Dave in Texas for President! January 25, 2008
Posted by Michael in Politics.trackback
In a thread below, it has been moved and seconded that Dave in Texas be nominated by the Republican Party to serve as the next President of the United States of America.
This is a somber moment. We should all pause to reflect on this historic occasion.
I believe the IB Community should seriously consider various aspects of this proposal. For example:
WHAT ARE DAVE’S QUALIFICATIONS FOR THE JOB?
So, off the top of my head, I would say . . .
. . .
Lemme think.
. . .
1. The current candidates all suck.
2. More than Dave.
WHAT PLATFORM SHOULD DAVE RUN ON?
Based on Dave’s previous pronouncements, we have a running start here on a strong platform:
1. Pie is good.
2. Sammiches are good.
3. Other stuff, like America should defend its sovereignty by controlling its borders, nanny-state liberalism should be shunned in favor of limited government, judges should respect the actual text of the constitution, the War on Terror should be won, and similar boring opinions that nobody gives a rat’s ass about but will give him something to say during the campaign after he takes a stand on pie and sammiches.
IS DAVE ELECTABLE?
See, there are some serious issues in this regard.
1. Sketchy academic record.
2. Paraffin waxer.
3. Associates with people like us.
4. Threatened to kill a cute beagle puppy.
5. Deviates from pure Lutheran theology.
Still, with a strong platform, and considering the suckitudinous gaggle of candidates we currently have, Dave may be able to overcome these negatives. Especially because chicks like him.
Well, they like him more than me.
*Michael grinds teeth*
What do you think?
I say: DRAFT DAVE FOR PRESIDENT!!!
UPDATE: I forgot to mention another of Dave’s credentials. He already owns a sound rig that can handle any campaign event. So that’s something to consider.
Comments
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Innocent Bystanders 
Mr. In Texas:
Have you at any time taken money from George Soros? Has any member of your campaign staff done so?
No?
Okey Dokey then.
I’d vote for him.
I mean, seeing as how there’s no one else worthy.
His campaign posters could have his photo in a leather jacket. That would deliver the gay vote.
He could throw a pool party to raise money!
White House Chili Cook Off!
A pool in every back yard!
Gonna have to do something about that bass playing thing, though.
There’s already one in the race and bass players never win.
Michael = George Soros.
Dave, just think, if you are President, YOU can to thermostat to whatever you want, and nobody can do a thing about it.
He’ll be the first president to kibitz his Secret Service detail on speed and grouping, and he’ll also force all the branches of the Armed Services to give up the 9mm Euro-pellet in favor of the 45.
Comprehensive Thermostat Reform.
you people crack me up.
Ok. Here’s my platform:
Media: If you ask me a stupid fucking question, I will leap over the dais and chew out your fucking heart, and hold it in my hand while your eyes dim.
Republican Party: You ignore this at your peril. I was right there with Ronnie on the canal.
Democrat Party: Pelosi’s bowels will erupt like compos mentis at a soccer duel. Cast her aside. Harry too. McCain too.
Ron Paul: Your legions of morons have found a new moron. Fuck you.
John Edwards: I got all my hair too bitch. When we debate, I’m gonna walk across the stage and bitchslap you. And you’ll just cry. Cause I’m packin.
Dennis Kucinich: I proudly bear the next deluded candidate label. Well played sir.
J-Mac: I’m on you like a fat woman on a toilet. It’s on biatch.
America: I love you.
World: If I get pie I’m pretty much in a good mood. If I don’t get pie, my finger’s on the button and you ain’t gonna like Monday.
dave out
If you want my vote, you’ll have to promise to make Mike Griffin Dictator-for-Life of NASA.
I want to be head choreographer of the White House Cheerleading Squad.
-what?
The White House doesn’t have a cheerleading squad?
It do NOW, biznatchez!
#10 Will–
There was a Charles McCarry spy novel a while back that included a president–a rather Romneyesque president in most other respects–who insisted that every member of his secret service detail was able to shoot better than he could.
I’ve always liked that idea.
Dave already has an amp that can handle any campaign event, so that’s something.
See-Dubya,
Makes sense to me. Why should the President be the one having to extract his Detail from a firefight?
do I have to wear a tie?
I was kinda liking not having to do that.
only if we can get Shirley Manson to play the inaugural. otherwise, it’s proly biz casual.
That’s it! I’m back in.
Will there be a rose garden wedding? All the romantics would go for that.
I want to be Official White House Crime-fighting Dog Walker.
Me and Moses will chill with the Joint Chiefs.
rowr
I’m all in. I’ll just go back & scrub my speech for Fred & put Dave’s name in all the blank spots. But if I’m gonna be Dave’s head speechwriter for the campaign, I’m gonna need some post-election perks. Like “Secretary of Throwin’ Beatings at Dumbass Hippies” or something like that. And I’ll need a stylin’ ride while I’m in DC. I’m thinking a ’72 Plymouth Satellite coupe would be nice, but only if it’s got a 383 and a set of flames on the paint job.
Plus, the gub’mint pays for all my ammo. That’s non-negotiable.
deal
damn… the 383… 4 barrel, course?
Bored and stroked, headers, tuck and roll upholstry, and fuzzy dice hanging from the mirrors (he’s from Iowa afterall).
Only a syphilitic Cheesehead would hang fuzzy dice in a Satellite. The only proper ornamentation for a ride like that is the bowtie you swiped from the tux you wore to your senior prom.
I would like to be considered to run the White House Travel Office.
Of course, there will be minions to do the actual work, but I will personally inspect areas of the world you may travel to during your presidency.
Sheesh, you guys sound like Clintons.
You don’t have to fall in love Sobek.
Dave, it don’t matter if the engine’s got 2 bbl or 4 bbl carburetion. I’m gonna be “tweaking” it anyway……and when it’s done, it sure as hell isn’t going to pass the California Emissions Test.
Mrs. Peel in charge of the Dept of Ed – I can see it:
College Admissions based on Hit Points
SAT questions about Grand Admiral Thrawn….
Clintons? Clintons? *picks up custom-made axehandle, the one with PAINMAKER engraved on it, and tosses it around nervously*
Can I hit crocodiles too, Dave? They’re kindof like hippies. Cold blooded, scaly hippies with carrion breath, but if you squint your eyes really hard they almost look like David Crosby on a meth binge.
Sheesh, you guys sound like Clintons.
*Throws lamp at Sobek*
Hey I can make great apple pie and I bake good bread. Plus I need a good paying gig, what do you say Dave?
And now I love the Cowboys. I’ll need ammo so I can practice to maintain my 1″ groups at 300 yards to protect the Pie in Chief. SecDef sounds about right for career broadening experience. Buh bye Tehran. And can I get an executive order to eliminate WD, Rod Munch, and Tom?
Sheesh, you guys sound like Clintons.
Will we have to be worried about the stains in Russ’ back seat?
On second thoughts, WickedPinto would make an awesome Press Secretary. It would be a hoot when he will compare Helen Thomas to the Okinawa banana lady.
My new ride will be equipped with multiple dropcloths. Just in case.
Only a syphilitic Cheesehead would hang fuzzy dice in a Satellite. The only proper ornamentation for a ride like that is the bowtie you swiped from the tux you wore to your senior prom.
Ok. ok. The fuzzy dice was stretching it a bit. But would I be lying if I saidthis is what you corn-luvin’ Iowinians lust after?
UGH.
See how politics corrupts? One guy gets some power, and all the hangers-on come out of the woodwork looking for cushy jobs and perks.
*stands behind Dave with a clipboard, looking necessary*
Go on and tell them that they have to go home, Dave. Go on, now.
If it’s not asking too much, I would like to be Director of the Central Intelligence Agency.
Also, Commandant of the U.S. Coast Guard.
Also, Chairman of the National Endowment for the Arts.
With this portfolio, I would also like authorization to conquer Canada.
no, I feel like John McCain now Laura.
CIA, Coast Guard & the NEA?
Great, we can send a squad of Coasties armed with clarinets to invade Greenland by mistake.
(See how I involved all the relevant departments in that example? That’s some speechwritin’ gold there, fellas. And I’m just dropping it here for free.)
I just want to add that at that moment in time, that fuckin beagle deserved to die a horrible death.
Now that the wall has come down, we can negotiate.
You people crack me up.
Nighty night, all.
I’m sure that I’m a shoe-in for the post of Ambassador to China. Or Russia. Or both.
I’ll make John Bolton look like Richard Simmons.
Who will you have to tie up the loose shit?
Is Vinnie Falcone out of prison yet? He could do the job.
Scandis will have to go to “reeducation” camps.
What is your plan to handle “The Hobo Question”?
*drops clipboard*
But Dave! What about the high-pressure lemon juice? I’m supposed to brief the National Guard tomorrow!
*face twists in anger*
FINE. You’ve forced my hand, Dave.
I have some very unpleasant pictures to share should you decide to cross me again. Here’s a sample, just to get my point across.
*holds up 8×10 B&W of Hillary’s naked cankle being tongued by Alan Colmes*
The others are in color, man. Go ahead. Push me.
Remember TED SORENSON? He was a SPECAIL ADVICOR to KENEDY, a HISTRORIAN, and GOHSTWRITER for PROLIFES IN COURAGE. I could do that for PRESIDENT DAVE, but I need NERDY GLASSES. Ich bin ein BERLINER meant “I AM A PIE”.
lauraw and Dave, some lunatic is going apeshit on Stashiu3 in the D&D thread at Ace’s. I can’t quite tell what’s going on, because he’s so incoherent, but I think it has to do with Stash having been at Gitmo. I don’t know if you want to do anything about it, but there it is.
I’d like to be in charge of the new china.
*hands mallet and duct tape to Laura*
Oops! Don’t worry, Geoff. I meant dinnerware.
Mrs. Peel: yeah, I was reading all that too. WTF?
Stashiu3 worked in mental health at Gitmo. Seemed like a really nice, level-headed guy. I’m a think I’ll head over there.
It’s probably obvious to everyone here who isn’t running for president which one is the DD whateve thread at aces.
So which one is it?
I missed the original go ’round with Stashiu and the Drunk Guy, but read it tonight when he linked it. Seemed pretty tame, but this guy has totally lost his shit about it.
here Dave: http://minx.cc/?post=253078
oh shit
the “picture”.
Dammit, I knew this was what you were waiting for.
Ok, I can deal. I’m now the “sleazy conservative”.
You juke. I jive.
meh. stashiu held up just fine… he doesn’t need any back.
I dunno, that guy was just acting kinda nuts and I wasn’t sure if you wanted to check his IP or…
STASHIU! HE’S COMMENTING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!
On second thoughts, WickedPinto would make an awesome Press Secretary. It would be a hoot when he will compare Helen Thomas to the Okinawa banana lady.
I second Tushar’s suggestion. That would be priceless!
True enough. But Son of Pig needs a smack upside the head.
ok, time for bed. Catch you fellas on the flip side.
And now our favorite hunch/humpback is getting troll grief here: http://minx.cc/?post=253087
It’s like I’m not the only one drinking or something. WHO WANTS TO FIGHT?!
Dave, I can live with that platform.
Cuffy:
It seems the Rontards are mad that a skinhead is being mocked.
What a shock.
yeah, eddiebear—I’m debating whether to light him up or not (it’s late).
^That neo-nazi shit hits me a little close to home. Fuckers like that need to be driven to the ashtray of history.
I could go for some Roasted Paul-Nuts.
Dave, find a place for me in your administration.
Let’s see…
I type 24 words per minute..
I’m bad with words…
I have six kids, and not a lot of time…
I’m not willing to relocate…
I won’t take less than $200 grand a year.
This is a one time offer…Think about it and get back to me.
That reminds me, Mr. Lipstick will need a position too. He has 12 years in the Air Force, a black belt, and distrusts most people.
How about Head of Secret Service?
I wanna be in charge of Old People.
Or the dude in charge of testing Video Games.
Just as a reminder:
STASHIU! HE’S COMMENTING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!
If you heard cackling, that was me. Funny!
A picture of President Daves pool:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=509718&in_page_id=1770
And now I love the Cowboys
and they called me a flip flopper.
I’ve decided to assemble my cabinet.
Michael: All that shit he asked for. You get dental too
Russ: You have the secret service detail. No antique weapons
RG: Dept of the Interior. If we’re not strip-mining, oil-drilling and tree slashing in 3 weeks I’ll find somebody else. Get busy.
Lipstick Dynamite: What was it, Travel Office? Ok, but would you mind taking Ag and Commerce too? Hire a few people. Mr. D is now my Sec. in the newly formed Department of Kicking Ass.
Nice Deb: Would you relocate for 250? I can’t have you typing halfway across the country.
Kevlarchick: We’ll have to come up with a job title, but I want all the zoos shut down within 60 days. Release the critters in Manhatten. Don’t feed em either, I want them in a bad mood. Also, may I have a sammich please?
Sobek:
…
I’ll get back to you. Stay loose, keep your head on a swivel.
Mesa: I need an assassin? You interested in the job? Your first target is codeword Mark Shucklebee. Use extreme predjudice.
Tushar gets Treasury because he produced results last year. I expect that kind of GDP performance for the next 8 quarters. Take vitamins or something.
Mrs. Peel: Go kick Mike Griffin into the street, have them throw his desk in the parking lot and set it on fire. You’re in charge now, and we better put somebody’s ass on Mars by Labor Day or you’re going to get a serious talking too missy. Also, make Pluto a planet again, that really pissed me off.
See-Dub: Department of Redundancy Department.
Cuffy: State. Get a memo, send it to all those other countries, please take “you’re either with us or you’re against us” and replace it with “you’re either kissing our ass or you’re waking up on the wrong side of the dirt tomorrow”. Punch it up a little. Put in some jokes.
LauraW: National Security Advisor and that cheerleading thing. Put together a uniform budget for the girls. I trust you (lemme know if you need a catalog). Also tell those bitches at Langeley they’re on a “zero tolerance for anymore fuckups” policy starting last week. Tired of that shit.
eddie: Dept. of Transportation. It’s cushy, don’t sweat the details.
geoff: I’m gonna need some graphs. You know what to do.
Brewfan: You’re the new baseball commissioner. If anybody tells you the President can’t do that, kick their ass and laugh at them and tell them “oh yeah??”
Patty: China and Rose Garden weddings. Also do something with this dinnerware, it sucks.
Mr. M: DoD. Get with the military industrial complex and tell them I want a really big tank, none of that pussy M1A1 shit anymore. Also stir up some shit with Syria I hate that little Bashar cocksucker. I want him pissing his serape by next week.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask instead if there’s any smoked turkey with bacon in the hizzle. And pie.
And put Mr. Lipstick as bodyguard over all the White House chicks. He needs to hover menacingly and allow us to gaze at his….black belt.
He will take good care of your daughters, Dave.
Upon further review Barry Bonds has 12 career home runs. Book it, Bud.
That is all.
Oh great.
I get to be the Junior Vice Deputy Assistant Undersecretary for Graphs.
Again.
transport?cool!!!11! I get to yell at truckers!
Teh awesum!!
Beginning with the 2008 season, the Chicago Cubs will be moved to the Pacific Coast League and will remain there until they win the AAA World Series.
The Foo Fighters are gonna be in town tonight. Thinking about going and seeing them. Or maybe i’ll just go see Rambo instead.
Oh and thanks to a malfunctioning red light and a fully functioning traffic camera i expect to find a nice big fat ticket in my mailbox in a few days.
I was on my way to work and i pulled up to a red light. I sat through three changes of the regular red light but the turn signal light would not change. So i went. What else could i do?
This isnt the first time that ive had to do this at this light but it is the first time since theyve had the new cameras installed.
Hopefully when i go to court i can argue that if they look at the photos they can see that the light was fucked up. And if they dont have the photos that show this i dont really see how they can still have the photo that shows me running the light.
Theyre still going to fuck me on this im sure.
I’m kind of late to the party with this, but Mr. President Dave? Sir? If you could see your way clear to appointing me to head up the department in charge of my three favorite things, I will not disappoint.
Director of The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.
Thanks.
Ok Pups, but let’s make it Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Hemis.
That last one feels underappreciated to me.
eddie: As SecTrans I need you to fix drs ticket and do something about that goddamn light.
Hey, thanks for Canada! I won’t let you down, sir.
Don’t forget to put Amish in charge of the White House Office for Minority Outreach.
A couple more suggestions:
Muslihoon should get HUD so he can help people get their own house.
Mesablue should get Dep’t of Labor so he can help people get a job.
Both can lead by example.
Oh, and you’ll need a White House Chef, so that should take care of Wickedpinto. It will also keep Laura’s cheerleading team busy in their spare time.
I should say: Funny post, Michael. And funny response, Dave.
275….
I was thinking I could be your speech writer.
No more of this “Compassionate Conservatism”, and “new tone”.
The Dems are going to have to get used to being called commies.
Oops, I forgot that Mesa is already the official White House Assassin.
Mesa, if you are looking for targets, may I suggest an assignment with the code name “Jim Tressel”? You would be performing a great service for your country, your President, and God.
I get to be the Junior Vice Deputy Assistant Undersecretary for Graphs.
Well, ok. How about Associate Vice Deputy Assistant Undersecretary for Graphs then? That’s gotta be, what, GS-12 at least.
Plus we got a 401k.
Nice Deb… I like it. Put a memo out for the stylebook though, the word “commie” must always be prefaced with adjectives. I’m thinking “dirty, filthy or stinkin” but run with it. I got things to do, and you’re a self starter.
DinT is One. Funny. Dude.
And so are the rest of you morons, including Michael.
We need to form a search committee to find the appropriate individuals and chairman to staff a search committee, whose job in turn will be to find Monty and make him comment at IB.
Almost forgot, make Dex a spy or something.
Dex is a good hider.
That’s gotta be, what, GS-12 at least.
You mean you can get paid for making graphs? I’m in.
Dude, small potatas. You’re gonna be rolling in dough when you become a graph lobbyist.
not THAT good….
I am so excited. I’ve already found the new casual dinnerplates.
Oh, and I’m going to need an assistant so I’d like PajamaMomma be my chinette. (Recycling? Who needs that? Landfill? Who cares?)
BTW-wickedpinto’s brother just gave him a new, awesome chef’s knife that is bigger than normal so it fits his hand and has a perfect balance point and is stainless, so he should be good to go. True story.
I’ve already found the new casual dinnerplates.
No Star Trek plates?
What a rip-off.
Can he kill with that knife? We can make him White House Ninja Chef.
There’s gonna be lots of people who need em some killin in a Dave in Texas administration.
Ooooh, I like those, geoff. They can be the fancy-schmancy foreign dinners dinnerware. What? That’s real gold around the edges…
“White House Ninja Chef” He’s gonna love that title.
State, huh?
Well first off, no more calling it “Foggy Bottom” — too homo (NTTAWWT).
Second, new diplomatic protocol: “America, Fuck Yeah” is to replace “Hail to the Chief.” This includes events like disembarking Air Force One, SOTU speeches, lighting the Crap Tree and the Easter Egg roll. President must sing along.
“Can he kill with that knife?”
He’s a Marine.
Cuffy, when do they play Apache?
That’s VP Edwards’ song.
What? Y’all didn’t hear that Edwards’ “kingmaker” status would get parlayed into a slot on Dave’s ticket? Ahhh, politics.
Sir, may I also suggest that Bart be appointed as the Surgeon General of the United States? You could rename it the Barber General so doctors don’t get pissed off.
I further note that Sobek is still patiently awaiting a job, and DOJ is crying out for leadership with a reptilian approach to law enforcement.
Harrison is the natural choice for Official White House Photographer. I propose that he should be primarily tasked to take “candid” shots of the White House Cheerleading Team for circulation within the Administration.
Dave’s antagonist Ted Rall cartoonist?
With more practice on Tippy Turtle and Sam the Pirate mail-in art school tests: Winston.
GLAR, Cuffy. Don’t forget the little deer.
Can you draw this Pirate?
BTW Cuffy at #53 was the best Spurwing impression I’ve seen.
Needless to say, Ace is everything we could possibly want for the White House Press Secretary.
I’m in. I’ll vote for Dave. But only if he promises to wear a leather jacket and speedos everyday.
I wanna be Ambassador to Belize.
I’ll ship you pies made with Belizian cashews instead of Texas pecans if you like — all you can eat — and top them off with my signature One Barrel Rum sauce.
Pie. Pies. Booze and Pies.
Promise.
Cathy’s in.
What? What the? Pirates get fucked in the ass in my administration.
I will tolerate no scurvy dogs when I’m in charge of the free world.
This is going to be the best administration evah!
Redundancy?
And again I say: redundancy?
Mr President,
Here is the plan of action to shore up the economy:
1. Ask China to stop sending their lead paint covered shit to America. Let their own kids suck lead toys.
2. All the US dollars China has accumulated are in the form of IOUs. From now on, they are good to buy any quantity of seawater they want off the Pacific coast. (Shipping not included). Can’t be used for anything else.
3. Open ANWR, Utah and Florida coast for drilling. Ask the Saudis to go suck-off a camel.
4. All those earmarks put in by congressmen? Not worth a penny unless the congressman cuts off his ear and attaches it to the bill. This will restrict all congressmen to just 2 earmarks in a lifetime.
Waiting for your approval.
Regards
Tushar D
Secretary of Treasury.
Mr. D, did you forget the windmills in Nantucket Sound?
Tushar, add #5:
Or else.
Mr. President?
When can we play “Let’s talk Pirate” again?
Last time we got interrupted…
Remember?
Yes Mr President.
Windmills in Nantucket Sound. And Senator Kennedy and VP Gore chained in front of it and asked to talk continuously. Well, they won’t have to be asked.
I hope I am not stepping on the Energy Secretary’s toes, Mr President.
arrrrr… batten down the mizzenmast and swab me deck.
(did I say that out loud?)
Oh great. Now that Dave’s a candidate, he thinks he can screw around with the blogroll.
(Hold your cursor over Geoff’s and Mr. Minority’s name.)
dude, I did that weeks before you went to Belize.
do you even read this blog anymore?
In 2008, the Milwaukee Brewers will test corked bats (the rest of MLB will be the control) to prove once and for all that Sammy Sosa is a stinkin’ cheater.
“Russ: You have the secret service detail. No antique weapons”
When you say “No Antique Weapons”, do you mean “nothing predating 1898 (official BATF definition of antique), or nothing predating the first Eisenhower administration? I’m assuming that the venerable Colt 1911 would be exempted from this rule?
I had originally planned to equip all the protective detail with nickel-plated S&W Hand Ejector revolvers in .32 S&W Long. They’re damn fine lookin’ guns, and since the new primary weapons of the detail will be the stainless lever action Marlin Guide Guns in .45-70, we won’t have to worry about the stopping power of the pistols. Face it, pistols are mostly ornamentation anyway. Real firepower comes from long guns.
(Don’t worry about the detail being out-gunned by terrorists. Every detail will have an A10 Warthog flying close air support 24/7, with thermobaric munitions on the racks. We can handle a Squeaky Fromme or a Hinckley with the detail, but anything more than that gets turned into crispy critters.)
Think of my protection style as less “In the Line of Fire” and more “Last 30 minutes of The Wild Bunch”, and you’ll be pretty close to reality.
I can live with that.
I better, or you’re fired.
Russ and Dave.
Weaponry talk is sexy.
Bet.
You.
Know.
It.
Hey, welcome home.
Here’s a freebie…
http://ace.mu.nu/archives/253154.php
[…] Presidential Nominee Dave in TX posted this yesterday at Ace’s. […]
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It’s about time to bake a Belizian Cashew Pie for Dave.
BatBear will help me.
Good luck in the debate tonight Dave.
did I win?
You’ll always be a winner to us, Dave.
You’ll always be a
winnerwiener to us, Dave.Fixed that spelling for you, harrison.
Is Dave still running!
He just might get my vote (=
He just might get my vote (=
Every time the One opens his mouth,
Dave’s chances for 2012 improve substantially.
*mebbe Geoff’l graph it*
Looking at the performance of Obama’s Cabinet, I can honestly say that Dave put together a more competent team.
*sigh*
On so many levels.