IB Weekend Contest! May 3, 2007
Posted by daveintexas in Women Ranting.trackback
As long as Michael puts up with my nonsense, I post nonsense!
I think P&G needs some marketing assistance. What expressions would you recommend they apply to the adhesive backing on sanitary pads to encourage the ladies, who are putting up with what they put up with because it must be up putted?
Or something.
My suggestions:
“Killing is wrong. Very wrong”.
“Those tools your man keeps, in the garage? Those are just tools. Dull. Uninteresting. Pay them no heed”.
“Your child loves you. Very much”.
“Posting a bail bond typically requires a ten percent cash retainer”.
“You are the most beautiful woman ever. Even more so now. This is the purest expression of your loveliness, as a woman. I’ve never loved you more”.
“Lawyers get most of the split. It’s true”.
“You did something with your hair, didn’t you? Very nice”.
Go for the gold y’all. P&G obviously needs your expertise.
UPDATE: “What do I win”? you ask.
Well what do you think?
UPDATE BY SITE ADMINISTRATION:
We could always try to placate them with a link to an excellent and soothing musical selection.
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Innocent Bystanders 
OK, assuming there will be a prize, my submission to be imprinted on each pad is:
Only Women Bleed.
“If you were using the Mooncup, you wouldn’t be looking at this now.”
Here’s a free coupon for a cocktail. Enjoy. Mellow out.
IB Weekend Contest!
It’s only Thursday, you stupid goober!
*Note to self — recruit contributors who can read a calendar*
On behalf of KC, I will submit:
“Say NO to the TOE!”
Is there going to be a prize?
Again, assuming there is a prize, my second entry is:
“OK, sweetheart, whatever you want.”
Michael is always thinking of moi.
Michael is always thinking of moi.
Actually, I’m looking at you right now.
*ducks behind bush*
Maybe we could just bewilder them. Give them a message they won’t figure out until it’s over.
“Spurs 93, Nuggets 78”
“The ‘general vicinity of’ is not the same as actually ‘IN’ the trashcan.”
Too harsh?
OK, to continue the basketball theme,”Take it to the hole!”
oh pups… cold brotha.
I like it.
“Oh the shark bites”…
“No, you do not look bloated, Mrs. Goodyear.”
Take the chocolate, drop the machete.
We’ll be out of town. Call us when you’re done.
I think it’s spelled “calendar” counselor.
I haven’t checked, just trusting my memory.
oh Tushar and harrison made me guffaw out loud!
That sounds like the voice of experience gentlemen.
Dang!
Texas Chainsaw Massacre was just a movie, honey!
We know hubby is a meanie, but we want slow suffering for him, not quick release, do we?
haha, pups and harrison made me laugh. Say no to the toe is also good.
BTW, the “What to expect when you are expecting” book says that Irrational behaviour is one of the common symptoms in the first trimester. I did not notice any difference.
STOP!
ok, don’t. this is good shit.
tush, hahaha.
“If your period is dropping, then we catching.”
But it’s already used by a different brand in their commercial.
“Blowjobs will tide him over”
“Your dirty and should be embarrassed by and ashamed of your body.”
“Maxi pads: now 20% more dignified than Huggies!”
Really, though, they should just use fortune cookie fortunes.
“This is what those iron supplements are for”
“This side up. Stupid.”
“You’re not pregnant.”
“If he really loved you, he’d earn his ‘red wings’.”
“What’s the matter, you too good for tampons?”
‘Crime Scene Sex–Everyone’s doing it!’
“Across for Show, Down for Go.”
‘Period seem heavy? Think miscarriage.’
“It’s not fair that you bleed and he doesn’t. You should Do Something.”
“Want to really piss him off? Flush me.”
“Well, at least HE’S all comfortable. You know how important HIS comfort is.”
“Lock and Load, Baby!”
But you get to give birth and nurse, too. Isn’t that worth it?
“For our loyal customers: Send three box tops to the address below and get your complimentary Tampax meat-cleaver! Great for all manner of kitchen uses! Or whatever.“
“To everything, turn turn turn, There is a Season, turn turn turn, A time to KILL.”
“He’s got the ball game on a bit loud tonight, doesn’t he?”
“You are accursed in the eye of the Lord. Have a super-duper period.”
Um, so how many Mr. LauraWs have there been?
“Watch out for bears. They can smell this.”
Just one, but so far he’s my favorite.
‘It’s all his fault.’
“Could he breathe any fucking louder?”
“If you can read this, you have, once again, ripped open the package too violently. Please try again.”
“Your Mother-in-Law is coming for dinner tonight.”
“He thinks your girlfriend is hot“
“Bleed faster. It’s been three days and your husband is horny.”
Cheer up, Grandma didn’t have Motrin.
Free Netflix coupon for “Hunt for Red October”
*wife is calling–logging off immediately*
*wife is calling–logging off immediately*
chicken.
“Bet you relieved, after that night with that guy you picked up at the bar, aren’t ya? Whore.”
No Mo FLo, Jo
It’s a small world af-ter alllll…it’s a smaaal world aaaf-ter allll!
“Quit yer bitchin’! He needs a sammich!”
Not to be used as a bandaid (or flotation device)
When my son was 3 he found my box of “daily” maxis and proceeded to paste them all over the house ….while we had company…in front of them…he called them bandaids. >:)!!
Down in the valley, the valley so-oh low
Maybe a little country music would help, like a calming bassoon rendition of Red River Valley.
Jeez, I’m turning into Amish.
Come and sit by my side, if you love me
Do not hasten to bid me adieu
Just remember the Red River Valley
And the cowboy who loved you so true
Anger Management
1-800-222-3333
Are you sure you need a new one now? These cost money you know.
You’re really doing this the same time as the other females in the house? What is up with that voodoo shit?
“More comfortable than yesterday’s newspaper!”
Take me to your bleeder.
89.8% Leak Proof
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart
10% off your next puchase of Star Kist Tuna
(cash value .000000000000000001)
Holy crap, I haven’t laughed that hard in a while. You guys are some twisted bastards. I mean that with sincere affection.
Except for LauraW, who scares the crap out of me. DiT should have checked that little color-coded calendar of his before starting this contest.
“You will find true love on flag day.”
Your lucky numbers:
7 15 23 26 29 33
(Of course, if you were really lucky you wouldn’t be a miserable, bleeding crank for the next three days).
Did you hear that? Bears. Now you’re putting the whole company at risk.
“If it bleeds, we can kill it.”
“Acid for blood? It’s got a wonderful defense mechanism. You don’t dare kill it.”
Look on the bright side: if you were Hillary Clinton, you’d feel like this all the time.
You know that scene at the end of 28 Days Later, where the infected guy vomits blood all over that other guy’s face? If you think you’re miserable, just think what my life is like.
“This is why you can never be the President”
“A little club soda will get the dog nose prints off the crotch of your pants”
“You cute little Ragamuffin!”
“Ponies are for riding!”
Inspected by # 43
“You’re a winner!”
“99.9% Sand Free!”
You didn’t win this time. Please try again.
RedRUM! REDRUM!!
If you just used aluminum foil instead of this, you could be rinsing with solar-heated water, drying with organic cotton, and re-using. (Of course you might be uncomfortably hot and rustle suspiciously when you walk.)
“You’re fat and ugly and he’s almost certainly porking the secretary.”
“It would be so nice to sit down and have a talk with him about your relationship. While he’s watching the game would be best.”
Chico’s Bail Bonds
800-555-1212
“Let Freedom Ring”
The sound of blood dripping is very disconcerting. Please close the door. That’s not enough. I mean until you hear the “click.”
“If you hear a ‘click,’ you’re out of bullets.”
HAHAHAAA
*peers at color coded calendar* I think I missed a week here somewhere.
“The rose goes in the front”
“Cramps are all in your head”
“Bloated is beautiful”
“Wax on, wax off”
“Apply directly to forehead!”
Come on, it’s not really that bad, is it?
Hey, it could be worse. They used to ship you off to the Red Tent for 3 days and 2 nights.
Steven Segal is – Retaining some water!
Not legal for sale in Idaho.
I think it’s time for somebody to post that picture of DinT on the cover of Wacky Aunt.
Buy some extras for your first aid kit. These are great for staunching massive, gaping wounds.
Dagnabbit. Spam bucket help?
“Whew! Lucked out again this month, did you?”
Refrigerate after opening.
Shake well before serving.
“Should we call you a Waaaaambulance, sweetie?”
Avoid using near open flame
“Do not inflate more than 50 psi”
Improper use may cause leaking and staining. As can proper use.
Do Not Use On Sleeping Persons
Obey all pertinent laws and regulations. You don’t want to be picked up by the fuzz.
Not to be used while operating heavy machinery.
“He doesn’t validate your feelings, and he’s still breathing too loud. How long are you going to let this continue?”
For a crispier crust, place directly on oven rack.
“Bludgeon. Bludgeon. If you say it enough times, it starts to sound cute, like ‘pigeon.'”
Not to be used as an oral contraceptive.
peanuts! ROFLMFAO skinbad
Puncture wounds from mall bore syringes injected into a freckle are pretty much impossible to detect.
Should not be used by children or women who may be pregnant.
Dick Cheney slept here
Not safe for consumption until juices run clear.
auggh
Do not open unless you first recite the magic words: “Klatoo, barada, nikto.”
Warning: Contents may be under pressure
Found on a package of “Always for Catholics”:
You’re a wicked, wicked girl and that stuff coming out of you is liquified sin.
Point away from face.
Wickedpinto is thinking about you at this very moment.
Found on a package of “Always for Lutherans”:
Tapioca is yummy!
Skinbad, you’ve made me laugh out loud three times this morning, but that last one was bad enough that the neighbor’s dog started barking at me. Holy crap, dude, you’re killing me.
Yeah, 118 and 119 had me laughing.
Found on a package of “Always for Mormons”:
“You know none of his other wives look or feel as bloated and cramped as you, right?”
Not packaged for individual resale
Intel Inside
Found on a package of “Always for Ancient Egyptian Pagans”:
“You’re just supposed to use these for menstruation cycles, not to wrap your whole body in them when you die. Moron.”
The American Veterinary Medical Association reminds you: Please don’t let dogs eat these out of the garbage. Not only is it really gross, it will kill them.
Where’s the beef?
Here we go:
Place on the ground before filling to allow static buildup to dissipate.
(I’m prouder of some than others, but thanks)
“Anything that bleeds for seven days straight and doesn’t die is just plain evil.”
“My other pad is a mansion.”
You couldn’t be more miserable, but pay attention. That son of a bitch will still try to sneak a peek.
THIS SIDE TOWARD ENEMY
“Don’t let your period get you down. Be the life of the party by dropping trow, standing on your head and shouting, “Look everyone, I’m a volcano!”
“Thank you for buying our product. Good luck with that feeling of doom, hearing voices thing.”
Is this a good time to mention that men make higher salaries for equivalent work?
It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
“Still using pads? Check out our website for other products that may interest you — we’ve got a sale on buggy whips this week!”
“We care about the environment: This product is manufactured from 100% recycled fiber glass insulation”
THIS SIDE TOWARD ENEMY
Just so everyone gets Dave’s joke, this is what is stamped on Claymore Mines.
“Use of this product may cause drowsiness… and Rage”.
Hey, how come skinbad keeps getting the last word?
Please don’t roll it up for use. Check out our full product line.
New Sucking-Chest-Wound Strength Protection!
New Chicken Flavor!
Please re-cycle.
Requires 2 AAA batteries, not included.
If you were pregnant like you should be, you wouldn’t have to use one of these. Now get back in the kitchen!
Gluten Free.
OT: There is a Conservative alternative to YouTube.
Y’all should sign up:
http://www.qubetv.tv/
Thanks to PattyAnn for the heads up.
“No Animals Were Harmed in the Testing of This Product”.
We think.
“And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even.” Leviticus 15:19
“It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.” Proverbs 25:24
If you felt better, you could be gardening.
Out! Out! Damned Spot!
-Lady MacBeth
See Spot Run
– Dick
“Jack M. promised to put a message here. Someday.”
“Is it safe?”
“At least you don’t have to shave your legs for a while.”
Flexi-wing plover
is it safe. hahahaha
Hey, how come skinbad keeps getting the last word?
Cuz I keep editing his time stamps.
“Comment by Bill INDC has been removed at his request”
Apply, rinse,wring, reuse, recycle
“Go with the flow.”
Bazooka Kotex
Bazooka Joe: “Help me find my keys and we can drive out of here!”
“For ‘heavy’ days, sprinkle kitty litter here.”
“This is not a bill”
“Mirror image of Willie Nelson goes here.”
“Give me liberty or . . .
screw it, please give me death.”
For light days, set flaps to 20 and aelerons to 10.
“If you appreciate the craftsmanship of these pads, you’ll also love our work on the soft top Wrangler.”
The spice must flow.
“Slippery When Wet”
“You shall PAY for this insolence!”
The spice must flow.
Oh jeez. Now we’re doing Dune jokes. I don’t think we can sink much lower.
IB Weekend Contest
Yo Dave, it’s Friday evening. Right now, after 187 comments, is when the weekend actually starts. You might want to make a note about this on your calendar.
Don’t blame me for the floating peanuts comment. I only made it once.
I’ve got this sneakin’ suspicion that skinny is going to have the last word on this thread.
Feed me, Seymour! I’m starving!
Nice try, Sobek, but Dune jokes are still worse than Little Shop Of Horrors.
Looks like I’ll have to dig a little deeper into my repertoire.
How about Roadhouse: “Pain don’t hurt.”
Dug in there deeper than an Alabama tick.
You might want to make a note about this on your calendar.
Oh, thanks. I’m sorry, did you want fewer visitors on Thursday?
Can do!
Clots are hot!
“I ain’t got time to bleed.”
“Just think, only 28 more days until we meet again!”
“Scratch and sniff”
This product may contain trace amounts of chicken.
THIS SIDE TOWARD ENEMY.
Do it in the dark and then you wonder if you set it up correctly. And that applies to both the mine or the pad.
ATTENTION:
I have successfully replaced the electrocuted sprinker system control unit. I worked with wires, electricity, brawn and steel.
I feel like a man today!
ATTENTION:
I’m feelin’ pretty manly myself today. I’m barbecuing a turkey in Mr. Lamm’s Heavy Metal Genuine Texas Barbecue. I’m not even thinking about using that frickin’ paraffin bath upstairs. Not for a second.
UPDATE!
The boys from down the street are busy mowing the yard and eating the weeds.
I have serfs!
Serfs up!
ATTENTION:
I am about to tackle the Mystery of the Electrical Circuits that Don’t Carry Current.
If I survive, I’ll certainly feel manly.
WTF?
Are you sure you’re not working on plumbing?
ATTENTION:
I’m working!
At work!
nevermind…
I have successfully replaced the electrocuted sprinker system control unit.
Oh, you think you’re Mister Smarty Pants cause you didn’t need to call The Sprinkler Doc.
*sulks*
RG- is that kid wearing Depends?
Huzzah!! The basement lights – they work!!
And….I’m….aliiive!!
I installed three ceiling fans last summer and didn’t get electrocuted even once. I felt so manly I could actually feel the hair growing.
I also nearly killed myself tinkering with a television last fall. I guess maybe I got too cocky working with zappy things.
RG- is that kid wearing Depends?
I believe you can see the alerons, so they must be Always for Pilots and Astronauts.
Sobek, there is a hi-capcitance rectifier in most Tvs, which stores a charge for the next “on” switch.
My dad used to call it a “high voltage rectum frier”.
Be careful with it.
dave and sobek,
Check out the warning label half way down this page. Heh. The page itself is pretty interesting in an electronics-induced chubby sort of way.
http://www.electricstuff.co.uk/destructotron.html
Hey Dave, what’s a “sprinker” system?
“Mouth blown in China”
“Eve can kiss my ass!”
“I hope that apple was tasty, Eve”
Or simply,
“Blame Eve”
Michael, a sprinker system is what men write when they’re not bothered about their typos.
Michael, a sprinker system is what men write when they’re not bothered about their typos.
Fuck you Dave. Fuck you and your sexual security. All the IB chicks like you better. It makes me crazy. Mrs. Michael was telling me just today that she would like to meet you. No shit. The pool boy is getting jealous.
This product may contain trace amounts of peanuts.
“You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!”
Another inscrutable message:
“Any Rockets fans here? No? Too bad.
BWAHAHAHAHA!”
I would love to meet Mts. Michael. I’d even like to meet you Michael.
Have a good day today at the graduation.
oh, and pups is channeling Charlton Heston
“Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!”
Who’s ‘Mountains’ Michael, Dave?
who’s who?
My Snapple Diet Tea lid tells me,”There is no word in the English Language that rhymes with ‘month'”.
Bludgeon, however, rhymes with curmudgeon.
tonth
oneth, when I was five and was missing a front tooth, I rhymed the work month.
My Snapple Diet Tea lid
I recommend the Arizona Green Tea.
Very tasty, even the Diet.
Hilarious thread, particularly “Could he breathe any fucking louder?”
I’ve known a few girls, who during ‘the time’, were one smart-ass remark from me away from homicide.
You know, it’s amazing I’ve lived this long.
I would love to meet Mts. Michael.
Is that a Freudian Slip? Is Mrs. Michael stacked? Or did Dave say he’d like to mount Michael?
BAHAAAA I just now got it.
I’m slow.
Ok, that typo I care about.
LOL. I didn’t see it until just now either.
Country Roads, take me home to the place I belong :
West Virginia, mountain Michael, Take me home, Country Roads.
You clever dog.
Country Roads, take me home to the place I belong :
West Virginia, mountain Michael, Take me home, Country Roads.
Wow, Pupster is channeling John Denver.
Somewhere, Geoff is getting a little woody.
“Why do you run out of this stuff every month? This isn’t exactly a surprise event is it?”
Another one just happened to come to me.
“These go to Eleven.”
For the Jewish market:
21And Moses stretched out his hand over the sea; and the LORD caused the sea to go back by a strong east wind all that night, and made the sea dry land, and the waters were divided.
It’s never too late to join this game, is it?
“Remember that time you lied to him?”
“Hurry up! Your kid just got the lid off the detergent!”
“You’ve ruined another $25 pair of underwear, haven’t you?”
“If symptoms persist for more than 72 hours, consult your physician immediately.”
“For external use only.”
“ALLERGY: Processed on equipment that also processes tree nuts.”
“You know, I wonder how many Cocoa Puffs you could fit up his nostrils before he woke up?”
“Hello, my name is ____________”
“Your sister’s kids are probably going to a better school.”
“Dumbledore dies.”
“Right now, you’re missing the best part of your favorite show.”