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Amateur Crimefighting On The Rise? December 28, 2008

Posted by Edward von Bear in Crime, Ducks, Family, Food, Heroes, History, Law, Lurkers, Man Laws, Movies, News, Personal Experiences, Philosophy, Sports, Terrorist Hemorrhoids.
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Attention hardcore crimefighters! Your ranks are under attack. By more thugs? No. The police? Hardly. The real threat to white hot crimefighting thugs comes from dilution of the ranks by amateurs. And their amateur status is reflecting poorly on serious heroes everywhere.

Take, for instance, Mr. Invisible. Insurance salesman by day, mockery of crimefighting by night.

“After months of designing my costume, getting my street moves just right, it was my first week out as a Real Life Superhero – and probably my last. This tiny, tiny girl did not like me trying to calm down her screaming boyfriend. She blindsided me, I’m still bruised. It’s dangerous out there,” said the deflated would-be crime fighter last week.

Mr Invisible is cheered that at least his grey one-piece “invisibility suit” works, proven when a drunk urinated on him in an alley. But he is weary of lurking in dark, down-town Los Angeles after dark.

The 29-year-old graduate is “refocusing” on his day job as an insurance salesman. His farewell appearance will be at a New Year’s Eve party.

Loser.

But at least Citizen Prime is on the case, and he will look sexy while doing so.

“This is a more serious business than it looks,” said Citizen Prime, whose $4,000 (£2,700) costume disguises an Arizona businessman and father of a toddler who thinks his cape, mask and stun-gun are cool.

Prime patrols some of the most dangerous streets in Phoenix but, like most Reals, is reluctant to speak about the villains he has dispatched with a blow from his martial arts-honed forearm. He does admit helping a motorist change a flat tyre.

“Kids love the costume, so I seek to keep them out of the gangs today rather than take them on tomorrow,” said Prime who, at 41, regards himself as on the mature wing of the Real community.

He is worried about lunatics and hotheads. He says he would never act like the Black Monday Society in Salt Lake City who interrupt drug deals in public parks and face off against armed thugs.

So, old-school crimefighters, the spandex gauntlet has been thrown down in challenge by a new breed. Will you pick it up?