’s gang gets ahold of it.  [He stares coldly at Reese, every muscle in Jack's face quivering with contempt for the stuffed suit in front of him].

Reese: Fine.  Tell you what, I’m even willing to pretend that was an accidental discharge instead of you intentionally shooting an American citizen without probable cause, and even though my looking the other way on this directly contradicts not only the Constitution, federal statutes, and our rulebooks, but also every single description of me as a rule-following stuffed suit.  I’m going to have a doctor look at Hameed …

Jack: Thank you…

Reese: …while you fill out an Accidental Discharge form.  It’s FD-562b, and you’ll need to supplement it with an FD-578 because the incident happened on a federal installation.  I’m going to cut you some slack and not make you fill out FD-921 and 922 until after we get this terrorist threat under control.  I’ll have Chloe put a copy of them on your desk.  She can generate an incident code for you, which you’ll need to complete block 17a on the 578.  Once I get signatures back from the Firearms Unit and the Training Unit on the form and the attached EC, I’ll give you another crack at Hameed.

Jack: What?  I … aw crap.

[The rest of the page is illegible because it was stained with what looks like Kahlua and cocaine residue, and I couldn't find any other pages of the script before some large men chased me out of the garbage cans.]

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Comments»

1. harrison - September 5, 2011

It’s a good thing Jack works for CTU and not the FBI.
That would be embarrassing.

Funny stuff.

2. Retired Geezer - September 5, 2011

That was great!
My eyes want to do an involuntary eyeroll whenever I see someone rack the slide, be it semi-auto pistol or shotgun.

3. daveintexas - September 5, 2011

*CLICK*

4. lauraw - September 5, 2011

*yawns, rubs sleepy eyes*

Good morning.

*gets out of bed*

*hair and makeup are perfect*

Is somebody talking about how TV is different than real life?
How so?

*dons satin kimono and glides gracefully down spiral staircase*

5. Sobek - September 5, 2011

WHAT?

6. OBF - September 5, 2011

Someone have Saturday Night Live’s number? This could make a funny skit.

7. daveintexas - September 5, 2011

satin or silk?

8. lauraw - September 5, 2011

Silk satin.

9. Sobek - September 5, 2011

Oooh, fancy!

10. daveintexas - September 5, 2011

DO they make that?

11. BrewFan - September 5, 2011

rich spiders make satin silk

12. lauraw - September 5, 2011

Yeah. It’s really soft and I think it has a nicer shine than the standard poly or acetate stuff they use now.

13. harrison - September 5, 2011

I’ve got silk boxers.
It feels like I’m wearing nothing.

14. daveintexas - September 5, 2011

*stumbles upon words and hits myself in the face with a 2×4

I-35 is a parking lot this afternoon.

15. OBF - September 5, 2011

You can launder satin/silk in olive oil…or so I’ve been told.

16. Retired Geezer - September 5, 2011

OK, this is just amazing.

17. Lipstick - September 6, 2011

Oh my, RG. I need to get some of that.

18. Cathy - September 6, 2011

Funny

19. Retired Geezer - September 6, 2011

Someone have Saturday Night Live’s number? This could make a funny skit.

Oh yeah, it’s perfect! I can see the ‘old’ cast doing it back when SNL was actually funny.

Full disclaimer: I haven’t watched SNL in decades.

20. Cathy - September 6, 2011

Full disclaimer: I haven’t watched SNL in decades.

Me neither. However this is classic SNL, which is probably funnier and better than whatever is going on now.

21. Retired Geezer - September 6, 2011

However this is classic SNL,

True dat.

22. Sobek - September 6, 2011

No SNL writers know how guns work. They’re all New York liberals.


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