Operation: Penguin Elimination September 20, 2014Posted by Sobek in News.
Here’s the new project I want to get going through Kickstarter, except that they keep asking me for my phone number and bank account information. Probably to commit identity theft.
As you probably know, on 09/19/2014, Professor of Everything Neil deGrasse Tyson tweeted the following: “Some of us in the North are jealous that 100% of the world’s population of free Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere.”
Now if you are passionately in love with Science, as I am, this statement presents a dilemma. One the one hand, everything Neil deGrasse Tyson is completely true, and on the other hand, there technically are indigenous penguins that live north of the Equator.
In an effort to reconcile the apparent contradiction, I realized the true intent of his tweet: Dr. Tyson wants his acolytes to kill all of the penguins in the Galapagos Islands. See, his statement is not literally true, it’s aspirationally true. It’s a call to action.
That’s where you and I come in. I plan to fly to the Galapagos Islands, bribe whoever I need to bribe to get a few high-power rifles past customs, and murder the ever-loving crap out of every last penguin until I’ve fulfilled the sacred dictates of Science. In order to make this happen, I’ll need airplane tickets, hotel expenses, food expenses, two Barrett .50 caliber sniper rifles (in case one goes down), enough boxes of ammunition to get this done, some camouflage face paint, and taxidermy fees. What are the taxidermy fees for? That’s where you come in, again (after the part where you send me money): for every pledge over $1,000, I will send you a stuffed penguin, suitable for mounting, beating like a pinata for the audacity of existing in the wrong hemisphere, or whatever you want to do with a stuffed penguin.
Let’s make this happen. It’s what NdGT would have wanted.