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From the “You Know You’re Gonna Hate Yourself for Clicking Through” File August 30, 2016

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Woman can lick her eye and elbow with extraordinarily long tongue


Leaning Into That Sexist Punch August 29, 2016

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I’m sure everybody will be blogging about this tonight and tomorrow, but it’s too funny to pass up. Apparently some folks are upset that society doesn’t approve of women going topless in public, so they took their tops off in NYC to raise awareness of this pressing issue. And then they were surprised when the completely predictable, ludicrously obvious outcome resulted:

…only about 50 women and men bared their breasts to expose the lack of “equal topless rights for all.”

The lack of support did not go unnoticed by those who opted to doff their tops — many taking part in the rally noted the crowds were mostly made of up gawking men and creeps with cameras.

“We’re not here for everyone’s entertainment, we’re not here to get our pictures taken. We’re here to show that this is normal and that it’s legal to have your top off in New York City as a woman,” said visibly upset lab tech Elyse Scarpino, a 26-year-old from New Jersey.

“I thought it was gonna be a little more progressive and less men just ogling at you.”

Sorry, sunshine. It’s not like you weren’t warned by, like, everything in society.

Jaden Smith, Spelling His Way to Success August 29, 2016

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This seems doomed from the start:

In an interview with Variety magazine, Jaden Smith – the son of actor Will Smith and actress Jada Pinkett Smith – said his clothing line, MSFTSrep, is for “the girl that wants to be a tomboy or the boy that wants to wear a skirt.”

MSFTSrep was created for, ‘the girl that wants to be a tomboy or the boy that wants to wear a skirt, and people try to condemn,” Smith told Variety.

It’s his business, of course, so there’s nothing wrong with him undertaking this endeavor. Other than the obvious problem of the size of the market segment, that is.

But I was taken with this silly statement:

“It’s pronounced ‘misfits.’ I took the ‘I’ out of ‘misfits’ because we’re a team and there is no ‘I’ in team. It’s a place for the lost kids and everyone to go, and something for them to have,” he said.

Well, Jaden, I’m not an expert, but it seems to me that there’s also no ‘s’ or ‘f’ in team, not to mention that there are two ‘i’s in ‘misfits.’ Also, there is an ‘i’ in ‘Smith,’ so you’ll be wanting to address that, as well as the multitude of other ‘i’-bearing words that are going to come up during the course of business.

Honestly, though, I’d be much more worried about the sales projections than team spirit.

Perfect for Home Defense August 29, 2016

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{Apologies to the first Terminator movie for the headline.}

So this is currently happening:

Tehran has deployed a recently delivered Russian-made long-range missile system to central Iran to protect its Fordo nuclear facility, state television said Sunday.

Because long-range missiles are just what one needs for protection.

Thank God for President Obama’s historic nuclear weapons deal.

Keeping Up With Sleeping People Pranks August 28, 2016

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Old School: Drawing humiliating pictures on drunk/sleeping people’s faces.

New School: Attack the hair!!


The state of the art keeps moving forward.

The Future is Now August 28, 2016

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…or Life Imitates Art. One of those old catchphrases. Anyway, we now have shades of Knight Rider:

“Kawasaki developing AI motorcycles that can talk with, learn from their riders”

Now, manufacturer Kawasaki wants to give its models one more selling point, by letting riders talk with their motorcycles via an AI program.

The just-announced, still-in-development system is called the Kanjo Enjin, which translates as “Emotion Engine” (though it’s not to be confused with the PlayStation 2 CPU that bore that English name). The goal of the system is to be able to understand and react to motorcyclists’ normal, human speech. Through continued communication, the bike will learn the owner’s amount of motorcycle experience, skill level, and individual riding style.

Conversations won’t be entirely one-sided affairs, either, as the AI will offer suggestions for a safe, enjoyable ride. But what’s likely to have a more direct effect on the riding experience is a planned feature in which after developing a profile of the rider, various vehicle settings will automatically be adjusted accordingly.

SACophilia August 27, 2016

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I miss the old Air Force, particularly the Strategic Air Command (SAC), which was responsible for all the USAF’s nuclear forces (ICBMs and bombers). SAC was righteous wrath deliverable 24/7 anywhere in the world. As a SAC brat I spent many of my formative years on ICBM bases in North Dakota, but the passing years have turned resentment into nostalgia; now even the North Dakota tours are now forgiven.

So I was thrilled this past summer to run across the SAC museum on the stretch of I-80 between Omaha and Lincoln (I was westbound). Nice collection of Cold War memorabilia with an unapologetic attitude towards America’s nuclear defense posture.

I got two of these t-shirts, and I highly recommend that you do the same:

4737 f-b sac crest black

The only thing the shirt is missing is the SAC motto: “Peace is our profession.” I always thought that contrasted nicely with the logo.

They’re Never Satisfied August 27, 2016

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On the one hand:

Calling Hillary ‘Mrs. Clinton’ is sexist, say Georgetown Dems

but on the other hand:

Calling her ‘Hillary’ is now ‘sexist’

Well, I’m an accommodating kind of guy, so I’m willing to not refer to her by either name.

But her fans may not appreciate my choice of substitution.

Transgender Bathroom Boycott: A Tale of Two Retailers August 27, 2016

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Back in April, Target made a bold statement about its support of transgender bathrooms, saying that pretty much anybody who felt like it could use any bathroom they felt like. There was a huge outcry from the public, but Target stood tall, insisting that this was the moral and just thing to do.

Until now.

You see, when Target saw this,


they quickly noticed their sales were lower than any point over the last 2 1/2 years. And while Walmart’s sales* grew significantly from the 1st to the 2nd quarter of this year, Target’s were flat.

So they decided to spend $20 million on private bathrooms, so as to give people more choices (claiming that the transgender bathroom boycott had nothing to do with the decision). They did not, however, rescind their bathroom free-for-all policy, so I’m not sure how much that will appease their critics.

Tomorrow they’re having Target Run Day, with store-wide 10% savings to get people back in the stores and boost their sales numbers. I doubt that will help them either.

As for me, I think I’ll be heading off to Walmart for all my sundries.

*Walmart US sales were used to compare more closely with Target sales.

Dangerous Wildlife Photography August 24, 2016

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Here in the ferocious wilds that the natives call ‘Kh-net-i’cut,’ (which loosely translates to ‘HOW much?!’) there are luxurious meads teeming with all manner of creatures, from the lowliest insects, to the much, much highliester insects.

Since my photographer was eaten by a dragon last week, it falls to me to train my ignorant lens on some of the amazing organisms inhabiting this amazing place.

Behold. Amazing!

Wow, really blurry

Sorry it’s so blurry

Oh, okay, so; I had an amazing insect in the frame but it flitted away just before the damned camera on my phone finally snapped the shutter. I have a LOT of pictures just like this. Tons. Sorry.


Not a very special fly.

I was pretty excited about this one, but it turned out to be a housefly, just like the ones we have back home. I am SO sorry. Moving on.

shake it

I like bee butts and I cannot lie

I got his butt! I got his butt! So close. That was so close to being an actual picture of a thing. I’m getting really good at this!



Well! Well, well, now! There it is. A little blurry, but I think you can verify the veracity with which this thing represents itself. That, there, is a Black Bee With Yellow Stripes. I just named it. That’s it’s name because I say so. This is awesome.

I’m gonna do it again.

really very tiny

this bee was very small

Another black bee with yellow stripes, but not THE Black Bee With Yellow Stripes. Wow, I say! Naming animals can be quite the pickle!

I dub thee, ‘Mini-Bee.’

Say, do you know what happens when someone stands next to a tall plant teeming with bees on a sunny day? The bees are always flying quickly and they bump into someone. Quite a lot. And sometimes they land on someone, too. Just to take a little break! And then they have a bit of a relaxed little walkabout on someone, while someone stops breathing and poops their pants.

Coloring by Headlines August 23, 2016

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Color me stunned:

State Dept Warns: Iran Seeking to Capture U.S. Citizens


And while we’re coloring, color me saddened that this is news and not a piece from the Onion:

Teenage Girl Ditches Smartphone For Flip Phone To Find Peace


Site Stats August 22, 2016

Posted by geoff in News.
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Hunh. That last trivial post was #6500 for Innocent Bystanders. We’re also closing in on 140,000 comments (we’re at 139,438), 200,000 visitors (currently 195,842), and 5.2 million views (currently 5,190,574).

Things are pretty sluggish these days, but that’s a fair amount of mileage for an AoSHQ spinoff.