Lines Never Spoken May 21, 2007
Posted by skinbad in Commenting Tips, Sports.trackback
Rick Reilly writes the last page column in Sports Illustrated. He’s a good and often humorous writer. A recent column consisted of lines he says have never been used in the history of the world. Such as:
Shaq, you shoot the technical.
Please, Carl Lewis, will you favor us with another song?
So you’ll be going straight from work to the Raiders game?
No way the Yankees can afford him.
I wondered about lines never uttered at Innocent Bystanders.
- That treatment sounds kind of metrosexual to me. I’m worried about what the guys might say.
- Boy, that dude is one big-time Vegas performer. Don’t know a thing about him.
- I don’t think I’m going to renew that magazine. Beautiful Plants and Creative Profanity just isn’t me.
- I really want to make the smart vehicle purchase.
- I can’t thank my parents enough for the opportunity to play the clarinet. The cheerleaders all wanted a piece of my licorice stick. IYKWIMAITYD!
- This legal opinion is far too obtuse to write at great length about.
You know you can do better. So do.
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Innocent Bystanders 
Honey, I’m just camping overnight. One roll of toilet paper should be plenty.
That’s a nice hat. Does it come in a smaller size?
For full coverage of this topic, check out my updates at kevlarchick.wordpress.com
Let Wickedpinto drive.
Where’s the poolboy?
Hey, where’s my wife?
I think I screwed that up.
“This legal opinion is far too obtuse to write at great length about.”
HAH!
Michael, that song was awesome!
Interesting commentary over at Geoff’s place, but he could use a little more statistical analysis.
Pistons, Bulls. Eh. Who gives a rip.
#6 Yes! Can’t believe I missed that fat pitch.
Whew! That’s all the beer and pizza I can hold.
No thanks boys, I think I’ll just go home and cuddle with the wife.
Please, Nice Deb. No more pictures.
So Dave, what’s new with the pool?
You know, I think I speak for everyone here when I say I think it’s great that Dave is so popular with the IB ladies.
Hanging out in Las Vegas with Lipstick and Kevlarchick? I don’t know – not really my cup of tea, you know?
Go ahead and pull the trigger, Lipstick, if you’ve got the guts!
Laura, how about some more cat pictures?
Has anyone else noticed Ace’s site is running really smoothly recently?
Is Lutheranism a good religion?
I never hear enough about tubers.
You know, you call yourself Feisty, but I’m just not seein’ it.
I sure wish Sobek would update his blog.
“Good point Pupster, I’d never thought of it that way.”
“I miss Alessandra.”
“Michael, please explain that net neutrality issue again.”
“Michael, what’s your position on immigration?”
“Wow, that was moving. Have you written any other poems?”
“Hey WP, didn’t you serve in the Marine Corps?”
“Sure Compos. No problem. It’s the third door on the left down the hallway. The febreze is in the lower right hand drawer of the sink, if you need it.”
Man I can’t get enough of this cold weather!
I wish summer never came!
Hey Honey! Did you want me to pick up some tampons while I’m out?
“Why yes, Elder, I WOULD like to hear more!”
Pupster, darling, please take me car shopping.
I better not make that joke. It’s a bit too inside-ey.
Wait. They have music videos on YouTube now?
Sorry, but I don’t have time to read a post comparing 1970s rock bands to D&D monsters. I’m too busy training for my triathlon.
I don’t understand humor.
I’d be a lot more likely to make out with you if you lost the Princess Leia outfit.
What’s so funny about a fart?
You know it’s good because it’s French.
I used to think like that … until Jimmy Carter set me straight.
Michael, that Batman costume looks great.
Curse you, Louis Reard!
Okay, now we’re just being silly.
Muslihoon, maybe you should look into religion.
Can you believe how reasonable the Palestinians are being?
you people kill me.
Hey, so what was that whole “Pony” thing about anyway?
I can’t wait for Ace to give IB another open post weekend!
Anybody got a cute baby picture?
Rick Reilly sure was a standup guy to call Greg Raymer fat (“though a good 3 percent of that is muscle …”, and then chicken out when challenged to a racquetball game.
Rick Reilly is a modest guy and hesitant to write about stuff he doesn’t understand.
Rick Reilly’s jokes have a ripped from the headlines flavor – FDR, Stevie Wonder, and Nathan Detroit references are bleeding edge humor.
You know, I can’t keep up with all the new posts on Jack’s site.
RE: 31
KC, you could have stopped after “darling”.
darling is a killing word
Sure you can borrow these cute shoes, Lipstick.
That Dave sure has quite the foul attitude. It’s no wonder nobody ever asks him to guest-blog anywhere.
I’ve just grown weary of all this sexual innuendo at IB.
It’s probably me.
So Sparkle, who do you like in the next election?
Do I need an address to ship this Xmas package?
“You have a GARDEN?”
You know who’s not side-splittingly hilarious? Iowahawk.
that brewfan couch big tease
pony joke! couch give it up like okinawan whore for WP!
I’m thinking about converting to the Lutherans.
Are they around Texas?
Actually, that really clarifies things. Thank WP.
brewfan couch give pony crotch-biter bug.
pony no joke
pony roll in mud all day and cry
If McCain keeps this up, I’m going to change my mind about him.
You know, I think this whole “gun” thing is a bit too much.
It’s not just that Bush is a skilled communicator, you can tell he really thinks its important to forcefully advocate the what, why, and hows of his policies.
Laugh all you want, but I still say Helen Thomas is probably a real tiger in the sack.
I just sent in my donation check to Hillary, and man do I feel good about it.
That’s far too much Hasselhoff for my taste.
It’s kind of technical, Mrs. Peel, you probably wouldn’t understand.
Hillary is sooooo hot!
Don’t eat me, Michael.
BrewFan, can we see more fishing pictures?
You know, this scene couldn’t be more wrong. Folks in Washington really do want an energized involved citizenry.
DRINK MILK
I won’t do it if it costs me my dignity.
[while doing pushups]: “98, 99, 100, 101, …”
I just can’t find a condom big enough.
Brew, please be my tech butler.
Does this look infected to you?
oh wait. I’ve missed the point somehow.
No, it’s not infected.
I just can’t wait to have kids!
I have no opinion on that.
I wonder what the poor people are doing tonight?
I think I fucked this up again.
“Nice job staying on topic folks.”
“Stop me if I’ve told this amusing anecdote previously”
Is this thing on?
“Did Jefferson really say that?”
“Your dog is ugly.”
“I have no opinion on that.”
You guys might as well stop – all will pale besides Harrisons rapier stroke.
That’s a very sensible point you make there, Steve.
Steve, I think Skinny screwed up his own contest from the outset with this one:
“I don’t think I’m going to renew that magazine. Beautiful Plants and Creative Profanity just isn’t me.” Also, as noted, I liked the line about legal opinions being too obtuse to merit comment. But I’ll give Harrison his props.
I don’t think I’ve posted any links to my moronblog lately.
I can’t give you what you want.
Can’t chat right now. CSI Miami is starting.
I like to think of myself as a bitch whisperer.
Mrs. Peel said she loved the contemporary music at the last church service.
It was almost as good as the music at the Renassiance Faire.
“You’re gonna scream and cream yourself when you see this startling new tree peony from one of Japan’s top breeders. Around a central boss of golden staminoides arises a puff of petals ranging from nipple pink to p**** pink. It seems to glow with an inner light, like a fucking phosphorescent meat-tunneling alien inside the chest of a victim. If you love tree peonies and you don’t like this one, go get your fucking head examined.”
-Beautiful Plants And Creative Profanity
West coast redwoods are the most phallic trees in North America. Rising powerfully out of the ground, erect and straight, when fully grown they achieve a length of nearly 300 feet. When you first touch one, lightly, at the base, you’ll tremble with excitement. If that doesn’t fucking get you off then nothing will.
-Beautiful Plants and Creative Profanity
Man I can’t get enough of this hot weather!
I wish winter never came!
I understand why Mesa’s blog has more comments than KevlarChick’s.
(This one is with love for you, Mrs. Michael) Does that come in plaid?
We don’t have enough homemade videos out there
Does anybody know who won the World Series last year?
I really miss videos from Rammstein
Steve_in_HB is a hopeless romantic…he’s talking about getting remarried!
I just love it when my crazy friends send me their emails wanting to discuss politics.
I think urinating on myself for the Brewers is a great idea
Dave is graceful as a cat in his sandals.
I just love a Pistons-Cavs Series. It looks so exciting
Anybody got a recipe for rice?
We’re all getting antsy for the next gardening post. Hurry!
Anybody here know what Geezer used to do before he retired?
Let Wickedpinto drive.
oddly enough, I was the common DD when I was in Oki, of course, I was one of two people with a liscense, but thats ‘sides the point.
how about,
You know? she’s getting old, Laura should put the cat down.
Why does good lady geezer keep doing all that damage to her husband?
Is spudder having sex with a FEMALE cat?
“sobek is interesting.”
“geoff is cool”
“dr4 is reasonable.”
Cats are teh suxxor.
“Dave is SOOOOOOooooooo Manly”
“You’re gonna scream and cream yourself . . . . “
I think I just did. Funnay.
I’ll just copy off of wicked.
That DiT is too reticent, never opens up and shares the personal stuff.
You know what we need? More bubbles.
and links to absolute moral authority cuz Mesa hasn’t given us enough.
Can anyone here explain Federalism?
Did you guys hear what Ellen Degeneres said yesterday?!?
I wonder what Michael thinks about this?
Things will really improve around here once Ardolino gets posting privileges.
We need more kitchen and hot tub repair stories.
wickedpinto, you should seriously consider posting strings of consecutive comments in order to make yourself better understood and your thoughts more cohesive.
“Hey Oliver, you need to add some meat to your bones! You’re wasting away!”
lauraw, would it be inappropriate to ask you to ring the church bells this morning to gather the congregation for mass?
Michael, isn’t it nice to know that Innocent Bystanders has become the bastion of intelligent convesation for which you’d always hoped?
Bass players have long been known for their raw, sexual attractiveness and draw flocks of adoring, hormonally charged fans to them while lead singers and lead guitar players are left to linger on the sidelines hoping for sloppy seconds or leftovers.
Drummers are the nicest guys.
Really.
Honey, lets get a pitbull this time?
🙂
I crack myself up!
Hey Dave:
Have any medical or plant related problems recently?
Hey, that Rosie O’Donnell’s had some intelligent things to say lately, hasn’t she?
Yeah, Rosie is HOT!!!
Why yes, Geoff, I would love to see your John Denver shrine.
“Steve is an atheist, so I guess he must be immoral.”
“Hey Michael, what’s up with our traffic?”
Well, now that you ask:
IB Factoid Of The Day: Looks like we’ll top 300,000 Visits sometime tonight. Traffic is slow at the moment, so it could happen in the wee hours when the Asia-Pacific hits come in. At the latest, we’ll top 300,000 early tomorrow morning.
FYI, we are currently at 642,813 Page Views. That’s an awesome ratio of Page Views to Visits, especially when you consider the thousands of junk hits per month on the Jessica Alba pic that we got last winter.
“The Jazz win their first NBA title!”
Michael. Having the spam filter catch my comment about the Jazz is low. Even for you.
Well. And there it is.
Nevermind.
So like a Mormon. Judgmental. During the Lutheran Millennium™, there will be a special reeducation camp to help Mormons with this problem. Skinny, I’ll try to make sure that you have some ducks to take care of.
I don’t really care about page views.
“amish, if anything ever happens to the Mrs. and me, we want you to raise our kids.”
Wicked Pinto, could you take care of Spudder while we’re on vacation?
Screw Tuna Casseroles!
I can’t believe people are still commenting on a post this old.
The kids are always begging for my tuna casseroles!
Obama’s Biden pick sure energized the Dems!
I can’t believe people are still commenting on a post this old.
Ageist!
I just don’t get what the big deal is about Sarah Palin.
And her husband is so yucky. I wouldn’t hit that at all.
Lips,
Beauty is the eye of the beholder. I agree with you, he isn’t my type either.
As for Sarah! I’d hit that!!!
But seriously, guys…I need to get back to work…
If you can’t trust a global warming scientist, who can you trust?
The Flag Counter, by the way, has a lot of interesting statistics.
Good think Sobek is posting stuff again.
November 2014 isn’t very far off, guys. Let’s start talking about Senate races!