More like modern pajama boy man-child. This New York Times article is so remarkably stupid that it has already been mocked across the entire internet. However, as a manly man of manliness, it is my responsibility to address this piece of fuckwittery. The same way that as a professional working writer I am compelled to respond to stupid writing advice that might otherwise screw up aspiring authors, I have to Fisk this.
See, I have two sons. As a father, it is my duty to point out really stupid shit, so they can avoid becoming goony hipster douche balloons. So boys, this Fisk was written for you.
http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/10/02/fashion/mens-style/27-ways-to-be-a-modern-man.html
As usual, the original is italics and my comments are in bold.
SELF-HELP
Even the header is wrong. This article is the opposite of self-help. This is like the instruction guide for how to live life as a sex-free eunuch.
27 Ways to Be a Modern Man
Alternate Title: Does the Touch of a Woman Confuse and Frighten You? 27 Ways to Avoid Girl Cooties.
By BRIAN LOMBARDI
Who took time off from his busy schedule at the nail salon to write this.
SEPTEMBER 29, 2015
Being a modern man today is no different than it was a century ago. It’s all about adhering to principle. Sure, fashion, technology and architecture change over time, as do standards of etiquette, not to mention ways of carrying oneself in the public sphere. But the modern man will take the bits from the past that strike him as relevant and blend them with the stuff of today.
My sons, as you go through life you will learn that libprog rags like the NYT, Slate, and HuffPo usually start their bullshit articles with a paragraph that sounds all sorts of reasonable. Beware. It is a trick.
What follows is one dude’s bizarrely specific pronouncements, which range from preachy but passable, to full turnip. Now, if this jackass had just lived his life according to his own code, real men wouldn’t give a shit, but of course not… This is the New York Times, bastion of bullshit, which will not be content unless it is telling you how you’re living your life wrong.
- When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.
Who the hell buys shoes for their wife? As you grow older you will learn that many women like to shop for clothing and shoes. No. I don’t understand it either. But as a manly man, your duty is to work and provide money to your woman, so that she may go and do this sort of thing if she wants.
As for knowing sizes, no. As children, your mother buys clothes for you. Right now your requests for her seem to be “Get a shirt with Deadpool on it” and that is good. But as men large of stature you will eventually purchase your own clothing from the Extra Large Casual Male Outlet or the Cabella’s Catalog.
For you who are descended from giants, you know man sizes starts at 2XL (or 3X if you need to carry your pistol concealed under an untucked shirt) and shoes sizes begin at 15, but unlike the wimpy New York Times reporter, manly men understand that all men are different, and we do not judge them, even if they shop in the children’s section.
As for knowing your woman’s sizes, no. Your mother owns like 40 pairs of running shoes. She doesn’t even know which brands run big or small, and she has a uterus.
Oh and Happy Fathers Day.
I’ve been married for 28 years and we’ve been a couple for over 31. Other than suggesting a pair of hooker boots (a perfectly good suggestion that she ignored) that one time I’ve never had any input on her shoe purchases.. I might be able to guess her shoe size just because there really aren’t that many realistic possibilities. It’s got to be somewhere between a size 4 and a size 28 right?
Her dress size is six though. She makes sure I know that one for some reason, but I don’t buy those for her anyway since she’d just return them to Fredericks of Hollywood anyway. She’s doesn’t appreciate my tastes in personal attire.
Women. Hmph!
Now I need to buy a melon baller
I had to look up melon baller on Bing. I still don’t understand their purpose. I guess I could use it as a weapon if push comes to shove. I’m not a great shot. I guess after I run out of all 14 rounds in my .45 I could switch to the melon baller for wet work.
Around here I run into people that call Dr. Pepper a “coke”. They also call Pepsi, Sprite and 7-Up a “coke”. Either it’s a regional thing or they’re morons. I don’t drink pop, so it doesn’t matter to me. Notice I said “pop”. When I moved to Oklahoma 20 years ago I called them “sodas”, but the red dirt has changed me. I also spend a lot of time staring at the sun and wondering about the crops, despite not being a farmer.
My oldest boy, who can grow a beard between breakfast and lunch, at one point benched 475 lbs and has had numerous encounters with guys about to be dead for shooting at the wrong people drank Mountain Dew like it was delivered directly by God himself until he figured out that his teeth and his gut were getting destroyed by the stuff. He’s so manly that I would think he was compensating for something if I hadn’t known him his entire lifetime. Real men drink what they want.
I stopped drinking Diet Dew when I noticed it would cut right through a puddle of glycol. We were building glycol pumps in the shop one day and I spilt a bottle on the table. When I wiped it down you could see the spot that the Diet Dew had covered was clean all the way down to the bare metal. I thought it was pretty cool, but then I considered what it might be doing to my innards and it helped me stop drinking pop.