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Operation: Penguin Elimination September 20, 2014

Posted by Sobek in News.

Here’s the new project I want to get going through Kickstarter, except that they keep asking me for my phone number and bank account information.  Probably to commit identity theft.

As you probably know, on 09/19/2014, Professor of Everything Neil deGrasse Tyson tweeted the following: “Some of us in the North are jealous that 100% of the world’s population of free Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere.”

Now if you are passionately in love with Science, as I am, this statement presents a dilemma.  One the one hand, everything Neil deGrasse Tyson is completely true, and on the other hand, there technically are indigenous penguins that live north of the Equator.

In an effort to reconcile the apparent contradiction, I realized the true intent of his tweet: Dr. Tyson wants his acolytes to kill all of the penguins in the Galapagos Islands.  See, his statement is not literally true, it’s aspirationally true.  It’s a call to action.

That’s where you and I come in.  I plan to fly to the Galapagos Islands, bribe whoever I need to bribe to get a few high-power rifles past customs, and murder the ever-loving crap out of every last penguin until I’ve fulfilled the sacred dictates of Science.  In order to make this happen, I’ll need airplane tickets, hotel expenses, food expenses, two Barrett .50 caliber sniper rifles (in case one goes down), enough boxes of ammunition to get this done, some camouflage face paint, and taxidermy fees.  What are the taxidermy fees for?  That’s where you come in, again (after the part where you send me money): for every pledge over $1,000, I will send you a stuffed penguin, suitable for mounting, beating like a pinata for the audacity of existing in the wrong hemisphere, or whatever you want to do with a stuffed penguin.

Let’s make this happen.  It’s what NdGT would have wanted.


1. Jimbro - September 20, 2014

The Barrett may not leave much of a carcass to stuff. Better get a few shotguns with birdshot and use the .50 cal for the penguin community organizers.

(NSA, please note this is satire).

2. sobek - September 20, 2014

True. But to be perfectly honest with you, preserving the corpse is less of a priority for me than getting two Barrett sniper rifles courtesy of Kickstart error contributors.

3. Teresa in Fort Worth, TX - September 21, 2014

You owe me a new monitor….

4. Jimbro - September 21, 2014

“…less of a priority for me than getting two Barrett sniper rifles…”

I like the way you’re thinking!

5. Surellin - September 23, 2014

I see that the Galapagos penguin weighs about 6 pounds and is 1.5 feet tall. Yeah, the .50 won’t leave much. How about a shallow-draft yacht with a deck-mounted 7.62 machine gun? That way you’d be able to catch the Bad Penguins at sea as well as strafe them on the beach. That would be keen.

6. sobek - September 23, 2014

If this thread turns into speculation on the most effective way to exterminate the Galapagos Penguin, I’m okay with that. But any proposal that results in me not getting my sniper rifle risks summary deletion. For Science!

7. lauraw - September 23, 2014

Nowhere in the proposal did you specify what the rifles were for, so there is nothing to preclude you from using BB guns on the penguins and saving the rifles for other things, like Giant Galapagos Tortoise Target Practice, after.

Not everybody gets to say that they blew up a 150-year old endangered tortoise, and you probably shouldn’t either.

8. Retired Geezer - September 24, 2014

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