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Dave Stuff March 2, 2018

Posted by daveintexas in Ballistics, Crime, Ducks, Entertainment, Handblogging, History, Law, Man Laws, Mufuckin Pie!, Sex, Sidebar Flag Bullshit.

I try to use descriptive, catchy post titles.

Anyway the weather was nice last Sunday so I decided it was time to power wash the deck area and hang up some lights to make the place all cheery and shit.


I know, gross right? Spider webs, bugs, leaves, dirt


Section After.png

Much better.

I know all this stuff gets made in China (or somewhere in Asia).  Christmas lights are not particularly complex so if there was a manual I ignored it like I do complicated stuff where I really should RTFM but still won’t.

But the vendor in it’s relationship with Amazon insisted that I get this information via the following email, including a an explanation of why these lights might not be exactly the “white warmness” I might have been expecting, AND a warranty and a sincere promise to resolve any customer dissatisfaction accompanied with a plea to please not rat them out on the item page.

I realize their English is much better than my Mandarin but these things are just so fun.

First, an Important notice regarding the warm white color (as advertised)

Section 2

A friendly greeting, an interesting explanation of why the product might not be exactly what I ordered but yet “It is not wrong item sent if you receive the color difference version”

It is definitely warm white if you compare it with white version, or maybe Slublog.

Then some handy instructions for troubleshooting.

Section 3

If bulb burns out, replace bulb. It will turn on.

And then a promise to resolve any problem but please don’t bust our balls with bad remark on item page.

Section 1

They did say please and kindly so were I disappointed with the warmth of whiteness I would reach out to them before posting an irate customer thing.  Besides I never do that cause everybody looks like an asshole when they do.

Besides, I think they’re quite warm and I am satisfied.

Thank you, MZD8391 Customer Service Team!

The Form of the Destructor Has Been Chosen January 27, 2016

Posted by daveintexas in Art, Blogroll, Crime, Ducks, Economics, Gardening, Heroes, Honor, Law, Mufuckin Pie!, Nature Shit, News, Science, Sex, Sidebar Flag Bullshit, Stupid shit, Terrorist Hemorrhoids.


I couldn’t help it, it just popped in there.

Crap Tree 2015 December 5, 2015

Posted by daveintexas in Ballistics, Blogroll, Commenting Tips, Crime, Ducks, Economics, Handblogging, Heroes, History, Honor, Humor, Man Laws, Mufuckin Pie!, Nature Shit, News, Philosophy, Religion, Science, Sex, Sidebar Flag Bullshit, Stupid shit, Terrorist Hemorrhoids, Women Ranting, WTF?.
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For Michael and the rest of you knuckleheads that I love.

May you all have a Merry Christmas.

Please do note the shotgun shell lights you could still smell the cordite on em if you were here.  IF.




Here is a cute puppy November 22, 2015

Posted by daveintexas in Ballistics, Commenting Tips, Crime, Handblogging, Humor, Love, Mufuckin Pie!, News, Philosophy, Science, Sex, Sidebar Flag Bullshit, Terrorist Hemorrhoids, Women Ranting, WTF?.

It’s not great content but it is cute content




Man You Muhfuckers Are Depressing the Shit Outta Me March 25, 2015

Posted by daveintexas in Ballistics, Commenting Tips, Ducks, Economics, Gardening, Handblogging, Heroes, Law, Man Laws, Mufuckin Pie!, Nature Shit, News, Personal Experiences, Philosophy, Religion, Sex, Sidebar Flag Bullshit, Stupid shit, Terrorist Hemorrhoids, Women Ranting, WTF?.

Stop that STOP THAT! This is supposed to be an ‘appy occasion.

And how did I get nominated for the last post here ever? Geoff has been working his skinny butt off posting and such.

Ain’t right. Ain’t right.


Yes, this post is going to have a “theme”.

So. 2006 or thGFYerebouts. I was 47 years old. Geezer was 75, Peelie was 13 and LauraW was in county banging a tin cup on the bars and yelling “FILTHY SCREWS FILTHY SCREWS”.  If you never heard this stuff it’s all true email me I have documents and stuff.

I don’t know what I’m doing here. I don’t do this for a living you know.

In 2006 I had no idea how this worked. I had a kid in college and one on the way there.  I was just working and making jokes here and at Ace’s and getting to know you all.  And we’d get in comment threads and make absurd bitey faces at each other and joke around.  Then this, ace called it “The Splitters”.  So we did more stupid stuff and monkeys stopped flinging poop long enough to stare at us as if we were raving lunatics or something.  And then this amazing thing happened. I met some of you, most of you.  I actually came to places and saw your dorky faces and in person for reals.. met you.  You were already my friends then you became my in person touching hugging friends.  And every one of you every damn one of you hugged me and loved me and made me feel ten feet tall, bulletproof and invisible.  Thank you special people for the extra touches you know who you are and I won’t say it out loud here Geoff.


Hey Dave how about we all go some place across the country and meet each other for reals?

This place, this actual place made it be possible for me to meet you all.  To be friends and to love you. All your cares, all my cares. Fake internet friends became real friends. (thanks Al Gore).

Somehow it meant our personal lives became part of each other.  I am a part of you all. The goofy part, or maybe tummy gas. I’m still a part of you all.  Might be stinky. In a way I’d be proud if I was the stinky part.

OK then, I love you idiots. And I say idiots knowing I’m the idiot and you’re not I just have to drop that stuff at you because otherwise I’d gete sniffly and shit and no way no how am I gonna do that, fuck that.

I miss ya Harrison. You were one of the sweetest souls I’ve ever known who called me a friend. I miss Michael too.  He was a big dumb jerk but he was also my friend and he loved me and you all (and fuck cancer seriously fuck cancer, pineapple/sideways).  Oddly I miss them both in much the same way except I liked Harrison.

But I do need to say something very important that’s been on my heart for a long long time.

Michael, if you’re reading this (don’t you have better things to do?), I’m really sorry about the guest towels.  That was so wrong of me.  I feel bad about that, especially the part about me planting them in your pillowcase before I went home.

That was wrong of me.

Remember Pirate Talk?







Thank you Michael, Geezer, for bringing people into my life that I never would have met. I never would have known them, never would have loved them like I do. Your gift to all of us is so fine. You thought you were making a silly thing. Geezer thought it was a joke, a funny.  Thank all of you for inviting me into your lives, your homes your personal space without freaking out.. much.

What you made was friendships. That’s what you did and that’s the legacy of the Splitters.

How Dave Feels About Centering Pictures













We people are the people we people care about. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. That’s what y’all did and you had no damn idea even that’s what you were doing. Like usual.

I love you idiots.

This place was a place. Better than ice cream. And ice cream kicks ass.


Y’all are better than ice cream and I still need you all in my life.


















I Am In Charge of Meat Fire On Saturday October 7, 2013

Posted by daveintexas in Ballistics, Food, Nature Shit, Philosophy, Science, Sex, Sidebar Flag Bullshit, Stupid shit, Women Ranting, WTF?.

This is gonna be GREAT!


How_To_Start_A_Barbecue_Fire-1md (336x448)


Eerybody just chill.  I got this.


Texas Wins Another Case Against Dept. of Commerce June 5, 2013

Posted by daveintexas in Ducks, Entertainment, Food, History, Law, Nature Shit, Sidebar Flag Bullshit, Women Ranting, WTF?.

I met Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott last year at a luncheon, and had a chance to speak with him a bit.  He was just celebrating a successful case filed against the EPA.  I asked him “what is it that you spend most of your time on?”  and he answered “suing the Federal government.”

Loved that answer.  Here’s another one, successfully pushing back a stupid emergency ruling that arbitrarily shortened the red snapper fishing season in Federal waters off the coast of Texas.

Abbott understands federal bureacracies abuse their power constantly, and doesn’t back down from a fight.  The case he was celebrating was a ruling in the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals that the EPA had improperly rejected the state’s “Flexible Permitting Program” regarding the establishment of controls over permits for electricity generation plants.  Texas wanted to keep control of permitting in our hands and not the EPA’s.  The EPA’s intention was to take it over and start denying applications.  It’s what they do.

Here’s a snippy NPR article about the outcome of that case.  Forget the typical NPR bullshit, look at the photograph of Greg Abbott in the article.

Greg Abbott is wheelchair bound.  Nice photo, isn’t it?

Incidentally, Texas was thrown into the provisions of the Cross-State Air Pollution Rule based on a model that showed a monitor located across the street from a steel mill, shows a theoretical reading that is slightly above attainment.

A monitor in Illinois.

Let’s be very clear about the facts.  The last-minute inclusion of Texas in the sulfur dioxide portion of the rule is based on modeling that says an Illinois monitor, located across the street from a steel mill, shows a theoretical reading that is slightly above attainment.  Actual data from 2009 forward shows that this monitor is meeting the federal air quality standards today.  And even if the feds relied on their own computer simulated modeling predictions, that monitor would be in attainment in 2014 without any reductions from CSAPR.  So does Texas’ tenuous link to this monitor justify the state’s inclusion in CSAPR? No.

He’ll run for governor soon.  I’ll support him.

Sell the Sizzle Not The Steak January 12, 2013

Posted by daveintexas in Ducks, Handblogging, Man Laws, Nature Shit, News, Sex, Sidebar Flag Bullshit, Sports, Terrorist Hemorrhoids, WTF?.

Especially if it’s a so-so steak.

I present to you, the Official Ryan Potter Highlight Mix Tape.

Mark my words, this kind of self-confidence is going to claw it’s way into middle management one day.  Or he’ll be the CEO.

via TookieW via Andy

Was This The Pass That Won RG III the Heisman? October 26, 2012

Posted by daveintexas in Ballistics, Commenting Tips, Handblogging, Love, Man Laws, Nature Shit, Science, Sidebar Flag Bullshit, Women Ranting.

Could be.  After years of being OU’s bitch, Baylor made em cry.


*full disclosure, I was kicked out of Baylor after 2 years, and it wasn’t just my shitty grades


Also, there is arithmetic in here.  Sorry.  Promises get broken from time to time. Tough titty said the kitty.




The Cane July 27, 2012

Posted by daveintexas in Art, Ballistics, Crime, Economics, Handblogging, Honor, Personal Experiences, Sidebar Flag Bullshit, WTF?.

Years ago my dad learned how to do these custom “thread jobs” on graphite fishing rods, using colored threads to make interesting patterns of cross-wrapping, attaching the eyes of the rod using the same thing, and affixing them with epoxy. He did it as a hobby first, and later as a side business. His goal was to make about $5000 in profits selling em to buy mom a new engagement ring for their 35th (I think) anniversary. They were beautiful pieces of work. He made way more than that, and it was a nice side bit of income for him for 15 years. I have a dozen of em still.  End to end, probably took about 15 hours to make each one.

A few years ago, he got bored and needed something to do, and started buying walking canes and doing the same thing to them. He must have made over 200 of them for the past 2 years. He’d take em to nursing homes, VA hospitals around Dallas, and give them away.

This is one of the 10 or so he gave me, he just asked me to do the same. So I handed out the others at the local VA, but kept this one. Had it for a year.

I never even thought I’d have to use it one day, but I have been. It’s kind of a special thing to me now, even though he passed away before it became something I needed, and not just something I wanted to hang on to.  Because he made it.

So it’s something special that reminds me of him, and is also helping me get well.

Little Man, Big Soda June 17, 2012

Posted by wintersetruss in Family, News, Personal Experiences, Sidebar Flag Bullshit.


When Practical Jokes Turn Bad November 30, 2011

Posted by wintersetruss in Crime, Law, Man Laws, Sidebar Flag Bullshit.

Have you ever played a great prank on a friend or coworker, only to have the prank turn a little uncomfortable between the setup and the payoff?  That’s where I’m at today.

In case you didn’t know, I work at a farm implement dealership in the parts department.  Back in mid-October, the parts department noticed that the sales department kept leaving the keys in a “gator” utility vehicle overnight.  They kept leaving it right outside the front door, so it wasn’t like it was back away from everything where it would probably never be noticed.  We kept telling them that was a bad idea, but they kept doing it day after day.  Finally, on the last Sunday in October, I was out at the dealership pulling some parts for one of our mechanics when I decided to make a statement.

I hopped in the UV, started it up, and drove it to the furthest point on the lot away from it’s normal location, where I hid it behind some combines in a shed.  I put the keys for the vehicle under the counter at my workstation, and then called a coworker AND a member of the corporate parts team to let them in on the gag (just so I couldn’t be accused of trying to steal the damn thing….I may be dumb, but I ain’t stupid).  They both got a good laugh out of the joke, and we thought about starting up a pool as to when the sales department would notice the missing vehicle and start a panicked search for it.

Skip to a whole month later, and the gator is still gathering dust down in the shed where I hid it.  There’s ZERO indication that anyone knows it’s gone, and that worries me more than if the sales department had blown up over its absence.

So I need some input from you, my fake-internet friends, on how to proceed from here.  Do I bring it back & put it exactly where I found it (with the keys in the ignition and everything)?   Or do I double down and try to see if they notice a tractor or combine going missing?  There’s a big ol’ 4WD Cat Challenger with front & rear dualies sitting across the road in our “used” lot that sticks out like a big yellow sore thumb in that sea of green.  I’m thinking that the Cat might be a suitable candidate for escalation, but I don’t think “going there” is a good idea for multiple reasons:  Mostly because there’s no good place on-site to hide it so I’d have to take it off-site to make the gag work, and that’s awfully damn close to THEFT for me to be comfortable.