Attention

Attention February 12, 2007

Posted by daveintexas in Ducks.
trackback

I have just made the perfect martini.

Oh yes, I have.

UPDATE: I made another one.

Oh yeah.

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: Bartender, set em up again. I’ll just sip on a couple of these and re-read the dialog between Lipstick and KC.

Comments

1. BrewFan - February 12, 2007: Here’s my recipe for the perfect martini:

Pour 4 oz of Valu-Rite Gin into a martini glass.
Wave the Vermouth bottle in front of the martini glass three times.

Drink & Enjoy.
2. daveintexas - February 12, 2007: Hold the shaker in front of Enrico val Dioncini, the inventor of vermouth.

You want a taste.
3. Wickedpinto - February 12, 2007: 2 hundred. . .and 40 dollars. . . .oh yeah uh worth-o-pudding.
4. Wickedpinto - February 12, 2007: A martini? ehhh! I wanna dip my balls in it!
5. daveintexas - February 12, 2007: then you can drink it.

I’ll make another.
6. Wickedpinto - February 12, 2007: My balls sweat ambrosia.
7. compos mentis - February 12, 2007: Why am I not surprised to find that upon the rare occasion I check out what’s going on in this neck of the woods late of an evening, i find Dave getting schnockered and Wickedpinto wanting to teabag Dave’s martini. Perfect.
8. Sobek - February 13, 2007: The perfect martini:

Open a bottle of Dr. Pepper.
Drink the Dr. Pepper.
Mmmmmm…
9. Dave in Texas - February 13, 2007: Miss Buzzkill over there on the penguin thread will probably feel the need to tell you there’s no period after the Dr in Dr Pepper.
10. Pupster - February 13, 2007: Olive? Twist? Inquiring minds want to ~~live vicariously~~ know…
11. Dave in Texas - February 13, 2007: Two medium small olives. No more than that, otherwise it’s a little too salty.
12. pajama momma - February 13, 2007: Am I pathetic if I’ve never had a martini? I really don’t do hard alcohol well after a little “alcohol poisoning” incident my freshman year in high school and I’m scared to try anything hard now. Except a margarita.
13. Dave in Texas - February 13, 2007: No, at least I don’t think so. You sound sensible to me.

But I’m sober now, so take that into consideration.
14. pajama momma - February 13, 2007: Ok, I’ll talk to you later on tonight.
15. wiserbud - February 13, 2007: PJ, you may want to prepare yourself well in advance if you want to try a martini. First one is always a little tough, being pure alcohol and all.

But after a while, you get over that initial shudder and eventually begin to enjoy the taste.

My buddy drinks dirty martinis. That I could never get used to. Why not just drink from the toilet?
16. Retired Geezer - February 13, 2007: I don’t think anyone has said this yet:

“Martini’s are like ~~wimmin’s~~ a woman’s breast, one is not enough but 3 is too much.”

Who originated that quote?
17. Retired Geezer - February 13, 2007: Random Thought:
I should start a new moronblog called,

“What’s With All The Pillows?”

Every Guy would understand that statement.
Of course I wouldn’t have anything to say on that blog either.

Sad really.
18. Rightwingsparkle - February 13, 2007: dave in Texas,

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I wish you were my Dad.

I could use a martini and some chocolate.
19. Dave in Texas - February 13, 2007: geezer, was it Dean Martin?

RWS, that’s so funny, I was wishing that myself this past Saturday night. What a coincidence.
20. pajama momma - February 13, 2007: What’s a dirty martini?
That’s the problem, the initial shudder when one drinks hard alcohol. My whole body pretty much goes into convulsions and I feel the burn all the way up into my nose. Not pleasant.

Beer is just so much smoother. I think I’ll stick with my Newcastle. I only need one to get a really good buzz going. Shhh, don’t tell anyone. I prefer my image to be that of a lush.
21. compos mentis - February 13, 2007: Newcastle’s good stuff.

I’m not much for gin or vodka. I prefer the smooth taste and buzz of a really good bourbon, neat.

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I wish you were my Dad. My, my, my said the spider to the fly . . .
22. Dave in Texas - February 13, 2007: dirty martini = you add a little olive juice
23. Dave in Texas - February 13, 2007: and give me a fookin Newcastle!!!!

I actually heard a guy say this in London.
24. Little River Bart - February 13, 2007: You can pretend that you don’t like this song.

It won’t work. You like it. I know it, you know it, we know it.
25. compos mentis - February 13, 2007: Yep, that’s a good one LRB.
26. BrewFan - February 13, 2007: I just bought a 250gb external harddrive and am ripping all my CD’s to it. So far I have 40 ripped. Why am I doing this, you ask? I set Media Player to shuffle and its like the ultimate radio station; uninterrupted music for hours at a time and I know I’m going to like every song. Sweet.
27. compos mentis - February 13, 2007: Did your granddaughter finally teach you how to use the pc Brew?
28. Dave in Texas - February 13, 2007: The clapping in the video is absolutely retarded.

Good 70s set though. Nice hair. The clothes. Yeesh.

Cool Fender Toranado.

Huh. Left handed bass player and lefty on rhythm guitar. Don’t see that every day.

Other than that I’ve always hated this f’n’ song.
29. compos mentis - February 13, 2007: It’s Cool Change I can’t stand. Damned hippie song.
30. BrewFan - February 13, 2007: Did your granddaughter finally teach you how to use the pc Brew?

She’s two years old so she has to dumb it down a little but yeah, she’s trying.
31. Retired Geezer - February 13, 2007: Loved LRB when they first appeared. Great vocals and harmonies. Excellent sound.
They actually came to the Spud State a couple of years ago and played the county fair. Pissed me off that the Only song they didn’t play was my favorite…
Long Way There.

The soundman said they just got sick of playing it.

Great song and Smooooth Guitar work in the solo.
They did a really slow version of Night Owl. I liked the fast version better. I’m going to listen to it now.

I think ~~Glenn Shorrack~~ and Beeb Birtles were Christians, I had a Christian album of theirs (still do?). Nope, I take that back, it was Graham Gobles and Beeb Birtles.
32. Timmy - February 13, 2007: Gobbles? Gobbles!
33. Bart - February 13, 2007: Mark Farner, of some band I can’t remember, also was born-again.

Farner or Varner?
34. kevlarchick - February 13, 2007: I drank a Bloody Mary once that had a jalapeno stuffed olive in it. Talk about Fire in the Belly.

How I longed for a celery stalk that day!
35. compos mentis - February 13, 2007: Is celery stalk a euphemism?
36. Retired Geezer - February 13, 2007: Mark Farner,

Of the top of my head, I think it was Grand Funk Railroad.
37. Retired Geezer - February 13, 2007: Is celery stalk a euphemism?

Compos, lol
38. Bart - February 13, 2007: Euphemism?

I think someone just created another category.
39. kevlarchick - February 13, 2007: Compos dear. I had plenty of euphemism that night. No worries there.
40. BrewFan - February 13, 2007: Only at IB can euphemism become a euphemism for sex.
41. Lipstick - February 13, 2007: KC, I sent you an email (finally).
42. compos mentis - February 13, 2007: Sweet.
43. skinbad - February 13, 2007: Easy on the euphemism business. I’d rather not think of Dave’s salty olives, thank you very much.
44. Lipstick - February 13, 2007: That’s right. We’re gonna have a drinkee. Or three.
45. skinbad - February 13, 2007: (small) salty olives
46. Lipstick - February 13, 2007: Dang, I was replying to compos, not skinbad.
47. BrewFan - February 13, 2007: We’re gonna have a drinkee

Is that a euphemism?
48. Lipstick - February 13, 2007: You wish.
49. Bart - February 13, 2007: Make that one salty olive, skinny.

I do believe that dave had one of his olives removed about ten years ago.
50. kevlarchick - February 13, 2007: Should we tell them, Lipstick? About our clandestine rendezvous?
51. Dave in Texas - February 13, 2007: Bart, I heard a comedian talking about having one removed, and found out they make prosthetic nuts. Doc gave him the option of putting it in or just leaving the one. Asked him before the surgery if he wanted to see it, so the nurse threw it over to the doc.

Doc said “this one’s too big”.

Nurse: “that’s the smallest one they make”
52. Lipstick - February 13, 2007: Or should we just torture them with vague hints, KC? heheheheeee
53. kevlarchick - February 13, 2007: Don’t worry Lipstick. We’ll be together soon…..
54. Lipstick - February 13, 2007: I yearn for the day….or night….
55. Dave in Texas - February 13, 2007: *groan*

I’m going to go splash some cold water in my shorts now.
56. BrewFan - February 13, 2007: IB’s Best.Thread.Ever.
57. Lipstick - February 13, 2007: Going to lunch now.

I’ll miss you, KC
58. kevlarchick - February 13, 2007: I’ll be waiting for you…
59. Pupster - February 13, 2007: Thanks Nancy!
60. compos mentis - February 13, 2007: Going to lunch now.

Is that a euphe . . . never mind.
61. Wickedpinto's head - February 13, 2007: POP!
62. sandy burger - February 13, 2007: Martinis taste like nasty chemicals to me. Must be an acquired taste.

Retired Geezer, if I ever qualified for a “man card”, it would probably get revoked for this, but I have to admit that I love pillows. I can’t get enough of them. When I see a bunch of pillows on a couch or a bed, or on the floor, or wherever, it just says comfort. I am a man who appreciates luxurious throw pillows.
63. Dave in Texas - February 13, 2007: Hammer, meet left thumb.

BAM!

* wave of pain, nausea *

ok, I’m ok now.
64. kevlarchick - February 13, 2007: Sandy, you can meet up with Lipstick and me. We like pillow fights.
65. wiserbud - February 13, 2007: LESBIAN PILLOW-FIGHTING 3-SOME!!!!

Mmm, mmm. Happy Valentine’s Day from the ladies of IB!
66. sandy burger - February 13, 2007: Damn it, I’m no Rosetta.

As for prosthetic nuts, I think they’re called neuticles. People get ’em for their dogs after they’ve been “fixed” (a very cruel euphemism).
67. Retired Geezer - February 13, 2007: I think they’re called neuticles.

Sooo, if the dog were a Pirate, they would be Nauticle neuticles?

Hey Dave, is the spa hot yet?
68. Dave in Texas - February 13, 2007: My favorite Far Side cartoon, a dog in the back seat of a car, talking to another dog outside,

“And after we go to the post office, we’re gonna go to the vet so I can get tutored”.

See? I’m not the least bit distracted by KC and Lipstick’s girl pillow fight banter.

Nope. Not at all. Uh uh.
69. wiserbud - February 13, 2007: Damn it, I’m no Rosetta.

Sorry about that, dude. I just got confused by the fluffy pillow and Condi Rice obsession.

Won’t happen again.
70. Michael - February 13, 2007: My mom’s nickname was Sandy. Maybe that’s why I think of Sandy Burger as a mother.
71. Retired Geezer - February 13, 2007: I’ll pass on the multiple pillow fetish but I wish Condi was running for VP.
72. Don Carne - February 13, 2007: Martinis are nasty. Shnapps, on the other hand…
73. Wickedpinto - February 13, 2007: in oki, I had the best roommates.

We all liked different licquor so noone drank my scotch, or petes gin, or kings piss beer. Same with our friend lou who was vodka.

I love when things like that happen. Then again, the way we drank licquor the bottles would last more than a month. get drunk on beer, chill with licquor.
74. geoff - February 13, 2007: Damn it, I’m no Rosetta.

Ixnay on the enial-day, Sandy. Just go with it.

And take pictures.
75. Rosetta - February 13, 2007: Damn it, I’m no Rosetta.

Do you think you can hide from me here?

*pulls out shotgun*
76. Rosetta - February 13, 2007: How do you do italics on this bastard blog?
77. Rosetta - February 13, 2007: So was this the plan? When AoSHQ breaks down everyone comes over here?

I will assume that my copy of that memo was lost in the mail.

Haarrrumph!
78. Lipstick - February 13, 2007: We’re like one of those nightclubs with no listed phone number.

Welcome!
79. skinbad - February 13, 2007: The memo went out to all male lesbians and you showed up. Your motion to “haarrumph!” is denied.
80. kevlarchick - February 13, 2007: Rosetta Of The Manly Stones! What’s up dog?

And what’s the password?

*holds pillows in Ear Boxing position*
81. Michael - February 13, 2007: How do you do italics on this bastard blog?

See, Rosetta, you do that with HTML tags, just like in the Old Comments Thingy at AOSHQ.

Shoot me an email if you need a copy of my Commenting For Retards brochure.
82. Rosetta - February 13, 2007: Commenting For Retards

Do you have anything more basic than that? I finally figured out how to do everything at ace’s and then he goes out of business. Typical.

So…like are you guys all drunk already?

Rosetta Of The Manly Stones! What’s up dog?
Thanks for making me feel butch, Kevlarchick.

What time do the strippers show up?
83. Dave in Texas - February 13, 2007: the Rosetta Stone.

hehehehe
84. Dave in Texas - February 13, 2007: I find that humorous after the first martini.
85. kevlarchick - February 13, 2007: No password for you, Junior. We don’t allow *outside* strippers up in here.

Sandy, give me a pillow….sandy, c’mon…..dude! Share the fucking pillows you greedy bastard!
86. Michael - February 13, 2007: Tell you what, Rosetta. I’ll give you a password, but you have to pinky swear that you won’t tell Tushar about this site. If he shows up, all pretence of exclusivity around here is going to go down the drain.
87. geoff - February 13, 2007: If he shows up, all pretence* of exclusivity around here is going to go down the drain.

Isn’t Bart already posting here?

*Had to quote your comment before you corrected your typo.
88. Dave in Texas - February 13, 2007: Bring on Rosetta and Bartressa.

I like em.
89. Rosetta - February 13, 2007: I like getting Tushar fired by linking stuff that’s not safe for work and then not telling him so I will be disappointed that I won’t be able to do that to him here as well but, so be it.

What do I need a password for? Is there a section of this site that’s adults only or something?

I don’t really care about seeing wiserbud and JackStraw wrestle naked again.
90. Dave in Texas - February 13, 2007: So you can post dude.

Be a stupid blogger.

I’m a stupid blogger, I recognize us.
91. Dave in Texas - February 13, 2007: and I for one, welcome a co-blogging commenter,

who has had the courage, the courage in his life, to embrace that he is a man-lesbian.

how many of us could do the same? not me.

not me.
92. mesablue - February 13, 2007: Not fair. I had to start my own blog.

Bastages.

Anyway, a perfect martini is Sapphire shaken violently so the little ice crystals form a perfect 1 micron thick layer on the surface. No vermouth. Never.
93. Rosetta - February 13, 2007: Does Dave in Texas have a ride home? I don’t think he can drive.

I think I would be good at posting crap and would feel honored. Is there a rule book I need to read first?

I don’t know how to do anything except make stupid comments at this point.

I’m assuming posting hard-core farm porn is out?
94. Retired Geezer - February 13, 2007: I’m assuming posting hard-core farm porn is out?

We don’t want to offend the ~~Utes~~ Youths at Camp Geezer.
95. Michael - February 13, 2007: What do I need a password for? Is there a section of this site that’s adults only or something?

Yes. It’s where we post all the pictures of our orgies. Don’t bother looking; you won’t find it. We only admit individuals who have been found worthy after serving honorably as Probationary IB Commenters.
96. Rosetta - February 13, 2007: No vermouth. Never.>/i>

measblue,

Winston Churchill said that the perfect dry martini is made by glancing at the vermouth bottle briefly while pouring the gin freely.
97. geoff - February 13, 2007: Need a leetle more work on those closing tags, Sparky.
98. Michael - February 13, 2007: Isn’t Bart already posting here?

Yes, and Wiserbud, to our eternal shame. But we still have a shred of dignity left, which will be lost if the likes of JackStraw and Tushar show up.

Once, I had a dream that Innocent Bystanders would be a dignified forum for erudite commentary on matters of public importance. Now, I’m posting on corkscrew pig schlongs. Please, people, allow me to retain what little self respect that I have left.
99. Retired Geezer - February 13, 2007: Dave forced my hand.

Ass Kicking Sour Apple Martini’s
3 parts Vodka (Val-u-Rite of course)
2 parts dekuyper’s Sour Apple Pucker (Schnapps)
few drops of Vermouth (or not)

Lemon Drop
4 parts Vodka
3 parts Triple Sec
2 parts fresh squeezed lemon juice
Shake with crushed ice, strain into glass, garnish with ~~Mrs.~~ lemon Peel.
100. Retired Geezer - February 13, 2007: Hey boss, check the spam bucket please.
101. Rosetta - February 13, 2007: Need a leetle more work on those closing tags, Sparky.

I’m just learning this prehistoric code crap for the first time tonight so cut me some slack, geoff! It’s like a foreign language.

How much extra was it for the italics button? Can we start a fund raiser?
102. Michael - February 13, 2007: Hey boss, check the spam bucket please.

Yup, you were in there with a zillion phentermine ads. I’ll bump your comment.
103. Retired Geezer - February 13, 2007: Rosetta needs to read the About section to find out just what the heck we stand for.

He also needs to commit to making at least one comment per week at the Best Ever Video Post at IB
104. Dave in Texas - February 13, 2007: mesablue writes great shit and he’d be a gonzo contributor too.

he has a fabulous haircut.
105. Retired Geezer - February 13, 2007: he has a fabulous haircut.

But is he Clean *and* Articulate?
106. mesablue - February 13, 2007: he has a fabulous haircut.

#3, baby.

RG, I bathe daily.
107. mesablue - February 13, 2007: I don’t need the keys yet, I’m still learning how to drive.

Blog rolling me would be nice, though, since I’m one of the 7 1/2 blogs that blog rolls IB.

Bastages.
108. Michael - February 13, 2007: Blog rolling me would be nice, though, since I’m one of the 7 1/2 blogs that blog rolls IB.

Done.

I am giving you a coveted position on the Innocent Bystanders Blogroll for three reasons.

1. You are a fan of Michigan football.

2. Geoff has quit blogging, so I can delete him to make room for you.

3. I actually read your blog, using the “Friend Surfers” feature on my dashboard.

4. I’ve been hitting the Jack, and I’m in a good mood.

I am listing these reasons in order of importance. If you were not a Michigan fan, I would not think twice about adding you to the blogroll.
109. Michael - February 13, 2007: I’m one of the 7 1/2 blogs that blog rolls IB.

I don’t really know how many sites have us blogrolled, but based on the hits I see, I would guess it’s about 25-30.

AOSHQ is not one of them, because you don’t get blogrolled there unless you ask.

I don’t ask. Ace’s blogroll is about a yard long and it is meaningless.
110. geoff - February 13, 2007: 2. Geoff has quit blogging, so I can delete him to make room for you.

Sigh.
111. daveintexas - February 13, 2007: mesa, I blogrolled you.

that can bag you 4 regulars and 3 really pissed off Swedes.

goodbye and good luck
112. Bart - February 13, 2007: Speaking of olives…

Rosetta, quick, how many olives do you have?
113. mesablue - February 13, 2007: Cool beans.

While I love the maize and blue, I wish I didn’t live just down the road from AA. I’m heading out to shovel right now in 6 degree weather so I don’t have to shovel as much first thing in the morning. Fun.
114. wiserbud - February 13, 2007: Yes, and Wiserbud, to our eternal shame.

What the…? What the hell did I ever do but show the utmost of respect for everyone here (well, everyone except Bart, but that’s just standard netiquette, from what I understand)? And this is the thanks I get?

Plus, the man-lesbian is offered the keys to this joint on his first visit. Meanwhile, I spend a year or so here, trying to bring a just little humor into your otherwise dull and pathetic lives and what do I get? Nothing. I mean, come on..cat blogging? updates on hot tubs? RECIPES

Geez, at least I didn’t need a Dummies Guide to HTML to make my comments format properly.

Ya know, with just a few more comments like this, I may just start spending more time at Kevlarchick’s blog or {shudder} Hot Air. You don’t want me to do that, do you? DO YOU?
115. Michael - February 13, 2007: I wish I didn’t live just down the road from AA.

I wonder sometimes how many people living in Ann Arbor understand the name.
116. Bart - February 13, 2007: Olive buster.

(By the way, I breathed life into this blog. Until I showed up, this place was tumbleweeds.)

(By the way, Wiser, you’re lucky to mentioned in the same sentence as Bart.)
117. wiserbud - February 13, 2007: Pity from Bart. Great.

How low can I go?
118. Michael - February 13, 2007: Aw, jeez Wiserbud. Surely you know by now that being ridiculed here is a sign of love.

But, I grok that you are feeling neglected.

So, c’mon. Give me a big hug. That’s right, I want a big hug from you. Right now.

[Just ignore the pelvic rubbing. That is totally incidental.]
119. Lipstick - February 13, 2007: Wiserbud has a good point. He’s been here a long time and he’s funny as hell.
120. Bart - February 13, 2007: I never really liked Grand Funk Railroad.

I have to say, though, this song is a timeless classic.
121. wiserbud - February 13, 2007: Thank you, Lipstick. At least someone recognizes my contributions.

I ♥ you.

Michael, I could never stay mad at you. C’mere, ya big lug.

Hey, is that a crayon in your pocket?
122. Lipstick - February 14, 2007: *blush*
123. Bart - February 14, 2007: Hey, morons, I’m trying to remember a song from the ’70s.

I know it has the lyric “Chevy” in it. No, it’s not American Pie. Help me out here.

Speaking of America,

Well I tried to make it sunday, but I got so damn depressed
That I set my sights on monday and I got myself undressed
124. Bart - February 14, 2007: Hippies sing pretty.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to post any Bread.
125. wiserbud - February 14, 2007: Is it about making love in a Chevy Van?
126. Michael - February 14, 2007: Bart, you have done it again. Amidst all your lame YouTubes, you have dredged up a genuine classic.

Your are going to the Main Page!
127. wiserbud - February 14, 2007: I saw America play at a festival once. My buddy and I were drunk and we kept yelling “Horse With No Name!” over and over. Even after they played it, we just kept yelling it out after each song.

We got some pretty strange looks, but we thought it was funny as hell.
128. Lipstick - February 14, 2007: I want to see a video of “Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road”.
129. Lipstick - February 14, 2007: That’s funny, in May I’m going to see America in Malibu. A college girlfriends reunion.
130. Bart - February 14, 2007: I got it!

(Wait. What lame youtubes? Today I gave you Little River Band’s Lady. Lady, dammit.)

Anyway, sorry, it wasn’t Chevy, it was flatbed Ford. Do you know the song now? It has one of the best opening lyrics…

Well, I’m running down the road trying to loosen my load, I’ve got seven women on my mind.
Four that wanna own me, two that wanna stone me, one says she’s a friend of mine.
131. Michael - February 14, 2007: My buddy and I were drunk and we kept yelling “Horse With No Name!” over and over.

That right there is why you are not getting the password to the IB Secret Site™ where we post our orgy photos with the IB Wimmens. We just don’t need the embarassment.
132. geoff - February 14, 2007: I’m just learning this prehistoric code crap for the first time tonight so cut me some slack, geoff! It’s like a foreign language.

This Fifth Element quote seemed appropriate:

Vito Cornelius: It’s not some bizarre language – it’s the divine language, spoken throughout the universe before time was time. Er… He’s a she!
133. wiserbud - February 14, 2007: That right there is why you are not getting the password to the IB Secret Site™ where we post our orgy photos with the IB Wimmens.

I always knew that my wild past would catch up me some day. Considering you reasoning, I guess I can’t really argue with your decision.

Besides, I’m sure the any photos that you will get from the man-lesbian, midget/ottoman fetishist are going to be a lot more interesting than anything boring old me could offer.
134. Dave in Texas - February 14, 2007: Well, I’m running down the road trying to loosen my load

They have medication for that you know. You don’t have to run down the road.
135. Wickedpinto - February 14, 2007: Wheres compos on that one?

Though I guess he was trying to NOT loosen his load.
136. compos mentis - February 14, 2007: Come to think of it, I would have been better off just shitting my shorts on the sidelines in my lawnchair. Oh well, hind sight is always 20/20.
137. Ralph Wiggum - July 6, 2007: compost menti kills a lot of threads, doesn’t he?