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Save This Dog – posted by Dave in Texas April 2, 2006

Posted by daveintexas in AA - Uncategorized.

His life is in your hands. the Stupid Beagle

They got him when I was out of town.  Called it in so to speak.  Daddy, we got a puppy.

A beagle.

An effin Beagle.

He has chewed through, oh let’s see, three places in the sofa, about a thousand rolls of toilet paper, 5 chair legs, every sprinkler control cover (AND the wiring), my last briefcase, most of the door trim on the back door, one of my dress shoes, 5 DVDs, 7 pillows, and 3 belts.  He barks incessantly at squirrels, which frankly I can’t give him too much grief over but shut the hell up already!  He will always leap up on my bed when I’m not around to tell him not to, and he always come sucking up all apologetically when I yell at him to get his furry ass OFF the bed. He is a relationship abuser. I figure so far he’s been about a $3400 problem, but he’s on his game and he’s not done.

I do not expect much of a return on my investment. Actually, I think I’m about to write him off and take my loss like a man. And you know what that means.  He’s about to join the choir invisible.  His metabolic processes are about to cease.

You can save this dog.  You know you want to.  Just look at him. He isn’t a bad dog.  He’s a kid.  With a dog crack habit or something, hell I don’t know what’s wrong with him.  If I did I would have fixed it already. So it’s desperate measure time.  He’s going to die.  He is and that’s that.

Unless you step in.  You can intervene.  You can save him.  I will pay you, ok, pretty much whatever you want up to my damages, and shipping, just to take him off my hands.  I’ll tell everybody here he ran away.  That’s plausible, given his “oh look, the door’s open” behavior, hell we spent an hour coaxing him back last time.  And given the damages, and the money spent, I’m sure I can convince the fam we can’t do this again.

Otherwise, it’s a bullet to the head.  Those of you who know me and squirrels, know I’m capable of it. So what do you say?  I’ll give you a week.  He’s a goner after that.  I mean, he’s got his moments, but I can’t take it anymore. You can though, he’s much better than he was and I’m just bitter about the past. Save him.  You know you want to.


1. harrison - April 2, 2006

Aw, jeez, Dave.
But he’s soooo cute.
Didn’t you just get a gun?

2. Dave in Texas - April 2, 2006

No, I got a holster.

Guns I’ve had forever.

Ok, I got new guns recently.

I can’t decide which one I should shoot him with? Should I get Michael to start a contest?

Ok, I have these. I’ll use anyone of em, depending on vote count:

a 1927 Winchester single shot .22 rifle

1974 Remington model 12 .20 gauge

Beretta Urika .12 gauge semi automatic

Springfield .45 1911A1

Taurus m85 .38

Bersa Thunder .380

Walther PPK/s in .380

Kimber CDP II .45 ACP

I’ll figure out how to tally everything. You guys let me know how it should be done. Thanks.

3. elzbth - April 2, 2006

Hey, holster man, have you tried Doggie Obedience School?

4. Dave in Texas - April 2, 2006

What, you mean my foot? Yeah.

5. Mrs. Dave in Texas - April 2, 2006

Perhaps you’re wondering where Dave is sleeping tonight. Let me give you a hint: the dog gets the bed with me.

6. Dave in Texas - April 2, 2006

Anybody confused now about why I hate this dog?

Anybody? Bueller?

7. michael - April 2, 2006

No way. For a house dog, beagles are the worst.

8. daveintexas - April 2, 2006

shut up. really?

9. Elzbth - April 2, 2006

You know, Batman had a dog. I’m pretty sure it was a beagle. Yes. Definitely a beagle.

10. Dave in Texas - April 2, 2006

His. one. weakness.

His only vulnerability.

Do you see now why I must do this?

Save the dog. Save him.

11. michael - April 2, 2006

Really Elzbth?

He does kinda look like a crimefighter dog.

12. michael - April 2, 2006

We’ve been getting visits from all over the world ever since Geezer’s Ace-o-Lanche started. Thailand, Bahrain, Chile, Costa Rica, Canada, Australia and Mexico have all recently hit this site.

Maybe somebody will visit from Korea and take Dave’s dog.

13. blogidaho - April 3, 2006

It was all part of my plan.
So Dave, about my commission.
I’d take the Kimber.

just sayin’

14. alessandra - April 3, 2006

Although beagles are not my most favorite type of dog, I’d take him tomorrow if I could. Chewing on everything is he?? Sooo cute!! Specially because it’s your stuff!! LOL

I wanted one of those white furry ball dogs, not a poodle, I always forget their name. Cutest little thing in the world!

15. alessandra - April 3, 2006

Mrs. Dave in Texas – April 2, 2006[Edit]
Perhaps you’re wondering where Dave is sleeping tonight. Let me give you a hint: the dog gets the bed with me.

6. Dave in Texas – April 2, 2006[Edit]
Anybody confused now about why I hate this dog?

Dave, you see, you got the wrong strategy here. Dogs are a man’s best friend, but you push him away and who is the little one going to turn to? LOL

Hey, I think this beagle will be there for the next 20 years 😉

16. alessandra - April 3, 2006

speaking of dogs, does anyone else think Chiwawas are really very weird looking?

17. kevlarchick - April 3, 2006

Who’s the sweet, cuddly, precious one with long eyelashes? And who’s the stinkin’ old mutt?

18. Mr. Nguyen - April 3, 2006

I take the dinner, er dog, Mr. Dave. He look tasty, er cute, Mr. Dave.

19. alessandra - April 3, 2006

kevlar –


what a zinger!!!

(still giggling)

now, that’s not very nice… 😉

20. Dave in Texas - April 3, 2006

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

– Groucho Marx

21. Elzbtb - April 3, 2006

Dave, I always loved that line by Groucho. But if you shoot that dog, you may find out how dark it is inside of a doghouse. Hint: Don’t bother bringing the newspaper with you.

22. blogidaho - April 3, 2006

Even Mrs. Dave won’t be able to save him if he nibbles on the new Galco holster.

In the Annoying bark category Beagles are number 3.
In the Loudness to weight ratio, they are number 1.
(Your actual mileage may vary)

The neighbor’s son brought home a Beagle puppy, named it Snoopy (surprise!). When he moved out, he left the dog who destroyed their home. I’m not sure how he trashed the venitian blinds six feet high, but he did, along with p’ing on the furniture and other insults. After 6 months of being Home-Alone, he wandered off. They think someone stole him. I had no opinion.

23. anycomments - April 3, 2006

Hey, its a beagle. Little hound-type dog. So easy to get rid of.

Just take it outdoors and turn your back for a minute.
His nose will carry him far, far, away.

24. Octopus - April 3, 2006

Foolproof Dog-Training Method:

Forget about “Dog Whisperers” and other silly charlatans. There are simple tools and methods available, that work on practically any dog, except possibly an old pit-bull who’s part “Mississippi Leg Hound.” 🙂

First things first: you train the dog to walk at your side, stopping, starting and sitting at your discretion, using a good sturdy leash and a correctly-sized and “installed” choke-collar. To some people, the idea of a “choke-collar” or choke-chain seems cruel, but believe me, you’ll be choking the dog a helluva lot less after one or two good hard corrective yanks, than you would with a year of tugging ineffectually on a regular collar. Very quickly, depending on the dog’s intelligence and your willingness to vigorously correct him, he’ll be responding to the jingle of the collar, and you won’t even have to yank him, except once in a great while when something crazy-exciting gets his dander up (a squirrel, or a ball bouncing past, etc.).

My dog trainer has “saved” two big dogs for us, 15 years apart, and learned his trade training German Shepherds for the Army, back in the ’60’s. I would have had to get rid of both animals, most likely, they were so “alpha” in their rebellious phase. I’ve seen dogs as huge as those German “lion dogs,” enormous Rotties, and tiny Yorkies, all in the same class, all being trained with the same method. It works, is the bottom-line.

Finally, for use around the home, when he’s off-leash, the solution is also mind-numbingly simple. You take about 10 empty pop or beer cans, and you put about 5-8 marbles in each one, duct-taping them closed. They should make a nice loud rattle, now. Set them in a handy place, in a grocery bag on the counter, for instance, or next to your La-Z-Boy. Here comes the fun part, which also happens to be the coup de gras on bad indoor behavior:

When Fido/Spot/Aristophanes begins to chew on the table leg, growl and behave aggressively, crouch into defensive-position when you try to take your running shoe out of his mouth, whatever, you commence firing the loaded cans at him. Hit him with the whole bag, the first time, chasing him if you have to. He’ll think you’ve lost your marbles, no pun intended.

Very quickly, you’ll have established dominance, and you’ll be able to get his attention and modify his behavior just by shaking a can, or mentioning the words “I’ll get the can,” or just “CAN!” My 10 year old daughter worked this system to perfection on our latest dog, who’s now a 3-yr-old sweetheart of a Chesapeake Bay Retriever, who happens to be way-oversized for his breed (120 lbs of muscle and slobber). He had gotten into the habit, at 4 months of age, of knocking her down and sitting on her. Took 5 minutes of this form of behavior-mod, to turn her into the Alpha doggie.

If you want to talk to the man who saves dogs, call “Dan Morris Dog Training,” in Livonia, MI, at 734-427-7940. Tell him a very-satisfied customer sent you. I’ve referred several friends and acquaintances to him in the past 10 years, and he’s never failed anyone that I’ve heard about.

25. Dave in Texas - April 3, 2006

Oh ok, I’m not really gonna kill the dog.

He’s actually learning to behave, most of his bad habits are behind him now. We just work on the next new thing. He leaves the furniture alone now, housetraining went pretty well, and he will stop jumping and running if you use the “command voice”.

There was a time when he went nuts sniffing everything on walks, and went into his “hunting em down” trance, but he’ll walk along with you now. Can’t let him go yet, but I see a day when we could.

He really does want to please you… if I fuss at him he will lay down, or come to me with his tail between his legs. Can’t stand to have you mad at him.

As far as chewing goes, he has lots of toys and bones, if you tell him to go get one he will, and the rest of it is a combination of “don’t leave your expensive shoes laying around” and a little diligence. Similar to the house training thing, we didn’t go the newspaper route, we just watched him like a hawk and got him out when it was time.

So, at 1 year old, he’ll probably see 2.

As long as I don’t leave my holster layin around.

26. HayZeus - April 3, 2006

Dave in Texas: Anybody confused now about why I hate this dog?

Anybody? Bueller?

Michael: No way. For a house dog, beagles are the worst.

Dave in Texas: shut up. really?

I nominate this for best exchange yet on Innocent Bystanders.

27. blogidaho - April 3, 2006

Dave said: if I fuss at him he will lay down, or come to me with his tail between his legs. Can’t stand to have you mad at him.

Does he piddle at the same time?

Because that pretty much describes *my* behaviour when Mrs. G. is mad at me.

28. kevlarchick - April 3, 2006

He’s not piddling, he’s “presenting.”

29. michael - April 3, 2006

And the most prescient remark so far came from Alessandra:

Hey, I think this beagle will be there for the next 20 years.

How did she know that Mr. Gun Nut was such a mushbutton?

30. Dave in Texas - April 3, 2006

He did a couple of times when he was younger so I adjusted my voice. Not quite so loud.

But you probably had yours coming RG

31. geoff - April 4, 2006

Beagles are evil. Agility and personality of cats and stubborness of mules. We took care of my sister-in-law’s beagle for a month – it would jump up on the tables and counter to eat anything. It ate a starfish off our kitchen table. And of course it knew exactly what it was doing – it would wait until we were out of the room for a minute or two beofre it would break every rule we would try to instill in it.

Naturally the fiend’s name was Angle.

32. Mrs. Geezer - April 4, 2006

It ate a starfish off our kitchen table.

Um geoff, what kind of meals include a starfish?

Just sayin’

33. Lipstick - April 4, 2006

Yeah, what the heck?!

34. Muslihoon » Dogs - June 7, 2006

[…] Dave in Texas Save This Dog (crossposted on Innocent Bystanders) The Beagle Controversy Senor Dumbass (crossposted on Innocent Bystanders) […]

35. Kavedog - December 16, 2006

So what has become of Satan’s puppy?
get a Aussie smartest dog i’ve ever owned!!

36. Dave in Texas - December 16, 2006

I spared him.

He sleeps with me now.


37. Michael - December 16, 2006

Moses was saved by the timely intervention of the Innocent Bystanders Commenter Community™, which selected him as an official crimefighting site mascot (see “About” tab above for picture of Moses in action). Dave, normally a heartless bastard, was thereby shamed into sparing his life.

38. Bart - December 16, 2006

the fiend’s name was Angle.

And it had two puppies, Obtuse and Acute.

39. amy - February 15, 2007

lolol…. me and my fiance saw an add in the paper for a free beagle… well knowing that imma dog lover, we went and picked her up. besides my fiance use to have a beagle and sais he loves them. anyways… i wish i hadnt seen the add in the paper because gahh this dog=hella annoying. she gets up on the tables, gets into the garbage and tries to eat the food off my 1 year old sons highchair when he is eating. >

40. Retired Geezer - February 15, 2007

Two Words, Amy:
Dog Whisperer.

Find that guy (Caesar Millan) on Satellite or Cable. He Rocks!

Actually he Hisses but it appears to work.

41. Dave in Texas - February 15, 2007

I am the dog hollerer.

effin dog.

42. lauraw - February 15, 2007

Got to figure out what works with the particular animal. My female Cattle Dog was pretty easy to train, and she’s feisty but not stubborn. A harsh word gets through to her.

My boy? Oh my God. He’s both smart and hardheaded.

He is a very rough-and-tumble dog, as I learned when every time I’d play with him he’d go too wild. Many times I’ve had to pry his jaws off me by squeezing his snout.
This one time he had me by the wrist and was holding real hard. I started whaling on his head with my other fist.
He responded by shutting his eyes and clamping down a little harder.

Only thing that works with this particular dog is isolation. When he did wrong, I put him in another room for three minutes.
Total turnaround in attitude. He’s almost a good dog now.

43. Dave in Texas - February 15, 2007

Tidbit. We learned that Mighty Mo was not raised with his litter mates, so he didn’t learn about the power of his bite. When he was a pup he’d give you just a little too much, but someone told me they instinctively back off when they here a puppy whimper.

One day he gave me the crunch, and I made a whiny puppy sound (shut up you bastards, I was training him). Moses got it instantly and let go. After a few of those he never did it again.

Don’t nobody go thinkin I’m in love with the little shit or anything, or I’ll deck ya.

44. blondy - March 25, 2007

did you really kill him!!!!!!!!!?

45. charl - March 25, 2007

you sre such a ****head

46. Dave in Texas - March 25, 2007

he be daed 38

47. Brooke In Michigan - July 14, 2007

Id take that dog in a heart beat. Hes so cute.

48. Kavedog - August 16, 2007

I am the dog hollerer.

effin dog.

thought i’d check in to see what had become of the pooch!
glad you kept the mutt!

49. Sam - September 27, 2007

My dog chews on her leg I dont know what to do

50. BrewFan - September 27, 2007

Get one of those cones that goes over their head. It keeps them from licking/chewing themselves until whatever is bothering them goes away. Also some dogs have skin allergies which you can’t see but causes them to chew. Take her to the vet.

51. Mrs. Peel - September 27, 2007

It could be a hot spot. Vet, definitely.

PS, those cones are called Elizabethan collars. I had to fit a rabbit with one back in the day.

52. Retired Geezer - September 27, 2007

You’ll like this photo of Hootie in the collar

53. Pugtrainer - October 21, 2007

Glad to see you kept him and seem to be doing well with basic training! Whew, read the headline and was real nervous. :0

54. Michael - October 21, 2007

Whew, read the headline and was real nervous.

Not to worry. Dave tries to sound tough, but he’s really a big mushbutton.

55. daveintexas - October 21, 2007

I buried him last week next to the rabbits.

56. Michael - October 21, 2007

You did not.

57. Michael - October 21, 2007

You’re giving Moses a belly rub right now, sucker.

58. Michael - October 21, 2007

*Michael looks at the All-Knowing IB Dashboard™ and laughs*

59. lauraw - October 21, 2007

Yeah, he buried him in snuggle-bunnies and promised to beat the life out of him later, just like I do with my dogs.

“You’re my widdle widdle boo-boo-bear, arewn’t you? Yes you are! Yes you are! Snuggle-wuggle-bunnies. I kill you later. I kill you later, my shmoopies, yes.”

60. Michael - October 21, 2007

Thankfully, my own dog Casey is a sternly disciplined crimefighter with a Spartan upbringing, and thus she does not require belly rubs or other tokens of affection.

61. daveintexas - October 22, 2007

tokens of affection, like kicks, and cussing?

62. eddiebear - October 22, 2007

^or a rolled up newspaper?

63. mesablue - October 28, 2007

Can’t believe that I missed this thread.

It’s probably the Intertubes smelling Michael’s easy poker money^.

64. Patsy Ann - December 2, 2007

Um, about the starfish eating dog…what happened? My pug just ate three starfish.

65. Dave in Texas for President! « Innocent Bystanders - January 25, 2008

[…] 4. Threatened to kill a cute beagle puppy. […]

66. Wickedpinto - September 15, 2008

I have no idea what you are saying mike.

As for her not being a real woman, I demand an investigation, complete with photo’s and diagrams.

67. Wickedpinto - September 15, 2008

ACK! jumped threads!

I need to replace my keyboard, that means I have to clean out my trunk to find one of my spares.

68. skinbad - September 15, 2008

Pinto’s lost in the sticks again.

69. Dave in Texas - September 15, 2008

I think I should tell everyone, I got sick of this dog and shot him in 2007.

Sorry for the buzzkill.

70. louise watson - December 10, 2008

my 8 pound minature schnauzer puppy ate the arms off of a small dried starfish…what should I do?

71. Michael - December 10, 2008

Shoot that dog, Louise. A dried starfish is like a family heirloom or something.

72. 501.5 - October 22, 2009

Anatomy and Desperate Housewives. ,

73. 501.5 - October 23, 2009

You were required to stuff money inside the bag and walk away. ,

74. K J Pine - October 25, 2010

good dog training would have helped heaps bit late now aye.

75. -.- - January 3, 2012

Honestly i think that ‘Dave’ is a jackass!!!!!

76. daveintexas - January 4, 2012


77. geoff - January 4, 2012

Honestly i think that ‘Dave’ is a jackass!!!!!

This post is such great attractor for the humorless and gullible.

78. Michael - January 4, 2012

Well, Geoff, Dave actually is a jackass, but I agree with you that #75 was probably not an informed opinion.

79. Retired Geezer - January 4, 2012

In Morse Code the symbols ‘ -.- -‘ are equal to K T

I’m thinking K T Tunstall thinks ‘Dave’ is a jackass!!!!!

She has some serious musical cred and doesn’t appear to need a ‘Bass’ Player.

80. skinbad - January 4, 2012

As far as we know, Dave hasn’t shot a pet since 2007. That’s a hell of a long time in dog years. Also, no domestic animal shootings since the Obama election? Hello? Why don’t we try to give the guy some support instead of nitpicking his firearm/anger issues?

81. geoff - January 4, 2012

As far as we know, Dave hasn’t shot a his own pet since 2007.


82. lauraw - January 4, 2012

Dave’s interactions with domestic animals are mostly peaceful.

83. Retired Geezer - January 4, 2012

Dave’s interactions with domestic animals are mostly peaceful.

I’m thinking that his degree in ‘Animal Husbandry’ has mellowed him out a bit.

84. BrewFan - January 5, 2012

Dave’s interactions with domestic animals are mostly peaceful sexual.


85. daveintexas - May 12, 2019

Moses passed on May 12, 2019. He was fourteen years old and he was the goodest boy ever

86. lauraw - May 12, 2019

He was a Good Boy. Sorry for your loss, Dave.

87. Sobek - May 12, 2019

Aw, sad face.


88. skinbad - May 14, 2019

It will be funny in heaven when someone yells for “Moses” to see who responds. Sorry, Dave.

89. Retired Geezer - May 14, 2019

Imma go out on a limb here and say that Moses had the best life and the best owner ever.

90. geoff - May 14, 2019

Impossibly cute dog. Sorry he’s passed away.

91. daveintexas - May 17, 2019

Thanks y’all, much appreciated

92. daveintexas - May 18, 2019

Also, hah skinbad. Yeah, at least two will respond!

93. dog frolics - November 4, 2019

Great post.

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